- Here you go, Court. Yeah. - Thank you.
I struck out again.
Every job interview is asking me about the gap in my résumé.
There's no cool way to say that I went to rehab
and then spent seven years chilling with Mom.
Just tell them that you're a former narcotic tester who values family.
I'm serious.
- I wouldn't hire me. - Don't do that.
I'm rooting for you. All right? I'm gonna call you later.
And I'm rooting for ya!
- You're not rooting for her. - Of course I am.
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.
You said it, like, seven times, and not one of them was genuine.
You're doing her dirty.
You're a dirty bird.
Yeah, all right, it's complicated.
Obviously, I want my sister to get a job,
but the second she does, our mom becomes my problem.
So, I guess I'm hoping that if I say "I'm rooting for ya" enough,
I'll start to mean it.
Good luck, sister. I'm rooting for you.
Suck my ass.
This is not the way to the office.
Yeah, about that.
Remember that time I asked if you would guest lecture at my school,
and you said you'd rather spend time with your son-in-law?
- Yeah. That was a good one. - It was.
Well, I took that as a yes.
You're kidnapping me?
Don't be so dramatic.
I'm borrowing you, against your will.
- Take me home. - No.
Derek, eating funnel cake sort of defeats the purpose of hiking.
Well, maybe they shouldn't sell it in the parking lot, Jimmy.
Ignore him, honey.
Eat whatever you want when you're exercising.
Okay, if Liz is done making up for her infidelity…
I will strangle you.
Charlie and I found a baby!
Hey! All right.
The mother is five months pregnant, so we still have prep time.
Plus, the baby's mixed race,
and I've already used it as an excuse to cancel plans later.
I've always wanted a mixed-race baby!
That's true. She has.
This is not your baby, Liz.
I know.
Well, I don't believe that.
- You shouldn't. - I wouldn't.
You know, our baby doesn't like your attitude.
Sit your ass down, Paul.
I would like to thank Dr. Rhoades for coming.
I wish he hadn't have said that the world is already full of therapists
and you all are wasting your time, but he is who he is.
Does anybody have any questions?
Noah?
Is cognitive behavioral therapy better than humanistic therapy?
- Do I have to answer the stupid ones? - Yeah.
Great question.
My answer's yes.
Next?
You. Be better.
I read your book. Twice. You're a genius.
Now we're cooking.
All right. Enough ass-kissing.
What's the most common issue you see in your practice?
Well, in my practice, it's…
it's patients that can't seem to get out of their own way.
They're stuck in problems of their own creation.
I do not love that you said that last part directly to me.
But it does make me feel better about doing this…
Did everybody bring their copy of Dr. Rhoades's book?
Yes.
Let's do it!
Check it out. It's a room full of Pauls.
I'm gonna frame this in my office.
I don't give a shit.
I love this.
Okay. I will see your Skittles
and I will raise you three pink Starbursts.
Too rich for me.
I call.
Three queens. Whatcha got?
Boom!
Nothing.
How'd you know I was bluffing?
You have the weirdest tell.
Every time you realize I'm about to beat you,
you look proud of me.
Poker's hard. I am proud of you.
Jorge used to clean me out in the barracks.
Yeah, 'cause you can't gamble for shit, bro.
It's good to see you laugh, man. How you been feeling?
Good.
Staying with my boy the last few weeks and working at the truck
helped me realize I was just missing a routine, you know?
I'm grateful.
Somebody did it for me. Just passing it on.
Let's not get emotional, guys.
- I'm fine. - I'm talking about me, Sean.
We got beer, men, cards. Somebody deal.
- Hi. - Hi.
You're coming with me to pizza tonight.
No, I already ate.
Plus, I just did my skincare and took a gummy.
Come on.
I have only hung out with this guy once.
What if he, like, ties me up and throws me in his trunk?
That's hot.
Okay, I'll come.
But we're getting a hundred garlic knots.
Okay, perfect.
Love you. See you soon.
- Hey. You one of Sean's buddies? - Hi.
The game's out back.
No, I'm actually going to take Alice for pizza.
Are ya?
It's just, you got a face of a full-grown dude.
What are you? Like, 37?
No, sir. I'm 17.
Wow.
I'm Dylan, by the way.
No shit! You're the Dyl-pickle.
Sorry, that's a nickname I made up to tease Alice
so I could have sex with her mom.
Why are you telling me this?
I wish I knew, pal.
You know what, you surprised me, Dylan. So I just gotta regroup.
It's actually a little late to be heading out for pizza.
It's 8:30.
No, that's a good pizza time.
Okay. I'm gonna lay out a few ground rules for ya.
Cool.
You okay?
Sir?
You good?
Sir, can I help?
Please.
Okay, here we go.
Holy shit!
So, first off, no drinking.
And, second of all, if it's gonna be past midnight, you have her call me.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna go wait for Alice in the car.
It's nice to meet you.
Feel better.
He's gonna use the fact that he saved my life
to try to have sex with Alice, isn't he?
- I would. - Definitely, bro.
Yeah. This would be a lot easier if I hadn't felt his dick in my back.
So, when it happened, did you see Jesus?
No, but I think my nana was there. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Did Dylan save your life?
I wouldn't say that, no.
I was about to dislodge the grape, so I think he helped me save my own life.
- Back me up, Sean. - He definitely saved your life.
- What, am I supposed to lie? - Yes, Sean. Sometimes we lie.
Did you also call him Dyl-pickle and say he had a full-grown dude face?
He did have a full-grown dude face.
Look, are we certain that "Dylan" is not a full-grown man
- with a family… - Oh, my God.
…who is trying to make it as a high-school sports star?
I saw a documentary, kid. These things happen.
Look, I was just thrown, okay?
I didn't know you were seeing anybody.
I literally hung out with him, like, once. I haven't told anyone.
- Told me. - Sometimes we lie, Sean.
At this point, I'm just having fun.
Fine. Last week, he invited me to a dance at his school.
It's time I reenter the world, okay? So, I'm gonna go.
Oh, my gosh. That's great. I'm proud of you.
Also, Dylan's parents are letting other parents over to their house
to take embarrassing photos, but due to recent events,
I'm sure you understand why you're not invited.
I do.
What if I promise not to eat any snacks wider than my esophagus?
See you, Dad.
Hey, I love you.
I mean, I'm happy for her.
I'm just kind of bummed she didn't tell me.
Jimmy, that has nothing to do with you.
When I was her age, I didn't tell my dad jack
'cause I was getting into so much debaucherous shit.
Like the last dance I was at in high school…
Is there anything I can do to keep you
- from telling me this story? - There just isn't.
I got so shwasted
and I gave such a powerful hand job that I ended up spraining my wrist
and had to wear a brace to graduation.
Proud moment for your family.
Look, I've spent way too much time listening to you shitting on yourself,
so I want you to hear this:
Alice asserting her independence means you did good.
Now, the hard part for you is figuring out how to let her separate
without making her feel guilty.
If you can manage to do that, then when she really needs something,
there's a chance that you'll be the one she calls.
I can do that.
Good.
I'm sorry, Gaby, I have to know.
If you sprained your wrist, what happened to this poor kid's penis?
He had to wear a brace to graduation as well.
What's up, Big Bird, Dr. Grumps?
Nope.
Hey. Is everything okay?
Yeah.
I finally figured out my work sitch.
I'm joining the army. I actually report in a week.
A week? And where did you get that idea?
Oh, hell no. Lunchtime is over.
You guys, get out of the truck.
Sorry, this is actually not about the food.
This is an outside issue.
Out!
Thanks for meeting at my office.
Charlie's a management consultant.
No one even knows what he does.
I assume he assesses companies
and then consults on strategies to improve on system efficiency?
Exactly.
- Are you two fucking? - Why would you even say that?
Focus, Stuart. Let's talk baby.
So, we definitely want to be called to the hospital for the birth.
Maybe we can get a police escort so we can speed.
I'm loving this enthusiasm.
The mother really responded to your brochure.
So you two are definitely in the mix.
- In the mix? - What?
So, we're just an Oscar nominee? We're Glenn fucking Close?
It's between you and a straight couple.
Tragic, I know.
The mom just wants to meet everyone, so think of it as a first date.
How is that helpful?
I screwed up every first date I ever went on.
I'm a lot.
Really? I hadn't noticed.
Wow.
Jimmy, I need your help.
Oh, sorry.
I always forget he actually does work here.
It's okay. We're not really getting anywhere today.
Calm down, Steven. We started two minutes ago.
Brian, get out.
No, this is an emergency. I need you to help me not be me.
Same.
How about the next time my sister asks you for a sandwich,
instead of G.I. Janeing her, you actually give her a sandwich.
I mean, she did get a sandwich.
Gabs, I really wanna do this.
I don't wanna get some dumb job around here.
I wanna see the world.
Can I say something?
By all means, Sean's friend.
Please weigh in on this important family issue.
I was where Courtney is and, look,
I know it sounds corny, but it helped me get my shit together.
Now, I've got friends I can count on forever.
Cool.
But, Courtney, I just thought that I'd have more time.
I know I promised you three months with Mom.
So, if you want me to wait, there's another portal next year.
I'm not doing this without your blessing.
Hold up. Is this the plan?
You guys become some weirdo emotionally-manipulative platoon
and just give me sad eyes until I cave in?
Damn it. It's working.
I'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
I'll grab drinks to celebrate.
I'll help.
I'm gonna fuck him.
Really? In the shrimp truck?
Look at us doing good things for the people we love.
Not getting mad at each other for meddling.
- You are on my shit list. - Okay.
You think she's gonna be okay? Like, seriously?
I think she's gonna be great.
I can't think of a single first date or interview, or first anything,
that didn't go horribly.
You realize because Steven left early I don't get paid, right?
Focus.
I don't know why everything always goes south for me so quickly.
I have thoughts.
I shouldn't have come here.
There's no way you can figure me out quickly enough.
I'm too complex.
You grew up gay in Texas with a conservative father,
so you developed strategies to survive
and now your defense mechanism is to lash out when you meet people,
because you're afraid that they'll reject you first.
Nuh-uh.
Brian, look, Charlie humanizes you.
Maybe just let him do most, if not all, of the talking.
I'm not capable of going 45 minutes without talking.
My record is three, and I'd just gotten my tonsils out.
Okay, you tell Charlie that when he sees you falling into your defensive patterns,
he can lightly squeeze your arm.
Now, that will be your cue to just take a deep breath, reset,
and say the exact opposite of what you were about to say.
Got it.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing, buddy.
The people I worry about are the ones who are stuck.
That's not you.
Look, man, I wish that you could look at yourself through my eyes
and see just how far you've come.
Oh, my God. Jimmy, are you good at your job?
Yeah, sometimes.
Arrogant.
Okay, now I gotta get a handle on the baby part.
Stuart said the mom could ask a million questions about parenting.
That I can't help you with.
When Alice was a baby, I was more of a "do what you're told" kind of dad.
You know who we need to see.
No.
You do what I say, when I say, and how I say it.
Is it weird that I'm a little turned on?
Is this funny to you?
If you screw up getting us this beautiful mixed baby,
I will rip your dick off
and smack you in the face with it!
I hate all of you.
- There you are. - Hey.
What's going on back there?
Oh, yeah. She's giving Brian a crash course on all things baby.
She's gonna wanna know if you're doing formula or breast milk.
We don't say "ew" over breast milk.
Got it. It's disgusting, but we don't say it.
That reminds me when Mom would feed you,
you would get the cutest little breast milk mustache.
- I'm gonna skip past that. - That's fair.
I don't have a dress for tonight.
I mean, I have a hundred dresses, and I love them all,
but I also hate them all. You know what I mean?
I hear you. That's why I no longer own shorts.
I know I'm just anxious, but can I get a new one?
Yeah. Let's do it. I'll drive.
I was just asking if I can get your credit card?
Course. Sure thing.
- Here you go, kid. - Wait. No speech?
No angling to come with?
'Cause I want this so bad. I'd let you sit in the parking lot.
Nah. You got this.
- Thanks. - Have fun.
Parking lot sounded sweet.
- Right? - Yeah.
'Cause if they take longer than five minutes,
you can pretend you're just stretching your legs and go in.
Spy on them.
- Yeah. Dad life. - Yeah.
Make your kid think you don't care when you do.
Fuck yeah.
We found out Matthew lost his job again…
and Liz and I, you know, we want to comfort him,
but we can't say anything until he tells us himself.
How do you not cave?
Every time I feel tempted, I just flick myself on the balls.
- Right. - Yeah.
I'll find my own thing.
Listen, the army's not my thing.
I don't love a bunk bed.
Does your mom know your sister's leaving yet?
No. Courtney's telling her right now.
Okay, well… I gotta do my stretches. Dr. Sykes sent some new ones over.
Wait, twerking helps with Parkinson's?
I know you want me to get out of here, but I'm not going to.
Do you think my mom's gonna want to move in with me?
How would I know? I never met her.
Would you wanna live with Meg?
I don't know.
Maybe someday.
The less time I have left on Earth,
the more I think about being near my kid.
Yeah, right, but I got a lot going on right now, you know?
Work, teaching, being a Dungeon Master.
Is that a sex thing?
No, Paul. It's a Dungeons & Dragons thing.
But there is a new guy. He's cool.
I can't have my mom around
while I'm trying to take him to the bone zone aka titty city.
How do I make her understand that she'll be a lot happier
if I get her live-in help and she stays at home?
Look, this isn't about her.
This is about setting boundaries. And saying what you want.
It'll be hard, but I'll do it.
What?
Look, kid, I'm not taking a shot at you here.
But we are who we are.
I'm a cranky old bastard with a full head of hair,
you're a lifelong caretaker.
The only person you're not good at looking after is yourself.
If your mom wants to move in with you, I'm not sure you could say "no".
I'm not sure I can either.
Want to sit with me and pretend to punch people?
Make you feel better.
I gotta go, but I love that for you. Get 'em.
Dave. Dave. Dave.
My dad.
Dave.
Paul can't know for sure. He's not psychic.
Right?
All right, turn that ass around, I want to see.
Hello, nurse. Hottie alert.
You're sure it's not too,
"Hey, I'm Alice, and I'm showing off my secret big'uns."
What? You have them, too.
Girl, please. These big'uns haven't been a secret since the seventh grade.
I don't know.
You look beautiful.
Thanks.
- And thanks for bringing me. - Of course.
Actually, there's something I want to say.
I know that all that stuff happened with Summer and Connor
and that I wasn't there.
I think it's safe to say I probably shouldn't have bonked your dad.
If you had asked, I would have said "run."
Well. You live and you learn.
But that is still no excuse.
Gaby, stop it.
If I had needed you, I would have blown up your phone,
- and you would have been there. - Always.
- Right. Turn around, let me zip you up. - Okay.
You look like your mom.
All right, so how you feeling about this dance?
The good thing is he goes to a different school.
So, I don't have to be the girl with the dead mom.
You know, I can just hide out and be anonymous.
You can be whoever you wanna be.
In college, I was bisexual Gaby for a semester
until I decided cooters weren't for me.
That sounds kinda fun.
It was, but vaginas are a lot.
Anyway, you ready? I'm gonna get this, this is on me.
Dad gave me his credit card.
- What? - Yeah.
Get whatever you want, he'll never know. Hey, maybe I'll get me something.
Oh, my God. How about these "fuck me" boots.
I like it. Let's just make sure they don't call them that on the receipt.
So, Brian and Charlie, how did you two meet?
Nonsexual role-playing? Seriously?
Gestalt therapy uses role-playing to help patients
confront maladaptive behaviors and you are no longer listening to me,
so let's just do this.
I'm back in character.
I ovulated, I'm with child.
My breasts are voluptuous…
Okay, Liz.
I feel overwhelmed at the thought of having a baby.
Do you and your husband feel ready for it?
That's a great question.
Charlie, why don't you take this one?
Not the point of this exercise.
Are you guys gonna baby-proof the house?
I'm so young and clueless, when does a kid even walk?
A week. A month?
Trick question, some never do!
- Jesus Christ. - This is stupid.
Liz, why don't you just tell me what you'd want to hear
if you were giving your baby up.
I mean, obviously, I'd wanna hear that you would love the baby so much.
And don't pretend that you're not gonna make mistakes. 'Cause you will.
Like, if you were desperate for a daughter, but you had a third boy.
So you didn't cut his hair, and when people said,
"Oh, what a beautiful girl," you didn't correct them.
And maybe you pierced his baby ears.
Look, you're gonna do everything for your kid.
And you know what your reward is?
They grow up and reject you. 'Cause they're assholes.
And then you have to find a way to be happy
that they can stand on their own two feet.
And that is not easy.
But I think what I would like to hear the most
is that even if people keep reminding you
that your life shouldn't revolve around your child,
from the moment they put that baby in your arms
and you see the trust in his eyes, you just know in your heart
that it's the most important thing that you'll ever do.
Just say that.
Oh, shit. I gotta go.
Alice is going to that dance later,
and I got to pretend to be "resting" in the living room
so I can catch her before she takes off.
You wanna hug?
If you blow this for me,
I'll make Charlie give me a baby the old fashioned way.
I know.
You know you just missed her, right?
Damn it.
Don't worry.
I gave Dylan the dad speech.
I think it was a bit more effective coming from me,
seeing as how I don't owe the guy my life.
Sean. He loosened the grape so that I could calmly spit it out
and I do not want to talk about this anymore.
Yeah, I know, buddy.
Hey, I snuck a picture of Alice in her dress for you. You wanna see?
Oh, my gosh. Yes.
She ain't here, man. You can say it.
She's a princess.
So, Paul, you and Julie got any cool, sexy plans tonight?
No. She's got kickboxing.
Holy cow. She kickboxes too? That's how she gets those legs.
Look, Paul. I know that you believe that I can't lay down the law with my mom,
but I'll have you know I'm a lot stronger than you think.
Plus, I got a ton of great people in my life that will help me through it.
Whether they want to or not.
You're not taking me home, are you?
Not your home.
Goddamn it.
I suggested that we meet here 'cause it's closer to where she works.
Plus, this way, when I faint, there are three people to help catch me.
Thank you.
- That's mine. - It's mine now, thank you.
It's Matthew.
Finally calling to tell me he got shitcanned.
Little fucker.
Hey, sweetie. How are you?
Oh, no.
But you were the best manager Buffalo Wild Wings ever had.
Bu… Where is she going? And why would he work there?
Don't panic. We got you.
Hey, sweetie. Everything okay?
Yeah. We ended up ditching the dance.
I'm at an after-party at Dylan's.
He lives right by that kid from my fourth-grade class
who was kosher and you accidentally fed him bacon.
Best day of Zack Bornstein's life.
It's just…
I'm fine, but can you meet me on that corner?
I'm on my way.
What? No.
I have to.
Wow.
I'm Ava.
Sorry that I'm late, the restaurant got slammed.
It's okay. You are gonna love them. Enjoy my house.
Wait…
This is fancy. Love this.
Oh, yes.
Mom, this is Paul. Paul, this is my mother Phyllis.
- I've told her a lot about you. - Hi.
How nice to meet you.
He doesn't seem like he's in love with himself.
- Just give him a minute. - Your daughter's amazing.
I'm honored to call her a colleague and a friend.
She's lucky to have you as a mentor.
Extremely lucky.
Now I see it.
So look, Mom. There's something that we need to discuss.
Y'all a couple or something?
I'm spoken for.
- Oh, okay. - No.
- Well, what's going on? - No.
So, the thing with Courtney leaving…
Okay. Hold on. I just got here, baby.
I haven't even seen the rest of your place yet.
And I wanna see which bedroom gonna be mine.
You'll love the room at the end of the hall,
it's got a ton of great light.
Light is good. Where is it? Down here?
- Just that way. - Okay.
Don't beat yourself up. You're a good daughter.
Maybe she'll remarry one day.
Okay.
Not to be awkward, but… I'm half-Japanese.
- The father… - Japanese.
Score.
- Not that it matters. Here's your water. - Thanks.
I've never had a meeting like this before so I don't know where to start.
Well, you can start at the beginning.
Okay.
Sure. Yeah.
Boom. Boom.
So, how did you get preggers?
Nope.
Forget I said that.
In fact let's just hit rewind.
Wait, where the hell's my coffee cup?
You saw me throw it in here, right?
What! How did this happen?
Did I miss? Oh, my gosh.
Am I losing my mind? What kind of black hole…
Well, that's not even empty.
That's…
Check this out. It got stuck between the two bins.
That is crazy, I thought I was going absolutely nuts…
Stop. Breathe.
Yeah…
Can I start again? I'm just nervous.
I am… Me too.
Have you always known that you wanted to be parents?
If I'm being honest, it's been a journey for us.
I was terrified.
Not Charlie.
He was born for this.
- How are you feeling now? - Better.
I've still got a lot to learn.
But I do know that it takes a village.
That's actually why I wanted you to meet us here.
We wanted you to see all the great people in our life
who would be in this baby's life.
Like if I don't know where the soft spot is,
I know that the village will.
Why aren't you squeezing my arm?
Because you're doing great.
The only reason my friends aren't here right now
is because they put their kids first.
And that's the type of parents we wanna be.
That's really great to hear.
I actually have a couple more questions that I scribbled down.
Oh, my God. Brian, look.
I've been collecting these since I was a kid.
I just love their dumb hair. It's so…
Me too. I used to put on shows with them.
- What? - Guys and Trolls, Evita…
Musicals are like my jam.
Okay. Well…
now I know you're the mother of our child.
- Can I see it? - Of course.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
- Hey. - Hey.
What's going on?
I just needed a minute.
I told Dylan I was talking Summer down from some bad molly.
Good lie.
Frighteningly specific.
You wanna tell me what's really up?
We were just hanging out,
and someone recognized me from "cheater cheater bitch".
And then they read through some comments
and just like that, I'm "the girl with the dead mom" again.
Ah, man.
Is it always gonna be like this?
I'm afraid so.
Awesome.
I do think it's gonna get easier with time.
Like when you go off to college.
Unless, of course, you wanna do college here and just live with me forever?
You want me to drive you home?
No.
No, I don't wanna hide anymore.
I just want people to stop feeling sorry for me.
Do you know why I tell people I have "dead wife face"?
Because you do?
Partly.
But also 'cause it's almost funny.
So it lets people know they don't have to walk on eggshells around me.
It doesn't always work, but…
makes me feel like I have some ownership over it.
I'm gonna go back inside.
Good.
Promise me you won't drive by and check-in.
I promise.
Show me your hands.
Okay.
So your mom is just gonna live in your guest room?
- No… - Derek.
…she said the bed in my guest room's too soft.
The sofa bed in my office is too hard.
Now, I guess her Goldilocks ass is going to sleep in my room
which apparently is "just fucking right".
You know, when Derek's mom comes to town,
she has to stay 2,000 feet away from our home at all times.
Same rules as sex offenders.
They do not mesh.
I'm sorry, baby. I'll work on it if you want.
"I can work on it if you want?" Who is this lady?
I'm nice now.
Hello, Stuart.
- So you said 2,000 feet away? - Yeah.
Damn. You got her on a registry or something?
Can you be on a registry if you emotionally abuse children?
Okay.
Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow.
What? What did he say? What?
She went with the other couple.
- Seriously? - Aw, guys.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but fuck that pregnant bitch.
I've actually heard you say that, like, six or seven times.
Yeah.
I really thought she'd pick us.
Why are you looking at me like that?
You don't know how much it means to me to see how disappointed you are.
So you're happy that I'm sad?
What the fuck?
Yeah. Do better, Charlie.
Honestly, I thought y'all were both on board with that little…
Welcome to the club, buddy.
Like, my mom was being such a bitch about curfew.
Like, sometimes, I honestly just wish she would disappear forever.
I can't believe I just said that.
Oh, my God. Look at you, you hate me.
No, I'm fine.
I just have dead mom face.
That was a good one.
No, really, like… Yeah, well, anyway, so…
Thank you.