1 00:00:46,293 --> 00:00:49,460 There are a million reasons to celebrate in New York City. 2 00:00:49,543 --> 00:00:53,251 Steve no longer having testicular cancer was just one of them. 3 00:00:55,085 --> 00:00:57,210 I only have one ball left. 4 00:01:01,210 --> 00:01:03,835 I don't care who wins, it's me and you after this, buddy. 5 00:01:04,376 --> 00:01:05,376 Great. 6 00:01:05,626 --> 00:01:08,751 It all comes down to just one little ball. 7 00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:11,001 Who wants a beer? 8 00:01:11,043 --> 00:01:12,126 - Hey. - Oh. 9 00:01:17,501 --> 00:01:18,543 Samantha? 10 00:01:23,335 --> 00:01:24,335 One ball? 11 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,585 One ball? 12 00:01:27,001 --> 00:01:29,251 I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. Was he upset? 13 00:01:29,335 --> 00:01:30,918 Embarrassed, I think. 14 00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:33,418 There's nothing to be embarrassed about. He's still got one. 15 00:01:33,501 --> 00:01:35,626 Miranda, they come in a set, like earrings. 16 00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:38,918 Oh, he's doing great. If it were me, I'd be sitting at home all depressed. 17 00:01:39,001 --> 00:01:39,986 Explain that to me. 18 00:01:40,001 --> 00:01:42,335 Tell me why you'd be depressed if you were perfectly healthy 19 00:01:42,418 --> 00:01:44,543 but had to go through life without balls. 20 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,626 - Well… - I was talking to Aidan. 21 00:01:46,710 --> 00:01:51,043 Well, maybe it's bullshit, but I might feel like less of a man or something. 22 00:01:51,126 --> 00:01:52,293 A couple of hanging glands 23 00:01:52,376 --> 00:01:54,460 has nothing to do with making somebody a man. 24 00:01:54,543 --> 00:01:58,543 She's right. I once went out with this guy, the biggest balls I've seen, 25 00:01:58,626 --> 00:01:59,876 complete pussy. 26 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,710 - How big? - Huge. 27 00:02:01,793 --> 00:02:03,460 I could barely fit one in my mouth. 28 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,168 Welcome to my world. 29 00:02:07,251 --> 00:02:11,460 The irony is that I don't think women care that much about balls. 30 00:02:11,543 --> 00:02:12,960 I know I don't. Do you, Carrie? 31 00:02:14,376 --> 00:02:16,626 Except for yours, darling. I'm very into yours. 32 00:02:16,710 --> 00:02:19,835 I have never met a man who wasn't into his balls. 33 00:02:19,918 --> 00:02:21,835 "Oh, yeah, baby, that's it. 34 00:02:21,918 --> 00:02:25,085 Grab my big balls, lick them, pull them." 35 00:02:25,168 --> 00:02:26,835 - You pull the balls? - Mmm-hmm. 36 00:02:26,918 --> 00:02:28,835 - They like it. - Oh. 37 00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:30,085 I went out with this guy… 38 00:02:30,168 --> 00:02:32,626 - I'm sure you did. - Wait, will you please let her finish. 39 00:02:32,710 --> 00:02:33,751 She's done. 40 00:02:34,335 --> 00:02:38,918 Now, I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women. 41 00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:42,751 It's just a little bag, but we'd feel naked in public without it. 42 00:02:43,251 --> 00:02:44,501 Samantha Jones. 43 00:02:46,210 --> 00:02:49,585 - Hey, how are you? - I'm great. 44 00:02:50,126 --> 00:02:52,085 Everyone, this is, um… 45 00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:56,918 - Allan. Allan Jannis. - Allan Jannis, right, we… 46 00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:59,293 - Fucked. - Fucked, right. 47 00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:00,876 I knew I knew you. 48 00:03:01,376 --> 00:03:02,376 How the hell are you? 49 00:03:02,418 --> 00:03:05,001 Not bad. Just designed the new Richard Wright hotel. 50 00:03:05,710 --> 00:03:09,043 I've been trying to get a meeting with him for months. Who's doing his PR? 51 00:03:09,126 --> 00:03:11,210 I think he's talking to Brad Rosen. 52 00:03:11,293 --> 00:03:12,835 Oh, he's a hack. 53 00:03:12,918 --> 00:03:15,043 - Get me a meeting? - I'll do what I can. 54 00:03:15,126 --> 00:03:16,793 - Good seeing you… - Allan. 55 00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:19,126 I know. 56 00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:27,043 And up on Park Avenue, a different reason for celebrating. 57 00:03:27,126 --> 00:03:30,085 So I told him, when I hire a contractor to do a job, 58 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,376 I expect him to finish on time. 59 00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:33,543 Good, honey. Good. 60 00:03:33,626 --> 00:03:35,626 You know, sometimes they just need to hear it from a man. 61 00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:37,543 A little more mu shu, my mu shu. 62 00:03:38,710 --> 00:03:40,043 So I saw my doctor today 63 00:03:40,126 --> 00:03:42,710 and I told her how frustrated we were that we weren't pregnant yet. 64 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:44,085 Mmm-hmm. Wonton? 65 00:03:44,168 --> 00:03:46,210 And she said that the easiest thing to do 66 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,543 would be to test your sperm. 67 00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:52,335 Charlotte, I'm eating. 68 00:03:53,293 --> 00:03:56,418 Is it too much to ask to have my mu shu without a side of sperm? 69 00:03:56,501 --> 00:03:58,793 Why are you getting so mad? We're just talking. 70 00:03:58,876 --> 00:04:00,585 Hell's bells, it's only been three months. 71 00:04:01,668 --> 00:04:04,668 And why would you just leap to the conclusion that the problem is me? 72 00:04:04,751 --> 00:04:07,043 I'm not leaping to anything. 73 00:04:07,126 --> 00:04:09,793 It's just easier to test the man first. Less invasive. 74 00:04:10,585 --> 00:04:12,293 I'm sure your sperm is fine. 75 00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:14,960 No, it's better than fine, it's fantastic. 76 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:18,501 This little subject matter has put me right off my dinner. 77 00:04:18,585 --> 00:04:20,710 - Excuse me. - Trey. 78 00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:24,168 - Honey? - Not now. 79 00:04:29,835 --> 00:04:32,001 - Do men? - Do men, what? 80 00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:33,710 Like them pulled? 81 00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:35,501 How would I know? 82 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:37,210 Do you? 83 00:04:38,835 --> 00:04:40,543 - Do I what? - Like them pulled? 84 00:04:41,126 --> 00:04:42,460 How do I know? 85 00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:45,835 Why don't we give a little tug and see? 86 00:04:46,668 --> 00:04:48,418 - You wanna give a little tug? - Mmm-hmm. 87 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,668 You're gonna do it too hard. 88 00:04:57,126 --> 00:04:59,001 - No, I won't. - All right. 89 00:05:07,460 --> 00:05:08,751 You were saved by the bell. 90 00:05:10,876 --> 00:05:12,918 Bradshaw House of Pain, how can we hurt you? 91 00:05:14,335 --> 00:05:17,751 - Hello? - Oh, hey. Hey, man, it's me. 92 00:05:17,835 --> 00:05:20,501 Sorry to be calling you this late. Is Carrie there? 93 00:05:21,001 --> 00:05:22,043 Yeah, just a sec. 94 00:05:23,293 --> 00:05:24,293 Who is it? 95 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,043 - Hello? - It's me. I need to talk to you. 96 00:05:28,418 --> 00:05:32,001 Oh, it's really not a good time. We're about to go to bed. 97 00:05:32,085 --> 00:05:35,543 It's important. Willow is totally fucking with my head, please. 98 00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:36,626 All right. 99 00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:41,043 He's having girlfriend problems. I'm gonna be just a minute. 100 00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:46,710 Apparently, dating a movie star 101 00:05:46,793 --> 00:05:49,001 makes you as crazy as dating anyone else. 102 00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:50,085 What's the problem? 103 00:05:50,126 --> 00:05:52,210 She's in town, she's at the Mercer. 104 00:05:52,293 --> 00:05:53,668 We were supposed to get together tonight. 105 00:05:53,751 --> 00:05:54,876 She hasn't gotten back to me. 106 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,751 Well, did you call her? 107 00:05:56,835 --> 00:06:00,543 Yes, I called her. I called all five of her numbers. 108 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:02,210 She never answers. 109 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,710 See, here's the thing, see. 110 00:06:04,793 --> 00:06:08,293 She can reach me, but I can't ever get her. 111 00:06:08,376 --> 00:06:11,210 - Maybe she never got your… - No, you don't get it. 112 00:06:11,626 --> 00:06:13,085 She can reach me, 113 00:06:13,585 --> 00:06:16,626 but I can't get her, ever. 114 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,751 How fucked up is that? 115 00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:20,418 I don't know. Very? 116 00:06:21,376 --> 00:06:23,376 I thought everything was going great. 117 00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:27,960 It was, I mean, I flew out to LA to take her to that MTV Award thing. 118 00:06:28,043 --> 00:06:30,543 I'd better start feeling sorry for you soon. 119 00:06:30,626 --> 00:06:31,918 Then she totally dissed me. 120 00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:35,376 I was following her around like a goddamn dog. 121 00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:37,501 I'm just gonna be one more minute. 122 00:06:39,835 --> 00:06:41,793 Listen to this message she left me. 123 00:06:41,876 --> 00:06:43,751 Ugh. I gotta go to bed. 124 00:06:43,835 --> 00:06:45,835 No, wait, listen. Listen to this. 125 00:06:46,543 --> 00:06:47,835 Gonna miss you. 126 00:06:47,918 --> 00:06:51,585 I can't wait until I'm in New York, in your arms. 127 00:06:52,543 --> 00:06:56,418 I'm in a New York state of mind 128 00:06:56,501 --> 00:06:58,793 "A New York state of mind"? 129 00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:02,335 - It's Billy Joel. We love that song. - Good night. 130 00:07:02,418 --> 00:07:05,376 - Should I call her again? - No. Good night. 131 00:07:09,043 --> 00:07:10,085 I'm sorry. 132 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,751 So, you still want me to give them a little pull? 133 00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:16,251 Nah. Why'd you take the phone in there? 134 00:07:17,543 --> 00:07:19,960 'Cause I know you don't like him calling here, so… 135 00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:22,418 Carrie, you tell me nothing's going on, 136 00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:24,293 then nothing's going on. 137 00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:26,960 You don't gotta run in a closet. 138 00:07:27,626 --> 00:07:29,335 Well, I didn't run. 139 00:07:29,418 --> 00:07:33,460 And I went in there 'cause I know how uncomfortable it makes you. 140 00:07:33,543 --> 00:07:35,751 How uncomfortable it makes me or you? 141 00:07:36,668 --> 00:07:38,710 Me, yes, I'm uncomfortable. 142 00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,293 I don't want you to feel threatened. 143 00:07:41,376 --> 00:07:42,626 You think I'm threatened by him? 144 00:07:42,710 --> 00:07:44,543 No, not threatened. 145 00:07:44,626 --> 00:07:45,668 I could take him. 146 00:07:46,918 --> 00:07:50,168 - Who said anything about taking him? - I'm just saying. 147 00:07:50,251 --> 00:07:52,960 It's like the time Batman and the Green Hornet got in a fight. 148 00:07:53,043 --> 00:07:54,501 Everybody expected Batman to win, 149 00:07:54,585 --> 00:07:56,460 'cause he's got the gadgets and the cape and shit. 150 00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:58,335 But the Green Hornet had the moves. 151 00:07:58,418 --> 00:08:00,501 See, I'm the Green Hornet, I got the moves. 152 00:08:01,251 --> 00:08:03,376 Plus I got Pete, and he's like Kato. 153 00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:05,543 Aren't you, boy? Hey, Petey. 154 00:08:05,626 --> 00:08:07,085 Come here, boy, come here. 155 00:08:07,168 --> 00:08:08,251 Who's your buddy? 156 00:08:08,335 --> 00:08:10,960 He's gonna get him. He's got him! 157 00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:14,376 What do superheroes have to do with it? 158 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,001 I have no idea. 159 00:08:16,085 --> 00:08:19,376 It's a guy thing. All I know is that in order to deal with Big, 160 00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,668 he had to turn himself into the Green Lantern. 161 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,835 - Hornet. - I don't care if he's the Green Bee. 162 00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:27,126 I just wish there was a way for Aidan 163 00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:30,585 to really understand that he has nothing to worry about. 164 00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:34,460 Maybe I should try to get Big and him and me together. 165 00:08:34,543 --> 00:08:36,210 Did you have a plate of crazy for lunch? 166 00:08:36,293 --> 00:08:37,460 We could all talk. 167 00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:41,126 And Aidan could see once and for all that I love him, 168 00:08:41,210 --> 00:08:43,043 and Big and I are just friends. 169 00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:44,751 - Carrie, I don't know. - Seriously. 170 00:08:44,835 --> 00:08:48,585 Keeping my relationship with Big in the closet only makes things worse. 171 00:08:48,668 --> 00:08:51,085 These are guys. They don't talk, they fight. 172 00:08:51,168 --> 00:08:55,001 They can't help it, it's all that crazy testosterone. God bless it. 173 00:08:56,085 --> 00:08:58,210 We're having Trey's sperm tested. 174 00:08:59,085 --> 00:09:00,585 Is it not doing well in school? 175 00:09:01,210 --> 00:09:04,585 We were discussing it over dinner last night and he just blew up. 176 00:09:04,668 --> 00:09:07,876 One minute he was perfectly happy, the next minute, furious. 177 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,126 That time of the month? 178 00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:11,210 It's a side of Trey I've never seen. 179 00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,335 It's about the sperm. 180 00:09:13,418 --> 00:09:16,126 What is it with that area? It's like a minefield. 181 00:09:16,835 --> 00:09:19,085 I spent the afternoon thinking about my friends. 182 00:09:19,168 --> 00:09:22,585 Body image depression, unpredictable mood swings, 183 00:09:22,668 --> 00:09:25,918 late-night phone calls obsessing about a relationship. 184 00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:28,460 Did I mention these are my male friends? 185 00:09:28,543 --> 00:09:31,460 So, maybe men and women aren't from different planets 186 00:09:31,543 --> 00:09:33,460 as pop culture would have us believe. 187 00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:35,626 Maybe we live a lot closer to each other. 188 00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:39,001 Perhaps, dare I even say it, in the same zip code. 189 00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:41,460 In view of current circumstances, 190 00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:45,626 I couldn't help but wonder, are men just women with balls? 191 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,626 - Look at that. - Look at what? 192 00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:49,960 - That dog's sack. - No, thank you. 193 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:56,126 Did you know you can't enter a dog in a dog show if he's only got one ball? 194 00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:57,543 Where'd you hear that? 195 00:09:58,918 --> 00:09:59,918 Around. 196 00:10:01,543 --> 00:10:03,376 They even make fake dog balls. 197 00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:08,168 They make them for humans too. 198 00:10:11,710 --> 00:10:15,335 - I'm thinking about getting one. - No. Steve, no. Why would you do that? 199 00:10:15,418 --> 00:10:17,626 Why not? Women get breast implants all the time. 200 00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:20,543 Steve, trust me, I've been to the area. 201 00:10:20,626 --> 00:10:24,043 And I swear to God, I wouldn't know if you had one or four. 202 00:10:24,668 --> 00:10:25,668 But I know. 203 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,126 Every time I look down at my nuts… 204 00:10:29,043 --> 00:10:30,418 "nut." 205 00:10:32,251 --> 00:10:33,710 I look all lopsided. 206 00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:35,710 Women don't care. 207 00:10:35,793 --> 00:10:37,001 We care about 208 00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:40,918 nice arms, great eyes, big dick. 209 00:10:41,001 --> 00:10:45,085 I have never once heard a woman say, "He had such a big, full scrotum." 210 00:10:47,293 --> 00:10:49,085 I made an appointment, I'm talking to the doctor. 211 00:10:49,168 --> 00:10:50,376 Will you go with me? 212 00:10:51,543 --> 00:10:53,043 Where, testicle shopping? 213 00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:58,918 Samantha finally got her meeting 214 00:10:59,001 --> 00:11:01,043 with hotel magnate Richard Wright. 215 00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,710 Smart, tough, a real ballbuster. 216 00:11:04,251 --> 00:11:08,210 Well, I've enjoyed meeting you, but truth be told, Ms. Jones 217 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,918 - your résumé's all fluff. - Fluff? 218 00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:12,876 It's just parties and social events. 219 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,001 What is it that you do in your hotels? 220 00:11:16,085 --> 00:11:17,085 Nuclear fission? 221 00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:26,168 I admit, I'm intrigued. 222 00:11:26,251 --> 00:11:27,251 If I wasn't, 223 00:11:27,293 --> 00:11:30,043 you would've been down in the lobby having a cappuccino ten minutes ago. 224 00:11:31,626 --> 00:11:32,626 Here's an idea. 225 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,751 I'm talking to Brad Rosen. 226 00:11:34,835 --> 00:11:37,043 Maybe you two can get together and share the work. 227 00:11:37,626 --> 00:11:39,418 Five hotels, it's a big job. 228 00:11:39,501 --> 00:11:41,085 I know it's a big job. 229 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:44,876 That's why I'm still here and not down in the lobby having a cappuccino. 230 00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:47,626 I appreciate your offer, 231 00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:49,376 but I don't need a partner. 232 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,501 Read between the lines, Ms. Jones. 233 00:11:53,210 --> 00:11:56,210 I deal with a lot of business -men. 234 00:11:57,835 --> 00:11:58,918 What are you saying? 235 00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:02,543 That business - men would be more comfortable 236 00:12:02,626 --> 00:12:05,543 dealing with a woman if she were working next to a man? 237 00:12:05,626 --> 00:12:06,793 You have a lot to offer. 238 00:12:07,585 --> 00:12:10,543 You might want to consider working with a partner who isn't so… 239 00:12:11,876 --> 00:12:12,876 emotional. 240 00:12:13,668 --> 00:12:17,001 "Emotional" is just code for "I don't wanna hire a woman." 241 00:12:17,085 --> 00:12:19,168 Exactly. They're that way at my firm too. 242 00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:21,085 They think you're gonna cry over a legal brief. 243 00:12:21,168 --> 00:12:22,918 Well, have you ever cried over a brief? 244 00:12:23,001 --> 00:12:24,918 Certainly, but only in the privacy of my own office. 245 00:12:25,001 --> 00:12:28,418 I cried once at the gallery, once in ten years. 246 00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:31,835 And from that day on it was, "Careful, don't make Charlotte cry." 247 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,585 I have never cried at work. 248 00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:36,460 I fake cried to my editor when I missed a deadline. 249 00:12:36,543 --> 00:12:38,835 I told him I was having a bad time at home, 250 00:12:38,918 --> 00:12:41,293 but really I was having a good time in the Hamptons. 251 00:12:42,210 --> 00:12:43,751 That makes the rest of us look bad. 252 00:12:43,835 --> 00:12:45,585 Oh, boo-hoo, it was 80 degrees and sunny. 253 00:12:45,668 --> 00:12:49,085 A guy gets angry in a meeting, he's a pistol. A woman's emotional. 254 00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:52,126 If I'd say anything, like, "I don't think that's hung high enough" 255 00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:54,751 they say, "Ooh, careful, don't make Charlotte cry." 256 00:12:54,835 --> 00:12:58,126 What does he think I'm going to do? Get my period and ruin his empire? 257 00:12:58,210 --> 00:12:59,418 Yes, men… 258 00:12:59,751 --> 00:13:03,376 - Wait, let me rephrase that, some men… - Good move, Counsel. 259 00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,710 That will look much better on the court transcripts of this dinner. 260 00:13:05,793 --> 00:13:08,335 Some men are threatened by strong businesswomen. 261 00:13:08,418 --> 00:13:11,126 And they have to find a way to make her be just a woman again. 262 00:13:11,210 --> 00:13:12,835 Hence, "You're too emotional." 263 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,210 "Hence," yet. 264 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:18,126 I'm going back in there, guns blazing, cool, calm, collected. 265 00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:20,710 I'm going to impress that arrogant motherfucker so much, 266 00:13:20,793 --> 00:13:22,626 he's gonna beg me to take the job. 267 00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:25,335 Just don't cry. Once. Once in ten years. 268 00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:27,918 Well, this chicky's gotta run, or I'm gonna miss my ride with Aidan 269 00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,085 and then I'm gonna have to take mass transit to the country. 270 00:13:30,168 --> 00:13:31,293 Then there'll be some tears. 271 00:13:31,918 --> 00:13:35,168 The next day, while Aidan was tearing down the old shed, 272 00:13:35,251 --> 00:13:39,626 I was tearing through the new In Style with Big's big movie star on the cover. 273 00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:45,403 Hello? 274 00:13:45,418 --> 00:13:47,335 Hey, it's me. 275 00:13:47,418 --> 00:13:49,210 What's the matter? You sound terrible. 276 00:13:49,293 --> 00:13:52,543 I hope you don't mind my calling. I got the number off your machine. 277 00:13:52,626 --> 00:13:54,168 Where's area code 845? 278 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,085 Upstate, we're in the country. 279 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,376 On a Thursday? 280 00:13:57,876 --> 00:14:00,043 We're taking a long weekend. What's wrong? 281 00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:01,126 Tsk! 282 00:14:02,376 --> 00:14:03,418 She broke it off. 283 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,501 She said she never wants to see me again. 284 00:14:06,876 --> 00:14:07,876 Oh. 285 00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:11,460 - I'm so sorry. - I don't even know what I did. 286 00:14:11,543 --> 00:14:13,210 She won't return my calls. 287 00:14:13,626 --> 00:14:16,585 See, she can reach me 288 00:14:16,668 --> 00:14:18,126 but I can't get her. 289 00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:19,501 You mentioned that. 290 00:14:21,876 --> 00:14:22,876 Well… 291 00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:27,043 She's crazy, I'm telling you. She has the eyes of a crazy person. 292 00:14:27,126 --> 00:14:29,460 Man, I was such a chump. 293 00:14:30,376 --> 00:14:32,793 I really put myself out there 294 00:14:33,543 --> 00:14:36,210 and she drop-kicked me right in the fucking heart. 295 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,376 When are you coming back to the city? 296 00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:42,585 - Monday. - Not till Monday? 297 00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:47,543 Fuck. 298 00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:51,876 Well… 299 00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:53,778 I would… 300 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,293 I'd invite you out here, but it's just so far away. 301 00:14:56,376 --> 00:14:57,376 How far? 302 00:14:58,668 --> 00:15:01,626 It's 40 minutes, you know, if there's no traffic, 303 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:05,418 but with the weekenders and everything, I don't know, an hour, maybe even two. 304 00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:08,335 - It's Thursday afternoon. - Yeah, don't you have to work? 305 00:15:08,418 --> 00:15:11,501 I have to see you. I'll get my Jag out of the garage. 306 00:15:11,585 --> 00:15:12,835 Maybe the drive will do me good. 307 00:15:13,376 --> 00:15:15,918 - Uh-huh. - I'll come up for an hour, we'll talk, 308 00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:17,126 and then I'll head home. 309 00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:20,168 - Uh-huh. - How do I get there? Let me get a pen. 310 00:15:31,085 --> 00:15:32,085 Hey, darling. 311 00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:35,376 We gotta close these windows up. It's gonna rain. 312 00:15:37,043 --> 00:15:39,293 - Did I hear the phone ring? - Uh-huh. 313 00:15:41,335 --> 00:15:42,335 Who was it? 314 00:15:42,918 --> 00:15:43,960 It was Batman. 315 00:15:45,751 --> 00:15:46,835 I invited him up. 316 00:15:49,043 --> 00:15:50,751 I didn't mean to. 317 00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:52,960 I just got trapped. 318 00:15:53,626 --> 00:15:56,293 That crazy movie star lady broke up with him, 319 00:15:56,376 --> 00:15:59,043 he's devastated, he has no one else to talk to. 320 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,501 Before I knew it, I was telling him to make a right at the sign 321 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:03,335 for Farm Fresh Summer Squash. 322 00:16:03,418 --> 00:16:06,126 - I don't want him in my house. - I totally understand. 323 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,501 Look, he's gonna come up here and we're gonna have a quick talk, 324 00:16:09,585 --> 00:16:12,585 and then he's gonna go right back to the city where he belongs. 325 00:16:12,668 --> 00:16:13,668 Fuck. 326 00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,751 Hey. 327 00:16:17,251 --> 00:16:18,335 You're my man. 328 00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:21,210 And I love you. 329 00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:24,626 He's just a friend in pain. 330 00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:29,501 I would never do this, but he's really hurting. 331 00:16:30,210 --> 00:16:31,793 Come on, haven't you ever had a girl break your… 332 00:16:36,418 --> 00:16:39,001 Well, he better be fucking upset when he gets here. 333 00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:40,293 There better be tears. 334 00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:42,460 Thank you. 335 00:16:45,418 --> 00:16:46,418 Let's go, Pete. 336 00:16:49,668 --> 00:16:51,501 He's got some balls coming up here. 337 00:16:54,251 --> 00:16:55,418 The prosthesis approximates 338 00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:59,335 the weight, shape, and feel of a normal testicle. Squeeze it. 339 00:17:04,668 --> 00:17:07,168 Oh. I'm sorry. 340 00:17:08,043 --> 00:17:09,293 I dropped the ball. 341 00:17:13,918 --> 00:17:18,251 Now, it comes in four sizes. Extra small, small, medium, and large. 342 00:17:19,585 --> 00:17:20,835 I'd be a… 343 00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:23,376 Jeez. Um… 344 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,835 Miranda, what would I be? 345 00:17:27,918 --> 00:17:28,918 Um… 346 00:17:29,626 --> 00:17:30,626 Medium? 347 00:17:31,585 --> 00:17:33,918 Yeah? I was thinking large. 348 00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:36,501 Well, I'm really not an expert. 349 00:17:37,876 --> 00:17:38,876 Large, then. 350 00:17:40,835 --> 00:17:41,835 Medium. 351 00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:45,793 - Really? - A large-medium, Steve. 352 00:17:46,376 --> 00:17:47,460 Now, to get this model, 353 00:17:47,543 --> 00:17:50,460 you have to enroll in a clinical trial for market clearance. 354 00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:53,126 - Excuse me? - It's not approved yet. 355 00:17:53,210 --> 00:17:54,960 It's still being tested for safety. 356 00:17:55,376 --> 00:17:56,835 No, Steve. 357 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,085 - No. - I assure you, it's perfectly safe. 358 00:18:02,043 --> 00:18:03,876 He says it's perfectly safe. 359 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,835 That's what they said about the Ford Pinto. 360 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,335 Think about it, Steve. You want a Pinto near your penis? 361 00:18:16,168 --> 00:18:18,043 And in a different urologist's office, 362 00:18:18,126 --> 00:18:20,668 at the exact same time… 363 00:18:22,085 --> 00:18:23,085 Hi. 364 00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:26,085 Is everything okay? The nurse said you wanted to see me. 365 00:18:27,001 --> 00:18:29,585 I'm afraid our old problem has reared its ugly head. 366 00:18:30,293 --> 00:18:32,418 I can't seem to rise to the occasion. 367 00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,793 Well, let's not assume it's the same problem. 368 00:18:35,585 --> 00:18:37,960 Here, I bought you this. 369 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,001 - Juggs? - I know how much you like them. 370 00:18:41,085 --> 00:18:43,585 You knew I'd have a problem. 371 00:18:43,668 --> 00:18:45,626 No, I just came prepared. 372 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:47,751 Look. 373 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,168 She's got big boobs. 374 00:18:51,918 --> 00:18:53,876 Look, so does she. 375 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,668 It's the Big Boob Bonanza issue. 376 00:18:55,751 --> 00:18:58,335 - It's not that, it's… - What, honey? 377 00:19:00,376 --> 00:19:01,418 I'm afraid to. 378 00:19:02,668 --> 00:19:05,168 I don't think I can handle another problem in that area. 379 00:19:09,251 --> 00:19:11,043 Don't you worry, Trey MacDougal. 380 00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:16,210 I'm sure that you have very strong Scottish sperm. 381 00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:18,335 And if you don't, 382 00:19:19,043 --> 00:19:21,418 we can just spin them, 383 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,251 and whip them up, 384 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,668 and do whatever it is you sexy doctor types do. 385 00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:28,210 Mmm. That's good. 386 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:29,460 - Yeah? - Mmm-hmm. 387 00:19:30,585 --> 00:19:32,668 - Yeah, keep doing that. - Mmm-hmm. 388 00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,751 - Do that thing I like. - Which thing? 389 00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:41,710 - You know, you give a little tug. - Ah. 390 00:19:42,418 --> 00:19:45,001 Turned out, Trey's Scottish sperm was fine. 391 00:19:45,085 --> 00:19:47,876 No, better than fine. Fantastic. 392 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:48,960 Where's the cup? 393 00:19:49,668 --> 00:19:52,543 Well, I have to admit, you're the best person for the job. 394 00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:54,376 But I'm not gonna hire you. 395 00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,710 Give me one legitimate reason why not. 396 00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:00,626 - Do I have to say it? - Yes. 397 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,876 I'd like to hear the words come out of your mouth. 398 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,793 Okay, you slept with my architect. 399 00:20:07,876 --> 00:20:11,376 Turns out, Samantha was wrong, men do talk. 400 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:12,751 And I don't wanna get into all that. 401 00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:15,210 Into all what? 402 00:20:15,751 --> 00:20:18,876 It happened 100 years ago. I barely know the guy. 403 00:20:20,293 --> 00:20:23,043 And how does my personal life affect your business? 404 00:20:23,543 --> 00:20:25,293 I think the more accurate question would be, 405 00:20:25,376 --> 00:20:28,043 how does your personal life affect your business? 406 00:20:29,168 --> 00:20:30,751 It's too bad. 407 00:20:30,835 --> 00:20:32,835 Other than that, you had the job. 408 00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:38,668 You know what? 409 00:20:39,085 --> 00:20:42,043 If I was a guy, you would've shaken my hand, 410 00:20:42,126 --> 00:20:44,710 bought me a scotch, and given me a key to an office. 411 00:20:45,335 --> 00:20:46,376 It's amazing. 412 00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:49,751 A man with such innovative vision can be so shortsighted. 413 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,168 Ms. Jones, wait. 414 00:20:54,251 --> 00:20:55,751 But Samantha couldn't wait. 415 00:20:55,835 --> 00:20:58,085 She could feel the tears building up inside her. 416 00:20:58,168 --> 00:21:00,460 - Come on, come on. - Wait, not so fast. 417 00:21:02,376 --> 00:21:03,751 - Close. - Ms. Jones. 418 00:21:07,876 --> 00:21:10,960 The next day, Richard Wright hired Samantha. 419 00:21:11,626 --> 00:21:13,960 He told her he admired her balls. 420 00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:19,376 When Big still hadn't arrived two hours later, 421 00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:23,543 I was secretly praying he had missed the sign for Farm Fresh Summer Squash. 422 00:21:25,668 --> 00:21:28,376 Then there it was, the Batmobile. 423 00:21:40,710 --> 00:21:42,876 Maybe he doesn't wanna come in and meet your dad. 424 00:21:48,710 --> 00:21:52,168 But I'm taking a Greyhound 425 00:21:52,251 --> 00:21:55,126 On the Hudson River Line 426 00:21:57,876 --> 00:22:02,501 I'm in a New York state of mind 427 00:22:02,585 --> 00:22:05,501 - What are you doing just sitting here? - Waiting for you. 428 00:22:07,418 --> 00:22:08,710 Why didn't you come in? 429 00:22:12,043 --> 00:22:13,168 I don't wanna go in. 430 00:22:14,251 --> 00:22:17,168 - Let's go have a drink or something. - Wanna get a drink, where? 431 00:22:17,626 --> 00:22:20,626 At a Ye Old Country lemonade stand? 432 00:22:20,710 --> 00:22:23,876 Under the evergreens 433 00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:26,418 Why are you listening to that? 434 00:22:26,501 --> 00:22:28,626 But I know what I'm needing 435 00:22:28,710 --> 00:22:30,876 And I don't want to waste more time… 436 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,668 Come on, turn off the car and come inside. We'll talk, all right? 437 00:22:34,543 --> 00:22:36,876 I'm in a New York state of mind 438 00:22:44,210 --> 00:22:46,626 - Is he in there? - Yes. 439 00:22:47,626 --> 00:22:49,460 I can't talk about this in front of him. 440 00:22:49,543 --> 00:22:52,293 Yes, you can, and you better. 441 00:22:53,501 --> 00:22:55,085 So come on, let's go. 442 00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,126 Come on. 443 00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:58,960 Oh, shit. 444 00:23:01,043 --> 00:23:03,835 An hour and two bottles of red wine later, 445 00:23:03,918 --> 00:23:05,460 Big started talking. 446 00:23:05,543 --> 00:23:08,168 Unfortunately, it was mostly to himself. 447 00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:09,460 "Her luminous skin, 448 00:23:10,251 --> 00:23:13,960 a product of vegan diet discipline." 449 00:23:15,168 --> 00:23:17,751 Vegan diet, bullshit. 450 00:23:17,835 --> 00:23:21,001 - All right. Give me the magazine. - No, wait, listen to this one. 451 00:23:21,751 --> 00:23:24,710 "I'm looking for that someone special." 452 00:23:25,501 --> 00:23:28,251 She's not looking for anybody. Bullshit. 453 00:23:30,585 --> 00:23:32,585 - Any more wine? - Nope. 454 00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:42,501 "Let's go have a drink and a smoke sometime." 455 00:23:45,335 --> 00:23:47,835 - You can't smoke in the house. - Huh? 456 00:23:49,251 --> 00:23:51,376 Can't smoke in the house. 457 00:23:52,335 --> 00:23:53,335 That's cool. 458 00:23:55,085 --> 00:23:56,335 Guess I better head back. 459 00:23:59,793 --> 00:24:00,793 Thanks. 460 00:24:04,251 --> 00:24:05,460 Oh, Jesus. 461 00:24:06,751 --> 00:24:08,085 Look at him, he can't drive. 462 00:24:18,585 --> 00:24:20,626 Hey, what do you think you're doing? You can't drive. 463 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:24,085 - Call my driver. - We're an hour outside New York. 464 00:24:24,168 --> 00:24:28,210 I'm in a New York state of mind 465 00:24:28,293 --> 00:24:30,585 Seen all the movie stars 466 00:24:30,668 --> 00:24:31,960 You're gonna have to sleep on the couch. 467 00:24:32,043 --> 00:24:33,043 I better not. 468 00:24:34,085 --> 00:24:35,376 He doesn't want me here. 469 00:24:39,876 --> 00:24:42,335 You can't drive. Sleep on the couch. 470 00:24:45,376 --> 00:24:46,376 That's cool. 471 00:24:50,126 --> 00:24:52,043 After the ball plan backfired, 472 00:24:52,126 --> 00:24:54,876 Miranda took Steve out to dinner to lift his spirits. 473 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,876 Here's the book I was telling you about. 474 00:24:57,668 --> 00:25:00,043 A Positive Outlook to Healing. 475 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,043 - Steve, I'm starting to hit my limit. - I know. Um… 476 00:25:07,293 --> 00:25:08,335 I just… 477 00:25:09,085 --> 00:25:11,626 I was just really counting on that fake ball. 478 00:25:13,376 --> 00:25:15,751 It's just, every time I look down there, I feel… 479 00:25:17,376 --> 00:25:18,376 What? 480 00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:22,210 This may be hard for you to understand. 481 00:25:22,835 --> 00:25:23,918 Um… 482 00:25:26,543 --> 00:25:28,585 But who's gonna fuck a uni-ball bartender? 483 00:25:36,918 --> 00:25:39,835 Miranda realized the one thing she could do to help Steve 484 00:25:39,918 --> 00:25:42,126 didn't involve books or balls. 485 00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:18,085 What's that pounding? 486 00:26:18,835 --> 00:26:20,168 Aidan's shooting hoops. 487 00:26:23,126 --> 00:26:24,751 Isn't it a little early? 488 00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:28,460 You have to go out there and make friends with him. 489 00:26:34,043 --> 00:26:35,376 What are you talking about? 490 00:26:38,918 --> 00:26:41,085 We're middle-aged men. We don't make friends. 491 00:26:41,168 --> 00:26:43,793 - We have nothing in common. - You have me in common. 492 00:26:43,876 --> 00:26:46,460 And if you and Aidan don't become at least a little friendly, 493 00:26:46,543 --> 00:26:48,210 I'm not gonna be able to stay in your life. 494 00:26:55,668 --> 00:26:57,960 Well, how do I do this? 495 00:27:00,043 --> 00:27:02,210 You're a guy, he's a guy, there's a ball. 496 00:27:03,126 --> 00:27:04,126 Figure it out. 497 00:27:28,376 --> 00:27:29,376 Hey, man. 498 00:27:32,001 --> 00:27:35,043 I'm sorry about last night. I guess I got a little drunk. 499 00:27:37,251 --> 00:27:39,960 I didn't mean to come up and ruin your weekend or anything. 500 00:27:43,751 --> 00:27:45,085 You play hoop, huh? 501 00:27:45,168 --> 00:27:46,835 Here, why don't you give me a shot? I play a little. 502 00:27:53,668 --> 00:27:55,668 A little muddy. I guess all that rain, huh? 503 00:28:06,376 --> 00:28:08,835 - Watch it, man. That was a little hard. - That wasn't that hard. 504 00:28:27,001 --> 00:28:30,043 There they were. Batman and the Green Bee. 505 00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:31,876 Hey! 506 00:28:32,335 --> 00:28:35,293 Stop. Hey, stop it. 507 00:28:39,001 --> 00:28:41,626 Stop it! You're middle-aged! 508 00:28:47,418 --> 00:28:50,001 - That dog just bit my ass. - Pete. 509 00:28:50,085 --> 00:28:52,960 And just like that, Kato stopped the fight. 510 00:29:04,251 --> 00:29:06,626 And the thing is, see… 511 00:29:07,376 --> 00:29:08,668 she could reach me, 512 00:29:09,543 --> 00:29:11,585 but I could never get her. 513 00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,251 Day or night, whenever, 514 00:29:15,835 --> 00:29:17,085 she could reach me, 515 00:29:17,835 --> 00:29:19,876 I couldn't get her. See? 516 00:29:20,918 --> 00:29:24,210 - That's fucked up. - Yeah, yeah. 517 00:29:24,293 --> 00:29:29,376 Somehow, the storm had passed, and I never fully understood why. 518 00:29:30,210 --> 00:29:34,210 Okay, maybe men and women don't live in the same zip code, 519 00:29:34,293 --> 00:29:35,793 but we're moving closer. 520 00:29:36,793 --> 00:29:38,043 - Good eggs. - Mmm.