1
00:00:17,338 --> 00:00:20,836
Finally, a galaxy without trolls.

2
00:00:20,838 --> 00:00:22,211
Huh?

3
00:00:32,213 --> 00:00:34,877
Your reign of muscly heroism

4
00:00:34,879 --> 00:00:37,503
ends here, Flexulon.

5
00:00:44,713 --> 00:00:47,044
Soar high, my golden friend.

6
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:50,419
For today, we die another day.

7
00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:02,877
Next stop, the dank sticky
jungles of Bong-ulon Five.

8
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:06,836
Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat

9
00:01:06,838 --> 00:01:09,002
that whole pan of acid brownies.

10
00:01:09,004 --> 00:01:12,158
In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool,

11
00:01:12,193 --> 00:01:14,461
and I was right.

12
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:20,002
So, since Otto
has disappeared with our bus

13
00:01:20,004 --> 00:01:21,836
and our brownie pans,

14
00:01:21,838 --> 00:01:24,545
parents will have to drive
their own children to school.

15
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,086
Well, fewer of you would have to drive

16
00:01:30,088 --> 00:01:32,836
if you sat down and
arranged a carpool schedule.

17
00:01:34,879 --> 00:01:36,086
I'll kill you!

18
00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:37,961
Or your children could walk to school

19
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:40,002
so none of you have to do anything.

20
00:01:41,879 --> 00:01:43,253
Walking it is.

21
00:01:43,255 --> 00:01:45,794
However, we do need one parent volunteer

22
00:01:45,796 --> 00:01:47,128
to complete our team of

23
00:01:47,130 --> 00:01:48,961
noble crossing guards.

24
00:01:50,171 --> 00:01:53,253
Just, uh,
one engaged parent is all we need.

25
00:01:55,004 --> 00:01:57,044
Hell yeah! You know I'm in.

26
00:01:57,046 --> 00:01:59,342
I've been waiting for
this my whole life.

27
00:01:59,377 --> 00:02:01,128
Homer Simpson. Wonderful.

28
00:02:01,130 --> 00:02:02,752
Hmm? What'd he say?

29
00:02:02,754 --> 00:02:05,670
I was watching the trailer for
the Revenge of the Nerds reboot.

30
00:02:05,672 --> 00:02:07,877
John Cena is playing Booger.

31
00:02:07,879 --> 00:02:11,419
Homer, you just volunteered.

32
00:02:11,421 --> 00:02:13,503
Dear God.

33
00:02:13,505 --> 00:02:15,294
No. Stop. Yield.

34
00:02:15,296 --> 00:02:18,836
Well, he's got the lingo down.
This guy's a natural.

35
00:02:19,921 --> 00:02:20,920
Now I got to wake up

36
00:02:20,921 --> 00:02:22,586
at the butt-crack of dawn

37
00:02:22,588 --> 00:02:25,752
to walk loser kids
across some loser street.

38
00:02:26,641 --> 00:02:28,545
Never have children, Lenny.

39
00:02:29,512 --> 00:02:31,044
You don't have to worry about that.

40
00:02:31,046 --> 00:02:33,253
See, I was born without...

41
00:02:33,255 --> 00:02:37,264
What the...? We've got a code
blue in 7-G. Repeat, code blue.

42
00:02:39,654 --> 00:02:40,863
Anyhoo,

43
00:02:40,898 --> 00:02:43,128
you notice there's an apple for
sale in the vending machine?

44
00:02:44,021 --> 00:02:45,794
I mean, who would buy that?

45
00:02:47,505 --> 00:02:50,419
- Double the coolant levels, now.
- I'm on it.

46
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:52,002
Backup pumps on standby.

47
00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:54,564
Carlson,
decrease the steam valves by 60p.

48
00:02:54,599 --> 00:02:55,752
Leonard, the control rods.

49
00:02:55,754 --> 00:02:58,128
You, glasses, pray for all our souls.

50
00:02:58,130 --> 00:03:00,710
Now, switch generators on my count.

51
00:03:00,712 --> 00:03:02,169
Five.

52
00:03:02,171 --> 00:03:03,211
- Four.

53
00:03:03,213 --> 00:03:05,545
- Three.

54
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:07,419
Two.

55
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,503
Implement.

56
00:03:13,796 --> 00:03:16,253
- We did it!
- Boolah, boolah.

57
00:03:17,086 --> 00:03:18,328
Um, fellas?

58
00:03:18,363 --> 00:03:21,378
I'm the nuclear safety guy, right?

59
00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:25,211
Shouldn't my console have been
doing all that beepy stuff?

60
00:03:25,213 --> 00:03:28,169
- Yeah, um, uh...
- Uh, you see...

61
00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:31,699
We kind of made it so that
just my console does that now.

62
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:34,545
We just figured
we'd lighten your load, buddy,

63
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,461
since you already do so much.

64
00:03:36,463 --> 00:03:38,530
Like the March madness brackets.

65
00:03:38,565 --> 00:03:40,836
And you're the go-getter who implemented

66
00:03:40,838 --> 00:03:42,476
Jean-short Wednesdays.

67
00:03:43,463 --> 00:03:45,244
Are you guys saying

68
00:03:45,246 --> 00:03:47,586
I've never kept anyone safe?

69
00:03:47,588 --> 00:03:51,294
Oh, sure you have, Homer.
Just... by not doing anything.

70
00:03:57,754 --> 00:03:59,919
My console isn't even plugged in.

71
00:03:59,921 --> 00:04:02,503
I opened it,
and it's full of cleaning supplies

72
00:04:02,505 --> 00:04:05,294
and unsold Mr. Burns funkos.

73
00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,503
This whole time I thought I mattered,

74
00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:10,669
but I don't and I never did.

75
00:04:10,671 --> 00:04:12,390
Well, you matter to me,

76
00:04:12,425 --> 00:04:16,175
especially since it's Wednesday night.

77
00:04:16,210 --> 00:04:19,461
Oh. Right. Scheduled sex.

78
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:24,294
Okay, here we go...

79
00:04:24,296 --> 00:04:27,128
- Just give me a second here.
- Come on, just...

80
00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:30,002
Almost... Um...

81
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:31,627
Uh, sweetie?

82
00:04:31,629 --> 00:04:34,919
It seems like your light saber
doesn't want to go "shwoom."

83
00:04:34,921 --> 00:04:37,710
Did you go "Han Solo" earlier tonight?

84
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,710
I guess I'm useless everywhere.

85
00:04:40,712 --> 00:04:42,336
I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow

86
00:04:42,338 --> 00:04:45,336
and suck my nightstand ketchup packets.

87
00:04:46,925 --> 00:04:49,378
Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00

88
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:51,877
- to be a crossing guard.
- D'oh!

89
00:04:51,879 --> 00:04:54,461
What do you guys think happened to Otto?

90
00:04:54,463 --> 00:04:55,585
- Jail.
- Jail.

91
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,627
- Jail.
- Maybe he just got tired

92
00:04:57,629 --> 00:05:00,450
of always running from the darkness.

93
00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,752
Oh, God, there's Dad.

94
00:05:02,754 --> 00:05:05,253
Please don't let him embarrass us.

95
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,812
Well, well,

96
00:05:06,814 --> 00:05:10,461
time to help the baby
brigade cross the road.

97
00:05:13,215 --> 00:05:14,344
Oh, no.

98
00:05:15,405 --> 00:05:17,544
I deserve your respect,

99
00:05:17,546 --> 00:05:19,461
you little jerks.

100
00:05:21,213 --> 00:05:23,394
Stupid kids. Without me,

101
00:05:23,429 --> 00:05:25,503
they'd be stuck on
one side of the street

102
00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:27,211
for the rest of their lives.

103
00:05:27,650 --> 00:05:31,077
Haw-haw! Got your octagonal sign.

104
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:32,119
Hey, give me that!

105
00:05:32,121 --> 00:05:34,253
I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop!

106
00:05:34,255 --> 00:05:35,919
No, you stop.

107
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:38,501
D'oh!

108
00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:44,752
I'm a streetwalker.

109
00:05:46,417 --> 00:05:49,419
Oh, no. I'm late for my AA meeting.

110
00:05:50,879 --> 00:05:52,961
Hey there, gorgeous.

111
00:05:54,361 --> 00:05:55,529
Hmm?

112
00:05:59,829 --> 00:06:01,253
Whoa.

113
00:06:01,255 --> 00:06:03,919
My whole life just
flashed through my pants.

114
00:06:03,921 --> 00:06:05,502
Way to go, Homer!

115
00:06:05,504 --> 00:06:08,253
You just saved this balding
little scamp's life.

116
00:06:08,255 --> 00:06:11,044
- All right, Homer.
- You did it, Dad!

117
00:06:11,046 --> 00:06:13,253
How about one for the paper, Mr. S.

118
00:06:14,754 --> 00:06:16,378
I saved someone's life.

119
00:06:16,380 --> 00:06:17,951
You hear that, world?

120
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,794
Homer Simpson matters!

121
00:06:21,671 --> 00:06:24,597
Oh, right. How about one of these?

122
00:06:24,632 --> 00:06:26,294
- Whoo.
- Whee!

123
00:06:30,881 --> 00:06:33,612
The last two endangered pandas
on earth died today

124
00:06:33,655 --> 00:06:37,169
in what zoo investigators are
calling a grisly murder-suicide.

125
00:06:37,171 --> 00:06:40,294
Adios, pandas.
We'll see you at the crossroads.

126
00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:43,002
We wrap up tonight's
nightly reading of horrors

127
00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:45,460
with a new optimistic
segment I like to call

128
00:06:45,462 --> 00:06:47,460
"Chicken Soup for the News."

129
00:06:48,679 --> 00:06:51,003
The small-town crossing guard.

130
00:06:51,546 --> 00:06:55,127
A job most Americans consider
as charming as it is pointless.

131
00:06:55,162 --> 00:06:56,683
Until last week,

132
00:06:56,718 --> 00:06:59,002
when local hero Homer
Simpson risked his life

133
00:06:59,004 --> 00:07:02,211
to save one pumpkin-headed little boy.

134
00:07:02,246 --> 00:07:03,877
And now, Simpson has become something

135
00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:06,225
of a curbside celebrity.

136
00:07:06,782 --> 00:07:09,002
What can Springfield do to
show its love and appreciation

137
00:07:09,004 --> 00:07:10,710
for local crossing guards?

138
00:07:10,712 --> 00:07:13,502
I don't know. I guess
we could use some new equipment.

139
00:07:13,504 --> 00:07:15,336
These lawn chairs aren't very comfy

140
00:07:15,338 --> 00:07:19,088
and these old sashes don't exactly
"lift and support."

141
00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:20,176
But you know what, Kent?

142
00:07:20,211 --> 00:07:22,502
Keeping kids safe is its own reward.

143
00:07:23,306 --> 00:07:25,710
God bless that saintly doughball.

144
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:28,988
That's it, I'm giving
Springfield's crossing guards

145
00:07:29,023 --> 00:07:30,323
an actual budget.

146
00:07:30,358 --> 00:07:32,460
Not for self-serving political reasons,

147
00:07:32,462 --> 00:07:34,317
but because I'm a man of principle

148
00:07:34,352 --> 00:07:36,338
who wants to do good in the world.

149
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,383
Joseph, your turn
on the sex chess board.

150
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:42,027
We can't very well
play without our king.

151
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,793
Though the bishop may try.

152
00:07:50,462 --> 00:07:53,316
Wow, look at all this orange swag.

153
00:07:53,351 --> 00:07:55,127
And that's just the beginning.

154
00:07:55,129 --> 00:07:57,169
Now you'll be getting
a full-time salary.

155
00:07:57,171 --> 00:07:59,460
Ah, sweet cellophane Sally.

156
00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:01,252
First, I get paid to be the timer

157
00:08:01,254 --> 00:08:03,752
at a chess-themed sex orgy,
and now this.

158
00:08:03,754 --> 00:08:06,501
Homer, as the fella
whose heroism got us here,

159
00:08:06,503 --> 00:08:09,835
I nominate you as
crossing guard captain.

160
00:08:13,782 --> 00:08:15,501
Ooh.

161
00:08:15,503 --> 00:08:18,294
Look at my handsome man in uniform.

162
00:08:18,296 --> 00:08:19,877
I don't know, Homer.

163
00:08:19,879 --> 00:08:22,918
The only people that wear
badges are power-hungry chumps

164
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,252
who want to keep the little guy down.

165
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:28,229
Are you talking about
that security guard at the supermarket?

166
00:08:28,264 --> 00:08:30,543
I wasn't trying to break
the gumball machine.

167
00:08:30,545 --> 00:08:32,835
I was just trying to shake out a purple.

168
00:08:32,837 --> 00:08:33,877
Well, I'm proud of you, Dad.

169
00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:36,127
Volunteering to serve the community

170
00:08:36,129 --> 00:08:38,127
is the highest calling there is.

171
00:08:38,129 --> 00:08:39,418
You know what's even better?

172
00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:43,189
Volunteering for money.
We're getting paid now.

173
00:08:43,224 --> 00:08:45,668
I even got a budget for ten more guards.

174
00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:48,668
And I'm only gonna hire
the best and the brightest.

175
00:08:48,670 --> 00:08:50,085
All right, rookies.

176
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:53,002
Not all of you are going to
make it through training.

177
00:08:53,004 --> 00:08:56,090
Look to your left,
now look to your right.

178
00:08:56,125 --> 00:08:58,376
That's how you know if a car is coming.

179
00:08:58,378 --> 00:09:00,376
That concludes your training.

180
00:09:00,378 --> 00:09:03,210
Heya, Homer. I-I can't thank you enough

181
00:09:03,212 --> 00:09:04,860
for saving my Ralphy's life.

182
00:09:04,895 --> 00:09:07,846
Of course, Chief. Just doing my job.

183
00:09:08,129 --> 00:09:09,960
If you ever need a
parking ticket thrown out

184
00:09:09,962 --> 00:09:13,698
or someone else's DNA left somewhere,
you just let me know.

185
00:09:14,879 --> 00:09:16,501
Yarr, captain.

186
00:09:16,503 --> 00:09:19,835
He didn't seek your permission
to cross the seven stripes.

187
00:09:19,837 --> 00:09:21,293
Crossing guard Stu

188
00:09:21,295 --> 00:09:24,127
thinks he's undermining you.

189
00:09:24,129 --> 00:09:26,543
Where's the fire, buddy?

190
00:09:26,545 --> 00:09:28,418
Do you know how jay you
were walking there, sir?

191
00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:30,585
I-I-I don't know what that means.

192
00:09:30,587 --> 00:09:32,335
All right, wise guy,
I'm gonna have to ask you

193
00:09:32,337 --> 00:09:33,501
to step out of the curb.

194
00:09:33,503 --> 00:09:35,256
And keep your feet where I can see them.

195
00:09:35,291 --> 00:09:37,418
I can't even see them.

196
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:38,668
Sir, calm down.

197
00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:41,139
Look, I can let you off
with a warning this time,

198
00:09:41,174 --> 00:09:44,127
but just so you know,
I run these streets.

199
00:09:44,129 --> 00:09:46,501
I... what? No, you don't, I do.

200
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,127
Well, I run all the parts
between the curbs. Got it?

201
00:09:49,129 --> 00:09:51,002
Ooh, these are nice.

202
00:09:51,004 --> 00:09:52,460
I'm gonna hold onto them,

203
00:09:52,462 --> 00:09:54,460
unless you have a problem with that?

204
00:09:54,462 --> 00:09:57,210
Yeah, no, no problem at all,
um, uh, "cross-ifer."

205
00:09:57,212 --> 00:09:58,960
Just have-have a nice day.

206
00:09:58,962 --> 00:10:00,627
Stupid crossing guards,

207
00:10:00,629 --> 00:10:03,752
think they're so tough with
their cool orange vests.

208
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,501
Another curb kept safe

209
00:10:06,503 --> 00:10:09,448
by captain Homer J. Simpson. Boys?

210
00:10:19,837 --> 00:10:23,044
H-Here's that pitcher you asked for,
squeaky voice.

211
00:10:23,046 --> 00:10:25,127
That's Mr. Teen to you, rookie.

212
00:10:25,129 --> 00:10:27,418
These new guys got no respect.

213
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:30,259
It ain't like when we
started three weeks ago.

214
00:10:30,294 --> 00:10:32,376
Homer, I've been trying to reach you.

215
00:10:32,378 --> 00:10:36,209
Whoa, there, Skinner.
This bar is crossing guards only now.

216
00:10:36,211 --> 00:10:39,002
I don't even let Lenny
and Carl in here no more.

217
00:10:40,046 --> 00:10:42,251
Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo?

218
00:10:42,253 --> 00:10:45,335
Tomorrow is the science fair,
bake sale, and picture day.

219
00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:47,793
Morning drop-off will
be very challenging.

220
00:10:47,795 --> 00:10:50,376
Now, uh, I'm not telling you
how to do your job...

221
00:10:50,378 --> 00:10:52,585
Are you telling me how to do my job?

222
00:10:52,587 --> 00:10:55,169
No, I specifically said I'm not
telling you how to do your job.

223
00:10:55,171 --> 00:10:58,710
That's enough, Principal what's-ya-face.

224
00:10:58,712 --> 00:11:01,127
No pedestrians allowed.

225
00:11:01,162 --> 00:11:03,002
But, Homer, if we don't get this right,

226
00:11:03,004 --> 00:11:05,668
it could be pandemonium.

227
00:11:05,936 --> 00:11:07,335
Pandemonium.

228
00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:10,099
It's pandemonium, folks.
This is Arnie Pye,

229
00:11:10,134 --> 00:11:13,376
reporting live high above an
elementary school traffic jam

230
00:11:13,378 --> 00:11:16,209
turned all-out scholastic fracas.

231
00:11:16,211 --> 00:11:18,543
Surely this town's handsomely
paid crossing guards

232
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:21,956
can bring order to this
Monday morning mayhem.

233
00:11:21,991 --> 00:11:23,168
Oh, oh.

234
00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:25,659
Guys, stop it!

235
00:11:32,337 --> 00:11:35,085
The punching is making things worse.

236
00:11:35,087 --> 00:11:38,204
Don't make me blow my whistle at you.

237
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,044
Captain Simpson, the shaking of my car

238
00:11:40,046 --> 00:11:41,418
is dangerously close to mixing

239
00:11:41,420 --> 00:11:45,085
the hydrogen peroxide,
yeast, and dish soap within.

240
00:11:45,087 --> 00:11:47,168
- So?
- Those ingredients create

241
00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:49,126
a fascinating yet volatile substance

242
00:11:49,128 --> 00:11:51,168
known as...

243
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:54,418
elephant toothpaste.

244
00:11:55,462 --> 00:11:57,877
This was the most expensive,
destructive,

245
00:11:57,879 --> 00:12:01,412
and disgusting riot since
the Isotopes won the pennant.

246
00:12:01,447 --> 00:12:02,335
Go Topes.

247
00:12:02,337 --> 00:12:04,251
Crossing guard captain Homer Simpson,

248
00:12:04,253 --> 00:12:06,427
what do you have to say for yourself?

249
00:12:08,517 --> 00:12:10,376
Um... um...

250
00:12:10,378 --> 00:12:13,168
Ooh! What can I do?
Who can I blame? Coastal elites?

251
00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:16,585
Avocado socialists? The boy?
I've got it.

252
00:12:16,587 --> 00:12:20,044
Mr. Mayor, the blame falls
squarely on the shoulders

253
00:12:20,046 --> 00:12:23,752
of the crossing guards...'s
inadequate budget.

254
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:25,293
We need more money!

255
00:12:26,743 --> 00:12:28,263
More money?

256
00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:31,376
More money for training,
for equipment, for overtime,

257
00:12:31,378 --> 00:12:33,793
so that your children can
cross the street safely

258
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,710
at 3:00 A.M. if they want to.

259
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,752
Throwing money at a
deeply flawed institution

260
00:12:41,754 --> 00:12:43,581
is bound to work.

261
00:12:43,616 --> 00:12:46,376
Um, have you all been
huffing evidence powder?

262
00:12:46,378 --> 00:12:48,335
Homer Simpson and his chair-jockeys

263
00:12:48,337 --> 00:12:50,918
royally screwed the pooch on this one.

264
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,750
And now you want to give him more money?

265
00:12:52,785 --> 00:12:54,918
That makes absolutely no sense.

266
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,960
Listen up, wokester.

267
00:12:56,962 --> 00:12:59,168
Guys like me are the
last line of defense

268
00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:01,960
between your school
kids and guys like me

269
00:13:01,962 --> 00:13:03,877
who text when they drive.

270
00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:05,877
And if you don't like it,

271
00:13:05,879 --> 00:13:09,835
you can jaywalk your
ass back to Portland.

272
00:13:11,985 --> 00:13:13,710
- Wha...?
- All in favor of me

273
00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:15,627
pulling a political 180 on this issue

274
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:19,043
and giving the crossing guards
a blank check, say "aye."

275
00:13:19,045 --> 00:13:21,126
- Aye.
- Nay.

276
00:13:21,128 --> 00:13:23,249
Somebody get my enormous checkbook.

277
00:13:25,557 --> 00:13:26,560
It worked.

278
00:13:26,562 --> 00:13:29,000
Maybe I should've asked them
for more, just in case.

279
00:13:29,034 --> 00:13:31,376
And, uh, here's some more, just in case.

280
00:13:36,462 --> 00:13:38,168
Ooh, these beanbag bazookas

281
00:13:38,170 --> 00:13:39,918
can shatter a minivan windshield.

282
00:13:40,413 --> 00:13:43,043
And it comes with a beanbag bandolier.

283
00:13:43,045 --> 00:13:45,918
Look at you and your huge budget.

284
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,126
My big, strong leader in the streets

285
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:51,877
and in the sheets... the bedsheets.

286
00:13:51,879 --> 00:13:55,146
I like that we kept our
sunglasses on last night.

287
00:13:55,181 --> 00:13:56,918
I couldn't see a thing.

288
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,335
Wow, look at all this cool stuff.

289
00:13:59,337 --> 00:14:02,918
You are an all-powerful crossing God.

290
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,168
I thought you said badges were lame?

291
00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:07,209
Hey, like everyone who
comes into a ton of cash,

292
00:14:07,211 --> 00:14:10,126
I've flip-flopped to
the side of authority.

293
00:14:12,205 --> 00:14:14,576
Oh, you're charging me, Francine?

294
00:14:14,638 --> 00:14:17,052
Even though I keep your
kids safe every morning?

295
00:14:17,054 --> 00:14:18,761
Aiden? Charlotte?

296
00:14:18,763 --> 00:14:20,928
Nearsighted Nicholas?

297
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:22,553
Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house.

298
00:14:22,555 --> 00:14:24,678
Thank you for your service, hero.

299
00:14:25,344 --> 00:14:27,845
I don't even have kids,
but this guy scares me.

300
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:29,595
Um, Dad,

301
00:14:29,597 --> 00:14:33,011
I worry that this massive
increase in money and power

302
00:14:33,013 --> 00:14:35,011
is subtly corrupting you.

303
00:14:35,679 --> 00:14:37,386
Oh, honey, relax.

304
00:14:37,388 --> 00:14:39,969
There's nothing subtle about it.

305
00:15:03,264 --> 00:15:04,797
Move, move, move!

306
00:15:06,513 --> 00:15:08,261
Nice job, squeaks.

307
00:15:08,263 --> 00:15:11,377
Moleman, you got a couple of SJWs...
suspected jaywalkers...

308
00:15:11,379 --> 00:15:14,469
at three o'clock.
Engage with extreme hostility.

309
00:15:14,471 --> 00:15:16,803
Copy. Gun safety

310
00:15:16,805 --> 00:15:18,761
and body cam off.

311
00:15:20,513 --> 00:15:23,303
Mm... Simpson and his orange shirts

312
00:15:23,305 --> 00:15:25,887
are harassing citizens
with complete disregard

313
00:15:25,889 --> 00:15:27,177
for their civil rights.

314
00:15:27,179 --> 00:15:29,219
I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails

315
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:31,094
and nine-figure lawsuits.

316
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:34,011
Well, you could always, uh...

317
00:15:34,013 --> 00:15:36,386
decrease their budget a bit.

318
00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:38,595
Defund us?

319
00:15:38,597 --> 00:15:41,343
My department does not
have too much money.

320
00:15:41,378 --> 00:15:43,895
How did you know what
we were talking about?

321
00:15:43,930 --> 00:15:46,615
Uh, surveillance satellite.

322
00:15:48,062 --> 00:15:50,886
Aw, geez, we wanted one of those.

323
00:15:50,888 --> 00:15:52,970
Uh, captain Simpson,

324
00:15:53,005 --> 00:15:54,761
your crossing guards now take up

325
00:15:54,763 --> 00:15:57,279
the vast majority of this town's budget.

326
00:15:57,314 --> 00:16:00,678
We have no choice but to
trim your budget by...

327
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,886
1.5 percent.

328
00:16:03,928 --> 00:16:06,219
One point...

329
00:16:06,221 --> 00:16:08,219
Sir, you're about to learn

330
00:16:08,221 --> 00:16:11,760
the crossing guards are uncrossable.

331
00:16:14,305 --> 00:16:17,969
Where's the nice man who helps us cross?

332
00:16:17,971 --> 00:16:20,177
I heard he lost his funding.

333
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:22,639
Let's just go by ourselves.

334
00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:29,803
Welcome to mayor
Quimby's Springfield,

335
00:16:29,805 --> 00:16:32,911
two less kids.

336
00:16:32,946 --> 00:16:34,386
Quimby and his fat-cop cronies

337
00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:36,094
want to flood the streets
with door-dashers,

338
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,052
rolling stoppers,

339
00:16:38,054 --> 00:16:39,862
and yellow-light speeder-uppers.

340
00:16:39,897 --> 00:16:42,844
Joe Quimby. Bad for Springfield.

341
00:16:42,846 --> 00:16:44,553
Worse for America.

342
00:16:46,478 --> 00:16:48,052
A smear ad?

343
00:16:48,054 --> 00:16:50,344
It's not even an election year.

344
00:16:50,791 --> 00:16:52,370
Is it?

345
00:16:52,405 --> 00:16:54,066
Homer Simpson can bully this town,

346
00:16:54,101 --> 00:16:56,344
its citizens, and their young children,

347
00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:58,741
but he cannot bully me.

348
00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:01,761
Clancy, shut him down.

349
00:17:01,763 --> 00:17:03,803
With pleasure.

350
00:17:04,929 --> 00:17:07,094
My anti-Quimby ad got a million likes

351
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:09,678
on my "Thin Orange Line" Facebook page.

352
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,720
Look at all these supportive comments.

353
00:17:11,722 --> 00:17:12,969
"Murder Quimby,"

354
00:17:12,971 --> 00:17:14,906
"Dismember Quimby,"

355
00:17:14,941 --> 00:17:17,678
"Go back in time and kill baby Quimby."

356
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,094
Ah, the Internet,

357
00:17:19,096 --> 00:17:21,177
the marketplace of ideas.

358
00:17:21,179 --> 00:17:24,969
You're endangering the
lives of public officials.

359
00:17:24,971 --> 00:17:27,969
Oh, come on,
I'm just slinging a little mud.

360
00:17:27,971 --> 00:17:29,595
What's the worst that could happen?

361
00:17:32,561 --> 00:17:33,898
Dear God...

362
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,011
That chair was my best
friend on the force.

363
00:17:39,013 --> 00:17:41,011
Who would dare do this?

364
00:17:41,013 --> 00:17:42,927
Me would dare.

365
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:46,678
When you mess with the pig,
you get the snout.

366
00:17:48,096 --> 00:17:50,425
This is a chair too far, Wiggum.

367
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,459
My crossing guards and your cops

368
00:17:52,494 --> 00:17:54,011
need to settle this once and for all,

369
00:17:54,013 --> 00:17:57,094
at the most dangerous place in town.

370
00:17:57,096 --> 00:17:59,219
What, that Brunchausen by Loxy Place

371
00:17:59,221 --> 00:18:01,428
that's been poisoning
everyone for attention?

372
00:18:01,430 --> 00:18:05,303
No. The six-way intersection.

373
00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:09,094
Well, well,

374
00:18:09,096 --> 00:18:13,404
I thought cops only showed up
after something bad happens.

375
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:17,802
We are sick of you crossing guards

376
00:18:17,804 --> 00:18:20,011
and your unaccountable, super-macho,

377
00:18:20,013 --> 00:18:24,611
hyper-sensitive,
crazily militarized malarkey.

378
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,553
That's our thing, damn it.

379
00:18:26,555 --> 00:18:28,636
No, that's our thing.

380
00:18:28,638 --> 00:18:30,011
Who the hell are you?

381
00:18:30,013 --> 00:18:32,219
We're ICE. Keeping this country safe

382
00:18:32,221 --> 00:18:34,636
from cleaning ladies and
college-age dreamers.

383
00:18:34,638 --> 00:18:36,386
We're America's heroes.

384
00:18:36,388 --> 00:18:39,546
You wish, kid-cagers. It's the TSA.

385
00:18:39,581 --> 00:18:41,094
We keep this country safe,

386
00:18:41,096 --> 00:18:44,595
one confiscated shampoo
bottle at a time.

387
00:18:44,597 --> 00:18:46,996
Think again, shoe sniffers.

388
00:18:47,031 --> 00:18:48,886
The only force holding society together

389
00:18:48,888 --> 00:18:51,219
is America's meter maids.

390
00:18:51,221 --> 00:18:53,261
And meter butlers.

391
00:18:53,263 --> 00:18:56,886
No, it's us, overzealous
neighborhood watch guys

392
00:18:56,888 --> 00:18:58,636
in right-to-carry states.

393
00:18:59,302 --> 00:19:00,719
Whoop. Sorry, Clem.

394
00:19:03,971 --> 00:19:06,719
You all think you keep America safe?

395
00:19:07,594 --> 00:19:10,802
How? By hassling grandmas
and wrecking quinceañeras?

396
00:19:10,804 --> 00:19:13,479
By grazing my junk with your wand?

397
00:19:13,514 --> 00:19:15,469
Or arresting bank robbers

398
00:19:15,471 --> 00:19:17,760
who rob banks?

399
00:19:17,762 --> 00:19:19,011
Unlike all of you,

400
00:19:19,013 --> 00:19:21,677
I've earned the right to feel godlike.

401
00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:23,844
I've actually saved a life.

402
00:19:23,846 --> 00:19:26,886
Um, we save lives every day, bruh.

403
00:19:26,888 --> 00:19:29,562
Shut up, lifeguards.
This is a land argument.

404
00:19:29,597 --> 00:19:31,428
But if the rest of you want to get nuts,

405
00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:33,677
then come on, let's get nuts.

406
00:19:33,679 --> 00:19:35,052
But mark my words,

407
00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:37,719
before you cross the crossing guards,

408
00:19:37,721 --> 00:19:40,677
you'd better look both way...

409
00:19:42,421 --> 00:19:44,391
Hey, everybody. I'm back. I...

410
00:19:44,426 --> 00:19:45,489
Uh-oh.

411
00:19:48,597 --> 00:19:50,622
Am I gonna go to jail now?

412
00:19:50,656 --> 00:19:52,261
I wouldn't dream of it.

413
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:57,469
Well, I hope you learned
a valuable lesson, Dad.

414
00:19:57,471 --> 00:19:59,052
Absolute power...

415
00:19:59,054 --> 00:20:00,635
Is the best kind of power there is?

416
00:20:00,637 --> 00:20:02,564
Is a warm beanbag bazooka?

417
00:20:02,599 --> 00:20:04,785
Does bad things to society

418
00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:06,929
and does strange things to me.

419
00:20:06,964 --> 00:20:09,927
No. Once you militarized
the crossing guards,

420
00:20:09,929 --> 00:20:12,719
they became an army
in search of an enemy.

421
00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:15,719
And if the only tool
you have is a hammer,

422
00:20:15,721 --> 00:20:18,677
then everything starts
to look like a nail.

423
00:20:18,679 --> 00:20:20,553
Perhaps, but on the other hand...

424
00:20:22,006 --> 00:20:24,335
- Ugh. Mom!
- Gotcha!

425
00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:25,927
Bart, say "excuse me."

426
00:20:25,929 --> 00:20:28,635
I don't care if he says
excuse me, I want him

427
00:20:28,637 --> 00:20:30,177
not to burp in my face.

428
00:20:30,179 --> 00:20:33,802
Lighten up, Lis.

429
00:20:33,804 --> 00:20:37,122
Must hammer nails.

430
00:21:29,117 --> 00:21:30,140
Shh!

431
00:21:33,087 --> 00:21:35,959
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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