1
00:00:21,096 --> 00:00:23,004
So weird.

2
00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:25,691
- So, can I stay for dinner?
- No.

3
00:00:37,596 --> 00:00:39,591
And they'll toot
their horn-honkers

4
00:00:39,615 --> 00:00:41,356
to proclaim its renown.

5
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,542
But there's one tale
the townsfolk

6
00:00:43,693 --> 00:00:45,285
won't brag of or bray.

7
00:00:45,437 --> 00:00:47,604
It's what happened
on Springfield's

8
00:00:47,623 --> 00:00:50,290
dum-dummiest day.

9
00:00:56,706 --> 00:00:59,207
Ach! The grid is overloaded.

10
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:03,187
But who and how and where
and what for?

11
00:01:03,972 --> 00:01:05,806
Ach! Eek!

12
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,900
Loch! Ewan!

13
00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:08,292
Crivvens!

14
00:01:08,385 --> 00:01:10,294
My precious grid.

15
00:01:10,312 --> 00:01:13,363
One more daft device
and she'll explode.

16
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:18,118
No!

17
00:01:26,736 --> 00:01:29,904
Dear God, to mitigate the smell
of emulsified eggs and vinegar,

18
00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:32,073
we'll have to close the school
for weeks.

19
00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:33,812
Yay!
Awesome.

20
00:01:33,836 --> 00:01:35,221
- That's great!
- All right!

21
00:01:35,245 --> 00:01:36,428
You clearly misheard me.

22
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,931
I said the school
will be closed.

23
00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:42,101
And we said,
"woo-hoo,"awesome,"

24
00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:44,344
and "that's great."

25
00:01:44,496 --> 00:01:46,416
You're watching
SportsCenter Classic.

26
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,275
Stay tuned for more exciting
baseball scores from 1986.

27
00:01:50,427 --> 00:01:52,002
1986.

28
00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:54,004
I was two years old then.

29
00:01:54,022 --> 00:01:55,839
Or was I 30?

30
00:01:55,932 --> 00:01:57,265
Stressed out from IRS troubles?

31
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,617
Irreversible Mortgage?

32
00:01:58,768 --> 00:02:01,102
Chockaholic's Foot,
formerly known as diabetes?

33
00:02:01,271 --> 00:02:03,196
I can make
those stresses disappear

34
00:02:03,349 --> 00:02:04,698
like a shattered backboard.

35
00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:07,701
Late-night commercial
legend Shaquille O'Neal?

36
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,444
You need Tightie Mighties,

37
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,257
the compression underwear
with the proven

38
00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:14,115
nerve-soothing properties
of copper wire.

39
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:15,859
Operators are standing by.

40
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:17,469
It's a slam dunk.

41
00:02:17,621 --> 00:02:20,180
That's the best kind of dunk.

42
00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:22,699
For crying out loud.

43
00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:24,143
I said no more buying junk

44
00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:26,870
from late-night ads
on basic cable.

45
00:02:26,889 --> 00:02:28,538
Look at all this stuff.

46
00:02:28,632 --> 00:02:30,223
Unkinkable garden hoses,

47
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:31,799
squatty potties.

48
00:02:31,877 --> 00:02:35,303
Why do you need the world's
most powerful flashlight?

49
00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:36,546
Aah!

50
00:02:36,565 --> 00:02:38,973
It has the most lumens.

51
00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:42,310
These late-night cable hucksters
are getting rich

52
00:02:42,404 --> 00:02:45,164
off gullible people like you.

53
00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:47,057
Oh, no, you're right.

54
00:02:47,226 --> 00:02:49,893
I'm as stupid as the guy
who couldn't make spaghetti

55
00:02:49,986 --> 00:02:52,838
before he bought
the Spaghetti Samurai.

56
00:02:54,066 --> 00:02:55,134
Dad, wake up.

57
00:02:55,158 --> 00:02:56,842
Get up, dummy.

58
00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:57,901
Huh?

59
00:02:57,994 --> 00:02:59,085
This is our classroom

60
00:02:59,238 --> 00:03:01,663
until our school
doesn't smell like eggs.

61
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,533
Homeschooling.

62
00:03:04,593 --> 00:03:07,561
Every half-assed parent's
nightmare.

63
00:03:12,342 --> 00:03:14,151
Oh...

64
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,514
First law of robotics:

65
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,516
you suck.

66
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,611
Okay, so, if I have
$500 in the bank,

67
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,372
and your mother wants to take
two-thirds of it

68
00:03:27,524 --> 00:03:30,042
to buy a purse,
when her old purse

69
00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,859
is just fine...

70
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,104
You?
$500 in the bank?

71
00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:36,122
What are you teaching him,
science fiction?

72
00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:39,609
No, real fiction, Luann.
It's real fiction.

73
00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:43,037
Okay, class,

74
00:03:43,131 --> 00:03:46,132
it's time for our unit
on Springfield history.

75
00:03:46,285 --> 00:03:48,618
Ooh, more
pumpkin stickers for me.

76
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:52,122
I still got room for one more
between my toes.

77
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,567
"Chapter four:

78
00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:57,486
a Great Endeavor."

79
00:03:59,055 --> 00:04:00,647
Today, we christen

80
00:04:00,799 --> 00:04:02,983
the Great Springfield Gazebo,

81
00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:05,577
wherein romance-minded gentlemen

82
00:04:05,729 --> 00:04:07,579
the world over may come

83
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,081
to court their intendeds.

84
00:04:09,232 --> 00:04:11,308
This grand new structure

85
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:13,085
shall make Springfield

86
00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:16,213
the woo-pitching capital
of America.

87
00:04:20,168 --> 00:04:24,004
Gentlemen, start your ukuleles.

88
00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:38,634
Oh, God, oh, dear God, um,

89
00:04:38,762 --> 00:04:40,946
we didn't account
for the harmonic frequency

90
00:04:41,173 --> 00:04:44,116
of the wooing.
It's too romantic!

91
00:04:44,267 --> 00:04:46,601
Please, I beg you,
stop making love

92
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,437
in the old-timey sense
as we understand it today.

93
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,970
Glory turned to fiasco

94
00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:07,789
for the disgraced
Mayor of Springfield,

95
00:05:07,883 --> 00:05:09,808
Eustace Van Houten.

96
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,204
Aw, soup crackers.

97
00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:16,706
- Charlatan!
- Mountebank!

98
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,299
Dunderhead!

99
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:21,302
Dad, was he
one of our relatives?

100
00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:24,972
Yeah, he was your
great-great-grandfather.

101
00:05:25,141 --> 00:05:27,233
Not so great, I guess.

102
00:05:27,386 --> 00:05:30,737
So, the Van Houtens
have always been losers.

103
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,481
Not true, son.
Hey, your granddad

104
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,484
once prepared a Caesar salad
for Dean Martin,

105
00:05:36,578 --> 00:05:38,152
right at the table.

106
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:41,247
Fine, Dad.
I'm gonna go to Phys Ed.

107
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,092
We're doing swimming today.

108
00:05:49,758 --> 00:05:50,849
Mm...

109
00:05:52,244 --> 00:05:53,577
My life is hard enough,

110
00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:56,613
now I find out that the school
is teaching my son

111
00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:59,766
that every one of his ancestors
is a loser.

112
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,696
I bought so many
stupid useless products.

113
00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,940
Pretzel Straightener,
Face Bidet,

114
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,368
Spray-on Music.

115
00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:16,282
I'm financially ruined,

116
00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:18,210
and it's all his fault.

117
00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:21,287
Now your belly button can live
the lint-free lifestyle

118
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,048
with the Navel Vac.

119
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:25,032
And she'll like it, too.

120
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,292
She didn't.

121
00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:28,536
Shaq, you suckered me again.

122
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,556
Hey, hey, hey.
I will not have you badmouthing

123
00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:33,116
Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal.

124
00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:34,559
Four-time NBA champ,

125
00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,453
rapper, actor, sheriff,

126
00:06:36,471 --> 00:06:39,046
restaurateur,
black belt in Shaq-Fu,

127
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,807
Shaq belt in kung fu,

128
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,642
and now
the Big Aristotle dominates

129
00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:43,810
the late-night airwaves.

130
00:06:43,962 --> 00:06:46,129
He is living proof that anybody

131
00:06:46,148 --> 00:06:47,631
can make their dreams come true.

132
00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:51,317
You're right. If I could just
think of one thing to sell

133
00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:54,061
that nobody needs
and everybody wants,

134
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,396
I could pay off my bills

135
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,141
and be a super-success
like Shaq.

136
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,326
And you, Big Milhouse,
stop whining.

137
00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:02,236
Somebody calls
your family a loser,

138
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:03,980
you stand up for yourself.

139
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:05,815
I will.

140
00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:12,172
On behalf of the school board,
I declare

141
00:07:12,324 --> 00:07:14,340
school is officially reopened.

142
00:07:14,493 --> 00:07:18,103
Let the free childcare and
intermittent learning resume.

143
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,772
I'm here to officially protest
the teaching

144
00:07:20,924 --> 00:07:23,442
of the Great Springfield
Gazebo Disaster.

145
00:07:23,518 --> 00:07:25,852
It makes our children
hate our town

146
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,854
and me hate myself.

147
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,355
The Gazebo Disaster?

148
00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:32,525
But we plan to tread water
on that unit for months.

149
00:07:32,602 --> 00:07:33,843
We're doing two weeks

150
00:07:33,862 --> 00:07:36,696
on the substandard
metal bracing alone.

151
00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:37,864
Not anymore.

152
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,699
I demand that you ban

153
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,368
Critical Brace Theory now.

154
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,871
Sir, we're not changing
our curriculum

155
00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:47,707
just to shore up
the wet cardboard lean-to

156
00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:50,026
that is your family self-esteem.

157
00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:51,878
Then you leave me one choice.

158
00:07:52,030 --> 00:07:54,030
Until you meet my demands,

159
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:57,200
I'm going to play this trumpet,
on which

160
00:07:57,293 --> 00:08:00,537
I have no formal training.

161
00:08:02,224 --> 00:08:04,632
- Aah!
- Mr. Van Houten, if we,

162
00:08:04,726 --> 00:08:05,892
uh, if we could just...

163
00:08:06,044 --> 00:08:08,561
Look, there's no need
for brass instruments.

164
00:08:08,714 --> 00:08:11,548
For 30 years,
we've been pleading with parents

165
00:08:11,566 --> 00:08:13,049
to get more involved.

166
00:08:13,068 --> 00:08:15,494
What the hell were we thinking?

167
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,076
I know Kirk is angry,

168
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:24,872
but I'm a little worried
this meeting

169
00:08:24,896 --> 00:08:26,654
will go off the rails.

170
00:08:26,823 --> 00:08:28,507
Marge, stop saying things.

171
00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,750
I'm trying to think
of an amazing product

172
00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:32,569
that can get us out of debt.

173
00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:34,404
Uh... um...

174
00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:36,998
Handgun Underpants?
Mm, no.

175
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,833
Uh, Bucket in a Box?

176
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,002
Spoon 2.0?
Steak Bedazzler?

177
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,262
Oh...

178
00:08:42,414 --> 00:08:44,505
Yes, we are all here

179
00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:47,842
because one lone parent
raised an issue

180
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:50,103
that he thinks
is worth me missing

181
00:08:50,255 --> 00:08:52,013
the new Equalizer starring

182
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,848
that delightful Queen Latifah.

183
00:08:53,942 --> 00:08:56,350
Kirk!
You, regrettably,

184
00:08:56,444 --> 00:08:57,761
have the floor.

185
00:08:57,929 --> 00:08:59,220
We need to stop teaching

186
00:08:59,222 --> 00:09:03,024
that my great-grandfather's
gazebo was a disaster.

187
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,710
But it was,
and it was his fault.

188
00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:09,196
His dying words were, "My bad."

189
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,957
So?
Why can't our kids learn

190
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:13,034
about things that make
our town proud?

191
00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:15,111
Like, how if you want
to make a right on red,

192
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:16,963
it's usually not a problem.

193
00:09:17,115 --> 00:09:19,874
Why do we have to focus
on the bad stuff?

194
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,954
We completely disagree.

195
00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:28,808
It's essential that all of
Springfield's darkest chapters

196
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,902
The monorail,

197
00:09:31,129 --> 00:09:32,312
Lady Gaga's visit,

198
00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:34,406
and the gazebo collapse.

199
00:09:34,557 --> 00:09:37,242
If our kids aren't made to feel
ashamed of the past,

200
00:09:37,393 --> 00:09:40,987
how will they learn
to be ashamed of the future?

201
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,397
Look at my son.

202
00:09:43,491 --> 00:09:45,900
You think he needs
to feel worse about himself

203
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,828
than he already clearly does?

204
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:51,648
You are doing this to him!

205
00:09:53,743 --> 00:09:55,835
I agree with the bald lady.

206
00:09:55,912 --> 00:09:57,929
Why does history
have to be hurtful?

207
00:09:58,081 --> 00:09:59,598
Every book about World War II

208
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:01,933
makes the Germans the bad guys.

209
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,935
Stop teaching facts!

210
00:10:04,087 --> 00:10:05,937
Historical guilt is everything.

211
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,332
You snowflakes
are hurting our feelings.

212
00:10:09,425 --> 00:10:11,610
Those who cannot
remember the past

213
00:10:11,761 --> 00:10:13,519
are condemned to repeat it.

214
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:16,615
On the other hand, those
who cannot remember the past

215
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:18,933
are condemned to repeat it.

216
00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,435
People, people, people!
People.

217
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,030
We are not
going to settle this tonight.

218
00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:25,957
I move that we end this meeting

219
00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,109
with everyone
angry and dissatisfied.

220
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,461
All in favor?

221
00:10:29,612 --> 00:10:30,962
Boo!

222
00:10:31,189 --> 00:10:33,131
Wonderful.
It's unanimous.

223
00:10:33,324 --> 00:10:33,965
Mm.

224
00:10:34,192 --> 00:10:36,042
Dad, I know this
is a weird thing

225
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:38,136
for a son to say to his father,

226
00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:40,121
but I'm proud of you.

227
00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:42,715
You actually convinced people.

228
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,033
I did?

229
00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:45,885
You the man, Kirk.

230
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:49,038
- I am?
- No, you the my man.

231
00:10:49,132 --> 00:10:50,540
This marriage may have

232
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:53,068
just got un-sexless.

233
00:10:54,303 --> 00:10:56,655
It's so sad when people
can't get along.

234
00:10:56,806 --> 00:10:58,973
It causes upsetment.

235
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,142
Marge, people need to disagree

236
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,810
and have their voice
shouted over.

237
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,997
That's what democracy was.
Remember that?

238
00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:09,225
But everyone in this country
is so divided.

239
00:11:09,244 --> 00:11:12,420
Where will all
this hostility lead?

240
00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,156
I'll tell you
where it leads, Homer.

241
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:18,093
Straight to the bank...
The money bank.

242
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,403
This is the idea

243
00:11:20,422 --> 00:11:22,663
- you've been looking for.
- It is?

244
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:25,408
What's the one thing
every American has in common?

245
00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:28,019
They're furious all the time

246
00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:29,746
about everything.

247
00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:31,172
Ex-Shaq-ly.

248
00:11:31,266 --> 00:11:34,025
Now, think... how can you
make money from that?

249
00:11:34,177 --> 00:11:38,029
I know just what to do.

250
00:11:38,181 --> 00:11:39,513
Hurry up, everyone!

251
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,682
My thing's coming on.

252
00:11:41,776 --> 00:11:44,594
The thing
I never told you about.

253
00:11:44,687 --> 00:11:46,567
Are you full of anger
at your kids' school

254
00:11:46,765 --> 00:11:47,931
or at life in general?

255
00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:49,356
You know it.

256
00:11:49,451 --> 00:11:51,784
Well, now you can express
your scalding hot rage

257
00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:53,269
with the light-up "Me-Shirt."

258
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:57,198
Why, that's so obnoxious.
I love it.

259
00:11:57,292 --> 00:11:59,609
The Me-Shirt has dozens
of snappy slogans

260
00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:01,277
tailor-made
for your recently-acquired

261
00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:03,279
but deeply-held views.

262
00:12:03,298 --> 00:12:05,557
"Never Remember,"
"The Truth Will Make You Sad,"

263
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:08,284
and "Don't Teach on Me."

264
00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:10,803
Plus, the copper-infused fiber
that powers the lights

265
00:12:10,956 --> 00:12:12,546
gives you more energy

266
00:12:12,624 --> 00:12:15,049
and pushes all the blood
to your face.

267
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:19,053
I'll never look not angry again.

268
00:12:19,147 --> 00:12:21,555
Wow, Dad, way to milk
the rage-bucks

269
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:22,982
out of the red hat crowd.

270
00:12:23,134 --> 00:12:25,134
Well, I found it appalling.

271
00:12:25,136 --> 00:12:27,912
We have a shirt for you, too.

272
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,990
Oh, hi there.
You caught me wearing

273
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:32,809
my carbon-neutral light-up shirt

274
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:34,160
with progressive slogans like:

275
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:35,903
"Shame On Us,"I Know Best,"

276
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:40,425
and "Who farted? All the cows
raised by the beef industry!"

277
00:12:40,576 --> 00:12:41,742
That's despicable.

278
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:43,836
Though that fart slogan
makes a good point.

279
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,598
You're pitting people
against each other.

280
00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:50,584
Lisa, that's what the T-shirt
industry has always done,

281
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:52,512
ever since "I'm With Stupid."

282
00:12:52,664 --> 00:12:56,516
Now, Daddy's just giving
"stupid" a chance to respond.

283
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:58,960
Ooh!
They're responding.

284
00:12:59,187 --> 00:13:02,596
Tell me who you hate and
I'll get it right out to you.

285
00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:14,367
Yeah, I-I just
want to say one thing

286
00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:17,036
to your millions
and millions of viewers:

287
00:13:17,188 --> 00:13:20,465
I'm being silenced!

288
00:13:23,194 --> 00:13:25,804
In all this discord,
if there's one thing

289
00:13:25,955 --> 00:13:29,349
that can bring us all together,
it's the holidays.

290
00:13:29,425 --> 00:13:31,868
I don't know.
The Christmas spirit

291
00:13:31,886 --> 00:13:33,728
just feels different this year.

292
00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:37,398
- Nice shirt.
- Go to hell.

293
00:13:38,726 --> 00:13:41,377
Stop the celebration!

294
00:13:41,396 --> 00:13:44,564
Oh, for the love of nog,
these loonies again?

295
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,382
Yeah, and we won't stop looning

296
00:13:46,401 --> 00:13:50,328
until you stop teaching that
the gazebo was a disaster.

297
00:13:50,479 --> 00:13:52,071
But people died.

298
00:13:52,223 --> 00:13:54,907
That's why I'm an orphan.

299
00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,168
Oh, this guy's a crisis actor.

300
00:13:57,395 --> 00:13:59,412
How come every bad thing

301
00:13:59,564 --> 00:14:02,173
seems to conveniently
happen to him?

302
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:05,343
Aah! Aah!

303
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:08,996
We must never forget the gazebo,

304
00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,332
the victims
who lost their lives,

305
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,744
and the suitors
who lost their ukuleles.

306
00:14:14,762 --> 00:14:16,079
Martin?

307
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:34,038
My history!

308
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,540
My choice!

309
00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:37,876
Our gazebo was "noice!"

310
00:14:38,027 --> 00:14:39,860
Please, please, everyone.

311
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,621
It's the holidays.

312
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:44,215
Can't we just find common ground
and compromise?

313
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:47,385
I mean, the one thing
both sides can agree on

314
00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:50,613
is that we all
care about our kids,

315
00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,039
equally.

316
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:54,467
Marge, you are so right,

317
00:14:54,619 --> 00:14:56,636
but there's only one side
that I'm afraid

318
00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:59,546
will burn this whole
godforsaken town to the ground.

319
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,714
Burn it!

320
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,309
Stop teaching
the damn gazebo collapse.

321
00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:07,146
Mr. Mayor, my whole career,
I have fought tirelessly to...

322
00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:09,073
Damn it, Gary,
it's just one thing.

323
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:11,300
Fine.
Who gives a crap?

324
00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:14,746
Wow.
I actually won something.

325
00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,822
Let's get ready

326
00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:19,492
to meddle!

327
00:15:21,996 --> 00:15:25,331
Oh. I'm getting
a sick feeling in my stomach.

328
00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:28,426
Oh, don't worry so much, honey.

329
00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:31,170
People just want
to feel proud of our town.

330
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,006
And remember,
I'm still on the school board,

331
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,341
so I can be a guardrail

332
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,177
to keep Kirk's
worst impulses in check.

333
00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:41,497
I mean, how bad can it be?

334
00:15:50,099 --> 00:15:52,099
Wow, I can't believe
all this happened

335
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,160
in only three weeks.

336
00:16:01,686 --> 00:16:04,256
So the people surrendered
to Van Houten's wishes,

337
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,613
and his face was on everything,

338
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,040
even knishes.

339
00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:10,617
But for Springfield, the outcome

340
00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:12,804
was rather pernicious.

341
00:16:12,955 --> 00:16:15,789
It's the Channel 6
News with Kent Brockman.

342
00:16:22,207 --> 00:16:25,224
Brought to you by
Homer's House of Copper-ganda,

343
00:16:25,376 --> 00:16:28,969
your one-stop shop
for form-fitting Kirk-wear.

344
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,730
Good evening, and all hail Kirk.

345
00:16:30,882 --> 00:16:32,231
Our top story:

346
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,826
The Springfield bookmobile
visits a local landmark,

347
00:16:34,902 --> 00:16:37,478
which is getting a new name.

348
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,997
I re-christen thee

349
00:16:39,224 --> 00:16:40,647
The Eternal Flame

350
00:16:40,742 --> 00:16:43,226
of Redaction and Beauty.

351
00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:45,745
You said you'd only burn
half the books.

352
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,321
Half? No way.

353
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,232
This is all part of my plan

354
00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:53,052
to turn eyesores
into pride-sores.

355
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,357
I didn't sleep a wink.

356
00:17:06,584 --> 00:17:10,153
I can fix that.
I'll adjust your copper number.

357
00:17:12,973 --> 00:17:15,349
Aah!

358
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,018
Homer, things are terrible
in this town.

359
00:17:18,112 --> 00:17:20,112
Kirk got a little bit
of power to control

360
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,540
what the kids learn
and he went cuckoo with it,

361
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:24,267
and we helped him.

362
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,951
I just really thought I could be

363
00:17:26,104 --> 00:17:28,195
the grown-up in the room.

364
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,364
Yeah, 'cause that always works.

365
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,217
I've got to do something
to save Springfield

366
00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:35,219
and I need you to help me.

367
00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,114
Great idea.
What's in it for me?

368
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,707
Homer, what does it profit a man

369
00:17:40,802 --> 00:17:42,134
if he gains the world

370
00:17:42,287 --> 00:17:44,470
but loses his soul?

371
00:17:44,622 --> 00:17:46,547
Uh, he gains the world.

372
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,958
I got to put that on a shirt.

373
00:17:48,976 --> 00:17:50,401
D'oh...

374
00:17:54,723 --> 00:17:56,465
Hey there, great leader.

375
00:17:56,484 --> 00:17:59,635
You're looking especially
non-repulsive today.

376
00:17:59,637 --> 00:18:02,988
With great power comes great
"you have to like me."

377
00:18:03,141 --> 00:18:04,990
Mwah.

378
00:18:06,735 --> 00:18:08,811
Um, uh, e-excuse me.

379
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:11,589
Marge, my guardrail.
Have a seat.

380
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,318
So, what's the good word?

381
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,929
And I only want good words.

382
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,747
Ugh. I know you don't
want to hear it, Kirk,

383
00:18:20,916 --> 00:18:23,326
but our schools are a disaster.

384
00:18:23,344 --> 00:18:24,936
Reading levels have plummeted

385
00:18:25,087 --> 00:18:27,921
because there are no books left
for kids to read.

386
00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:30,924
Sure, but those books
were bummers.

387
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,110
They're not bummers,

388
00:18:32,261 --> 00:18:34,094
they're the sum
of human knowledge.

389
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,173
You can't base
an entire society on ignorance

390
00:18:37,191 --> 00:18:39,342
and forgetting the past.

391
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,952
Hmm.

392
00:18:41,103 --> 00:18:43,679
Marge, thank you
for telling me all this.

393
00:18:43,698 --> 00:18:45,123
Top-notch guardrailing.

394
00:18:45,274 --> 00:18:49,460
I know now this moment
calls for serious action.

395
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,130
Damn it.

396
00:18:54,375 --> 00:18:56,283
So how about this gazebo?

397
00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:59,137
It's twice as big
as the original...

398
00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:01,639
which never existed.

399
00:19:04,293 --> 00:19:07,036
I declare we have won the war

400
00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,813
against history.

401
00:19:10,966 --> 00:19:12,725
It's time to rock out

402
00:19:12,877 --> 00:19:14,735
with your Kirk out.

403
00:19:15,897 --> 00:19:19,198
The past never happened!

404
00:19:28,017 --> 00:19:29,149
What is happening?

405
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,169
Uh, the electricity
running through

406
00:19:31,396 --> 00:19:33,654
everyone's copper T-shirts
has created

407
00:19:33,748 --> 00:19:35,322
a massive electrical field

408
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:38,083
and a full-fledged
magnetic disturbance.

409
00:19:38,236 --> 00:19:39,735
Dumb it down for us.

410
00:19:39,754 --> 00:19:41,070
Well, I just did.

411
00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:46,742
Soup crackers!

412
00:20:00,942 --> 00:20:02,591
Attention, everyone.

413
00:20:02,593 --> 00:20:05,369
We learned something
very important today.

414
00:20:05,596 --> 00:20:07,613
You can try to ignore history,

415
00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,782
but not science.

416
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:11,934
No matter how much we deny it,

417
00:20:12,027 --> 00:20:13,769
science is real,

418
00:20:13,862 --> 00:20:16,455
and we must not anger her.

419
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,224
And that became known as

420
00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:29,285
Springfield's
Craziest, Kirkiest,

421
00:20:29,303 --> 00:20:33,122
Stupidest, Bloopidest Day.

422
00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:36,475
How dare you teach
that horrible story to my child.

423
00:20:36,627 --> 00:20:38,794
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

424
00:20:38,813 --> 00:20:40,796
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

425
00:20:40,798 --> 00:20:42,798
and TOYOTA.

426
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,400
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

427
00:21:27,862 --> 00:21:29,370
Shh.

428
00:21:29,394 --> 00:21:31,394
>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org