1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:01,980 www.tvsubtitles.net 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,330 I'll rip your dick off, you son of a bitch! 3 00:00:10,340 --> 00:00:12,450 My eye! 4 00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,660 On behalf of the entire Disrupt conference, 5 00:00:14,670 --> 00:00:19,450 I would like to apologize for what happened out there this afternoon. 6 00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:22,510 This man will never be asked to judge again. 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,590 I've just learned he's been fired from Oracle, and apparently his wife left him. 8 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:32,430 Anyway, I just got a call from your attorney, Mr. LaFlamme, 9 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:37,729 informing me that in his view this incident is... actionable. 10 00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:42,069 And in addition to holding TechCrunch liable for any damages, 11 00:00:42,070 --> 00:00:44,190 which may include the loss to Pied Piper 12 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,610 of potentially billions in revenue and share value, 13 00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:52,650 uh, he be may naming me personally in a lawsuit. 14 00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:57,790 So... I would like to propose that we put this incident behind us, 15 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:03,089 legally speaking, by sending Pied Piper directly through to the finals 16 00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:07,920 of Start-Up Battlefield, where you will compete for the grand prize. 17 00:01:07,930 --> 00:01:10,429 - How does that sound? - I think that's... 18 00:01:10,430 --> 00:01:20,430 One question, uh, regarding our hotel accommodations? 19 00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:25,600 Bam! Am I right, guys? 20 00:01:25,610 --> 00:01:29,020 I was just happy you got punched in the face, Erlich, 21 00:01:29,030 --> 00:01:32,580 but now I'm super happy. I feel like I won twice. 22 00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:36,610 I'm gonna disrupt this bathroom. 23 00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:40,530 I don't think this couch pulls out. I guess I'll get myself a rollaway bed. 24 00:01:40,540 --> 00:01:44,450 I mean, you're welcome, guys. I had to fuck a wife and take a punch, 25 00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:46,840 but now we get to go into the finals tomorrow 26 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:49,010 without having blown our wad in the prelims. 27 00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:52,040 We're trending up, boys. We are trending up. 28 00:01:52,050 --> 00:01:54,310 Maybe you're right. But we should probably 29 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,630 get back down there and check out the competition. 30 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,800 Ladies and gentlemen, Gavin Belson. 31 00:02:03,150 --> 00:02:06,710 No matter what you may have heard, size matters. 32 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:11,150 Welcome, everyone, to a journey into the Nucleus. 33 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,320 I hope this sucks. 34 00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:15,200 Nucleus will provide the most diverse features 35 00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:17,740 ever assembled in a cloud-based compression suite. 36 00:02:17,750 --> 00:02:21,170 Massive functionality, inter-connectivity, 37 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:24,380 and the simplicity one has come to expect from the Hooli family. 38 00:02:24,390 --> 00:02:28,880 We're making all your files available for lightning-fast download. 39 00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:31,170 Accessible from any device. 40 00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:35,090 All these features will be seamlessly synced to Hooli-mail, 41 00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:39,480 Hooli-search and the full suite of Hooli computing power. 42 00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:41,730 That's a lot of functionality. 43 00:02:41,740 --> 00:02:44,430 Don't worry, he can't come close to our Weissman score. 44 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,070 Even with all this extra shit, it's like a fancy car with a crappy engine. 45 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,750 And now, for the moment of truth. 46 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:57,990 As you will now see, our Weissman score is the best in the history of compression. 47 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,450 What the fuck? 48 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,530 That's exactly the same score as us. 49 00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:07,040 Two-point-eight-nine. That is not an error. 50 00:03:07,050 --> 00:03:12,510 We are breathing rare air here, operating at the limit for lossless compression 51 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,210 in audio, video and data. 52 00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:20,059 Anyone who tells you that their platform is faster than ours better have good lawyers. 53 00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:23,550 I hope you've enjoyed your journey into the Nucleus. 54 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:29,440 We have the speed. We have the features. And we have... Shakira! 55 00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:37,320 Hola, TechCrunch! 56 00:03:42,710 --> 00:03:47,710 ☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com❃ 57 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:53,500 I mean, they just completely reverse- engineered our entire compression engine. 58 00:03:53,510 --> 00:03:55,170 He totally sniped us. 59 00:03:55,180 --> 00:03:57,220 - We'll be fine. - What? 60 00:03:57,230 --> 00:04:00,890 They judge this contest on viability in the marketplace. 61 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:04,260 I mean, at best, we're a worse version of Nucleus. 62 00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:07,060 I mean, they have 50 modules, and they're all awesome. 63 00:04:07,070 --> 00:04:09,109 We have five that barely work. 64 00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:12,779 I mean, we're still have trouble compressing 3D files. Who's lining up to buy that? 65 00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:14,600 Who the fuck cares? 66 00:04:14,610 --> 00:04:18,740 So the platform can't handle 3D files. You know what, 3D movies suck anyway. 67 00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:21,740 I could actually argue this Gavin nonsense is a positive. 68 00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:22,651 Please don't. 69 00:04:22,652 --> 00:04:24,650 We just need to really dial it up for the big show tomorrow. 70 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,830 Dial what up? He just ruined us. 71 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,170 And until then, we need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered, 72 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:33,590 act erratically, and blindly lash out at everything around us. 73 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,260 I'm gonna go get in Gavin's head. 74 00:04:35,270 --> 00:04:39,430 Hey, guys, I just had a thought. OK, so this is it, right? 75 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,880 A lot of successful start-ups launched with a different business model, 76 00:04:42,890 --> 00:04:45,880 and when they ran into trouble, they pivoted to something new. 77 00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:49,810 Like Instagram. That was a location-based check-in service when it started. 78 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:50,979 And then they pivoted. 79 00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,440 Or Chat Roulette, OK, that was social media, 80 00:04:53,450 --> 00:04:58,450 and then they pivoted to become a playground for the sexually monstrous. 81 00:04:58,460 --> 00:05:01,400 We just need a new idea, something that people want. Right? We can pivot, too. 82 00:05:01,410 --> 00:05:05,620 - Dude, you are fucked up right now. - Yeah, you're pinning bad. 83 00:05:05,630 --> 00:05:07,410 Well, I'll admit, I'm sleep-challenged. 84 00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,660 I just spent four days trapped in a steel box out on an oil rig 85 00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:12,130 full of robot-forklifts. 86 00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,880 So, that was hard, but I'm back. 87 00:05:14,890 --> 00:05:18,880 I am recovering and I am focused and we're gonna pivot. Don't lose faith, guys. 88 00:05:18,890 --> 00:05:21,220 All right, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. 89 00:05:21,230 --> 00:05:24,679 We've got a great name. We've got a great team. 90 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,310 We've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. 91 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:28,940 Now we just need an idea. 92 00:05:28,950 --> 00:05:34,020 Let's pivot! Let's pivot! 93 00:05:34,030 --> 00:05:36,520 That might be the last time we see him alive. 94 00:05:36,530 --> 00:05:39,790 I think I'm just gonna take a walk and, you know, try and clear my head. 95 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:46,530 I'll see you guys back at the hotel room and we'll figure out what to do. 96 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,950 We're going to be poor. 97 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:53,950 Hi! I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper. 98 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,420 What does it do? Good question. 99 00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:57,549 Maybe you can help us find an answer. 100 00:05:57,550 --> 00:06:01,540 What if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents? 101 00:06:01,550 --> 00:06:03,100 You know, like the fairy tale? 102 00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:06,389 For purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake. 103 00:06:06,390 --> 00:06:09,350 We're not here to tell you what to do with your rats, 104 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,640 we're here to get your rats, STAT. 105 00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:14,870 Would you be very interested, somewhat interested or not interested? 106 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:21,450 Which one? Which one? Which one? 107 00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:25,870 Look at them, all full of hope. Pricks. 108 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,370 Oh, look, Kwerpy's here recruiting. 109 00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:33,249 They just got 20 million in Series A at a $280 million dollar valuation. 110 00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:37,089 - Wow. - That could have been us. 111 00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:40,630 It's too bad we already have jobs, we could easily go work there. 112 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:46,640 Yeah. It'd be a real dickhead move to bail on Richard now, right? 113 00:06:46,650 --> 00:06:50,510 I mean, before we officially go under. 114 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:55,730 - Yeah. Yeah. Total dickhead move. - Yeah. Yeah. 115 00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:58,600 Even though... it is just a matter of days. 116 00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:02,779 - And we are so close. - I mean, he is standing right there. 117 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,190 - But I'm not a dickhead. - No. Neither am I. 118 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,910 Yep, just a couple of non-dickheads. 119 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,240 My dick and my head, totally separate. 120 00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:11,280 You've heard the phrase, "Time to pay the piper," right? 121 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:15,130 What if there was an app called Pied Piper that could tell you, 122 00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:19,840 to a statistical degree of certainty, whether you were going to heaven or hell? 123 00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:23,130 Very interested, somewhat interested, not interested? 124 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:26,300 Which one? Which one? Which one? 125 00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:29,720 So you made some really over-the-top promises about Nucleus. 126 00:07:29,730 --> 00:07:31,630 - Can you deliver? - Absolutely. 127 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:36,220 For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases, 128 00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:38,649 but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning. 129 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:41,890 Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! 130 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:45,100 I can speak for myself. Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. 131 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:47,230 Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. 132 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:50,490 Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. 133 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:55,460 All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven. 134 00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:57,169 - Wait, what rumor? - Thank you. 135 00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:59,550 Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? 136 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:04,750 Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology? 137 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:09,510 This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated. 138 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,720 OK, the alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, 139 00:08:12,730 --> 00:08:16,090 the impending crash of Hooli's stock... 140 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,600 This is the most ridiculous... 141 00:08:17,610 --> 00:08:20,570 Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, 142 00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:23,490 with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? 143 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,860 Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you. 144 00:08:26,870 --> 00:08:31,869 Care to comment? 145 00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:33,539 Let's keep moving, shall we? 146 00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:36,110 Yes, let's all keep moving. Let's move on from this. 147 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:40,500 I forgive you, Gavin. No matter how brutally I was assaulted. 148 00:08:40,510 --> 00:08:43,420 Wow, Pied Piper sounds like a great place to work. 149 00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:44,549 Oh, yeah, it is. 150 00:08:44,550 --> 00:08:46,880 Pied Piper is the best, right? 151 00:08:46,890 --> 00:08:49,850 Oh, my God, everyday feels like I've died and gone to hell. 152 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:51,130 I'm sorry. 153 00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:53,220 - He's a Satanist, so it's good. - Mm-hmm. 154 00:08:53,230 --> 00:08:56,100 - Oh, fun. - The point is, we love our company, 155 00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:57,690 and I don't have a problem saying that out loud. 156 00:08:57,700 --> 00:08:59,390 - You... - Love it. 157 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,569 We both say it out loud and I think that fact, 158 00:09:01,570 --> 00:09:05,560 proves that we're not dickheads. 159 00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:07,700 So what we wanted to ask you was... 160 00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:10,530 Guys? 161 00:09:10,540 --> 00:09:14,150 Totally between us, our beta crapped out. 162 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,320 The VC's did a full clawback and our Series A is DOA. 163 00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:22,160 We're going down. We have enough runway for maybe two, three weeks max. 164 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:32,170 So... do you guys think you could hire me? 165 00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:37,099 How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper, 166 00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:38,760 tracking the location of your child? 167 00:09:38,770 --> 00:09:40,600 I can follow your child anywhere, 168 00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:42,880 and there is nothing you can do to stop me. 169 00:09:42,890 --> 00:09:45,440 Most missing children are never found. 170 00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:52,440 Interested, very interested, or very interested? 171 00:09:52,450 --> 00:09:54,610 Richard. Hi... 172 00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:57,619 - Hey... suitcase. Yeah. - Yeah. 173 00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:59,120 So you're... 174 00:09:59,130 --> 00:10:04,620 Peter called. He saw Erlich's presentation, such as it was. 175 00:10:04,630 --> 00:10:06,920 And Gavin's. 176 00:10:06,930 --> 00:10:08,840 So he wants me to go back to Palo Alto. 177 00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:12,040 There's just a few other things he wants me working on. 178 00:10:12,050 --> 00:10:15,300 Now that we're, you know, dead in the water. 179 00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:18,550 Listen, I'm sorry you walked away from the money like you did. 180 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,906 But I swear I only wanted Peter to seed you 181 00:10:20,907 --> 00:10:23,319 because I thought you had a really great company. 182 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,860 It just didn't work out for you this time. 183 00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:27,560 Uh... can I be honest with you? 184 00:10:27,570 --> 00:10:31,480 I haven't had more than two straight hours of sleep in months. 185 00:10:31,490 --> 00:10:33,530 I've had a cold for, like, a year. 186 00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:37,650 My stomach cramps up so much I feel like I'm menstruating. 187 00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:40,540 Maybe this is for the better. 188 00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:43,130 Look, I gotta go. 189 00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:45,910 I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be working together anymore. 190 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,080 Yeah, me too. 191 00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:51,500 I guess... I guess we won't see each other again. 192 00:10:51,510 --> 00:10:55,470 Well, I mean, now that the rules about socializing with co-workers 193 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,510 aren't in effect anymore. Let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime. 194 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,400 What, like a "drink" drink? 195 00:11:03,410 --> 00:11:06,250 You go on dates with failures? 196 00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:09,600 - Constantly. - OK. 197 00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:16,190 - Uh... bye. OK. - Bye. 198 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,190 You have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time? 199 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:26,030 Why, yes. Yes, I do. 200 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,620 Adderall. This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours? 201 00:11:29,630 --> 00:11:33,090 No! Those belong to an underage kid that I brought to my house. 202 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,389 Yeah, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. 203 00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:39,300 That's a kind invitation, but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting! 204 00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:41,850 - Let's go now! - No. I'm pivoting! I'm pivoting! 205 00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:44,729 I'm pivoting! 206 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:48,520 I mean, what do we even present tomorrow? 207 00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:49,760 Honestly, anyone? 208 00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:51,280 Why do we have to present at all? 209 00:11:51,290 --> 00:11:52,890 What's that supposed to mean? 210 00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:54,750 If we are going to fail and be humiliated, why do it 211 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,730 on stage in front of 1,000 people and a live-streamed audience? 212 00:11:57,740 --> 00:11:59,720 Are you saying we shouldn't even show up? 213 00:11:59,730 --> 00:12:03,260 No offense, but it's basically going to be a public execution. 214 00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:05,670 Yes, and public executions are very popular. 215 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,490 It's show business. We are not quitting, Richard. 216 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:13,500 Look, Erlich, I want to present, I do, it's just... I don't know. 217 00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:20,099 Jesus, are you OK? 218 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,890 What? Yeah, I... OK. 219 00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,560 Yeah, all good. They let me go. 220 00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:27,650 - Who let you go? - When was the last time you slept, Jared? 221 00:12:27,660 --> 00:12:31,850 Absolutely, David. What are we talking about, gents? 222 00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:34,820 We're talking about how I didn't get to present in the prelims, 223 00:12:34,830 --> 00:12:36,891 because I was too busy getting my face pummeled 224 00:12:36,892 --> 00:12:38,529 so that our team could move forward. 225 00:12:38,530 --> 00:12:40,160 That's why we're presenting tomorrow. 226 00:12:40,170 --> 00:12:42,490 And you know what? We're going to win. 227 00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:46,620 Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off 228 00:12:46,630 --> 00:12:47,580 every guy in the audience. 229 00:12:47,590 --> 00:12:50,700 That's a lot of jerking. 230 00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:53,890 And we only have ten minutes to present. So... 231 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:58,460 So, we're fucked, aren't we? 232 00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:02,780 Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? 233 00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:05,880 So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is. 234 00:13:05,890 --> 00:13:08,220 - The what? - Mean jerk-time. 235 00:13:08,230 --> 00:13:10,310 I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, 236 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,510 time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate. 237 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:17,650 Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half. 238 00:13:17,660 --> 00:13:22,400 How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right? 239 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:25,900 Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, 240 00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:29,290 so you're going full-length. Four, see? 241 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:32,460 - Oh... - From the middle out. That does make sense. 242 00:13:32,470 --> 00:13:35,286 - Like two Shake Weights? - Yeah, so what we're trying to do, 243 00:13:35,287 --> 00:13:39,220 hypothetically, is minimize time, which is 800 dudes, 244 00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:43,590 multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time. 245 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:44,781 Of course, Erlich would have to 246 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:46,780 pre-sort guys by height, so that their dicks lined up. 247 00:13:47,990 --> 00:13:49,310 Not by height, technically. 248 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,980 The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. 249 00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:54,900 Call that D2F. 250 00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:57,490 - Huh. - Oh, my God. 251 00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:59,490 You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, 252 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:03,940 it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. 253 00:14:03,950 --> 00:14:07,530 The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, 254 00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:11,500 but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion... 255 00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:13,420 I'd just have to jerk it on an angle. 256 00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:15,799 So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, 257 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,969 and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, 258 00:14:17,970 --> 00:14:22,040 where length I creates a complimentary shaft angle. 259 00:14:27,790 --> 00:14:30,500 I'm such an idiot. Middle out! 260 00:14:30,510 --> 00:14:33,960 Middle out! Middle out! Oh, my God. 261 00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:37,880 How could I...? Uh... 262 00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:41,100 Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability 263 00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:47,270 to jerk different dicks simultaneously? 264 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,690 Shit. Yeah, I think it would. 265 00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:07,070 Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O, 266 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,830 has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks 267 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,790 otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted. 268 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:16,470 Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. 269 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,550 So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy. 270 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,510 Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina. 271 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:27,349 Guys? Richard's been locked in here for almost two hours. Do we think he's OK? 272 00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:29,310 Hmm. You don't think he'd... 273 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:33,680 He did seem pretty bummed out. 274 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,720 All right, guys, let's go. 275 00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:13,390 - The finals are starting. - Up! 276 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,510 Gilfoyle! 277 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,810 Jesus! 278 00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:20,230 What happened to the door? 279 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,230 Don't worry about it, Richard, is the platform up and running? 280 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,320 I made a few changes, but yeah... 281 00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:28,200 OK, tell me on the walk. All right, you dildos, let's go! 282 00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:30,960 All right, talk to me, Richard. What were you working on last night? 283 00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:32,919 Well, uh, I might've made a breakthrough. 284 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,410 Really, so everything is working? 285 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:44,420 Uh, technically, no. 286 00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:09,780 Let's face it, ladies, is there anything less sexy 287 00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:13,620 than when a user's visualization UX is completely sub-optimal? 288 00:17:13,630 --> 00:17:15,629 I mean, it's the worst, right? 289 00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:18,200 So we've gone through all the research and all the steps. 290 00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:19,866 We have a solution for these problems 291 00:17:19,867 --> 00:17:21,860 and Zenella is ready to bring it to the marketplace. 292 00:17:22,130 --> 00:17:24,290 Yeah, I get it, Richard. You changed a lot. 293 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,260 Just give me the basics and I can roll with it. 294 00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:27,710 I need to know what I'm presenting here. 295 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,470 I don't think I have time to explain it all. 296 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,270 What the hell does that mean? 297 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,020 Richard? Is this the right build? I can't find the mobile suite here. 298 00:17:34,030 --> 00:17:37,110 Uh, it is nowhere. I deleted it. 299 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,480 - What? - Here they are. 300 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,640 - Pied Piper's here. - Sorry we're late. 301 00:17:40,650 --> 00:17:42,480 Richard, talk to me. 302 00:17:42,490 --> 00:17:44,260 I can't front a band without knowing what we're playing? 303 00:17:44,270 --> 00:17:48,990 Uh... I'm think I'm just going to do the presentation myself. 304 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,240 Wait, what? No, no, no, Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard. 305 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,990 Respectfully... Respectfully, you're terrible. 306 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,330 You have world class showman standing right in front of you 307 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:57,490 and you're going to pass on that? 308 00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:00,009 Release me, Richard. Release the Kraken! 309 00:18:00,010 --> 00:18:03,330 - Pied Piper. You're on. - This is it! 310 00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:05,000 I don't know what you did, Richard, 311 00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:07,920 - but I hope it works. - Me, too. 312 00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:10,840 All right, let's welcome our final team to the finals 313 00:18:10,850 --> 00:18:14,310 of this year's TechCrunch Disrupt Start-Up Battlefield. 314 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,680 Presenting for Pied Piper is Erlich Bachman. 315 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,820 Uh... actually there has been a change of plans. 316 00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:30,490 Presenting for Pied Piper will be Richard Hendricks. 317 00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:40,040 Richard? 318 00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:43,090 Sorry. Got a little light-headed there for a second. 319 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,380 I set 'em up for you, now knock 'em down. 320 00:18:46,390 --> 00:18:49,960 I don't understand. I thought he made the platform better. 321 00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:53,350 - He just deleted everything. - Maybe he moved it to the cloud? 322 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:56,220 No. All The Carver's work is gone. 323 00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:59,720 Pied Piper is a cloud based compression. Without the cloud, nothing's left. 324 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:04,440 Gentlemen, this is likely the last ten minutes of Pied Piper, so let's enjoy it. 325 00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:06,400 - Has he lost his mind? - He's lost his fucking mind. 326 00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:09,310 Hello... Hello. Hello. 327 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,740 Um... I am... My name is Richard Hendricks, 328 00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:17,620 and I am, along with this guy, him, him... 329 00:19:17,630 --> 00:19:21,880 and another guy that has disappeared... 330 00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:27,580 Uh... um... We are Pied Piper. A compression company. 331 00:19:27,590 --> 00:19:30,050 Well, you know, in your pamphlets it says that we are 332 00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:34,090 a cloud based multi-platform solution for user-focused compression. 333 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:37,680 And we were. Until yesterday. 334 00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:41,980 But now we are not. 335 00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:44,230 Uh, because you see, Hooli 336 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,400 did everything that we were tying to do, better, way better. 337 00:19:47,410 --> 00:19:49,600 Um... 338 00:19:49,610 --> 00:19:55,280 Nucleus is built on the same engine as ours, like exactly the same, 339 00:19:55,290 --> 00:19:58,950 and their Weissman score was 2.89, same as ours. 340 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,420 But the thing is, they built a ton of really great stuff up on top of that. 341 00:20:03,430 --> 00:20:07,370 And we can't compete, so now we have to be something else. 342 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,870 Um... well-played, Hooli. 343 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:15,850 Uh, OK, so anyway, we all know that the most obvious way 344 00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:19,600 to compress files is with Shannon coding, right? Top down. 345 00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:22,440 Richard, they can't see that, it's too small. 346 00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:24,140 - OK. - Literally, hundreds of people here. 347 00:20:24,150 --> 00:20:27,390 Oh, no, but I need... 348 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,840 Shit, OK. 349 00:20:28,850 --> 00:20:32,150 Um... right, oh. 350 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:36,159 Uh, so Shannon coding and then David Huffman came along, 351 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:41,040 and he pioneered bottom up, and Lempel-Ziv with left to right, obviously. 352 00:20:41,050 --> 00:20:43,830 And for decades, we used these codes to compress, 353 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,580 you know, JPEGs, MPEGs, MP3s, zips, all that stuff. 354 00:20:47,590 --> 00:20:52,679 But we all know that, so there's no point in talking about it. 355 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:58,560 But what happened was, last night I was watching my friends here have this argument. 356 00:20:58,570 --> 00:21:02,840 About, you know, manipulating... data... 357 00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:05,650 And, you know, how many datas 358 00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:09,430 could one guy manipulate at once and, uh... 359 00:21:10,710 --> 00:21:13,190 And I was just... I was thinking. 360 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,770 Maybe it could be another way, you know? 361 00:21:14,780 --> 00:21:17,699 Something that I would call, "middle out". 362 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:22,330 It's up and down, back and forth all at the same time going on at once. 363 00:21:22,340 --> 00:21:26,250 OK, well, anyway, I deleted all our modules last night, 364 00:21:26,260 --> 00:21:29,190 and I completely rebuilt our engine, from scratch last night. 365 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,690 Um... 366 00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:34,719 Now, this morning I really only had enough time to do one test, 367 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:42,559 and when I did, we hit a Weissman score of 3.8. 368 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,220 Now, I know the theoretical limit was 2.9, 369 00:21:46,230 --> 00:21:51,860 - but as you can see here... - I'm sorry. You scored a 3.8? 370 00:21:51,870 --> 00:21:53,860 Uh... Yes, sir. 371 00:21:53,870 --> 00:21:56,360 And this is a universal lossless compression engine? 372 00:21:56,370 --> 00:21:59,730 - Text? Audio? Video? - Yes, that is correct. 373 00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:03,320 Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your eloquent presentation, Richard. 374 00:22:03,330 --> 00:22:06,919 But, rather than say anything more, why don't we just give you a file 375 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,210 and we'll see whether this thing can do what you say it does. 376 00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:12,920 Because if it can't, then we're done here, right? 377 00:22:12,930 --> 00:22:14,630 Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. 378 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,929 So we can give you any kind of file and you can compress it, 379 00:22:16,930 --> 00:22:20,420 without degradation, at this standard? Three-eight? 380 00:22:20,430 --> 00:22:23,160 Yes... yep. 381 00:22:23,170 --> 00:22:26,140 All right, give us a minute, please. 382 00:22:26,150 --> 00:22:33,330 - What do we got? - Does anyone have anything? 383 00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:36,240 - Do you have something? - I've got a file for him. 384 00:22:36,250 --> 00:22:38,520 OK. Andy Stafford here has a file for you. 385 00:22:38,530 --> 00:22:41,940 - OK. - It's a 132 gigabytes un-compressed, 386 00:22:41,950 --> 00:22:47,250 and it's a 3D video file. 387 00:22:47,260 --> 00:22:50,050 OK. 388 00:22:50,060 --> 00:22:51,950 Shit... 389 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,210 - A fucking 3D file? - Yes. 390 00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:57,710 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Goddammit. 391 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,880 - Can we handle this? - I guess we'll find out. 392 00:23:00,890 --> 00:23:10,890 Dammit, I hope this works. 393 00:23:12,780 --> 00:23:14,360 Shit... it's hung. 394 00:23:14,370 --> 00:23:17,530 Oh, no. 395 00:23:17,540 --> 00:23:19,400 Is it stuck? 396 00:23:19,410 --> 00:23:23,070 There is a time limit, you have two minutes remaining. 397 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:27,160 Come on, come on, come on... 398 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,460 It looks like it's done. 399 00:23:30,470 --> 00:23:32,990 Wait, 24 gigs? What happened? 400 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,839 Oh... shit, there's no way. 401 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,250 It didn't compress the whole thing. It should be twice that size. 402 00:23:39,260 --> 00:23:43,090 I mean, 24 gigs, that's less than a fourth the file size. 403 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:44,679 That seems dubious, Richard. 404 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:48,060 Why don't we run a Weissman test for verification, see where we went wrong. 405 00:23:48,070 --> 00:23:57,600 OK, I mean it shouldn't take too long, it only compressed half the fucking file. 406 00:23:57,610 --> 00:24:00,100 I'm sorry. I shouldn't have rewritten all this code. 407 00:24:00,110 --> 00:24:02,029 I mean, what we had before worked. 408 00:24:02,030 --> 00:24:05,039 I'm sorry, guys. Gavin won. We lost. 409 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:11,080 At least it didn't happen in a public and brutally embarrassing way. 410 00:24:11,090 --> 00:24:17,370 - Thanks, Gilfoyle. - Yeah. 411 00:24:17,380 --> 00:24:20,010 Wait a second. What's happening? 412 00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:25,630 There's no errors, look! 413 00:24:26,770 --> 00:24:29,850 - Five-point-two? How, how...? - Wait, what? 414 00:24:29,860 --> 00:24:32,559 Wait, it compressed the whole file? 415 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:34,220 That's the whole file. 416 00:24:34,230 --> 00:24:37,390 It's just half the size I thought it would be. 417 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:41,100 Ladies and gentlemen, obviously we're going to keep looking at this to verify, 418 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:45,950 but with a confirmed score of 5.2, Pied Piper appears to have just doubled 419 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,870 the best Weissman score ever measured. Doubled it! 420 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,910 Pied Piper, ladies and gentlemen! 421 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,080 Let's hear it for them! 422 00:24:54,090 --> 00:24:56,210 Holy shit! 423 00:24:56,220 --> 00:24:58,259 Hey, I'm at TechCrunch. 424 00:24:58,260 --> 00:25:01,580 This kid Hendricks and Pied Piper just ran a two minute mile. 425 00:25:01,590 --> 00:25:02,920 We should get on this, now. 426 00:25:02,930 --> 00:25:08,099 Suck it, Gavin Belson! 427 00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:09,810 Hendricks, you beautiful bastard! 428 00:25:09,820 --> 00:25:12,510 I told you we'd do it! Come on! 429 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,650 We're not going to be poor! 430 00:25:14,660 --> 00:25:17,570 What happened? What happened? What happened? 431 00:25:17,580 --> 00:25:18,930 Uh, we just won the cup! 432 00:25:22,830 --> 00:25:26,990 And I don't think it comes as any shock that the winner of this year's Disrupt Cup 433 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:34,630 and $50,000, like they're going to need it, is Pied Piper. 434 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,370 So Richard wrote the code? 435 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:40,540 Richard wrote the code, yes, but the inspiration was clear. 436 00:25:40,550 --> 00:25:42,299 Let me ask you something. 437 00:25:42,300 --> 00:25:46,880 How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 438 00:25:46,890 --> 00:25:48,600 'Cause I know how long it would take me. 439 00:25:48,610 --> 00:25:49,970 And I can prove it. 440 00:25:49,980 --> 00:25:51,630 - Nice. - Thank you so much. 441 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:52,630 I don't fully understand it 442 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,140 but I would definitely like to invest. 443 00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:55,970 - Oh, great. - Really impressed. 444 00:25:55,980 --> 00:25:57,270 I really want to get you in front of my partners. 445 00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,319 - Really soon. - Oh wow. I appreciate that, guys. 446 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,440 Well, hopefully we'll talk to each other soon. 447 00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:02,360 - Thanks. - Thanks. 448 00:26:02,370 --> 00:26:04,610 - Hey! - Monica! 449 00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:07,650 Congratulations! You were amazing up there. 450 00:26:07,660 --> 00:26:09,659 - Thank you. - I just spoke with Peter. 451 00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:13,960 He watched the live-stream via satellite and said he was "not unpleased". 452 00:26:13,970 --> 00:26:16,669 Oh, yeah, that's great. 453 00:26:16,670 --> 00:26:20,380 So I guess we're back to working together, huh? 454 00:26:20,390 --> 00:26:25,830 Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. 455 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,920 It's gonna get pretty insane for you, Richard. 456 00:26:27,930 --> 00:26:29,239 - Yeah. - You're going to have more 457 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:30,831 offers of funding than you're going to know 458 00:26:30,832 --> 00:26:32,399 - what to do with. - Yeah. 459 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,306 You're going to have to grow a business, hire a staff, 460 00:26:34,307 --> 00:26:36,300 rent offices, get an assistant. 461 00:26:36,740 --> 00:26:39,900 Peter is going to be a lot more hands on and a lot tougher on you. 462 00:26:39,910 --> 00:26:43,070 People may take credit for your idea and try and sue you. 463 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,070 - How awesome is that? - Uh... yeah, that's awesome. 464 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,110 I mean, if you thought it was crazy getting to this point, 465 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,311 - you're not going to believe what it turns into from here. 466 00:26:50,312 --> 00:26:52,421 - Right. - I mean pretty soon, you could be managing 467 00:26:52,422 --> 00:26:55,619 thousands of employees who are all looking up to you. 468 00:26:55,620 --> 00:26:58,080 Gavin Belson, he's not going away anytime soon. 469 00:26:58,090 --> 00:27:01,209 - Mmm. - But it's going to be amazing. 470 00:27:01,210 --> 00:27:11,210 Excuse me a second. 471 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,780 Oh, Jesus. 472 00:27:19,530 --> 00:27:24,530 ☯Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17☯ ❃www.addic7ed.com❃