and no one can ever know about this at all. I…
Morning, big guy. Egg sammie, coming in hot.
Did you get some sleep?
- Yep. - Let's go. It's a beautiful day.
He doesn't knock?
Not when egg sammies are hot.
You should have seen Sean's face.
He was so pissed and devastated.
It was just like when I found out I was having a third boy.
Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Who hasn't sold their company
to their partner's estranged father before?
- Why would you say that? - 'Cause you made a joke,
so I thought we was in joke mode, so I…
- No, I can make the jokes. You can't… - Okay. Calm down. Come here.
Give me a hug. I'm sorry. Come here,
come here, come here. You gonna get through this, okay?
- Fuck. - Yeah.
Now can I make a joke, since your face is in my nanas?
No, but I like it.
You should have seen Liz's face.
- I lost my cool, man. - Hey, we all make mistakes.
Look, in my dark days,
once, I was really stoned, I ate half of Alice's bio project.
In my defense, it was a model of human DNA made of Twizzlers.
She got a D. But it was delicious.
Well, thank you for always being so relatable.
I can't believe I yelled at her like that.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
Maybe I'll just avoid Liz for the rest of my life.
I've tried it. It won't work, Sean.
She finds you.
Hey, your knee is bleeding.
- Don't even ask. - What happened?
Oh, my God! What do you not understand about "don't fucking ask"?
Sorry, sweetie.
- You're scared of her, aren't you? - So? You're scared of Liz.
Absolutely. She's scary.
Everything's so fucked.
No.
I know how you can fix it.
So Jimmy said I should bring this to you.
I love it when Jimmy says things.
This is gonna be fun because I've never been to therapy before.
- Hard to believe. - Dazzle me.
I know you thought you were doing something really nice for me.
I shouldn't have lost my shit, and I'm sorry.
No, I should've talked to you about it.
I'm so sorry.
- We're good. - Okay.
Good work.
Liz, I'm gonna try and say this sincerely.
I'm glad you came in here.
That's it?
What, you want me to pull my pants down and make my ass clap?
Okay.
- How much do you pay him? - Nothing.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Thanks for that.
This was a good idea. I prefer eating doughnuts to hiking.
Please, look at that baby.
He or she was never gonna last the whole hike.
He or she? She's wearing a pink sweater that says "Emily."
- Give me a turn. - Okay.
Hi. You are so cute.
You said that to me yesterday.
If everybody's cute, then nobody's cute.
You seem like a real natural, Charlie.
Don't push your breeder agenda on us, James.
We actually bonded over this when we were dating.
Neither of us wants kids.
No, you don't want kids.
I said I was fine not having kids, not that I didn't want them.
- Who are you? What's happening? - Maybe we should give them a second.
Why? This is such an intimate moment.
- That's why, Michael. - It's okay.
I'd love to have a baby.
But if we don't,
then I am the hero who rose above it all to make his marriage work.
I can be a hero too by at least pretending to consider it.
That is so brave.
Well, if you want, you can meet our adoption advocate.
- He's a friend. - That would be so great.
I mean, if Brian is up for it.
Are you kidding, Charlie? Brian's a hero.
Uh-oh. Yeah, someone made a shit swamp.
- Can I help you change her? Yeah? - Yeah. Please.
Come here, you little stinker.
"You seem like a natural, Charlie"?
Don't blame me. You're the one who wouldn't let our friendship die.
I… It's still here.
Hey, kid.
Your dad has landed back in your life in a big way,
so we can't keep avoiding it.
Have you two been talking?
Does he even know where you live?
Come on, Paul, you asked me this last week
and you could tell by my face that the answer was no.
Right.
Why do we always have to come back to my dad?
Look, I know your dad did something to damage your relationship
that you have not told me about.
How do I know?
I've been doing this for a thousand years.
Why are you trying to therapize me in the kitchen?
You and Jimmy used to talk out of the office all the time.
- Figured I'd give it a whirl. - Ten feet from your door?
Baby steps.
Come on.
Sorry, gotta go to work.
Why are you still here?
Because I took a shit in your desk drawer.
Relax. I just forgot my keys.
This is why I hate to leave my office.
Hey. How'd it go with Liz?
She didn't take a dump in my desk, so I guess that's a win.
I still can't get Sean to open up to me about his dad.
I even tried talking to him out of the office.
Hey. You tried Jimmying him.
That's what my patients call my unorthodox methods, so…
- Well, I'm never gonna use that word. - We'll see.
Hey, Sean and I are still tight.
You want me to take another crack at the dad stuff? I…
No. No more intervening.
You're not his therapist anymore.
Stay the fuck out of it.
Okay, Paul, I'll stay the fuck out of it.
- Right. - What? I can stay out of things.
- I stay out of lots of things. - Name one.
Never got into SoulCycle.
- I wish I had better examples. - I know you.
The minute Sean is in need, you'll cave.
You can't not help.
I can not do anything I set my mind to not do.
Why does that say, "I peed here"?
Where?
For God's… Give me that.
- Did you write this, Paul? - It's your crazy fucking neighbor!
I'm worried about Sean.
Working with his dad.
It's not gonna take much for him to snap.
This is so damn good. Have you tried this?
It was hard to toss you out of the house,
but I knew what you needed was a little tough love, all right?
I mean, look at you now.
I mean, look at both of us now, right?
Your mom was a little scared at first
and I said, "Nah, you gotta let a man be a man."
You all right?
Yeah. I'm good.
I loved that truck. And I gave it up for nothing.
- I'm so sorry. - Yeah. That sucks.
I was smashing this guy who didn't care about me.
So now I gotta break into his house and get all my stuff back,
including my favorite vibrator.
- What a drag. - Was it expensive?
Yeah. Actually, we went halfsies on a lot of them.
I got you both beat. Charlie wants to have a baby.
- That's not a real problem. - Yeah, babies are tight.
- Just have a baby. - Who's having a baby?
- Brian. - You're not even showing.
- I'm not having a baby. - Yes, you are.
That's how marriage works.
If one person wants one, the decision is made.
Y'all either having a baby or y'all about to break up.
Or you will figure it out
because your love with Charlie is undefeatable.
I want a Derek.
Then I have the greatest coincidence ever.
This is my best buddy from my old job,
Derrick.
Hi, guys. Liz.
- Hi, bubba. How are you? - Good to see you.
- You smell good. - Thank you.
You always smell good. All right.
Okay.
You won't believe, but Gaby just said she wanted…
- Don't. - Nothing. She wants nothing.
- Nothing? - Yeah.
Well, that sounds like a lie, but I'll go with it.
- We eating here or… No. - No, no.
- Vibe is too sad in here. - Yeah.
Dereks, we like to be happy.
And by the way,
there's nothing wrong with wanting a Derrick.
- Okay. - Congrats on the baby again.
- I'm not having a baby! - Okay.
- I can't wait for his baby. - No baby. No.
I need something in my life or I'm going totally dark.
I am this close to sitting in my tub crying and drinking wine.
I would love to do that, and I mean with you.
Like, literally, I'd be at the other end of the tub,
and we can just touch feet,
and then we can interlock our toes like this.
- Our tub is big enough for that. - I know!
- Let's do it now! - Oh, my… Wait. No.
We said we weren't gonna do this. We weren't gonna slip into the abyss.
We are going to be proactive.
I'm on it.
To try and cheer myself up,
I'm gonna go take pictures of the shelter dogs on death row.
You should be a party planner.
The pictures on the website suck.
I'm gonna take good ones so they can be adopted.
- And you're coming with. - Rock-hard pass.
I'll treat your baby thing like it's a real problem.
It is a real problem!
- It's still not. - Not.
- What the fuck is happening? - Sorry.
It's just that when you're shredding the finger drums, I know you're spinning,
but Paul and I agreed that having two therapists in your ear is not helpful.
- So I'm staying out of it. - Must be nice.
You bail on me, so if I fall apart, it's not your fault. And if I do well,
- it's 'cause you put me in better hands. - Wow.
You managed to make me feel guilty, inferior and douchey in one sentence.
- That's how I do it. - Hey.
I can't believe I have to get a Lyft to practice.
We should get me a car.
Are we gonna pay for it?
She's gonna feel so guilty when she finds out I'm on my way
to look at a used car I wanna get her.
So you're not telling her now so you can rub it in her face later?
Fatherhood, baby.
All right. I'll see you later.
Do you wanna come with me?
Just, you know, clear your head?
Sure. Why not?
Okay, gorgeous.
Relax and give me a casual smile.
- Not you. - I know, but admit that I nailed it.
All right. Find me one with kind eyes.
They all have the same eyes.
Just big, weird marbles that judge you. God.
Okay. Here we go.
This is your time to have your photo shoot.
- I know. - Have you ever met a dog?
- This is like three dogs. Okay, sit. - Oh, my God.
Okay.
Charlie and I can't have babies. We're too busy.
You're here at 3:00 on a Tuesday.
And that is my right as a DINK.
Double Income No Kids.
We were gonna blow that money traveling the world.
Maui. Nepal. Paris.
I'm pretty sure they don't even allow babies in Paris.
They do.
They just smoke and they're not allowed to wear deodorant.
You know what? Let's take 'em to the park.
Are we allowed to do that?
You can. You're the shelter's biggest donor.
- What? - I gave two grand for your wedding gift.
Two grand?
I could have bought an e-bike, Liz. Or new calves.
- Your calves are great. Come on. - Got what I wanted. Okay, here we go.
He's a jumper.
Hey…
- think I blocked you in. Sorry. - It's all good, Derrick Two.
Also, it's funny. I pictured you as more of a sports-car guy.
Really? That wouldn't make me look like a dick?
Well, you kind of already got it covered with those shades.
- What shades? - Wow.
I'm gonna have to get those later. They're prescription.
- Yeah, you need those. - Yeah.
- Can I help you with that or… Yeah? - Thanks.
- I'll get your dick-y sunglasses. - Thank you.
- Uh-huh. No problem. - Okay, so what have we got here?
We got a toothbrush, some fancy bras.
- We got Pop-Tarts. That's cool. - Okay… Well, actually, those aren't mine,
but I did earn them by completely throwing away my dignity.
This is a breakup box. Been there.
- You wanna know how I got back at my ex? - Sure.
I thought about her for months and was sad for a really long time.
- She couldn't handle it. - I bet.
Yeah, I also still feed her cat sometimes.
- That'll show her. - That'll teach her.
- That's my cell phone. - But your cell phone's in your hand.
This… That's actually my other cell phone.
The one beneath the vibrator?
Hello. Gaby's work phone. She'll call you back.
Which one's your favorite?
- I like the red one. - This one.
- Yeah, that one's nice. - What do you call that one?
Clifford 'cause it's…
- Big and red. - Big red.
Street's closed. You gotta go out the other way.
You can't shut down the whole road
just 'cause you're remodeling Racist Pam's house.
You probably know her as Pam.
- We also know her as Racist Pam. - Come on. Move the cone.
Fine. Road's open.
Road's closed. Too late.
You don't have to be a dick.
You're a tough guy? What the fuck are you gonna do?
Hey, easy. Sean. Sean, it's not worth it. Just breathe.
Breathe. Hey.
Sean, get back in the car. Hey.
Get back in the car, Sean.
Please. Sean!
Please. For me.
That was really messed up.
Those guys are gonna know where we live now.
No, they won't.
You parked a block away and you made us walk here.
That's because that was the biggest human man I've ever seen in my life.
- He was a big guy. - Sean.
I don't know what happened. Everything went all white like it used to.
I've been working with my dad all day.
I'm just wound up.
Why?
When I first got back from Afghanistan…
nothing made sense to me.
It was really hard for me to find a reason to keep on going,
and…
he acted like everything was okay.
Look, it's awful,
but you can't blame your dad for not being able to read your mind.
I told him!
I told him I was struggling.
Do you know how hard that is for me?
I literally begged him for his help…
and you know what he did?
He told me I'd get over it.
The fuck is that?
And then he wouldn't talk about it.
But I'd get into fights. I start fighting,
and then he pulls his tough love shit.
He kicks me out.
And now he think he's some kind of hero 'cause I'm doing well?
Like it's all 'cause of him?
I hear you. Hey, Sean.
You were in a lot of pain. Your father let you down. I get it.
Hey, this is fucking complicated, aight?
- He is a good man, okay? - I know. I get it.
- He loves me, all right? - I know he does.
He worked his ass off for me, and I put him through a lot.
So I just… I don't wanna hear you talking shit about my father.
I understand. I'm not gonna say another word. Hey, hey.
We're gonna sit down. We're gonna sit down for a second.
- I'm sorry. - You're good.
Thanks.
I wonder what Pam is doing to her house.
Look at you being cute with that guy.
I can feel his nuts on my thigh, and they're hot.
You love him, just like you would love a baby.
I can't, Liz.
I know I would be a shitty dad.
Calm down, DINK.
- Being a parent is… - I think our guy needs some more air.
No!
Hey, whoa! Dog!
Whoa, whoa!
Anytime my sister calls, she's always like,
"You won't believe what happened," and then it's something mundane like,
my mom's wig fell off at a Walmart or something.
- Wigs do be falling off. Yeah. - They do.
- Hey! You two still here? - Hey.
Don't you have a class to teach, G-Spot?
Maybe don't call me G-spot in front of my new friends.
- Why? - I'll tell you later.
- It's fun. Yeah. - Okay, thanks.
Okay. But he's right. I do actually have a generation to inspire.
All right. Sounds good.
- It was great to meet you. - You too.
- All right, D. - All right, D Squared.
- Putting on the dick-y glasses. - I see you.
- You gotta date him. - What? No!
- You know you wanna hit that. - I'm too busy.
Honestly, I'm still in recovery mode from all that weird Jimmy shit.
- Yeah. - I think for right now,
the healthiest thing for me to do is to, like, keep the coochie on lock.
- Hey, don't look down there. - What? You're waving at it.
- It's my coochie to wave at. - I'm sorry. Suit yourself.
I gotta go find the scissors without asking Liz where they are.
So, it'll take up most of my day.
Your dad seriously won't let you get a tattoo?
He can't stop me forever.
Do you think I should get one here or maybe here?
I don't know. What do you think?
I think they're both great.
You didn't even look at her.
Okay…
Something here is not right.
I forgot the guac.
Gotta have the guac.
- She totally knows. - She doesn't know.
- I am begging you to be cool. - I'm cool.
I'm LL Cool Cool.
That's not his name.
- Did I leave my wallet in your room? - No, but that room will never be clean.
- It is haunted by what we did. - Jesus Christ.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, I'm heading out. You need anything?
Nope. Love you.
Ditto. See you, Connor.
Love you.
I don't, I'm sorry.
All right.
Dude.
Well, you will not be shocked
that your father told none of us you were coming.
Because it's none of your business, Jimmy.
This is my Fortress of Solitude.
- She's funny, huh? - Yeah.
Like Mrs. Maisel.
What? I watch TV.
Meg's gonna give the keynote speech
on sustainable energy.
- At Caltech. - Come on.
- No, it's not a big deal. No. - It's a huge deal.
Come on. I can't wait.
Hey, I got to talk to you just for a minute.
I will…
Well, I'll come back if I hear a "woof."
What?
Sean told me what's going on with his father.
I was staying out of it, but he almost got into a fight.
He's fine.
Then he just… Yeah, he just sort of told me.
So, back when Sean was at his worst, he asked his dad for help.
His dad just ignored him. Just totally blew him off.
He told you this without any prompting?
Yes.
He was just saying how he was really wound up from working with his dad.
And then… Yeah.
I was… I was like, "Why?"
- You said what? - "Why?"
- "Why?"
- You said, "Why?" - I said, "Why?"
Are we gonna keep saying this back and forth to each other?
I said it very casually. I was like, "Why?"
- For fuck's sake. - He was freaking out, Paul.
I did not have time to tell him to close his eyes
and picture a big, black tornado.
It's a cloud. And I know you know that.
Okay. Well, I knew I was driving over here to catch shit,
but I came anyway. You know why?
Because all that matters to me is helping Sean. What about you?
I know him. Did you even read my case notes?
You don't have to answer.
'Cause you never listen to me anymore about anything.
And we should be working together.
We should be working as a team like Batman and Robin.
You can even be Batman. You already sound like him.
- I'm gonna make you pay for that. - That's exactly what Batman would say.
Paul, why are you still so mad at me?
Are you still trying to teach me some lesson? Because I get it.
I messed up with Sean.
But please do not tell me that you are upset because he opened up to me
about something that he wouldn't talk to you about.
Please tell me your ego is not that big.
See you, Jimmy.
Paul.
Woof.
Well, you seem happier than I expected.
I think I may have just won for once.
Tell me what that feels like.
I'm still processing.
- How about you tell me about Caltech? - Oh, God.
No, I'm gonna barf. I can't talk about it.
- Yeah? You nervous? - Yes, very.
It's a… My speech…
It's too long.
Wow. Okay. Yeah, this is pretty good.
But you mixed up structuralism and functionalism here.
- This is a nice house. - Thank you.
But you will never get a house like this if you shit the bed on this project, okay?
- So, focus. - Okay.
- It is pretty sick though, right? Yeah. - Yeah.
All the bathrooms have heated floor tiles, so…
- sometimes I just sit on the floor. - Nice.
- Hey. - Sorry.
I didn't know you're busy, so I'll be quick.
I couldn't stop thinking about your coochie lock.
Really? Okay. This is Keisha.
And she can hear you even if you're whispering.
So you're not letting him hit it?
Get back to work on your project.
- Great. Now she thinks we're hooking up. - Cool.
So, look, the reason I thought other Derrick would be good for you
is you're always taking care of people.
So maybe it's time someone took care of you.
I texted you his number.
- You should call him. - What? Dude.
We don't know if it's gonna work out or not,
but, G, you deserve to be happy.
That's really nice.
- Thank you. - You're the best.
I want a Derek.
Everyone does.
We own a dog now. You don't get to meet him yet
because he's getting some stitches on his leg
- and a very expensive eye surgery. - Look forward to that.
- Brian, meet Stuart. - Hi.
He is Michael's adoption advocate friend.
Already?
- Yes. - Wow.
So, how does this even start?
Well, if you want to know what babies we have in stock,
I have a few in the back of my car.
- What? - I'm kidding.
I like to make it fun.
I drove all the way from Tarzana. May I use your restroom real quick?
It's down the hall.
Thank you so much.
Charlie, I'm sorry.
I've been thinking about this baby stuff all day
and I… I can't even take care of a dog.
- I don't think I'm ready for this. - It's okay.
And I shouldn't have ambushed you with Stuart.
I…
Why am I so scared to be honest?
I really wanna be a dad.
I want Christmases with three stockings
and I wanna be driving and looking over my shoulder and say,
"I swear to God, I will turn this car around."
And I want to be a dad with you.
Isn't there a part of you that wants those things too?
Of course.
You guys are out of TP. Just FYI.
Thank you, Stuart.
When your partner wants something that bad,
how can you say no?
Brian, being a parent is awesome.
For the first six years, they believe anything you tell them.
You know how you like dressing up as Cher for Halloween?
- Yeah. - Okay. I want you to picture
carrying around a little baby dressed like Sonny.
Oh, my God. Can babies grow mustaches or would I have to buy one?
I'm joking, but I'm only 75% sure I'm joking.
I'm gonna suck at this.
I'm a superficial narcissist who is a prisoner of his own vanity.
And as much as I love that about myself,
I'm mean, I'm judgmental.
I'm like my dad.
And you know, as fathers go, he didn't exactly nail it.
I was just like you.
I was so scared, I said I would never have kids.
Luckily, Derek has this, like, weird ability to look you in the eye,
tell you everything's going to be okay, and every time you believe him
and you burst into tears.
I'm so glad I listened because when you give birth to that baby,
- or in your case, unbox it… - Wow.
…it just hits you.
Brian, you give yourself so much shit.
But you are already one of the most empathetic guys that I know.
When you see somebody who really needs you,
you take a deep breath and you reach out for them.
So what more could you want in a father?
- Thanks. - Hey, here we go.
I'd like him to do his thing.
D, he needs the special.
Okay, look at me, Brian.
Whatever it is…
everything's gonna be okay.
Got him.
He got me.
Are you okay?
You can't sleep?
Patient shit.
I should have guessed.
What's keeping you up?
I'm nervous about my speech.
You'll do awesome.
Give me some of that.
I've got this kid I'm worried about.
A lot of unresolved dad issues.
Oh, my God.
Is it me?
This is gonna sound like crunchy nonsense,
but a few weeks ago I told him
if you don't truly face your past…
it's gonna come back for you.
I can't shake this feeling that there's some bad shit
headed this way.
So, you're psychic now?
When you've been doing this as long as I have,
you sense stuff that's in the air.
Traumas that haven't been dealt with.
Confrontations avoided.
Two rings. That bitch.
It's like all those old skeletons are gonna sneak up
and bite us on the ass.
Does that sound crazy?
A little.
But it's also a great way for me to tell you
that Mom is coming to town to see my speech,
and while she's here…
she wants to see you too.
Good.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think I have a big ego?
I'm sorry. I thought you were doing a bit.
Well, let's see.
One time, you were so obsessed with work
that you didn't raise me for 18 years.
You could've just said yes.
I am all for you bringing me coffee at 8:00 a.m.,
but it makes me wonder.
- Are you a morning person? - I am. This is my third date today.
- Well, we may not be compatible. - Right.
But I do already have some maple bacon in the oven.
So, you might as well stay.
Also, I have the trap remix to the Lord of the Rings score queued up.
It's 30 minutes long. So when that's over, I do need to go to work.
The bad news is I will spend 15 minutes of our date time
changing into a less cleavage-forward ensemble, if you will.
'Cause you know my patients can't handle all this.
- It's distracting. Yeah. Big time. - Is it? Thank you.
- Did you look? - Just with my eyes.
- That's funny. - They're nice.
Of course my sister would be calling.
- Give me the phone. Let me do my thing. - Okay. Good luck.
Hello. You've reached Gaby Something's office.
- She can't come to the phone. - Nice.
I'm sorry. What?
How could I even fuck my own face?
- Yeah, you should talk to her. - Give me that.
Dude, what do you want? I'm on a coffee and bacon date.
Mom got into a car accident. She's at the hospital.
And since you've been dodging me, that's all you get to know.
- I'm sorry. - No,
honestly, if it was serious, she wouldn't have hung up.
- But you know, I should go. - Yes.
Can you do me a huge solid?
Can you take the maple bacon out of the oven
and then can you open up all the windows
so the house doesn't smell like maple bacon?
- Just say bacon. You're in a rush. - And the code
to the lock on the door is 80085.
Yes, it does spell "Boobs." No, you can't tell anybody.
Bacon, windows, boobs.
- Tell everyone. - Thanks.
And enjoy the music.
My precious.
- You should probably check on Mom. - Yep. Bye.
What is… Who is this?
- What the hell are you doing? - I don't know.
I felt like you were coming in here to tell me to clean my room.
I do have a big ego.
I'm aware. Yeah.
Your face takes up the whole cover of your book.
Well, I wrote it, didn't I?
Normally, I would not care that Sean opened up
to you about his father instead of me.
But just before that, I asked him a question
that I completely forgot that I had asked him before. It's like…
Who cares? I forget things all the time.
- That's why I take notes. - Well, so do I.
It's just…
with the…
with the Parkinson's, it's becoming more difficult,
and…
I'm scared I might be losing it.
No way, Paul.
I'm gonna make you a deal.
When the time comes, I'll tell you.
And you will not take it well, and you will make that face.
You'll probably be very mean to me about it.
But I will still tell you.
And I'm telling you that right now,
shit, man…
you're still the best at this.
I know.
And I apologize for sometimes being a pain in the ass.
And I know you think I never listen to you.
I want to show you something.
Just don't be a dick about it.
I'm still hanging out with Ray
because of you.
You have a friend.
I made you a friend.
I'm gonna stop now. But will you text that to me?
No, let's get to work.
I've been going over the notes that you sent me on Sean.
Yes, I read them the second you sent them to me.
Stop smiling.
When he dissociates, everything goes white.
What does that mean?
Okay, Nick Furry, this is your first playdate.
Now, just to warn you,
this human, Liz, is probably gonna make fun of your eye patch. So…
Hello?
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm sorry. Alice left her wallet.
- I was just gonna put it in the mailbox. - Give it to me.
Okay.
Can I ask you something?
- Are they okay? - Are you fucking serious?
I'm sorry. Right. I'm sorry.
Wait.
They're doing better.
We all are.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey.