1 00:00:04,190 --> 00:00:05,965 Why isn't this book about tech? 2 00:00:05,966 --> 00:00:09,636 I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds. 3 00:00:09,637 --> 00:00:11,764 And I, I wanted to create... 4 00:00:12,501 --> 00:00:14,474 May I have a token for the restroom, please? 5 00:00:15,590 --> 00:00:17,049 So, you guys are planning to build 6 00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:19,390 your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test? 7 00:00:19,396 --> 00:00:21,519 Why not just give away Hooli phones for the test? 8 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,629 I don't wanna use Hooli shit any more than you guys, 9 00:00:23,630 --> 00:00:25,150 but this will get us to Hawaii. 10 00:00:25,152 --> 00:00:27,946 MSNBC wanted to interview you about being 11 00:00:27,947 --> 00:00:30,031 an "anti-tech evangelist." 12 00:00:30,032 --> 00:00:31,992 What did Publishers Weekly say about my book? 13 00:00:31,993 --> 00:00:33,929 Publishers Weekly is a... 14 00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,328 terrible magazine, sir. 15 00:00:35,329 --> 00:00:36,489 Call Maddow. 16 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,650 It's from Gwart. 17 00:00:38,666 --> 00:00:41,959 "I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere." 18 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,795 I'm free to return to work with Richard. 19 00:00:43,796 --> 00:00:45,749 Your position's been filled. 20 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:48,030 No, it hasn't. 21 00:01:42,938 --> 00:01:44,355 Fuck yeah, right? 22 00:01:44,356 --> 00:01:46,200 You see the chick in the racism car? 23 00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:48,234 I banged her in the famine truck. 24 00:01:48,235 --> 00:01:49,944 I-I'm sorry. What is this? 25 00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,709 It's the trailer for my festival, RussFest. 26 00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:55,909 Three days of partying, sucking, and fucking on a plot of land 27 00:01:55,910 --> 00:01:57,869 so far out even Nevada barely wants it. 28 00:01:57,870 --> 00:02:00,989 I'll be serving Tres Commas exclusively. 29 00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,149 It's gonna be like Burning Man, except I'll make a fuckton of money. 30 00:02:03,150 --> 00:02:04,793 So, Earning Man? 31 00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:09,909 I literally love you, you spooky fuck. So, we in? 32 00:02:09,910 --> 00:02:11,369 - In what? - RussFest. 33 00:02:11,370 --> 00:02:13,329 There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard. 34 00:02:13,330 --> 00:02:14,379 Maybe that's why no one lives out there. 35 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:15,629 I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist. 36 00:02:15,630 --> 00:02:16,889 All I know is they're telling me it's gonna cost 37 00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:19,529 a fucking fortune to get the infrastructure out there. 38 00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,768 Unless you guys do it for free. 39 00:02:21,769 --> 00:02:23,929 - Why would we do it for free? - Because it's cool. 40 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:25,680 - It's good for your brand. - Well, Russ, 41 00:02:25,689 --> 00:02:28,191 we appreciate the interest... 42 00:02:28,192 --> 00:02:29,442 I like where this is going. 43 00:02:29,443 --> 00:02:30,959 - But... - Fuck! 44 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,209 Uh, right now, we are trying to launch 45 00:02:34,210 --> 00:02:36,509 a huge pilot program in Hawaii. 46 00:02:36,510 --> 00:02:37,829 Dinesh is actually heading out there 47 00:02:37,830 --> 00:02:40,709 first thing tomorrow morning, and I am about to sit down 48 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:43,569 with the network operations president of AT&T, 49 00:02:43,570 --> 00:02:45,950 trying to close this massive deal, 50 00:02:45,959 --> 00:02:49,379 but that all depends on getting Hawaii right. 51 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:50,689 There's just no way we could do both. 52 00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:52,840 And you would rather do Hawaii than RussFest? 53 00:02:52,841 --> 00:02:54,410 I would rather 54 00:02:54,418 --> 00:02:57,888 do my own mother than RussFest. 55 00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,629 How come whenever you guys wanna do some shit, 56 00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:02,720 I'm always like, "fuck yeah!" 57 00:03:02,726 --> 00:03:04,268 But whenever I wanna do some cool shit, 58 00:03:04,269 --> 00:03:06,969 you guys piss all over it! You know what? Gimme this. 59 00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:10,400 Have fun shoving pineapples up each other's dick holes! 60 00:03:10,401 --> 00:03:13,000 And pussy holes. 61 00:03:13,002 --> 00:03:14,609 You creepy fuck. 62 00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:24,609 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 63 00:03:24,610 --> 00:03:26,830 What have I been telling you, Lawrence? 64 00:03:26,835 --> 00:03:29,150 Impressive. Very impressive. 65 00:03:29,690 --> 00:03:30,749 Looking forward 66 00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:32,338 - to talking a lot more. - Yeah. 67 00:03:32,339 --> 00:03:34,109 Yeah, definitely. 68 00:03:36,668 --> 00:03:38,810 - Richard! - Whoo! 69 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,800 - Sorry. Um, how did it go? - Cool. 70 00:03:41,807 --> 00:03:44,929 Well, I wanna keep it on the down-low, but, uh... 71 00:03:44,930 --> 00:03:46,520 Fuck. 72 00:03:49,070 --> 00:03:51,480 Is that joy? 73 00:03:51,483 --> 00:03:53,152 It could not have gone better. 74 00:03:54,002 --> 00:03:56,449 When they found out how much money they could save 75 00:03:56,450 --> 00:03:59,269 by using us to help simplify their 5G rollout, 76 00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:01,580 they practically shit themselves. 77 00:04:01,585 --> 00:04:04,830 This could be bigger than we thought. 78 00:04:04,835 --> 00:04:08,349 Monica, we could be on 100 million phones. 79 00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:10,289 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 80 00:04:10,290 --> 00:04:12,309 Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 81 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:14,049 - Yeah. - You know, focus on Hawaii, 82 00:04:14,050 --> 00:04:15,380 - make sure we land the plane. - Yeah. 83 00:04:15,382 --> 00:04:17,549 It's weird. I actually don't know what to do 84 00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:20,480 when things are going well. It is not natural. 85 00:04:23,974 --> 00:04:25,660 - Yeah. - Okay. 86 00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:27,185 Ha, ha, ha! 87 00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:28,709 What's the newest killer app 88 00:04:28,710 --> 00:04:30,140 coming out of Silicon Valley? 89 00:04:30,147 --> 00:04:32,450 Would you believe ethics? 90 00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:34,410 It's all thanks to our first guest, 91 00:04:34,418 --> 00:04:36,694 a former big-tech CEO 92 00:04:36,695 --> 00:04:38,654 turned responsible tech evangelist... 93 00:04:38,655 --> 00:04:40,589 You know what? Not even this turd 94 00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:42,250 is gonna bring me down right now. 95 00:04:42,251 --> 00:04:45,389 caution and accountability. Thanks for being here. 96 00:04:45,390 --> 00:04:47,450 Well, I always find time for you, Gabby. 97 00:04:47,459 --> 00:04:49,709 Please. No one is buying your bullshit, Gavin. 98 00:04:49,710 --> 00:04:51,659 My message invigorates me. 99 00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:54,429 For too long, these large tech companies 100 00:04:54,430 --> 00:04:57,609 have harvested our data, they have violated our privacy, 101 00:04:57,610 --> 00:04:59,217 they have tracked our every move. 102 00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:02,660 They is you, you hypocrite. You did that. He did that! 103 00:05:02,668 --> 00:05:05,149 Starting today, I will be asking 104 00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:06,709 prominent members of the tech community 105 00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,559 to sign their name onto this. 106 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,569 A code of conduct, authored by me, 107 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,969 that pledges them to a universal ethos, 108 00:05:13,970 --> 00:05:17,169 which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," 109 00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:19,020 or, "tethics" for short. 110 00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:21,197 - Oof. - Tethics. Clever. 111 00:05:21,198 --> 00:05:22,573 No. No, it isn't. 112 00:05:22,574 --> 00:05:24,509 Fuck that guy. Honestly, fuck that guy. 113 00:05:24,510 --> 00:05:25,610 Richard, I have your tea. 114 00:05:25,619 --> 00:05:28,589 No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's 115 00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:31,249 - hypocritical garbage. - Well, I'm sold. 116 00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:32,709 Can I sign? 117 00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,419 Well, you have to lead a corporation. 118 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:37,229 Okay. And how about you at home? 119 00:05:37,230 --> 00:05:40,129 Are you tethical? Tweet us @GoodDayTheBay 120 00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:41,800 and let us know where you stand. 121 00:05:41,802 --> 00:05:44,429 Sure, yes, I will. Get ready for some opinions. 122 00:05:45,710 --> 00:05:46,889 Holden? 123 00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:50,189 Why is the television on the news? 124 00:05:50,190 --> 00:05:53,479 Jared, I don't need you telling me my job, okay? 125 00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,959 Holden, um, 126 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,025 I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us. 127 00:05:58,026 --> 00:06:00,734 We've been like, uh, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. 128 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,450 But, I've been thinking about it, 129 00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:04,073 and you work for Richard, 130 00:06:04,074 --> 00:06:06,539 and I want what's best for him 131 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:09,839 'cause I want him to be happy, so from now on... 132 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:10,998 you're my friend. 133 00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,500 You're my best friend. 134 00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:16,168 Even if you make the occasional oopsie. 135 00:06:16,169 --> 00:06:17,211 Are you fucking with me? 136 00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:19,422 Why would I do that to my best friend? 137 00:06:19,423 --> 00:06:21,049 - Love you like a brother. - Uh... 138 00:06:23,051 --> 00:06:24,552 Absolutely not. 139 00:06:24,553 --> 00:06:26,637 We haven't told you what we want yet. 140 00:06:26,638 --> 00:06:28,469 - Irrelevant. - Sit down. 141 00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:30,329 - Thank you. - I'd like to talk to you 142 00:06:30,330 --> 00:06:32,229 about your Piper-Pulse numbers. 143 00:06:32,230 --> 00:06:33,477 I'd like that, Tracy, 144 00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:35,646 because I have no idea what the fuck that is. 145 00:06:35,647 --> 00:06:38,209 Of course you do. It's the system that Tracy created 146 00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:40,809 for employees to give feedback on senior management. 147 00:06:40,810 --> 00:06:43,029 The point is, I happen to know 148 00:06:43,030 --> 00:06:45,009 a lot of folks over at AT&T, 149 00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,209 and I think it might help us 150 00:06:47,210 --> 00:06:50,040 if I back-channel some of the information I've gathered. 151 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:52,747 But before I do, I'd like to tell you how you're doing. 152 00:06:52,748 --> 00:06:54,200 I know how I'm doing. 153 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:55,910 I'm fucking killing it. 154 00:06:55,918 --> 00:06:57,627 I'm building great shit out there. 155 00:06:57,628 --> 00:07:01,580 Yes. Your acumen scores are excellent. 156 00:07:01,585 --> 00:07:04,216 On a scale of one to 10, you're at a 9.9. 157 00:07:04,217 --> 00:07:06,709 So, all 10's and... 158 00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:09,549 - Dinesh. - But, it's your interpersonal rating 159 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:11,330 I'd like to drill down on. 160 00:07:11,334 --> 00:07:13,017 It's at 1.5. 161 00:07:13,018 --> 00:07:15,436 Your coworkers find you unapproachable, 162 00:07:15,437 --> 00:07:16,896 rude, 163 00:07:16,897 --> 00:07:19,609 and capable of great hurt 164 00:07:19,610 --> 00:07:21,190 with an unsettling stare. 165 00:07:22,550 --> 00:07:24,360 Okay. 166 00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:26,822 We want AT&T to see a thriving company. 167 00:07:26,823 --> 00:07:29,009 If you really make a concerted effort 168 00:07:29,010 --> 00:07:31,070 at outreach and team building, 169 00:07:31,078 --> 00:07:33,245 - you could get your numbers up. - Tracy. 170 00:07:33,246 --> 00:07:36,389 I appreciate you wanting to participate 171 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:37,580 in the world of numbers. 172 00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:39,709 I find it endearing. 173 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,171 But yours are horseshit. 174 00:07:41,172 --> 00:07:43,129 They measure nothing. If I wanted to, 175 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,633 I could have all 10's by the end of the week. 176 00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:48,289 Gilfoyle, metrics like Piper-Pulse 177 00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:49,889 are a widely accepted measure 178 00:07:49,890 --> 00:07:51,179 of how your peers feel about you. 179 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,329 Speaking of, Monica, 180 00:07:52,330 --> 00:07:54,339 your interpersonal is at a 2. 181 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,949 - What? - Huh. 182 00:07:55,950 --> 00:07:58,849 No, that's just because Priyanka and her little... 183 00:07:58,850 --> 00:08:01,659 witch's nest over at Foxhole are bringing my numbers down. 184 00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,589 No. Most of your lower scores 185 00:08:03,590 --> 00:08:06,529 are coming from engineers, who are 84% male. 186 00:08:06,530 --> 00:08:09,323 Maybe you should try some of that outreach. 187 00:08:09,324 --> 00:08:12,410 Whatever I do, I'm sure I could do it better than you. 188 00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:14,200 Two days. 189 00:08:14,209 --> 00:08:15,789 All 10's. 190 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,990 Deal. 191 00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:21,250 Aloha. Aloha to you. 192 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,296 Aloha. Alo... 193 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,499 - Oh, hey, Dinesh. - What the fuck. 194 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:27,749 I like your beard. 195 00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:30,089 Um, why are you here? Where's AJ? 196 00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:32,289 Oh, AJ can't come. You wanted him 197 00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:34,306 to become a certified scuba before the trip, right? 198 00:08:34,307 --> 00:08:35,870 Yeah, so we could... 199 00:08:35,877 --> 00:08:37,599 fucking scuba, Gabe. 200 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,309 Well, he finished all his check dives last night, 201 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,580 but you have to wait 24 hours before you fly, 202 00:08:41,585 --> 00:08:44,024 so we decided to trade places. 203 00:08:44,025 --> 00:08:45,735 - For the day? - Uh, no. 204 00:08:45,736 --> 00:08:47,320 F-for-for all of it. 205 00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,540 - Why? - Because it... 206 00:08:50,543 --> 00:08:52,908 - it-it'd be easier? - No. 207 00:08:52,909 --> 00:08:55,077 And what are you doing in first class? 208 00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:57,729 So, the pilot is from Pakistan. 209 00:08:57,730 --> 00:09:00,790 I said, "Hey, I know a guy from Pakistan. I work with him." 210 00:09:00,792 --> 00:09:02,165 And then he said, "Hey, 211 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,750 why don't you come to the front 212 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,838 and sit in the big chairs." 213 00:09:05,839 --> 00:09:08,132 B-but that's me. I'm the guy from Pakistan. 214 00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,869 I told him that, and then he... and then he put me here. 215 00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:13,529 Okay, but I, the guy from Pakistan... 216 00:09:13,530 --> 00:09:15,590 - Right. - ... am back in economy. 217 00:09:15,599 --> 00:09:18,199 Sir? You're gonna need to take your seat. 218 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,929 And Captain Bashir wanted you to have 219 00:09:19,930 --> 00:09:21,540 these samosas his mother made. 220 00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:23,389 Oh. No, thank you. 221 00:09:30,864 --> 00:09:33,073 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 222 00:09:33,074 --> 00:09:35,660 Hey, Danny? Excuse me? 223 00:09:35,668 --> 00:09:37,290 - What are you wearing? - A shirt. 224 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,663 - Oh, my God. - I think a lot 225 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,291 of what Gavin is saying makes sense. 226 00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:44,874 Yeah, of course it does. I've been saying it for years. 227 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,650 - So, you agree with him? - Well, no. 228 00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:47,880 He is full of shit. 229 00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:51,175 But, you aren't, even though you're saying the same things? 230 00:09:51,176 --> 00:09:53,219 Yeah, because I mean it! And I said it first! 231 00:09:53,220 --> 00:09:54,849 That feels petty and personal, 232 00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:57,260 which is against Gavin's code of tethics. 233 00:09:57,265 --> 00:09:58,849 - What does that even mean? - Hey, Richard, 234 00:09:58,850 --> 00:10:01,227 - are you signing Gavin's pledge? - Ah, what? 235 00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:02,949 Because I'm getting a lot of heat from my friends 236 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,349 over at Facebook for working at an untethical company. 237 00:10:05,350 --> 00:10:08,440 Okay, cool. So, Facebook is calling us untethical. 238 00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:09,944 Yeah, because they signed the pledge. 239 00:10:09,945 --> 00:10:11,654 So did Google and Amazon and Twitter. 240 00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,112 - Don't care. - Speaking of, 241 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,609 even if you don't sign, 242 00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:16,200 could you at least stop tweeting about it? 243 00:10:16,201 --> 00:10:19,912 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass"? 244 00:10:19,913 --> 00:10:22,248 - That doesn't even make sense. - Yes, it does. 245 00:10:22,249 --> 00:10:23,958 It's dumb-ass but with thumb. 246 00:10:23,959 --> 00:10:26,669 Thumbass. It's basically perfect. 247 00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:29,489 Tethics is tech ethics. What's the thumb part? 248 00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:31,730 And why are you tweeting that from your personal account? 249 00:10:31,740 --> 00:10:34,389 The Verge referred to you as "notable tethics holdout 250 00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:36,759 and amateur insult comedian Richard Hendricks." 251 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,179 Andy Borowitz 252 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,209 wrote a pointed piece about you 253 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:41,329 - called "Doubting Richard." - Ah, see? 254 00:10:41,330 --> 00:10:42,600 That doesn't really make any sense. 255 00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:44,521 I mean, what's the pun? What am I supposed to be enjoying there? 256 00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:45,929 Now, you're harshing on Borowitz? 257 00:10:45,930 --> 00:10:47,389 Well, yeah, if he's coming up with those zingers. 258 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:49,650 If you like Andy Borowitz so much, why don't you marry him? 259 00:10:49,651 --> 00:10:51,902 Says the guy who's three months behind in child support. 260 00:10:51,903 --> 00:10:53,320 A dog is not a child! 261 00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:54,829 - Uh... - Michael Eisenberg 262 00:10:54,830 --> 00:10:55,989 from AT&T is on the phone. 263 00:10:55,990 --> 00:10:58,770 - He says it's urgent. - Ah, great. 264 00:10:58,785 --> 00:11:00,489 Hey, Michael, what's up? 265 00:11:00,490 --> 00:11:02,589 Did you just publicly insult my boss? 266 00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:04,248 What? No. 267 00:11:04,249 --> 00:11:06,125 "Anyone who signs this Tethics thing is a thumbass." 268 00:11:06,126 --> 00:11:08,586 Well, my boss just signed Gavin Belson's pledge. 269 00:11:08,587 --> 00:11:09,837 - He did? Why? - Because 270 00:11:09,838 --> 00:11:11,659 loudmouths like you got up in front of Congress 271 00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:12,829 and whined about how somebody 272 00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:14,133 needed to do something about big tech. 273 00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:15,929 Okay, I did that one time... 274 00:11:15,930 --> 00:11:17,349 And now, Gavin has managed 275 00:11:17,350 --> 00:11:18,879 to paint himself as that guy. 276 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,429 And we all have to fall in line, or we'll be in PR hell. 277 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,309 Or worse! We'll face government regulation. 278 00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:25,609 Look, have you read his pledge? 279 00:11:25,610 --> 00:11:27,981 No, of course not. It's trash. 280 00:11:27,982 --> 00:11:30,450 The first line says, "We, the undersigned, 281 00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:33,370 promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah. 282 00:11:33,376 --> 00:11:35,903 Best efforts, Richard. It's totally toothless. 283 00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:38,030 Yes. Exactly, Michael. That's entirely my point. 284 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,369 It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing. 285 00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:42,161 Then who the fuck cares, Richard? 286 00:11:42,162 --> 00:11:44,997 Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! 287 00:11:44,998 --> 00:11:46,373 - Okay. - Sign the fucking pledge! 288 00:11:46,374 --> 00:11:48,626 Oh, and stop tweeting about thumbs up people's asses. 289 00:11:48,627 --> 00:11:50,870 Oh. No, th-that's wordplay. 290 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,129 Michael? 291 00:11:54,877 --> 00:11:57,718 That is one lucky mug, Holden, my friend. 292 00:11:57,719 --> 00:11:59,799 - Please stop. - Stop what? 293 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:00,989 You're just trying to creep me out 294 00:12:00,990 --> 00:12:02,473 - so that I'll quit. - What? 295 00:12:02,474 --> 00:12:06,290 I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? 296 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,187 Are you a piece of shit? 297 00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:16,195 - Oh, hey, Dinesh. - Okay, listen, Gabe. 298 00:12:16,196 --> 00:12:18,109 I spent the entire flight streamlining 299 00:12:18,110 --> 00:12:20,609 our setup procedure, so I am gonna take 300 00:12:20,610 --> 00:12:22,669 the rental convertible and drive tower to tower, 301 00:12:22,670 --> 00:12:24,509 most of which are on pristine beaches 302 00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,622 or scenic volcanoes 303 00:12:26,623 --> 00:12:30,542 to check coverage while you sit at the office by yourself. 304 00:12:30,543 --> 00:12:32,789 - Welcome... - Oh! No! No! I get it. 305 00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:34,569 Put it on me. I-I don't want the plastic one. 306 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:35,580 - Are you one of the first cla... - Put it on me. 307 00:12:35,585 --> 00:12:38,029 Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it... 308 00:12:38,030 --> 00:12:39,049 Aloha. 309 00:12:41,429 --> 00:12:44,080 Richard. To what do I owe the pleasure? 310 00:12:44,085 --> 00:12:46,870 Just calling to, you know. 311 00:12:46,877 --> 00:12:48,969 To what, Richard? 312 00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:51,039 - Sign your thing. - My thing? 313 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,064 To sign my thing? 314 00:12:52,065 --> 00:12:56,039 I sense a certain lack of commitment, Richard. 315 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,289 I mean, if I suspected the only reason 316 00:12:58,290 --> 00:12:59,903 you wanted to lend your name to my cause 317 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,989 was because of the enormous pressure you're probably facing 318 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,199 as a notable holdout, well, 319 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,849 how could I allow you 320 00:13:06,850 --> 00:13:09,330 to add your name to my tethics pledge? 321 00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:11,792 That would be... untethical. 322 00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:14,870 Gavin, come on. Just... can we get this over with? 323 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:16,169 Then again, the idea of you 324 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,460 publicly committing to the cause, 325 00:13:17,465 --> 00:13:19,709 that gives me joy. 326 00:13:19,710 --> 00:13:23,519 So yes, Richard, I'd be happy to be your moral mentor. 327 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,931 I guess I'll see you at the ceremony. 328 00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:28,100 - What ceremony? - The groundbreaking 329 00:13:28,101 --> 00:13:31,089 - for the Institute. - What fucking institute? 330 00:13:31,090 --> 00:13:34,439 The Belson Institute of Tethics. It's all on our website. 331 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,649 You and the others will all be there 332 00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,709 to publicly commit to the pledge. 333 00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:41,280 Also, I'm gonna be asking you to say a few words. 334 00:13:41,281 --> 00:13:44,491 Just a bit about how much of a fan you are, 335 00:13:44,492 --> 00:13:47,953 dedicated to the cause, my cause, maybe lead with a joke. 336 00:13:47,954 --> 00:13:49,622 Be good to have you there, Richard. 337 00:13:49,623 --> 00:13:52,749 Securing my legacy with you at my wing. 338 00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:56,370 Wear pants you can kneel in. 339 00:13:57,410 --> 00:13:59,170 Hey, Nathan! 340 00:13:59,174 --> 00:14:02,730 I was, uh, perusing your file, and I just... 341 00:14:05,668 --> 00:14:07,223 Hey. 342 00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:09,929 - What? - Sorry. I just, um, 343 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,929 I was quickly perusing your file... 344 00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:13,687 That's not what peruse means. 345 00:14:13,688 --> 00:14:16,849 Peruse means to read thoroughly and carefully. 346 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:21,149 Wow. That... that's... super helpful. 347 00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:23,870 Thank you for that tip. 348 00:14:23,877 --> 00:14:26,209 Um, anyway, yeah, 349 00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:29,200 I was just curious to know, like, what's it like... 350 00:14:29,209 --> 00:14:30,622 growing up in Rhode Island? 351 00:14:30,623 --> 00:14:34,649 Well, maybe some time when you're working on something, 352 00:14:34,650 --> 00:14:36,949 I can come interrupt your flow 353 00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:40,590 and use words incorrectly to tell you about it. 354 00:14:43,670 --> 00:14:45,480 Got it. 355 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:49,370 Oh, you own a Prius? 356 00:14:49,376 --> 00:14:52,179 Popular choice. Later, Daniel. 357 00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:54,061 What? 358 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,209 Well, you win. 359 00:14:58,210 --> 00:15:01,729 That is the worst case of contact dermatitis 360 00:15:01,730 --> 00:15:02,980 I have ever seen. 361 00:15:02,987 --> 00:15:05,209 - The itching is so insane! - Right. 362 00:15:05,210 --> 00:15:06,660 - It's like from the inside! - Warren! 363 00:15:06,668 --> 00:15:08,659 Come here, I want you to see something. This is Warren, 364 00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:11,160 our resident. This is his first week. 365 00:15:11,168 --> 00:15:12,955 Warren, I want you to notice 366 00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,873 the violent allergic reaction 367 00:15:14,874 --> 00:15:18,252 to the plumeria flowers used in the patient's lei, 368 00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:19,545 which is weird. 369 00:15:19,546 --> 00:15:21,338 Normally, they just hand out plastic ones. 370 00:15:21,339 --> 00:15:22,569 Just make it stop! 371 00:15:22,570 --> 00:15:24,380 Well, the good news is a strong 372 00:15:24,384 --> 00:15:27,386 anti-histamine shot oughta take care of it in no time. 373 00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:30,969 Oh! Great! Yeah! The shot! Just-just gimme the shot! 374 00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:33,929 Now, before we proceed, I should warn you the shot, 375 00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:35,478 it works like gangbusters, 376 00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:37,189 but it does tend to cause 377 00:15:37,190 --> 00:15:39,589 acute sensitivity to sunlight, 378 00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:41,389 so you're gonna wanna stay indoors 379 00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:44,080 - for four to six weeks. - What? 380 00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:46,140 Warren, no! 381 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,389 We wait until after I've explained 382 00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:52,995 all the possible complications, 383 00:15:52,996 --> 00:15:54,913 and only then, 384 00:15:54,914 --> 00:15:56,915 do we administer the injection. 385 00:15:56,916 --> 00:15:59,251 - Did you say four to six weeks? - Yep. 386 00:15:59,252 --> 00:16:03,199 Otherwise, you're gonna be back here for something a lot worse. 387 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,429 All right, well... 388 00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:07,870 that was a teachable moment, huh? 389 00:16:07,877 --> 00:16:09,219 - Yeah. Sure. - Yeah. 390 00:16:13,224 --> 00:16:16,069 I got next. And, uh, better watch out 391 00:16:16,070 --> 00:16:18,350 'cause I am the queen of Asteroids. 392 00:16:18,354 --> 00:16:21,329 - Are you trying to cut in line? - You don't need a quarter. 393 00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,190 It's on free play, duh. 394 00:16:23,193 --> 00:16:25,612 We get it. You make more money than us. 395 00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:29,060 Okay, you know what? 396 00:16:32,130 --> 00:16:34,070 - Gilfoyle, you're awesome. - Carl. 397 00:16:34,790 --> 00:16:36,620 You're doin' it. 398 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,910 What the fuck? 399 00:16:40,918 --> 00:16:42,754 My man. 400 00:16:44,297 --> 00:16:46,172 "Integrity. We do the right thing. 401 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,369 We are committed to the highest ethical standards." 402 00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:52,589 It's all such banal, self-righteous, hacky bullshit. 403 00:16:52,590 --> 00:16:54,139 - And I have to endorse it? - Yeah. 404 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,669 It is particularly pedestrian pablum, even for Gavin. 405 00:16:57,670 --> 00:17:00,569 "Responsibility. We contribute to the growth, joy, 406 00:17:00,570 --> 00:17:03,330 and enrichment of all the lives we touch. 407 00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,250 - Courage... " - Wait, uh, 408 00:17:05,251 --> 00:17:07,111 - what was that last one? - Responsibility? 409 00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:10,069 Uh, "We contribute to the growth, joy, and enrichment 410 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,950 of all the lives we touch." 411 00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:14,199 Holden! 412 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,279 Can you bring the menu book in here, please? 413 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,873 Hi, guy! 414 00:17:20,002 --> 00:17:21,790 - Here you go. - Thanks. 415 00:17:21,793 --> 00:17:24,462 Yes. You are a good boy. 416 00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,540 Are you hungry? 417 00:17:27,543 --> 00:17:30,218 I am. Holden. 418 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,345 Holden. 419 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,638 Holden. 420 00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:36,139 Holden... 421 00:17:36,140 --> 00:17:38,141 Ah, good. Applebee's. We were... 422 00:17:38,142 --> 00:17:39,689 ordering from here the other night, 423 00:17:39,690 --> 00:17:42,949 and we were all joking about this, uh... Yes, look. 424 00:17:42,950 --> 00:17:44,869 Uh, so, their mission statement 425 00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:47,829 is right near their nachos, and we were saying 426 00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:50,279 that this is not-cho mission statement. 427 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,660 Wait, I'm sorry. 428 00:17:52,668 --> 00:17:54,117 Was that a joke? 429 00:17:54,877 --> 00:17:56,994 That. It's... it's a pun. 430 00:17:56,995 --> 00:17:59,329 - Right. - It's just like thumbass, you know. 431 00:17:59,330 --> 00:18:00,620 It's in the same genre. 432 00:18:00,623 --> 00:18:02,508 - Like what? - Thumbass? 433 00:18:02,509 --> 00:18:04,210 I've been saying it a lot. 434 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,297 Read it, read it. 435 00:18:08,298 --> 00:18:09,790 "At Applebee's, our mission is to contribute 436 00:18:09,793 --> 00:18:11,330 to the growth, joy... 437 00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:14,959 and enrichment of all the lives we touch." Wait... 438 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,056 That's word for word what's in Gavin's pledge. 439 00:18:18,057 --> 00:18:19,308 Yes, it is. 440 00:18:19,309 --> 00:18:21,469 - You don't think... - That's exactly what I think. 441 00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:24,140 Read me another one of Gavin's frilly sentences. 442 00:18:24,147 --> 00:18:28,099 "Maintaining our uncompromising principles while we grow." 443 00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:32,319 That's Starbucks. 444 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,609 Okay, again. 445 00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:36,993 "Enhance the quality of life for all ages." 446 00:18:38,043 --> 00:18:40,069 - That's the AARP. - Yes! 447 00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:42,639 My best friend Gloria was a charter member for 35 years 448 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,040 - before she passed. - The question is... 449 00:18:45,043 --> 00:18:47,309 if Gavin stole his entire code of conduct 450 00:18:47,310 --> 00:18:50,200 for this stupid fucking foundation, 451 00:18:50,209 --> 00:18:52,717 what else has he been stealing? 452 00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:55,802 All right, I give up. 453 00:18:55,803 --> 00:18:58,580 Even this stupid hair didn't work. 454 00:18:58,585 --> 00:19:01,160 How are you getting these people to like you? 455 00:19:01,168 --> 00:19:03,709 I'm not getting anyone to like me. 456 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,312 Bullshit. I've seen you out there. 457 00:19:05,313 --> 00:19:07,529 It's like you have a non-evil twin. 458 00:19:07,530 --> 00:19:08,566 It's very weird. 459 00:19:08,567 --> 00:19:10,410 Monica... 460 00:19:10,418 --> 00:19:13,709 gaining someone's confidence is easy. 461 00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:16,429 Appear open and interested 462 00:19:16,430 --> 00:19:18,209 by mimicking their body language 463 00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:20,410 and repeating what they say back to them. 464 00:19:20,411 --> 00:19:23,080 So, you just repeat what they say? 465 00:19:23,085 --> 00:19:25,415 I just repeat what they say. 466 00:19:25,416 --> 00:19:27,251 I was social engineering them. 467 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,629 Once trust is established, 468 00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:33,650 the social engineer simply offers up information, 469 00:19:33,660 --> 00:19:37,010 and the subject will Pets names, 470 00:19:37,011 --> 00:19:39,089 kids names, birthdays. 471 00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,229 Then, that information is entered 472 00:19:41,230 --> 00:19:43,392 into a word list generator. 473 00:19:43,393 --> 00:19:46,639 Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, 474 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:47,854 and within minutes, 475 00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,439 you have their passwords. 476 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,234 So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's? 477 00:19:52,235 --> 00:19:53,980 Yep. 478 00:19:54,987 --> 00:19:56,238 Can you do mine, too? 479 00:19:56,239 --> 00:19:59,290 I don't actually want them to like me. 480 00:19:59,293 --> 00:20:02,169 I hate them. I really fucking hate them. 481 00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:04,200 I just don't like having 2's. 482 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,124 You know, 483 00:20:07,125 --> 00:20:10,127 I could raise both of our scores 484 00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:13,171 and continue this charade. Or... 485 00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:15,629 I could lower someone else's, 486 00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:18,289 and put an end to these shenanigans 487 00:20:18,290 --> 00:20:19,870 once and for all. 488 00:20:19,877 --> 00:20:21,264 I like it. 489 00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:28,019 Thank you. 490 00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:29,679 It's quite an event, eh? 491 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:33,400 See down there? It's Facebook, Google, 492 00:20:33,401 --> 00:20:35,652 even fucking Bezos sent someone. 493 00:20:35,653 --> 00:20:38,405 All here to support the cause. My cause. 494 00:20:39,910 --> 00:20:41,250 You know who else showed up? 495 00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:42,450 Mm. 496 00:20:42,459 --> 00:20:44,190 Starbucks. 497 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,250 Very good company. 498 00:20:46,251 --> 00:20:48,833 Filled with smart people with bold ideas. 499 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:50,835 - I suppose. - Also, 500 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,350 Anusol Plus. 501 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,131 Do you have hemorrhoids, Gavin? 502 00:20:56,132 --> 00:20:57,758 Not currently. 503 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,909 Made by Johnson & Johnson, also a good company. 504 00:21:00,910 --> 00:21:02,090 Do you know what they do? 505 00:21:02,096 --> 00:21:04,869 They spark solutions 506 00:21:04,870 --> 00:21:07,410 that create a better, healthier world. 507 00:21:07,418 --> 00:21:08,959 Just like you. 508 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,312 You remember writing that? 509 00:21:10,313 --> 00:21:11,549 I'm a busy man, Richard. 510 00:21:11,550 --> 00:21:13,160 I've lived an incredible life. 511 00:21:13,168 --> 00:21:15,200 I saw a yeti one time, 512 00:21:15,209 --> 00:21:17,659 and forgot for a couple years. 513 00:21:17,660 --> 00:21:21,350 Well, I ran your little pledge 514 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,618 through a plagiarism detection API. 515 00:21:24,501 --> 00:21:26,036 What are you implying, Richard? 516 00:21:26,037 --> 00:21:28,349 Well, I also looked at transcripts 517 00:21:28,350 --> 00:21:30,248 of your interviews and speeches. 518 00:21:30,249 --> 00:21:34,127 Your commencement speech at Liberty University. Stolen, 519 00:21:34,128 --> 00:21:37,088 from an obscure Afghan philosopher. 520 00:21:37,089 --> 00:21:39,709 And also, do you see 521 00:21:39,710 --> 00:21:41,135 that guy right there? 522 00:21:41,140 --> 00:21:44,049 That is Rod Morgenstern, 523 00:21:44,050 --> 00:21:46,009 the author of "The Nautilus of Dreams," 524 00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:48,669 the eBook you blatantly plagiarized and turned into 525 00:21:48,670 --> 00:21:50,889 "Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses." 526 00:21:50,890 --> 00:21:52,769 Do you know how much harder my life has been 527 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,789 - because I cared about ethics? - Tethics. 528 00:21:54,790 --> 00:21:56,989 I could've lost my company a dozen different times 529 00:21:56,990 --> 00:22:00,229 because I couldn't compromise on my ethics, 530 00:22:00,230 --> 00:22:01,389 - and now you're turning ethics... - Tethics. 531 00:22:01,390 --> 00:22:03,448 - Tethics. - ... into some kind of fucking vanity project. 532 00:22:03,449 --> 00:22:05,580 - Tethics, Richard. Tethics. - Stop it. 533 00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:07,369 Something I came up with on my own. 534 00:22:07,370 --> 00:22:09,872 Well, it sounds fuckin' dumb. 535 00:22:11,835 --> 00:22:13,079 What do you want? 536 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,540 Ever since I turned down your $10 million, 537 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:19,256 all I ever wanted was for you to just go away. 538 00:22:19,257 --> 00:22:20,929 But, you and Hooli have tried 539 00:22:20,930 --> 00:22:23,189 to fuck me over a thousand different ways. 540 00:22:23,190 --> 00:22:25,569 You're a billionaire. You can do anything you want. 541 00:22:25,570 --> 00:22:28,620 You can run for president or buy a fuckin' basketball team, 542 00:22:28,626 --> 00:22:31,410 but you can't do this. 543 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:32,812 And I'm gonna make sure of it. 544 00:22:32,813 --> 00:22:35,565 So, if you'll excuse me, I have to... 545 00:22:35,570 --> 00:22:37,730 look over my speech. 546 00:22:45,501 --> 00:22:46,616 Hey! 547 00:22:46,617 --> 00:22:48,827 So, you guys raised some issues 548 00:22:48,828 --> 00:22:51,439 with Piper-Pulse, so I really started looking into it, 549 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:52,910 and it turns out, there are some... 550 00:22:52,915 --> 00:22:56,167 real problems with its reliability as a metric. So, 551 00:22:56,168 --> 00:22:57,335 I'm shutting it down. 552 00:22:57,336 --> 00:22:58,503 - Aw. - Hm. 553 00:22:58,504 --> 00:23:00,969 But the scores are derived from our coworkers, 554 00:23:00,970 --> 00:23:04,009 the most reliable indicator of job performance. 555 00:23:04,010 --> 00:23:05,629 Yeah, maybe we could help. 556 00:23:05,630 --> 00:23:06,669 You know, I'm sure if we took a look 557 00:23:06,670 --> 00:23:07,680 - under the hood... - No! 558 00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:10,549 Bad system. Didn't work. 559 00:23:10,550 --> 00:23:12,060 Thank you. 560 00:23:29,744 --> 00:23:31,661 Oh, I guess I'm up. 561 00:23:31,662 --> 00:23:34,000 Thank you. 562 00:23:34,002 --> 00:23:36,609 Thank you, Elder Red Spirit, 563 00:23:36,610 --> 00:23:39,200 for those profound... 564 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:40,545 sentiments. 565 00:23:40,546 --> 00:23:41,881 I'm sorry. 566 00:23:43,390 --> 00:23:44,924 I, uh... 567 00:23:44,925 --> 00:23:47,010 I can't do this. 568 00:23:47,011 --> 00:23:49,149 As humbling as it is 569 00:23:49,150 --> 00:23:52,329 to have all of you sitting here, paying tribute to me, 570 00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:54,210 I have to be honest. 571 00:23:55,543 --> 00:23:57,438 I have been anything but ethical. 572 00:23:57,439 --> 00:24:01,649 In truth, I am a plagiarist, and a liar, 573 00:24:01,650 --> 00:24:06,049 and a thief. Ironically, the very... 574 00:24:06,050 --> 00:24:09,269 code of virtue I've asked you all to abide by was, 575 00:24:09,270 --> 00:24:11,279 in itself, stolen. 576 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,750 And perhaps, some day, 577 00:24:13,751 --> 00:24:17,667 someone may erect a foundation the likes of this. 578 00:24:18,830 --> 00:24:21,789 But it will not be, and should not, 579 00:24:21,790 --> 00:24:22,838 be me. 580 00:24:24,500 --> 00:24:27,389 And in the interest of being truly honest, 581 00:24:27,390 --> 00:24:29,094 this is not new behavior. 582 00:24:29,095 --> 00:24:31,789 I have, for years and years, 583 00:24:31,790 --> 00:24:35,129 practiced a parasitic and cynical brand 584 00:24:35,130 --> 00:24:37,089 of predatory capitalism 585 00:24:37,090 --> 00:24:38,870 that leaves nothing to be admired. 586 00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:41,870 Ethics? Not a priority. 587 00:24:41,877 --> 00:24:44,080 In fact, my behavior 588 00:24:44,085 --> 00:24:46,111 may have bordered on criminal. 589 00:24:46,112 --> 00:24:49,080 And to those I have wronged by this, 590 00:24:49,085 --> 00:24:50,615 I apologize. 591 00:24:50,616 --> 00:24:53,040 But apologies are cheap, aren't they? 592 00:24:53,043 --> 00:24:54,662 There must be a reckoning. 593 00:24:54,663 --> 00:24:57,049 Which is why today, 594 00:24:57,050 --> 00:24:59,249 here in this public forum, 595 00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:02,069 I call for the attorney general 596 00:25:02,070 --> 00:25:03,789 of the state of California to launch 597 00:25:03,790 --> 00:25:05,489 an immediate investigation 598 00:25:05,490 --> 00:25:09,209 of my conduct as CEO of Hooli... 599 00:25:09,210 --> 00:25:11,929 leaving no stone unturned. 600 00:25:11,930 --> 00:25:15,049 The truth must finally be revealed. 601 00:25:15,050 --> 00:25:17,120 I apologize 602 00:25:17,127 --> 00:25:19,519 for putting you all through this, especially... 603 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,809 those of you who actually lead lives of... 604 00:25:22,810 --> 00:25:26,119 real virtue. 605 00:25:30,850 --> 00:25:32,780 Hey, Gavin. 606 00:25:32,783 --> 00:25:34,870 I know that wasn't easy. 607 00:25:34,877 --> 00:25:36,319 Sure about that? 608 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,129 Should've taken the $10 million, Richard. 609 00:25:40,130 --> 00:25:43,836 Enjoy the injunction, thumbass. 610 00:25:45,990 --> 00:25:47,214 What? 611 00:25:48,127 --> 00:25:50,249 Okay, Donny. Yeah, you, too, 612 00:25:50,250 --> 00:25:51,810 and I appreciate it, by the way. 613 00:25:51,820 --> 00:25:54,721 All right, I'll catch you on the flip side. 614 00:25:54,722 --> 00:25:58,599 Okay, so, this is real. 615 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,969 The AG just told me they're launching an investigation 616 00:26:01,970 --> 00:26:05,330 into Gavin's price fixing and anti-competitive behavior 617 00:26:05,334 --> 00:26:07,189 while he was at Hooli, 618 00:26:07,190 --> 00:26:09,329 and Gavin called it. So, obviously, 619 00:26:09,330 --> 00:26:11,609 the first move is to file an injunction against 620 00:26:11,610 --> 00:26:15,489 any further merging between Hooli and Pied Piper. 621 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:17,989 Okay. W-what does injunction mean? 622 00:26:17,990 --> 00:26:19,740 - What does that mean? - It means 623 00:26:19,747 --> 00:26:23,109 until this investigation concludes, 624 00:26:23,110 --> 00:26:25,870 you are prohibited from mixing any more 625 00:26:25,877 --> 00:26:28,631 Hooli chocolate with the Pied Piper peanut butter. 626 00:26:28,632 --> 00:26:32,109 Well, we're in the middle of merging our codebases. 627 00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:35,428 - Yeah, unmerge them. - Well, that's impossible. 628 00:26:35,429 --> 00:26:38,557 I mean, Christ, we're using HooliPhones in our Hawaii test. 629 00:26:39,418 --> 00:26:41,829 So, by calling for an investigation 630 00:26:41,830 --> 00:26:45,609 into his own behaviors, he can kill us? 631 00:26:45,610 --> 00:26:47,370 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 632 00:26:47,399 --> 00:26:50,330 Fuckin' Gavin Belson. 633 00:26:52,209 --> 00:26:54,281 Is this fun? I'm sorry. Are-are you admiring him? 634 00:26:54,282 --> 00:26:57,309 You gotta separate the artist from the art, 635 00:26:57,310 --> 00:26:58,660 Rico. I mean, this is... 636 00:26:58,661 --> 00:27:01,288 elegant, you know? This is, this is graceful. 637 00:27:01,289 --> 00:27:03,189 This is kinda like, uh... 638 00:27:03,190 --> 00:27:05,580 What's the, uh, what's the name of that... 639 00:27:05,585 --> 00:27:08,029 - ... ballerina dude? - Baryshnikov. 640 00:27:08,030 --> 00:27:09,449 - No. - Nureyev? 641 00:27:09,450 --> 00:27:11,789 - No... - Does it fucking matter, Ron? 642 00:27:11,790 --> 00:27:12,869 Who cares? 643 00:27:12,870 --> 00:27:14,789 We're paralyzed! We're gonna be broke! 644 00:27:14,790 --> 00:27:16,009 Shit, yeah. 645 00:27:16,010 --> 00:27:19,729 And, now Gavin's gonna be able to buy Pied Piper 646 00:27:19,730 --> 00:27:21,392 for pennies on the dollar. 647 00:27:21,393 --> 00:27:24,489 He is under investigation, right? 648 00:27:24,490 --> 00:27:26,769 So, something bad can happen to him. 649 00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:29,450 Worst case, they find he acted in bad faith, 650 00:27:29,460 --> 00:27:32,730 and then Hooli's gotta pay a big fine or something. 651 00:27:33,543 --> 00:27:35,280 But you own Hooli, so... 652 00:27:35,281 --> 00:27:38,329 you'd have to pay that fine. 653 00:27:38,330 --> 00:27:39,450 Fucking ninja! 654 00:27:42,543 --> 00:27:43,739 We're dead. 655 00:27:43,740 --> 00:27:45,833 Gregory Hines! 656 00:27:46,650 --> 00:27:48,878 Dancer guy. He's an American treasure. 657 00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:54,630 Richard Hendricks! 658 00:27:56,127 --> 00:27:58,160 What's up? 659 00:28:00,251 --> 00:28:02,290 Right? Right? 660 00:28:02,293 --> 00:28:04,449 Read it. Get it? 661 00:28:04,450 --> 00:28:07,029 - Now say it. - Look, Russ, I don't really have time 662 00:28:07,030 --> 00:28:08,062 for you right now. 663 00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:10,709 Or your festival, if that's why you're here. 664 00:28:10,710 --> 00:28:12,329 The Attorney General of California 665 00:28:12,330 --> 00:28:13,983 just signed our fuckin' death warrant. 666 00:28:13,984 --> 00:28:15,950 Yeah, I heard Belson gaped your asshole today 667 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,281 - and not in that fun way. - Cool. 668 00:28:17,282 --> 00:28:19,040 Great. Well, 669 00:28:19,043 --> 00:28:20,909 I've gotta go inside and tell everyone, so... 670 00:28:20,910 --> 00:28:22,494 No, you don't, you lucky fuck. 671 00:28:24,538 --> 00:28:26,869 Lucky fucky. Richard, 672 00:28:26,870 --> 00:28:29,129 Don Delarenta, the AG of California, 673 00:28:29,130 --> 00:28:30,460 is gonna do whatever the fuck I tell him to do. 674 00:28:30,461 --> 00:28:33,079 - Why? - 'Cause I have dirt on him. 675 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,489 Two years ago, he had an open-and-shut case 676 00:28:35,490 --> 00:28:38,009 against a guy who committed terrible crimes, 677 00:28:38,010 --> 00:28:39,209 but he didn't prosecute him 678 00:28:39,210 --> 00:28:41,069 'cause that guy bribed him and I can prove it. 679 00:28:41,070 --> 00:28:43,349 You think the fuckin' AG is gonna wanna let the public see 680 00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:45,642 that he didn't prosecute a guy who did this? 681 00:28:45,643 --> 00:28:47,769 - Oh, my God! Holy fuck! - Or this? 682 00:28:47,770 --> 00:28:49,089 Or this? Jesus, look at that. 683 00:28:49,090 --> 00:28:50,160 Fuck me! 684 00:28:50,168 --> 00:28:51,856 Hold on, wait... Is that you? 685 00:28:51,857 --> 00:28:54,329 Yeah. So is this. This. Here's portrait mode. 686 00:28:54,330 --> 00:28:55,689 There's a panoramic in here 687 00:28:55,690 --> 00:28:57,349 - somewhere. - I get it, Russ. 688 00:28:57,350 --> 00:28:59,120 Are you the one that committed the terrible crimes? 689 00:28:59,127 --> 00:29:01,609 Yeah. And that dirtbag 690 00:29:01,610 --> 00:29:04,369 let me off because I contributed half a mil to his campaign. 691 00:29:04,370 --> 00:29:05,909 Now I had told him I'd delete the photos, 692 00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:08,790 but what that moron didn't count on is that I'd forget. 693 00:29:08,791 --> 00:29:10,869 So, Richard. Question. 694 00:29:10,870 --> 00:29:12,709 Should I make the call? 695 00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:14,837 You ready to dump Hawaii, 696 00:29:14,838 --> 00:29:16,450 and join RussFest? 697 00:29:18,550 --> 00:29:20,635 Ah? Ah? Ah? 698 00:29:20,636 --> 00:29:22,249 You're not really giving me much of a choice. 699 00:29:22,250 --> 00:29:23,931 Ah! 700 00:29:23,940 --> 00:29:26,307 Don Delarenta, please. 701 00:29:26,308 --> 00:29:28,870 Tell him it's Russ Hanneman. 702 00:29:28,877 --> 00:29:30,145 He'll know. 703 00:29:32,147 --> 00:29:34,899 Uh, hey, Dinesh? 704 00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:37,527 Oh, hey, Dinesh. 705 00:29:41,010 --> 00:29:42,980 Hey, Richard, what's up? 706 00:29:43,877 --> 00:29:46,370 You want me to come home? Like, 707 00:29:46,376 --> 00:29:47,954 leave Hawaii? 708 00:29:47,955 --> 00:29:50,650 No! 709 00:29:50,660 --> 00:29:52,667 Wait, for what? 710 00:29:52,668 --> 00:29:55,629 So, bitches, what do you think? 711 00:30:00,877 --> 00:30:02,509 It's beautiful. 712 00:30:02,510 --> 00:30:04,169 Tres Commas! 713 00:30:04,170 --> 00:30:05,709 Boom! 714 00:30:07,390 --> 00:30:11,390 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - www.addic7ed.com ... 715 00:31:17,730 --> 00:31:20,929 Hey, Gilfoyle. So, I've been thinking about your AI 716 00:31:20,930 --> 00:31:22,257 and its many deficits... 717 00:31:22,258 --> 00:31:24,409 Your issue may be insecurity, 718 00:31:24,410 --> 00:31:27,720 masked by false bravado and unisex cologne. 719 00:31:27,721 --> 00:31:29,539 It's not unisex. 720 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,144 Richard! Russ Fest! 721 00:31:35,145 --> 00:31:38,023 You told AT&T that the hologram would be interactive, right? 722 00:31:38,024 --> 00:31:39,309 Yes. 723 00:31:39,310 --> 00:31:40,350 See, asshole? 724 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:43,500 My hologram can 100 percent dry hump festival goers 725 00:31:43,501 --> 00:31:44,519 from behind. 726 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,448 If they ask for it. Hashtag-woke. 727 00:31:47,570 --> 00:31:49,209 Well, the purchasing seems stable. 728 00:31:49,210 --> 00:31:50,650 Everything is amazing. 729 00:31:51,328 --> 00:31:52,536 What's it doing? 730 00:31:52,537 --> 00:31:54,049 Everything was fine, and then the network 731 00:31:54,050 --> 00:31:55,415 started deteriorating. 732 00:31:55,416 --> 00:31:58,250 Also, his trailer was filled with ants. 733 00:32:02,131 --> 00:32:03,589 What did we do? 734 00:32:03,590 --> 00:32:05,089 Am I going to jail? 735 00:32:05,090 --> 00:32:07,170 Hey. I can train you.