1 00:00:08,150 --> 00:00:09,879 Thanks for coming in and sitting down with us. 2 00:00:09,950 --> 00:00:13,796 We're really excited to meet a few good engineers to join the Pied Piper team. 3 00:00:13,870 --> 00:00:16,635 So, why don't you tell us a little about yourself? 4 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,752 I don't work before noon. 5 00:00:19,950 --> 00:00:21,839 Or after 2:00 p.m. 6 00:00:21,910 --> 00:00:25,278 And I need to bring my dog to work. Are you dog-friendly? 7 00:00:25,390 --> 00:00:27,074 Oh, yeah, you can bring your dog to work. 8 00:00:27,150 --> 00:00:29,994 That's not what I asked. Are you dog-friendly? 9 00:00:32,270 --> 00:00:33,271 Um... 10 00:00:33,350 --> 00:00:36,399 Nice pool. Can my dog go in? 11 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,757 Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly. 12 00:00:39,150 --> 00:00:40,595 Is there a lifeguard? 13 00:00:41,030 --> 00:00:42,077 Um... 14 00:00:42,150 --> 00:00:43,595 'Cause my dog can't swim. 15 00:00:43,670 --> 00:00:49,837 Now, it says here on your résumé that from 2010 to 2011, you "crushed it"? 16 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:50,917 That's actually an old résumé. 17 00:00:50,990 --> 00:00:55,234 It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present. 18 00:00:55,310 --> 00:00:58,871 So, are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012? 19 00:00:58,950 --> 00:01:02,750 There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. 20 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:07,233 So, I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, 21 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:10,439 at which point I resumed crushing it full-time. 22 00:01:10,990 --> 00:01:14,073 So, it says here that you're proficient in C++, 23 00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:18,041 code assembly for multiple processor architectures, 24 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:20,477 and that you are a cyborg? 25 00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:23,793 That is correct. Short for cybernetic organism. 26 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,237 I came into this world of filth and pain with a congenital heart condition, 27 00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:33,555 requiring the installation of a pacemaker, upon which I am mortally dependent. 28 00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:35,431 Mmm. 29 00:01:36,070 --> 00:01:38,960 Wow. He's technically a cyborg. 30 00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:42,034 Yeah, yeah. Makes the résumé accurate. 31 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:46,311 Look, we all know that I can make a shitload more money 32 00:01:46,390 --> 00:01:50,714 working for some multi-colored Happy Town in a hermetically-sealed box. 33 00:01:51,430 --> 00:01:53,000 But permission to be honest? 34 00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:54,911 Permission granted. 35 00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:00,231 Granted. 36 00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:03,315 I like that you guys are so weird. 37 00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:04,591 Hmm. 38 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:07,917 Yes, we are the weird ones. 39 00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:22,831 This morning, you put your soda cans in the green one. 40 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,833 Okay? That's not right. 41 00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:28,552 The green is for grass and leaves. 42 00:02:28,910 --> 00:02:30,275 Okay? 43 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,273 The blue one is for recycling. 44 00:02:33,710 --> 00:02:36,236 Go ahead and put those in there. 45 00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:37,550 Yeah. 46 00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:42,480 Very good. The black one is for all other trash. 47 00:02:43,510 --> 00:02:45,160 Do you understand? 48 00:02:45,230 --> 00:02:47,801 Yes. Which is for burning? 49 00:02:48,430 --> 00:02:52,958 No, we don't burn trash in this country. It's illegal. 50 00:02:53,150 --> 00:02:54,800 You never burn trash. 51 00:02:54,950 --> 00:02:58,318 Okay, can you say that? "I never burn trash." 52 00:02:58,390 --> 00:03:01,314 - I never burn trash. - Yes. 53 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:03,154 What about garbage? 54 00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:07,471 Motherfucker. 55 00:03:09,870 --> 00:03:11,793 Jared Patakian? 56 00:03:13,830 --> 00:03:18,392 You know, this Patakian guy is definitely on some end of some spectrum, 57 00:03:18,510 --> 00:03:20,956 but he is a full-stack engineer. 58 00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:22,839 I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think? 59 00:03:22,950 --> 00:03:25,954 Well, he's qualified and he definitely seemed interested. 60 00:03:26,030 --> 00:03:27,600 It's a programmer's market right now. 61 00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:30,514 I think if we like him, we should pursue him aggressively. 62 00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:34,914 My only concern here, and it's a small one, urn, he's also named Jared. 63 00:03:34,990 --> 00:03:37,231 Will it be confusing with two Jareds? 64 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,956 If we hire him, I can always go back to my real name, Donald. 65 00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:42,755 No, that's too big a hassle. We'll just go with Other Jared. 66 00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:44,116 OJ, for short. 67 00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:47,271 I know a name is just a sound somebody makes when they need you, 68 00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:50,797 but shouldn't this much-newer Jared be Other Jared? 69 00:03:50,870 --> 00:03:51,871 You should be flattered. 70 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:55,039 O.J. Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet. 71 00:03:56,590 --> 00:03:59,639 Was that Jared Patakian I saw exiting the house? 72 00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:02,520 Yes, we just interviewed him. We think he's great. 73 00:04:02,670 --> 00:04:05,958 He actually is great. I tried to hire him for Aviato. 74 00:04:06,030 --> 00:04:08,601 But then he took the offer, shopped it around town, 75 00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:10,274 and got more dough at a different gig. 76 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,079 I didn't care for the way that he handled it. 77 00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:16,678 So, I am going to have to err on the side of caution and say, "Pass-adena," 78 00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:17,911 Trina. 79 00:04:19,030 --> 00:04:24,719 Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you, but you don't get to Pass-adena on anyone. 80 00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:27,953 We've got to hire a lot of people, and he was the only one that we all agree on. 81 00:04:28,030 --> 00:04:31,159 But this is my house. I'm on the board of this company. 82 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,801 I mean, I must get dings, right? 83 00:04:33,870 --> 00:04:36,555 - Dings? - Like in a jury or Whose Line Is It Anyway? 84 00:04:36,630 --> 00:04:40,157 Erlich, thank you for letting us stay in your house 85 00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:42,961 while we figure out what we need office-wise. Really. 86 00:04:43,270 --> 00:04:45,557 But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this. 87 00:04:46,670 --> 00:04:48,911 We're going to hire the android. 88 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,074 He's a cyborg, Richard. 89 00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:54,074 The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg. 90 00:04:56,870 --> 00:05:00,556 Ladies and gentlemen of the press, distinguished guests. Question. 91 00:05:01,670 --> 00:05:03,354 What is a moonshot? 92 00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:09,359 A moonshot is an idea so big, so bold as to be impossible. 93 00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:10,636 Until it is not. 94 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,200 Magellan circumnavigating... 95 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,476 There you are. 96 00:05:13,550 --> 00:05:16,281 Oh, sorry, I got lost. But I think I'm supposed to be here... 97 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,351 Come on. 98 00:05:17,430 --> 00:05:22,436 Not so long ago, people called the idea of sending a man to the Moon a moonshot. 99 00:05:22,510 --> 00:05:25,639 But we did it, and that is just the beginning. 100 00:05:25,790 --> 00:05:31,115 No idea will be too big for our newest division, Hooli XYZ. 101 00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:36,078 How long do I have to stay here? 'Cause lunch... 102 00:05:36,150 --> 00:05:37,390 Shh... 103 00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:42,152 And today, I'm pleased to announce that after some negotiations and arm-twisting, 104 00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:45,200 the brilliant Professor Davis Bannerchek, 105 00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:48,393 a pioneer in robotics and founder of Somerville Dynamics, 106 00:05:48,470 --> 00:05:51,201 has agreed to head up this new division. 107 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:53,438 I give you Dr. Bannerchek, 108 00:05:53,510 --> 00:05:57,993 the one and only man fit to be the first head dreamer of Hooli XYZ. 109 00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:09,237 Also, I give you the one and only man fit to be his co-head dreamer, 110 00:06:09,310 --> 00:06:13,110 our very own Nelson Bighetti, otherwise known around here as Baghead. 111 00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:15,192 - Come on up here, Baghead. - What? 112 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,596 He also co-founded Pied Piper right here at Hooli. 113 00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:31,954 I'm not sure I understand. 114 00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:34,711 You are being promoted. 115 00:06:34,790 --> 00:06:39,956 Being named co-head dreamer carries with it a significant pay increase, 116 00:06:40,030 --> 00:06:42,840 greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule. 117 00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:45,954 See, but I really like the job I had. 118 00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,598 You know, I was perfectly happy there. 119 00:06:48,670 --> 00:06:54,677 It was kind of the perfect level of involvement for me, I think. 120 00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:59,798 And also, that other guy, Bannerchek, he did not really seem to like me very much. 121 00:06:59,950 --> 00:07:03,318 Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know 122 00:07:03,430 --> 00:07:08,960 that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country 123 00:07:09,030 --> 00:07:13,240 in order to run Hooli XYZ on his own. 124 00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:15,359 He was very clear about that. 125 00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:19,230 And he wanted me to convey that to you. 126 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:20,991 Have I done that? 127 00:07:22,030 --> 00:07:24,556 Yeah. So, what is my job exactly? 128 00:07:24,790 --> 00:07:29,318 Well, that's actually... That's up to you. You can do whatever you want. 129 00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:33,556 Okay. See, that's sort of what I do now, though. 130 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:38,995 But starting today, you can do it in a much more significant way. 131 00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:43,191 So, enjoy your new office. 132 00:07:44,910 --> 00:07:47,834 Wait, this is my office? 133 00:07:48,430 --> 00:07:50,512 Sorry to interrupt. The photographer's here. 134 00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:52,115 Photographer? 135 00:07:52,230 --> 00:07:55,074 From WIRED magazine, for the profile they're doing on you. 136 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:57,270 Sorry, who are you? 137 00:07:57,910 --> 00:07:59,480 Your assistant. 138 00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:03,755 What? 139 00:08:05,190 --> 00:08:07,955 Okay, Richard, last interview of the day. 140 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,874 Dinesh, Gilfoyle, this is someone you guys recommended I contact, 141 00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:11,917 Carla Walton? 142 00:08:11,990 --> 00:08:14,914 Yeah, we hung out with her a bunch at the last SF vid/tech meet-up. 143 00:08:14,990 --> 00:08:16,640 Her code is fucking great. 144 00:08:16,710 --> 00:08:19,281 She was head of engineering at EarCast? 145 00:08:19,350 --> 00:08:23,275 She was engineering at EarCast. She built that whole system on her own. 146 00:08:23,350 --> 00:08:24,681 You know what else excites me here? 147 00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:28,675 There's a distinct over-representation of men in this company. Look around. 148 00:08:28,950 --> 00:08:32,557 I think it would behoove us to prioritize hiring a woman. 149 00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:33,597 I disagree, OJ. 150 00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:36,674 We should hire the best person for the job, period. 151 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,990 And Carla is one of the best. 152 00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:39,481 Right, let me rephrase. 153 00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:41,871 I think having a woman in the company is important, 154 00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:44,635 but hiring someone only because they're a woman is bad. 155 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:47,156 I would never compromise Pied Piper. 156 00:08:47,230 --> 00:08:48,755 Okay, just to be clear, 157 00:08:48,870 --> 00:08:52,352 our top priority is to hire the most qualified person available, right? 158 00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:53,636 Of course. 159 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:56,833 But it would be better if that someone was a woman 160 00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:59,959 even though the "woman" part of that statement is irrelevant? 161 00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:04,115 Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko. 162 00:09:04,190 --> 00:09:06,955 That's the worst example you could have used. 163 00:09:07,270 --> 00:09:12,436 I'm using VP9 ABR to reduce bits and using WebRTC to carry the bulk of the load via P2P. 164 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:15,753 So, basically, I pay for one tiny-ass outgoing stream 165 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,514 and the user's ISP picks up the whole tab. 166 00:09:18,870 --> 00:09:22,272 The users pay for all that bandwidth, not you? Wow. 167 00:09:22,710 --> 00:09:24,121 That could save us a ton of money. 168 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:25,715 Yeah, a shit ton. 169 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:30,557 And do you think you could integrate it into our platform by January in time for CES? 170 00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:31,961 Look, I'm not going to get in your way. 171 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,681 You know, you design the engine. I just assemble the car. 172 00:09:34,830 --> 00:09:37,754 I could have an alpha of that up in a solid weekend of hacking. 173 00:09:37,830 --> 00:09:39,594 Wow. Cool. 174 00:09:39,710 --> 00:09:41,678 Plus, I could count on one hand the number of people on Earth 175 00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:45,152 who could handle sitting in a room with Dinesh and Gilfoyle all day. So... 176 00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:46,431 All of that. 177 00:09:46,550 --> 00:09:47,961 Plus, you're a woman. 178 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:49,751 What? 179 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,151 No, I just mean we would absolutely love to have a strong woman working here. 180 00:09:54,310 --> 00:09:58,110 I'm not a woman "engineer." I'm an engineer. 181 00:09:58,310 --> 00:10:00,438 - Don't, don't, don't. - Okay, no, no. 182 00:10:00,510 --> 00:10:02,239 Oh, no, yes, of course. 183 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:05,393 We want to hire the best people who happen to be women, 184 00:10:05,470 --> 00:10:07,154 regardless of whether or not they are women. 185 00:10:07,230 --> 00:10:08,800 That part is irrelevant. 186 00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:09,951 Are you doing that interviewing thing 187 00:10:10,030 --> 00:10:12,237 where you try to rattle somebody to see if they freak out or not? 188 00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:15,839 Uh, sadly no. This is... That's just Jared. 189 00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:17,639 I wouldn't know how to do that. 190 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,639 Well, I am aggressively unemployed right now. 191 00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:22,435 So, why don't you give me a call when you know what you want to do? 192 00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:23,477 - Great. - All right. 193 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,672 Great. All right, I'll show you out. 194 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,957 Oh, lucky me. 195 00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:30,038 I loved The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. 196 00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:34,591 So? 197 00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:37,996 So, she's actually bad-ass. 198 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,276 Yeah, we told you, right? 199 00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:40,671 We have to hire that person. 200 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:42,275 Are you shitting me? 201 00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,439 You see this, Richard? What is this? 202 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,271 A Spoon? 203 00:10:47,350 --> 00:10:51,958 It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. 204 00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:56,840 I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying 205 00:10:56,910 --> 00:11:01,791 that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating for Fage yogurt by me. 206 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,917 Look at this. 207 00:11:04,150 --> 00:11:05,436 The angle's all wrong. 208 00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:07,831 Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up 209 00:11:07,910 --> 00:11:09,275 and dump the jam into the yogurt? 210 00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:12,161 How would you know that? Have you been eating my FAGE yogurts? 211 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:13,880 No, I saw it on the billboards. 212 00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:16,396 Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards 213 00:11:16,470 --> 00:11:18,199 is that you can't get all of it out. 214 00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:20,677 Look at that! You have to dig it out. 215 00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:25,472 But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons. 216 00:11:25,630 --> 00:11:27,951 This isn't about the spoons, is it, Erlich? 217 00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:29,913 This is about Jared Patakian. 218 00:11:30,030 --> 00:11:33,796 This is about me not letting you tell me who I can or can't hire. 219 00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:37,756 Or maybe it's about the fact that you're the one who's been using my narrow spoons? 220 00:11:37,870 --> 00:11:38,917 Okay. 221 00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,919 You and I both have to get ready for a board meeting. 222 00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:42,640 Can we just stop with the nonsense? 223 00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:43,751 - Nonsense? - Yeah. 224 00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:45,832 - This is nonsense? - Yeah. 225 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,918 You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused 226 00:11:48,990 --> 00:11:51,072 because one quarter of the jam can't come out. 227 00:11:52,830 --> 00:11:55,481 Thank you for hosting. You have a lovely home. 228 00:11:55,550 --> 00:11:56,551 Yeah, I do. 229 00:11:57,510 --> 00:11:59,353 I like this painting. 230 00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:00,477 Is it sperm? 231 00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:02,314 No, three commas. 232 00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:03,994 Know what has three commas in it, Richard? 233 00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:06,755 Uh... A sentence with two appositive phrases in it? 234 00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:09,441 No, a billion dollars. 235 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:11,761 Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. 236 00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:14,595 You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. 237 00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:17,879 But probably not. But you could be. But probably not. 238 00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:18,951 There she is. 239 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:22,000 Say hello to tonight's fifth board member, my girlfriend Nastia. 240 00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:23,071 Charmed. 241 00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:24,390 - Hello. - Hi. 242 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,071 Hello. 243 00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:27,711 Ah! 244 00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:29,711 You are Jew. 245 00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,394 Episcopalian, actually. 246 00:12:31,470 --> 00:12:33,552 Jew, good at business. 247 00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:35,473 My baby's got some ideas about Jews, 248 00:12:35,830 --> 00:12:38,879 some good, some bad. 249 00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:40,715 - Cool, cool. - Dad? 250 00:12:41,550 --> 00:12:43,552 Oh! Hey there, buddy. 251 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,631 Hello. 252 00:12:44,710 --> 00:12:46,792 Who's this? Another board member? 253 00:12:46,870 --> 00:12:49,874 Aspen, it's time for bed. 254 00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:51,595 I don't want to go to bed. 255 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,481 I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me. 256 00:12:54,550 --> 00:12:57,554 I need you to cooperate, Aspen. 257 00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:02,634 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five... 258 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:04,041 Fine. 259 00:13:04,110 --> 00:13:06,431 four, three... Good boy, Aspen. 260 00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:08,035 What the hell is that? 261 00:13:08,110 --> 00:13:09,794 Company I'm funding. We call it The Lady. 262 00:13:09,870 --> 00:13:13,352 I press a button, and The Lady tells Aspen when it's time for bed, time to take a bath, 263 00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:14,841 when his fucking mother's here to pick him up. 264 00:13:14,910 --> 00:13:17,561 I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy. 265 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,839 I've disrupted fatherhood. It's visionary technology. 266 00:13:21,950 --> 00:13:23,475 Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches. 267 00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:26,520 Aspen, remember to take your medication. 268 00:13:26,590 --> 00:13:30,754 Hey. Just remember, Russ only has two board seats. 269 00:13:30,830 --> 00:13:33,276 So, as long as we vote together, we can carry every vote. 270 00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:37,431 Yeah, I'm familiar with the rules of a board meeting. 271 00:13:38,510 --> 00:13:39,591 Okay. 272 00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:45,754 Okay, so, 409A valuation report and new ESOPs. 273 00:13:45,830 --> 00:13:48,037 Is there a motion to approve? 274 00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:54,914 Great, it's unanimous. Approved. 275 00:13:55,030 --> 00:14:00,275 Now we need to clear the equity packages we're offering to a couple prospective hires, 276 00:14:01,150 --> 00:14:03,881 Carla Walton and Jared Patakian. 277 00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:05,635 Fucking cyborg. 278 00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:09,032 Oh, um, Patakian is actually a solid engineer. 279 00:14:09,110 --> 00:14:11,636 We'd be foolish not to hire him. 280 00:14:11,710 --> 00:14:15,556 He's really good. So, all in favor? 281 00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,641 Sounds like a good pick-up. 282 00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:22,358 Okay, four-to-one approved. 283 00:14:23,870 --> 00:14:27,920 All right, is there anything else we need to cover? 284 00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:32,757 Yeah, I think we need to talk about getting some schwag. 285 00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:35,037 What? 286 00:14:35,230 --> 00:14:37,631 - Schwag! 287 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,155 Schwag! 288 00:14:40,430 --> 00:14:42,398 - What is it? - Schwag. 289 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,955 - Swag? - Schwag! 290 00:14:44,030 --> 00:14:45,031 What is it? 291 00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:46,111 Schwag. 292 00:14:46,990 --> 00:14:48,196 I actually don't know... 293 00:14:48,310 --> 00:14:51,075 I think we need to build on the success of our outdoor media campaign. 294 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:54,273 I'm talking Pied Piper mouse pads, puzzle cubes, fuckin' antenna balls. 295 00:14:54,350 --> 00:14:59,038 Come on, I'm talking 30 grand. That's like a hand of blackjack. All in favor? 296 00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,559 I mean, first billboards, now this? 297 00:15:04,630 --> 00:15:08,271 I... As it is, we're barely going to make it to January. 298 00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:09,511 Sorry. 299 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:15,911 What? 300 00:15:15,990 --> 00:15:19,551 I think it's a really solid idea. I think we'd be foolish not to do it. 301 00:15:21,710 --> 00:15:24,077 Cool. So, three-to-two in favor. Schwag! 302 00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:27,040 I'll set you guys up with my marketing company. We'll give you a killer rate. 303 00:15:27,110 --> 00:15:29,431 Question, who likes margaritas? 304 00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:31,399 Answer, everybody! 305 00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:33,472 Babe, go out back, grab some limes from the tree, all right? 306 00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:36,672 Who likes schwag? This guy, this guy. 307 00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:38,878 We gonna get our schwag on! 308 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:44,554 What the fuck are you doing? You just cost us $30,000. 309 00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:47,315 I thought we agreed to present a unified front here. 310 00:15:47,390 --> 00:15:49,836 Well, if Richard wants a unified front, 311 00:15:49,910 --> 00:15:53,153 then maybe Richard should do a better job at unifying it. 312 00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:54,675 Why are you such a dick? 313 00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:57,799 Why are you unable to listen to people who know what they're talking about? 314 00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:00,874 Speaking of Mexico, I'm supposed to go to Cabo tomorrow, 315 00:16:00,950 --> 00:16:02,600 but I got roped into buying these two tickets 316 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:05,674 to the Muir Woods preservation thing tomorrow night. 317 00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:08,515 Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event. 318 00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,673 Gonna be a lot of members of the three-comma club there. Am I right? 319 00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:14,230 Total asshole parade. Anyone want these stupid things? 320 00:16:14,310 --> 00:16:16,199 Yeah, I'm down. 321 00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:20,800 Uh, and, Richard, no, you can't come. 322 00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:22,235 - But, Monica... - No. 323 00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:23,311 Okay. 324 00:16:23,390 --> 00:16:26,394 Hey, babe. Babe, I said limes. Limes. 325 00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:30,241 She's honestly so fucking stupid. 326 00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:35,156 Yeah. 327 00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:37,119 She doesn't even know what I'm saying right now. 328 00:16:39,110 --> 00:16:43,798 And until we get real office space, I guess we could just put you right here. 329 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,679 And we could put Patakian here. 330 00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,957 I hope you don't mind sitting next to a cyborg. 331 00:16:48,030 --> 00:16:49,794 Does he fart a lot and smell like onions? 332 00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:51,156 Well, he is a coder. 333 00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:54,916 Well, I'd say I'm not getting paid enough to deal with this crap, but I so am, so... 334 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,960 You know, if it's cool, I'm going to get some stuff out of my car to dump here. 335 00:17:00,030 --> 00:17:03,398 I know I don't start till Monday, but I want to get it cleaned out before I trade it in. 336 00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:04,551 You're getting a new car? 337 00:17:04,630 --> 00:17:07,201 Yeah, yeah. Mercedes HYBRID. 338 00:17:08,310 --> 00:17:10,392 - It's pretty dope. - That sounds expensive. 339 00:17:10,470 --> 00:17:11,756 - Guys? - It is. 340 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:14,476 Richard has something very important to tell you. 341 00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,161 Yes. 342 00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,875 So, Jared has informed me that as CEO, 343 00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:21,873 I need to be able to answer any questions that you might have 344 00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:25,671 about Pied Piper's harassment policy and workplace code of conduct. 345 00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:28,913 Apparently, every company our size has to have one of those. 346 00:17:28,990 --> 00:17:32,437 So, essentially, if you find the workplace hostile in any way, 347 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:35,434 you can submit a written complaint. It will be completely anonymous. 348 00:17:35,510 --> 00:17:38,673 Essentially, don't do or say anything that might offend anyone. 349 00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:40,912 Okay? Thank you. That's the policy. 350 00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:42,833 - Okay. - Guys, um, 351 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,719 this is actually pretty serious. 352 00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:48,600 I mean, we're all cool here, but we know each other. 353 00:17:48,670 --> 00:17:52,356 So, obviously, when Dinesh calls me Retarded Frankenstein, 354 00:17:52,430 --> 00:17:54,592 or he describes me as AIDS Lady, 355 00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:57,594 or Gilfoyle refers to me as effeminate k.d. Lang, 356 00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,951 I know this is a joke among friends. 357 00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:01,794 - It's not a joke. - We're not friends. 358 00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:03,872 See, it's hilarious. 359 00:18:04,190 --> 00:18:06,955 But, um, as we grow, 360 00:18:07,030 --> 00:18:10,273 we're going to be adding a lot of new people to this company and to this office, 361 00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:14,480 and some of them might not be as amused as I am by such strong language. 362 00:18:14,550 --> 00:18:17,121 Lawsuits happen. So, questions? 363 00:18:17,710 --> 00:18:19,712 - Oh, uh, I have a question. - Mmm-hmm. 364 00:18:19,790 --> 00:18:21,792 My best friend's nickname is Cunty. 365 00:18:21,870 --> 00:18:24,157 - I'm sorry, her name is... - Cunty. 366 00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,392 And I was hoping I could call her Cunty while I'm here. 367 00:18:26,470 --> 00:18:28,472 Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot. 368 00:18:28,550 --> 00:18:30,951 'Cause, you know, I want to have Cunty come visit me for lunch, 369 00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:32,998 and if I can't call Cunty "Cunty," 370 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:36,119 then it's like, I'm not going to want to have Cunty over at all, 371 00:18:36,630 --> 00:18:38,951 which I feel, like, kind of violates my rights. 372 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,998 Yeah. Um, it does not... 373 00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:42,071 As a woman. 374 00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:48,153 Okay, I'm going to have to get back to you on that one. 375 00:18:48,230 --> 00:18:49,675 Her best friend's nickname is Cunty. 376 00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:51,115 - Okay. - Let's maybe get back to the kitchen 377 00:18:51,190 --> 00:18:53,511 - so we can... - Okay, okay, okay. 378 00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:58,153 All right, I'm going to go clean out my shit box. 379 00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:00,117 Nice bag. 380 00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:01,311 Thank you. 381 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:05,791 Oh, look, D&G. It's like Dinesh & Gilfoyle. So, yeah. 382 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:13,356 Okay, that was the third reference she's made to how much money she's making. 383 00:19:16,670 --> 00:19:18,354 That's a $3,500 bag. 384 00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:21,001 How do you know? You have the same one? 385 00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:23,471 No, I have the fucking Internet. 386 00:19:23,550 --> 00:19:25,757 Hey, you don't think she's making more money than us, do you? 387 00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:28,231 No, we all have equalized pay, remember? 388 00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:32,201 Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do, but not new hires. 389 00:19:32,270 --> 00:19:35,160 It's the classic dilemma where the founders make less. 390 00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:37,756 We told Richard to get her no matter what it took. 391 00:19:37,830 --> 00:19:40,561 Even if she is making more cash than us, which she isn't, 392 00:19:40,630 --> 00:19:42,394 there's no way she has as much equity. 393 00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:45,155 You don't know that. And Richard won't tell us. It's confidential. 394 00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:46,470 I guess there's a reason for it. 395 00:19:46,550 --> 00:19:48,632 It's so people don't get jealous and throw a hissy fit. 396 00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:52,681 I'm not jealous. I just want to make sure she's making less than me. 397 00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,912 Hey, how do we find out how much she's getting paid here? 398 00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:56,436 I have a plan. 399 00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:03,077 Hey, Carla, how much money do you make here? 400 00:20:04,790 --> 00:20:07,157 Uh, Let's just say it's a big jump from my old job. 401 00:20:07,310 --> 00:20:10,871 Right, but you probably got more equity there. 402 00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:13,593 Um, no, actually I get more equity here. 403 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:14,717 What? 404 00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:16,713 Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting? 405 00:20:16,790 --> 00:20:18,235 Three points each. 406 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:22,355 Three? That's weird. I thought you got in at the beginning. 407 00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:29,279 I have another plan. 408 00:20:30,150 --> 00:20:32,278 All right, Jian Yang, don't talk to anybody else. 409 00:20:32,350 --> 00:20:33,875 When we get inside, don't talk to me. 410 00:20:34,550 --> 00:20:36,473 - Good evening. - Here's the... 411 00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:39,754 - Thank you. - Thank you. 412 00:20:44,190 --> 00:20:45,430 And how will you be paying, sir? 413 00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:47,635 - Excuse me? - Your donation. 414 00:20:47,710 --> 00:20:49,041 What's your preferred method of payment? 415 00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:50,311 Oh... 416 00:20:50,390 --> 00:20:53,155 No, these are already paid for. We're guests of Russ Hanneman. 417 00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:56,877 Uh, yes, he reserved the tickets, but you have to pay for them. 418 00:20:57,270 --> 00:20:58,840 Oh. Uh... 419 00:20:58,910 --> 00:21:00,116 Okay. And how much are they? 420 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:01,351 $25,000. 421 00:21:01,430 --> 00:21:03,273 Um... So... But for both? 422 00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:04,476 No, no, no, per ticket. 423 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:08,760 There's no possible way that we could pay that, so what do we do here? 424 00:21:08,830 --> 00:21:11,754 Well, there are a number of other ways to help preserve the Muir Woods. 425 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:13,753 We do a volunteer clean-up program every weekend. 426 00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:15,400 Yeah, I don't give a shit about the Muir Woods. 427 00:21:15,470 --> 00:21:17,313 I need to get in there. 428 00:21:17,390 --> 00:21:20,439 Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets, I really don't see how that's possible. 429 00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,990 What if we do, like, a little in-and-out thing? 430 00:21:23,070 --> 00:21:27,712 I just go in there, 10 minutes, you know, have one cocktail, two, three max. 431 00:21:27,790 --> 00:21:29,838 - He doesn't eat. He won't eat. - Yes, I'm hungry. 432 00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:32,436 Gentlemen, I'm going to need you to move aside for the other guests. 433 00:21:32,550 --> 00:21:34,917 You want me to email Russ Hanneman right now? 434 00:21:34,990 --> 00:21:36,640 You don't have Russ's email. 435 00:21:36,710 --> 00:21:42,513 But I have his... I have the phone number of the person who works in his office. 436 00:21:43,190 --> 00:21:46,319 Does anybody have an extra ticket? My investor cannot pay. 437 00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:50,361 That's actually not true. Uh... I think they must have misplaced the tickets. 438 00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,194 No, we have everyone's tickets here. 439 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:55,638 Can you please check? Erlich Bachman? 440 00:21:55,710 --> 00:21:58,190 E-R-I-C-H... 441 00:21:58,270 --> 00:21:59,681 That's not at all how it's spelled here. 442 00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:01,036 All right. Let's go, Jian. 443 00:22:01,110 --> 00:22:02,316 Have a nice night. Thank you. 444 00:22:02,390 --> 00:22:03,880 - Let's go. Come on. Come on. - Next. 445 00:22:03,950 --> 00:22:05,156 - Excuse me... - Come on. Let's go. 446 00:22:05,230 --> 00:22:07,881 - ... do you have a ticket? - God damn it! Jian Yang, come here! 447 00:22:08,390 --> 00:22:09,437 Do you have a ticket? 448 00:22:16,270 --> 00:22:18,511 Hey, Jian Yang. How was last night? 449 00:22:18,870 --> 00:22:20,599 It was sad. 450 00:22:20,830 --> 00:22:23,640 Erlich, he promised me dinner with a big meet. 451 00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:24,871 Big meat? 452 00:22:24,950 --> 00:22:27,271 - Big meet people. - Meat people? 453 00:22:27,710 --> 00:22:30,953 Then people say, "No, you can't come in." 454 00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:32,801 Wait, so you guys didn't get in? 455 00:22:32,950 --> 00:22:35,237 We went to Taco Bell. 456 00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:38,519 Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell. 457 00:22:40,190 --> 00:22:42,557 He tried to blame the taco sauce. 458 00:22:44,390 --> 00:22:46,392 - Richard? - Yes. 459 00:22:46,470 --> 00:22:48,916 - OJ says you wanted to see me? - Yeah. 460 00:22:49,070 --> 00:22:50,310 Um... 461 00:22:50,390 --> 00:22:53,758 I don't want to say this, any of this, at all, 462 00:22:54,630 --> 00:22:58,601 but several employees have lodged a complaint against you. 463 00:22:58,670 --> 00:22:59,796 For what? 464 00:22:59,990 --> 00:23:01,435 Um... 465 00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:03,274 For making this a hostile workplace. 466 00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:06,314 By, quote, "Repeatedly rubbing our fucking faces 467 00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:09,917 "in the fact that Richard Hendricks is a pussy who gave a new hire more than us." 468 00:23:09,990 --> 00:23:10,991 Mmm-hmm. 469 00:23:11,910 --> 00:23:13,275 Interesting. 470 00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:16,115 And which two of the several lodged a complaint? 471 00:23:16,190 --> 00:23:19,672 Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity, so I can't tell you that. 472 00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:22,634 Look, you and I both know how much you make. 473 00:23:22,710 --> 00:23:25,600 - Are you fucking with them? - Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them. 474 00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:28,241 I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana bag at a swap meet to piss them off 475 00:23:28,310 --> 00:23:29,311 and apparently it did. 476 00:23:29,870 --> 00:23:31,554 And I lied and said I was getting a Mercedes. 477 00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:35,476 I also left a fake credit-card statement open on my screen, because I thought they'd see it. 478 00:23:35,550 --> 00:23:36,597 - Did they see it? - They saw it. 479 00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:37,831 - Yeah, sweet. - Okay. 480 00:23:37,910 --> 00:23:40,117 - Carla. - Okay, all right. 481 00:23:40,190 --> 00:23:43,512 But what I used to do to fuck with them involved gay porn and Photoshop, 482 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:48,118 so I don't think that would be cool after OJ's big harassment speech. 483 00:23:48,670 --> 00:23:51,241 Oh. So, in effect, the policy worked. 484 00:23:51,310 --> 00:23:54,439 Well, I... Can we not do any of it? 485 00:23:54,510 --> 00:23:57,753 It just that they're getting really pissed and it's really distracting. 486 00:23:58,310 --> 00:23:59,641 All right. 487 00:24:00,150 --> 00:24:03,313 - No more Cunty. - Terrific. 488 00:24:03,390 --> 00:24:04,994 - That's really good. - Cunty's done. 489 00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:08,756 Great. But you said it again, but maybe that's the last time. 490 00:24:09,950 --> 00:24:11,839 Cunty's done. I'm gonna call you OJ, though. 491 00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:13,036 - Yeah, that's fine. - That's for good. 492 00:24:13,110 --> 00:24:14,555 Yeah, yeah, because in my head, 493 00:24:14,670 --> 00:24:18,152 I change the meaning from "Other Jared" to "Original Jared," so now it's a compliment. 494 00:24:18,470 --> 00:24:23,351 If I have to, I'm going to keep my fucking Star Blazer VHS tapes in my room! 495 00:24:23,470 --> 00:24:26,838 It doesn't take an IQ-9 to know they should remain alphabetized. 496 00:24:26,910 --> 00:24:31,632 I want to watch a specific episode. And it's not like they're on fucking DVD! 497 00:24:46,590 --> 00:24:51,517 Hey, um, Erlich, I just want to say this is your house 498 00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:54,196 and you've been really cool letting us stay here for all this time, 499 00:24:54,270 --> 00:24:56,955 and as soon as we get our office space, we'll be out of your way. 500 00:24:57,950 --> 00:25:00,157 And how soon is that going to be? 501 00:25:00,830 --> 00:25:01,956 Soon. 502 00:25:02,230 --> 00:25:05,871 And look, I realize it's not fair that I bring someone into your house 503 00:25:05,950 --> 00:25:07,156 that you don't want here, 504 00:25:08,230 --> 00:25:11,552 so I will call the cyborg and I will rescind the offer. 505 00:25:11,630 --> 00:25:15,999 You know, Richard, I've been thinking, the cyborg is a solid coder. 506 00:25:16,070 --> 00:25:17,276 You should hire him. 507 00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:19,034 It's fine, I'll get someone else. 508 00:25:19,150 --> 00:25:20,481 Don't be stupid, Richard. 509 00:25:20,550 --> 00:25:23,759 You need a full working beta up in the next few months. Just hire the guy. 510 00:25:23,830 --> 00:25:27,152 I'm not being stupid, okay? I'm not going to hire him. 511 00:25:27,230 --> 00:25:29,915 And frankly, I'm not going to let you bully me into doing it. 512 00:25:29,990 --> 00:25:32,231 Would you look at yourself? You're still not fucking listening to me. 513 00:25:32,310 --> 00:25:34,233 No, I'm trying to respect you, asshole. 514 00:25:34,310 --> 00:25:36,756 If you want to respect me, then just hire the piece of shit. 515 00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:37,831 Don't act like a moron. 516 00:25:37,910 --> 00:25:41,119 You're not going to kick Nucleus's ass acting like a fucking moron. 517 00:25:41,190 --> 00:25:43,670 You don't get to tell me how I respect you, okay? 518 00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:46,594 I can respect you however the fuck I want. 519 00:25:49,190 --> 00:25:50,237 What are you doing? 520 00:25:50,310 --> 00:25:52,039 I'm respecting you. 521 00:25:56,910 --> 00:26:00,153 Jared, hey, it's, uh, Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper. 522 00:26:01,190 --> 00:26:04,080 Yeah, bad news. We're not gonna... 523 00:26:06,030 --> 00:26:07,111 What? 524 00:26:08,510 --> 00:26:09,955 What's that? 525 00:26:11,590 --> 00:26:12,751 Where? 526 00:26:15,670 --> 00:26:16,910 Okay. 527 00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:21,632 Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fuckin'... 528 00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:24,475 - Metal-dick piece of shit. - Metal-dick piece of shit. 529 00:26:26,550 --> 00:26:27,551 Ha-ha-ha. 530 00:26:27,630 --> 00:26:28,631 What happened? 531 00:26:29,350 --> 00:26:31,273 He took another job 532 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:34,314 from Russ fucking Hanneman. 533 00:26:34,550 --> 00:26:35,915 - What? - Yeah. 534 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:39,437 Apparently, I said so much nice shit about him in the board meeting, 535 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:43,401 Russ offered him a job at one of his other fucking companies for a lot more money. 536 00:26:43,470 --> 00:26:45,518 Our own investor poached him. 537 00:26:45,750 --> 00:26:49,072 And he went? Fucking cyborg. 538 00:26:49,830 --> 00:26:52,071 Richard! You need to come see this. 539 00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:05,358 What event could this possibly be used at? 540 00:27:08,070 --> 00:27:09,595 Are you happy? 541 00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:11,516 Not really. 542 00:27:11,590 --> 00:27:13,513 They used the old logo. 543 00:27:14,750 --> 00:27:17,117 Do you smell something burning? 544 00:27:17,190 --> 00:27:18,919 God damn it! Jian Yang!