Hustle up, snot rockets.
Today we start a unit
That will test your physical and emotional endurance.
It will make men of you, if you survive.
I speak of social dancing.
If we dance with girls, that means
We'll have to touch them.
My mom says only sheeple wear masks,
But I don't care.
Cooties aren't a hoax. They're real.
Grow up. Maturity.
Rite of passage.
Change is beautiful.
You will learn the touchiest version
Of the texas two-step.
Like so.
Get real close, boys!
Body to body. No daylight.
We're gonna get cooties for sure.
I'm gonna find a way to protect us.
Everyone solo dance till I get back.
Perfect.
Quick, put these band-aids on your hands.
They'll block any and all girl contact.
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
I don't feel so good.
These band-aids smell like my uncle claude.
Transdermal
Nic... O... Tine!
Well, bart, you've really wet the mogwai this time.
This wasn't my fault. I didn't know those band-aids
Would make everyone crazy.
You expect me to believe that?
Bart simpson, the prank king?
The boy who live streamed my colonoscopy
To the second graders?
Hey, ralph did find that polyp.
It was benign.
Unlike your punishment.
Fine, don't believe me. No one ever believes me.
Do your worst.
Welcome to supermax detention.
Your worst was did.
Did you see that video with the dancing canadian boy?
Yeah. Cute.
Did you see the "unlikely animal friends" video with the...
Raccoon and horse riding around. Good for them.
They'll do that.
Homer, we just got invited to a wedding...
In the poconos.
It's a destination wedding.
- God, no. - What?
Let me educate you about destination weddings.
Or, as I like to call them, forced vacations.
You fly halfway across the country
To sit in a boring church, not on Sunday.
Then you're stuck in a lousy hotel
For a whole weekend with a bunch of people
You don't know, or you do know and you hate.
And that's just the beginning.
First there's the "welcome drinks,"
Where the "signature cocktail" has a...
cucumber in it.
And this one's in the poconos,
Which sounds like islands, but it's just pennsylvania.
And you're forced to do all these
Preplanned activities,
Like a zipline you're too fat to use.
And they have to bring in a telephone bucket truck
To get you down!
And at the after-wedding brunch,
Everyone calls you johnny zipline.
And they open the presents in front of everybody,
So they all know from the online registry
Yours is the cheapest.
And it's all super expensive, so you have to waste
All the airline miles you got
When your credit card was stolen by scammers,
Who bought $50,000 of printer toner!
Of course. Yes. The toner miles.
We can use them to fly to the wedding.
But my rant.
Homer simpson, I can't think of anything more romantic
Than transporting ourselves to a magical setting
To celebrate a new love.
We are going.
There. Done.
Clean it again.
This isn't fair.
I didn't do anything wrong.
My only crime is I didn't want to do dancing
With some stupid girls!
Girls? That's why you're here?
Be a man, boy.
Don't fall apart over some lassie
With silky hair and a dimple you could get lost in
Like a bottomless pit of sweetness that...
That feels better.
So, you want to tell me about this girl?
Take a seat.
It all happened in scotland, in me youth.
There was this girl that I loved. Maisie.
I thought she loved me back.
But she broke my heart.
That's why I came to america,
Blighted land of barbenheimmering
Wrestling believers.
To forget the fickle lass who let willie down.
And all women!
I'm with you, brother.
Who needs girls?
Now we're rage-bonding.
Men don't let men down.
This is how we express emotion!
Willie, get your wheelbarrow.
You won't believe what they threw out at the hospital.
Willie? Willie?
Seymour, willie's gone.
I can't find him anywhere.
Ha. Willie disappears all the time.
He's probably drunk in a ditch on the outskirts of town.
My god. Willie?
And then there's all the creepy wedding weekend hook-ups,
Which lead to the next destination wedding.
Dad, snap out of it.
Something's happened to willie.
Someone trashed his shack, and I can't find him anywhere.
- It's him. - Bart, my wee bestie.
I'm in edinburgh. I need you. Help!
Somebody kidnapped willie.
We've got to go to scotland and help him.
I'm the only person who cares about him in the world.
Homie, bart's begged us for a lot of things,
But I've never seen this look in his eye before.
Not even when he begged us for that neck tattoo
Of a rattlesnake with a hand grenade tail.
But we can't just fly to scotland.
Marge, there is one way.
No, don't say it.
I have to say it.
- No. -The miles.
But-but the poconos.
The miles, marge. They're transferable.
I know. I know they are.
I guess we're not going to that destination wedding
After all.
That's the building from willie's call.
Willie, where are you?
Bart, is that you?
I'll save you, willie!
I won't let those bastards...
Pass you appetizers?
Bart, you came. And just in time.
- In time for what? - My wedding.
Willie's getting married!
Married?
Welcome bags, schedule of events.
Losers from home, new people I already hate.
This is a...
Destination wedding.
No...!
What the hell, boy? A destination wedding?
You promised me a kidnapping, or murder.
Yeah, willie, what the hell?
On that call, it sounded like someone was killing you.
That was just maisie coming in for a snog.
Give us a smooch, you big, ugly bawbag.
Aw haud yer weesht 'fore I boke.
Maisie? Isn't that the girl that betrayed you?
Well, there is a bit of a story there.
A love story. Ooh, please say it's long.
It's all in the welcome-cocktail slide show.
I was working for maisie's da,
Harvesting peat in the peat bogs.
Burning peat is what gives whiskey its distinctive flavor.
And willie could sniff out the best bogs of them all.
And that's how we met.
It was a "peat cute."
I was the happiest mud smeller in the world.
But her family disapproved of me.
They tried to shovel us apart,
So we made plans to elope and sail away together.
But when I waited at the docks,
She did nae show.
So I left for america, alone and bitter.
The reason I didn't show was my family told me
Willie was eaten by a sheep.
But when I saw your tiktok, I knew my love was alive.
She slid right into my dms.
We started sexting right away.
So I dropped everything and came back,
Where the whole family was waiting
With open arms and an apology haggis.
Willie, we cannot wait to shove that wonderful
Nose of yours in the bogs again and take our whiskey
Right back to the top.
Willie was the one person who understood my anger.
Now it's like all our screaming meant nothing.
Yeah, well, everything I hate about these things
Is coming true.
We just got here, and the weird hook-ups
Have already started.
So, is there a lunch mr. Dora?
Ew.
Mom, how come lisa doesn't have to do
All this lovey-dovey wedding crap?
Well, your sister isn't best friends
With the school janitor,
So she went off to tour edinburgh on her own.
Okay, I rubbed the toe of david hume's statue.
I climbed the walter scott monument.
I ate something called a scotch egg,
Which I very much regret.
The fringe festival.
A celebration of theatrical irony
And self-awareness.
The play, please.
Sorry, darling, this ticket booth is ticket booth,
A one-man show about a ticket booth.
If you want to buy a ticket for ticket booth,
The ticket booth ticket booth is over there.
It's so clever without being good.
Thanks for joining us on our love hike
From moorland heath to heathland moor.
And now, a gentle stroll
Through the seven hills of edinburgh.
Aw, why can't all hills go down?
And look at all this cutesy romantic crap
They're forcing us to do.
When am I gonna get some free time?
Listen, mister, you're the one who dragged us here,
Spending a lifetime of frequent-flier miles,
And I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me.
So how about you just suck it up
And do the cute activities?
Look, lis, I'm gonna ask you for something
I've never asked before. Your opinion.
You literally haven't said a word to me
This entire trip.
Well, now I am, okay?
Hanging out with willie was the one time
I ever felt I wasn't the only crazy one,
That someone understood me.
And now he's gone goo-goo for this girl
Whose family screwed him over.
What do I do?
Well, when someone gets a chance
To put an end to their loneliness,
They gotta take it.
Have you ever seen willie this happy?
Not even when skinner got kicked in the face
At the krav maga assembly.
So be happy for his happiness.
So, maisie,
Tell me more about your fairy-tale romance.
You're like two shreks in a swamp.
Aw, it's the same old story.
Numpty meets bird, they start to doggin',
Get told each is deid, then reunite
And pick right up again with the hochmagandy.
That's so romantic.
Unlike...
You know what, I'm making a toast.
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
Shut up, everybody.
Look at these kids, so in love.
When homer and I first got together,
We were the same.
We couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Now we just spend every night doom-scrolling our life away,
And watching a squirrel surf on the back of an alligator.
Marge! Trashing our marriage is something that should
Only be done in the privacy of our home.
And that's our romance for the ages.
It began with a wild night in a mini-golf windmill,
And now...
How can you say that?
This is the worst thing that's ever happened
In the beheading room of this castle.
Bart, I want to thank you for bringing me back to maisie.
I've never been so happy.
You know, I think I get it.
Good lad. That's why I'm giving you
A very important role in the wedding.
You're going to lead the dance.
Ooh, a spikey american.
No! Men don't let men down!
Our cake.
Now what will you shove in my gob?
You wee bastard.
You ruined my wedding.
Good.
That's the only friend
That you made in america?
Aye.
My head. Homie, what do you take
For a hangover?
Fine, be that way.
For once, I'm the one who spoke truth while drunk.
Running away from a fight?
Well, I'm still mad at you!
You told everyone that I don't care about romance,
And now they think homer simpson is vanilla
In the sack!
Homer simpson is vanilla in the sack!
Vanilla in the sack!
Bad at sex!
I can't believe I ever looked up to that guy.
Stupid willie.
That nobody thinks he can be a macweldon?
Ha! All he's good for is his nose.
Once they're married, willie will sniff out
A mother lode of good peat.
And then he's out!
And then maisie can find a proper husband,
Not some floor-waxing puke-mopper.
This whole thing was a setup to use willie?
That girl doesn't even love him?
Why would you do that to my friend?
Wee sleekit cowerin' timerous beasties
Shouldn't stick their nebs in other people's bizzo.
I have no idea what you just said.
B-but I get the context.
Let me out!
No, you're staying right here
With your only entertainment, this cribbage board.
Hey, where are the pegs?
They're in this little drawer.
Homer would never get how sweet this is.
How'd I wind up with the most unromantic man on earth?
Why is he texting me during a wedding?
They shouldn't be together, but they are.
Homer!
Marge!
Did you get my gorilla-dolphin video?
It was so unlikely, just like us.
That's why I sent it to you!
I'm sorry I trashed our marriage
In a rehearsal dinner toast.
I'm sorry I was such a downer about this destination wedding.
I should have just pretended to go along with it,
Like I do with everything else in our marriage.
I don't care if our romance began
When we did it on a mini-golf course.
It's still epic.
How epic would it be if we did it on
The best golf course in the world?
You are so romantic.
Fore... Play.
I gotta get out of here and warn willie
That girl's just marrying him for his nose.
Birdseed bags, soap with willie's face on it,
Sleep masks.
Aha.
I, groundskeeper willie, take you, booze-maker maisie...
stop the wedding.
Stop the wedding!
What are you doing, boy?
Why don't you want willie to be happy?
I do!
This girl doesn't love you.
Her family only brought you here
For your peat sniffing.
Pa, hamish, owen, can this be true?
Of course it's true.
You're just a nose to us.
We've got to compete with
All these celebrity booze brands.
From your tall, dark clooneys to your wee danny devitos,
There's no room for a passable entry-level scotch.
William, I didn't know about any of this.
I swear, I'd love you even if you never sniffed
Another bog as long as you lived.
I wish I could believe you.
I'll prove it.
You broke my sniffer.
You do love me.
Forever and a day.
I'll never smell nothing again.
Aww.
I think I get it, lisa.
I understand love now.
Shh!
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