Marge, I love when you grab my butt
with your cold, stiff fingers.
Homie, I'm not touching your butt.
- Ew! - Ew! Ew! Ew!
Save me, Baywatch!
The Yellow Lotus, a luxury, five-star resort,
has opened its teakwood doors to Springfield's neediest minority:
the wealthy elite.
And in breaking news...
This just in...
my mouth. Mmm!
- Mmm!
Are you sure this is the timeshare we bought?
It's the exact same address.
We've been paying into it for ten years.
It just seems too good a place for us to have a reservation.
Read it and weep.
For joy... 'cause it's good.
Now, I'm legally forbidden to say
that this is a good investment.
But this is a very good investment.
Homer, I'm uncomfortable.
The baby's using my womb as a trampoline,
and Consumer Repo says
timeshares are the worst investment in real estate.
Hey, I am not selling you real estate.
I'm selling you something
that is much more valuable than property.
Points.
Hmm. Points, eh?
Points that you can trade in for a dream vacation any time,
except on blackout dates.
Your unborn children will inherit your points.
And your fees.
It's a steal. For me.
Woo-hoo! Why, you!
Yeah, quick question. Is he mooning me?
The baby's behind speaks for us all
when it says we should leave now!
Well, of course. You're not prisoners.
But if you leave, you are breaking the law,
and you'll end up in prison unless you sign this contract.
Oh, no. My husband is having a severe allergic reaction.
He needs to get to the hospital immediately!
Another free breakfast,
and all I had to do was risk death.
Ow.
Homer, I see you eyeing this delicious croquembouche.
85 choux puffs.
You think I would sign a lifetime contract
for a stupid dessert?
Never again.
Not after Spectrum cable.
My friend, this is America.
Just because you can't possibly afford something
doesn't mean that you can't buy it.
Luxury vacations are not just for the rich and the famous.
They're for average schlubs like you.
- Like me? - Of course!
Homer, what is more important: to feel rich or to be rich?
To be rich!
Guess again.
To feel rich!
Exactly. Now sign.
Or don't and commit your family to the worst life of all:
one with nothing to look forward to.
Oh.
You get a free boombox.
- Done! - Oh!
Huh?
But when can we use the timeshare?
The answer to that is...
The croquembouche!
Homer, you were right.
I can't believe it.
The monthly fees, the maintenance fees,
the fee-calculating fees.
All worth it!
Welcome, Mr. Burns. Mr. Smithers.
Who's a good boy?
Heel, heel! Stop biting my heel!
These dogs have been working hard and need a vacation.
They need to be pampered, pedicured
and anally expressed twice a day.
Relax the hounds!
Yes, sir. Excuse me.
Everything here is for guests only,
including the view.
Howdy.
You can't do this to us!
We may not have much money,
but we're rich in what counts around here: points!
Ah, yes, right. Well, that timeshare company
no longer owns this property.
But as a courtesy, we do honor those points.
I'll see you at checkout.
Mm.
This is going to be the most wonderful week of our lives.
Checkout time. Back away from the minibar.
Uh, excuse me. May I remind you
we have accumulated 450 million points.
Which equals 20 minutes. Your stay is over.
This room now belongs to Dr. and Mrs. Hibbert.
Oh, you think you've won, eh?
We are taking the free shampoo!
Stupid shampoo!
Why is everything I want to steal bolted down?
Check... mate.
We requested a sober room. No minibar.
My wife has gone a whole year without a drink.
Oh, thank you, Julius.
Please tell everybody.
I won't mention how you have your nurse
finish your operations so you can go play golf.
Oops.
Woman.
Don't worry about me.
I know how to cope perfectly well without drinking.
I'm so glad I married a doctor.
Welcome to the Yellow Lotus.
I'm Shauna. You're Tasha.
Yes, I know my name. Usually.
I also ordered a welcome massage.
Not Swedish, shiatsu.
Also, it hurts when I smile.
Can you help?
I love the Yellow Lotus resorts.
So many beautiful bodies.
Especially the dead ones.
Whatever... I can do to help, let me know.
I have three connecting diamond lotus suites.
One for me, one for my husband
and one for my luggage.
That woman's luggage gets a room, but we don't?
Is this why we defeated the Nazi zombies
in Call of Duty: World at War?
We could sneak into the rich lady's luggage room,
and stay there for a week.
But Mom would never...
We are doing that!
Oh, I love it when you break bad.
Hey, how'd you get the key, boy?
The real question is not how did I get a key,
but how did I get a machine that makes keys?
He's got you there, Marge.
I didn't ask anything.
Higher! Higher!
Ow! Too high!
Marge, come here.
I have to show you something
that I never dreamed was possible.
There's a TV in the mirror.
It's always been my dream to watch me watching TV.
Wow!
She's got to be the happiest woman in the world.
Oh. You're always leaving me!
Where are you going now? Another secret phone call?
She suspects nothing.
She won't know until the minute my hands are around her neck.
We have to warn that poor woman she's in danger!
But we're on vacation.
And Bob's only an attempted murderer.
Attempted.
My ears are burning.
Sideshow Bob!
Hello, Simpsons. Bart.
Don't "Bart" me, man.
What's your evil plan this time?
I might ask the same of you.
I believe you and your sticky-fingered family
are squatting in a luxury suite meant for my wife's luggage.
How do we know you're not just after her money?
Now, Marge, that hurts.
I have my own fortune.
I invented a rake with a collapsible handle.
No more head bonks.
Now, let's see what your options are.
A: You expose my past to my wife
while I get you arrested for trespassing.
B: Everyone keeps quiet, and we all enjoy...
Who am I to judge you, Bob?
Okay. Fine. One week.
But if your wife turns up dead,
even once,
we're calling the cops.
Bob, who are you talking to?
Ah, my pet.
I was just doing vocalizations in the other room
so I wouldn't disturb you.
Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.
Oost, ohst, ost, est, east.
Badagaga, badagaga, badagaga, badagaga.
Well, I guess we're trusting the psychopath.
Sociopath.
Two distinct diagnoses.
With a slight touch of...
the narcissist.
Hello.
Oh!
Hi.
I see you're reading Barbra.
Yeah. After I put it in my suitcase,
I had no room for anything else.
I've got the audiobook.
I had to delete all the photos on my phone
so I'd have enough memory.
Who needs my memories when I have Barbra's?
Let's listen together.
Kids! We're trying to be inconspicuous.
No problem!
Marco.
Polo.
- Marc— - Polo!
You don't belong here.
This is an adults-only pool.
The hotel will take these kids off your hands
for the rest of your trip, sir.
Oh! It's about time.
Thank you!
Polo!
- Ah! Jerk!
Excuse me. I don't mean to bother,
but can I please get a vegan option?
What the hell are you doing?
I mean saying "excuse me" and "please."
Rich kids talk like that.
Hello?
Do I have to color in this drawing myself?
Inside the lines, dum-dum!
You'll never blend in, Lis.
You call these crudités?
I want farm-to-table.
Isn't it grand?
Our kids are getting spoiled in a way we could never afford.
Have you noticed something, Homer?
We're the only happy people here.
Wow. Well, these rich jerks
may not appreciate how good they have it,
but we do.
And we're gonna have it all.
Do you have a masseur for the plus-sized man?
Oh, baby.
I'd like
a full-body sage scrub,
seaweed foot mask,
pumpkin face mask,
cedar oil hair mask
and toxin release mud bath.
Ditto.
We're clear.
Finally, I can relax.
Somebody here is going to die.
Gah!
Who will it be?
The Poisoned Queen?
- The Suffering Toady? - Mm.
Or is it the Hanged Bride?
Beware.
Beware?
Is it "existential crisis" beware?
Or is it beware like the egg salad's gone bad?
Oh, don't worry.
These hotel fortune tellers are always fakes.
Mama, we need you in the kitchen, eh?
Just as I predicted.
Oh.
There's something I'm afraid I have to tell you.
Something bad.
Sounds like I'm gonna need a macaron.
Better take the whole plate.
I think you may be married to a murderous psychopath.
Sociopath.
What?
That's crazy.
Bob married my sister for her money,
and she has way less than you.
Well, I've got an ironclad prenup.
If we get divorced,
Bob gets no money.
Unless I'm murdered.
But he told me that's just boilerplate.
And now for my next request,
I'd like to ask security to take out two trespassers
who, not coincidentally, went back on their word to me.
Uh, you're still here?
Security!
Throw spaghetti sauce in my eyes!
That's-a better.
Oh, there she is again.
Doesn't a hotel manager have better things to do?
I have to protect the brand!
The brand!
Marge, do what I do.
Damn it, Bernice. Do you want to leave this resort in a body bag?
The only hard part will be getting her
to the top of the cliff.
If the hounds don't taste blood soon,
I fear they'll go mad.
This resort is filled with psychos,
murderers and mild neurotics!
Oy, my leg hurts...
whenever there's fog.
Oh, my God, Marge.
It's the worst one of all!
Who here has ever wanted to take a vacation
and earn money at the same time?
You sold us a worthless timeshare!
Uh, you're gonna have to narrow that down.
You remember this? Huh?
Lady, do you know how many pregnant women I have defrauded?
That baby is now ten years old.
Oh, yeah. I'll never forget that ass.
You guys must have accumulated a hell of a lot of debt.
Look, I'm not in that business anymore, okay?
Now I get people out of timeshare scams.
Is that also a scam?
Yeah. Much more profitable.
I'm going to do something now I should have done back then.
Hey, I need that for evil!
You have some very bad karma, mister.
Ooh, ooh, I have bad karma.
Oh, I'm so scared!
Oh, please don't hurt me, Hindu gods!
Don't be a smart aleck.
When you do something bad, it always catches up with you.
Gotcha! Moochers!
- Moochers? - They're despicable.
I've been watching you all be miserable in paradise
and take everything for granted.
So you may be wealthier,
but we're rich in what counts.
- Points? - The ability to go on vacation
and have fun without plotting to kill our loved ones!
And now, lady,
I'm going to take in the view!
You know, Homie,
the ferry doesn't come for a while.
- How 'bout one last swim?
Mwah.
You've played me for a fool, Bernice.
But no more!
There's only one way to end this.
Oh, no!
I love you, Bernice.
And we're not coming down until you're clean.
Also, not until I figure out
how to get this balloon back to land.
No! Stop!
Nice Dobermans!
Thank God I brought my spare bone.
D'oh!
For you, my darling.
Oh, wow.
All the secret phone calls were to arrange this?
Like all sociopaths,
all I really needed was the love of a good woman.
And the proper medication.
Now all I want to do is smother you
with kisses
and set you ablaze
with passion.
Mwah!
Well, I'll be.
He's as great a husband as I am.
Now, my dear, may I serenade you
with the divine Gilbert and Sullivan?
Wha—
Tasha, why?
- I'm a fast-cycling manic-depressive!
Oh, no, Bob! What have I done?
- Bob. - Mel.
My best to Krusty.
The three of us should have lunch.
Yes, but not this week.
I'm doing a cleanse.
Ah. Your colon will thank you.
So I guess everyone's fine!
Except for the body.
A shark.
Oh, it's just an adorable little otter.
Oh!
Timeshare salesman turned retired scoundrel
Nick Callahan is dead,
leaving behind a fortune valued at 80 billion points.
In "otter" news...
My chai!
Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
Shh!