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C-SPAN 5 now takes you to testimony

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before the Joint Committee
on Terrible Events.

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The Chair recognizes the woman
with the four-foot beehive.

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Please state your name and occupation.

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Uh, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson.

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Mother to three children

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and a husband.

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She's raising us all on her own.

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Mrs. Simpson, please walk us through

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the events of March 12.

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Well, it all started with
what was supposed to be

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a happy family trip.

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The Simpsons are going
to Pile Ridge, Louisiana.

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Oh, the trip is already ruined.

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What is this gunk?

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Oh, that's my lentil soup.

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Lisa!

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Well, what else am I supposed to eat

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at your family's barbaric pig butchery?

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It's boucherie.

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It's a cherished Bouvier tradition

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that reunites our extended family

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and celebrates our Cajun roots.

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And they shoot the pig in the head,

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John Wick-style. Look.

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Stop, it's horrifying.

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Mmm. Delicious.

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Horrifying!

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Mr. Simpson, as I understand it,

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you were enticed by the thought
of enjoying savory meats,

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but repulsed by the appearance
of your wife's family.

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Yes, Senator, I cannot perjure myself.

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They are barf in human form.

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I reclaim my time.

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Traveling brings out
Homer's worst qualities.

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Oh! All the seats are taken
by jerks and their bags.

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Maybe we can sit in there.

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- That looks comfy.

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Squirt em' if you got em'.

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Oh!

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Your hoops are quivering. Calm down.

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Now boarding: Active-duty TV clowns.

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Some sober companion you are.

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I'm only three hours out of rehab

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and I can smell the booze on you.

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You mean my hand sanitizer?

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Ooh, Daddy want!

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Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked.

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Your seats are no longer together.

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This is bull!

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I demand to speak to Sully Sullenberger!

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Homer, stop it.

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You always do this.
You'll get us banned.

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So? We'll take our business elsewh...

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There is no elsewhere.

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Because of your past behavior,

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you're on the No Fly List

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of every other airline in the country.

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Even Spirit.

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Try it again.

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So, unless you want
all our future vacations

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to be at my mother's house,
talking her into hospice,

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you will hold it
together on this flight.

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I promise, Marge. I won't let you down.

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I do have some good news.

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We have one free upgrade
for a seat in first class.

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Ooh, I bet I'd really
keep my promise to behave

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if I'm in that spacious lie-flat pod.

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Well, you'll never know.

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Yoink.

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Uh-uh, sweetie, first class is this way.

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Welcome.

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Oh, my God.

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I'm turning left.

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I didn't know planes had a left.

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Ah. Ooh.

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Oh...

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Oh, the seat is so plush and comfy.

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May I get you anything?

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I want everything.

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The whole first class experience.

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Cold bubbly, warm nuts, hot towel...

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all the temperatures!

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Let's start you out with a
complimentary Moet mimosa

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with extra zest and a little...

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Oh.

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Okay, Homer, you can do this.

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Have a pleasant flight for Marge.

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- Ow, my head!
- Watch it!

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Ow!

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God, don't let this slob

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be next to me.

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God, don't let this slob

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be next to me.

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Good morning, everyone.

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My name is Joel,

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and I'll be your "wingman" today.

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Thank you.

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Just a reminder: Federal law
prohibits smoking of any kind,

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unless, like me, you're smokin' hot.

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Oh, great.

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Forced comedy at 9:00 in the morning.

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Now, Maggie,
screens turn brains to mush.

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That's why Bart has to take ESL classes.

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I'll parent you how I
wanted to be parented,

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and sibling you how I
wanted to be sibbled,

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with my Jazz Legends A-to-Z flashcards.

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Cannonball Adderley.

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He was more hard bop then bebop.

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Okay, movie fans, it's time for

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everybody's favorite in-flight flick,

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the safety demo.

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Remember this come Oscar time.

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Good thing I've got
my annoyance-canceling headphones.

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Ooh, we are really packed
in here, aren't we?

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Something is very wrong with this plane.

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This is a trap!

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It's a conspiracy to take us down!

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- Get out of here!
- Oh. Oh!

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They're experimenting on us!

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I won't be a rat in your flying cage!

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Ah, a seat for my second cheek.

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Yo, travel trolls.

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A crazy lady just got
kicked off the plane

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so I jump-squatted a sweet aisle seat.

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Give my 40,000 followers
a moan, bald dude.

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D'oh.

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Toenail clipper?

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Sardine eater?

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Disgusto-flossers?

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Hiya!

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Karate children?

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Marge, I'm trying to hold it together,

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just like I promised.

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But it seems like this
plane is filled with

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all the worst flyers in the world.

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Well, his text was correct, senator.

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Our airline serves the
fastest-growing demographic

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in air travel: the criminally obnoxious.

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At Convenience Airways,

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we fly the No Fly List.

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Mr. Wingspan...
if that is your funny name...

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you mean to tell us

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that you filled an entire
plane with obnoxious people

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who were banned from other airlines?

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Yes. Our business model
is to cater to C.I.F.s:

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"Civility Impaired Fliers."

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- Hiya!
- Control your team!

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Violence is a form of control.

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Yes, Sensei. Hiya!

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This was our inaugural flight,

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testing if the innovative
precautions we had taken

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were enough to safely transport
the rudest of the rude.

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- Like this man.

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Aw, come on.

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You choke out one guy
with a seat belt extender

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and you're labeled for life.

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But on this flight,

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I promised Marge I would behave,

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and I really tried.

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It was torture.

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Torture!

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Who would do such a
thing to Patrick Wilson?

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Eyes on your own screen.

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Ugh.

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And, no, you may not have any of

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my triad of expired Christmas delights.

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Mmm, cheese.

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Mmm, butter, caramel...

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Mmm.

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And now, the shower of champions.

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Huzzah.

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Come on.

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Uh, excuse me.

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I promised my wife I
wouldn't fight or yell

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or pee anywhere other than the bathroom,

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but this guy next to me
is making it really hard.

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What guy?

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The Comic Book Guy guy.

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Huh? He just disappeared.

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Well, it looks like the
problem took care of itself.

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That is so weird.

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Hey, guys, you asked for it,
I'm doing it.

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The bathroom sink
shrimp scampi challenge.

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Oh.

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Marge, I'm barely
holding it together back here.

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Please text me back some
sweet words of comfort.

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Hey, hey...

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- Huzzah...
- Hey, hey...

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Zounds...

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Oh...

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needs tonic.

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Die, die, die!

194
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No, don't die!

195
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They're all dead.

196
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Oh, I need to play something.

197
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I'm winning. I'm winning.

198
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Just a reminder, folks,

199
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the call button is only
for real emergencies,

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like if you're down to
your last guess on Wordle.

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Uh, I have a real emergency.

202
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Your jokes suck.

203
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"S" is for Sun Ra.

204
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He's a little abstract,

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but when you get it,
you'll really get it.

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Dig this.

207
00:09:50,073 --> 00:09:52,498
Somebody shut that brat up!

208
00:09:52,617 --> 00:09:53,758
Oh, that's my brat.

209
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Stop judging her!

210
00:09:54,986 --> 00:09:56,336
I don't know what to do.

211
00:09:56,488 --> 00:09:59,580
I've been turning the
jazz up as loud as I can,

212
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,433
but it's not soothing her.

213
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Is this an airline or a nursery?

214
00:10:03,829 --> 00:10:05,678
Mustn't punch the jerk.

215
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:06,921
Mustn't punch the jerk.

216
00:10:06,998 --> 00:10:09,757
It's so loud, I can barely hear myself

217
00:10:09,835 --> 00:10:11,926
feel up my mistress under this blanket.

218
00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:13,778
Okay, gang, we're about to start

219
00:10:13,855 --> 00:10:16,005
our beverage and snack service.

220
00:10:16,007 --> 00:10:17,357
If you feel like a pretzel,

221
00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:18,950
that means the guy in front of you

222
00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,786
has his seat all the way back.

223
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:25,698
Just because it sounds like a joke

224
00:10:25,775 --> 00:10:27,033
doesn't mean it is one.

225
00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:31,445
Come back in ten years, kid.

226
00:10:31,523 --> 00:10:34,540
I got voicemails older than you. Ha!

227
00:10:37,925 --> 00:10:40,563
And now it's time
for your headliner. Me!

228
00:10:40,615 --> 00:10:42,557
This guy's jokes suck so hard,

229
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,467
we're about to lose cabin pressure.

230
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,472
Okay, okay. People, don't encourage him!

231
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:52,066
is what Joel's guidance
counselor told his parents.

232
00:10:55,146 --> 00:10:56,446
Give me that.

233
00:10:57,982 --> 00:11:01,467
This is your unfunny
flight attendant Joel speaking.

234
00:11:01,469 --> 00:11:04,153
Here are some more of my terrible jokes.

235
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,318
Left forward lavatory.

236
00:11:20,064 --> 00:11:21,129
Ay, caramba!

237
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:24,674
Okay, so Daddy
doesn't get into a fistfight,

238
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:27,176
we're going to take a little walk.

239
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,939
Dad, I figured out
what's gonna calm Maggie.

240
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,667
Improvisations in the style
of pre-heroin Coltrane.

241
00:11:44,179 --> 00:11:46,287
Mama!

242
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,848
No, no, we can't bother Mommy...

243
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:51,442
or she'll leave us all for good.

244
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,947
Hey, champ, I lost $50,000

245
00:11:57,025 --> 00:12:00,134
on your pay-per-view
fight against Vanilla Ice.

246
00:12:00,211 --> 00:12:01,618
You owe me!

247
00:12:01,696 --> 00:12:06,532
Come on, champ,
I'm talking to you, champ.

248
00:12:06,534 --> 00:12:08,384
Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin.

249
00:12:14,478 --> 00:12:16,800
Nobody licks me but my tiger.

250
00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:21,322
That baby's a lap-sitting freeloader.

251
00:12:21,399 --> 00:12:24,567
I am sorry you have to
put up with that guy.

252
00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:26,402
We're all just doing our best.

253
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:30,573
Yeah. Parents don't get to
go into airplane mode, do we?

254
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:33,650
Thank God. Two sensible people.

255
00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:37,730
Wylder, it's time.

256
00:12:41,069 --> 00:12:42,418
Oh, no... No, no, no.

257
00:12:42,570 --> 00:12:45,680
Our little guy is on a strict
potty training schedule.

258
00:12:51,913 --> 00:12:53,646
Whoo-hoo!

259
00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:56,507
No hoo!

260
00:12:56,584 --> 00:12:58,526
Um, do you guys have any diapers?

261
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,770
Uh, we don't use the "D" word.

262
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,088
Oh, boy.

263
00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:04,757
- Deal with your biohazard!
- Change that baby!

264
00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,367
- What's wrong with you?
- Oh, come on!

265
00:13:06,444 --> 00:13:08,369
That's not a baby, that's a hate crime.

266
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:10,596
Lisa, where's the diaper bag?

267
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,764
I don't have it.

268
00:13:11,766 --> 00:13:14,542
Why don't you ask
your girlfriend, Maggie?

269
00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:17,027
Maggie's not my girlfriend, Marge is.

270
00:13:17,325 --> 00:13:20,339
That's it. Marge has it.

271
00:13:25,817 --> 00:13:26,791
There's the bag.

272
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:28,798
Maggie, crawl through the clown fight.

273
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:34,787
Don't kill him, champ.

274
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:36,789
My pension is almost vested.

275
00:13:44,341 --> 00:13:46,407
Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom.

276
00:13:59,147 --> 00:14:00,588
We made it.

277
00:14:02,422 --> 00:14:03,441
Toilet Chef.

278
00:14:06,589 --> 00:14:07,678
In-laws!

279
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:11,766
Care to join our Mile-High Book Club?

280
00:14:12,466 --> 00:14:13,601
Readers!

281
00:14:16,664 --> 00:14:18,013
SunChips. Give me, give me.

282
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,576
What the...?

283
00:14:33,465 --> 00:14:35,189
Where is everybody?

284
00:14:35,316 --> 00:14:38,133
Please calmly return to your seat, sir.

285
00:14:38,135 --> 00:14:40,485
What did you do with all
the horrible people I hate?

286
00:14:40,562 --> 00:14:41,745
Tell me what's going on.

287
00:14:41,897 --> 00:14:43,563
Or I'll seatbelt you good.

288
00:14:43,641 --> 00:14:45,974
And why don't they make the
whole plane out of the...

289
00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:48,811
black box material...?

290
00:14:48,829 --> 00:14:50,162
This is your captain speaking.

291
00:14:50,314 --> 00:14:52,514
If you look to your left, you will see

292
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,258
the magnificent Grand Canyon.

293
00:14:54,335 --> 00:14:59,321
Unless you're one of the
246 unruly souls who've been

294
00:14:59,323 --> 00:15:03,601
trap-doored into our
complimentary in-flight prison.

295
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:18,190
Trapdoors that lead to a prison?
Since when?

296
00:15:18,192 --> 00:15:21,527
What monster could conceive
of something this horrible?

297
00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:22,970
BurnsCo.

298
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:26,548
Proudly installing trapdoor
dungeon drops since 1926.

299
00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:28,367
Is there anything more satisfying

300
00:15:28,385 --> 00:15:31,537
than a scream of terror
followed by a distant thud?

301
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,481
Mr. Wingspan, this is America.

302
00:15:33,483 --> 00:15:35,649
When we violate people's
civil liberties,

303
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,727
we usually give them a heads-up,
drop pamphlets,

304
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:41,137
send a cruise missile, uh, something.

305
00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:44,883
Senator, I assure you,
we did warn the passengers

306
00:15:44,885 --> 00:15:47,828
of the potential consequences
of their actions.

307
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:50,331
It's all in the safety video.

308
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:52,482
But nobody watches those things.

309
00:15:57,155 --> 00:15:58,989
Should you choose to be unruly,

310
00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:02,676
you'll be trap-doored into
our belly-of-the-plane prison.

311
00:16:02,678 --> 00:16:05,161
If your behavior is too extreme,

312
00:16:05,239 --> 00:16:07,515
a ball gag will fall from the ceiling.

313
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,666
Please affix your own ball gag first

314
00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:12,520
before ball-gagging your child.

315
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,337
See? I was right.

316
00:16:14,415 --> 00:16:17,007
I tried to warn you,
but you all thought I was crazy.

317
00:16:17,084 --> 00:16:20,419
Not to criticize,
but maybe it's your tone?

318
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:22,254
My tone is fine!

319
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,276
And that concludes
your beverage service.

320
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,187
He's pretty funny.

321
00:16:31,189 --> 00:16:33,265
No, he's not, he sucks.

322
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,658
Take that!

323
00:16:36,712 --> 00:16:38,437
They can't do this to us!

324
00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:41,715
Buying a ticket gives us the
right to do what we want.

325
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,200
There's no law in the sky.

326
00:16:44,278 --> 00:16:46,128
I say we bust out.

327
00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:47,462
Who's with me?

328
00:16:49,784 --> 00:16:52,375
We'll need every available weapon.

329
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:55,229
I got toenail clippers.
And some pretty sharp toenails.

330
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:59,024
I got an airsick bag
of hot bathroom shrimp.

331
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,294
My darling Marge.

332
00:17:02,296 --> 00:17:05,147
I am writing you from the cusp
of yet another prison riot.

333
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,575
If I die in this heroic escape attempt,

334
00:17:07,577 --> 00:17:09,301
remember me as a blameless victim.

335
00:17:09,303 --> 00:17:12,896
One who got caught up in the
coach-to-prison pipeline.

336
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,307
BTW, lost Maggie, hope she's with you.

337
00:17:15,309 --> 00:17:17,734
Lots going on. Shrug emoji.

338
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:31,081
Marge is writing me back.

339
00:17:31,158 --> 00:17:33,249
Stop? Stop what?

340
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,769
Wine, wine, wine?

341
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,013
Do you want me to stop whining?

342
00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:42,017
Bee. Man.

343
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,669
Be a man?

344
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,504
X. Lobster.

345
00:17:45,506 --> 00:17:47,673
Don't be shellfish?

346
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:51,267
Oh, my God,
I am always thinking of my shelf.

347
00:17:51,269 --> 00:17:53,436
Window seat.

348
00:17:53,514 --> 00:17:56,849
Window seat. Window seat.

349
00:17:56,851 --> 00:17:59,109
No! This revolt is wrong.

350
00:17:59,186 --> 00:18:01,444
I know this because my
wife just spoke to me

351
00:18:01,522 --> 00:18:04,614
in a series of direct
and unambiguous emojis.

352
00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:07,709
Let us not be pigs. Or mules.

353
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:09,953
Or a mermaid with a fax machine.

354
00:18:10,030 --> 00:18:12,122
Sure, we have to put up
with baggage fees,

355
00:18:12,199 --> 00:18:17,035
no leg room,
and those $20 "protein boxes."

356
00:18:17,037 --> 00:18:20,038
But flying is a modern miracle,

357
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,466
and all that's asked of us in return

358
00:18:23,544 --> 00:18:27,379
is basic human decency.

359
00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:32,493
Mm, I could be more patient
with kids and babies.

360
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:35,237
After all, I am a preschool teacher.

361
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:38,573
I'm sorry I savagely beat your
husband with your hair bone.

362
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:41,484
He's not my...

363
00:18:41,504 --> 00:18:43,486
Oh, forget it.

364
00:18:43,564 --> 00:18:45,321
So to quote my wife,

365
00:18:45,399 --> 00:18:47,841
we have to start acting civilized

366
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:51,920
and stop being a bunch of huge...

367
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:53,722
eggplants.

368
00:18:55,242 --> 00:18:57,017
Well, folks,
now that you've exhibited

369
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:58,686
a modicum of civility,

370
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,521
the handcuff sign has been turned off.

371
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:03,006
You are now free to return to your seats

372
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:04,750
and work through the childhood trauma

373
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,509
that led you to behave like the ugliest

374
00:19:06,587 --> 00:19:08,862
of ugly Americans today.

375
00:19:16,539 --> 00:19:18,021
Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson.

376
00:19:18,098 --> 00:19:19,932
We'll be landing soon, so we need you

377
00:19:19,934 --> 00:19:22,342
to return your seat to
its upright position.

378
00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:25,028
What? We're landing?

379
00:19:25,105 --> 00:19:28,716
I slept through my first first class?

380
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:32,461
Yes, but you got the most
perfect flying experience

381
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,129
anyone could ever ask for.

382
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:37,373
You didn't even know
you were on a plane.

383
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:38,800
Aw.

384
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:44,047
And then she gave me the best
cookie of my entire life.

385
00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:46,382
Aw, cookie.

386
00:19:46,460 --> 00:19:50,053
After listening to the 14
hours of testimony today,

387
00:19:50,072 --> 00:19:52,722
I propose that Convenience Airways'

388
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,318
radical passenger control
system be approved for use

389
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:58,820
across the entire airline industry.

390
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,230
- Hear! Hear!
- Yes.

391
00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:01,291
I agree.

392
00:20:01,308 --> 00:20:02,808
Well, I say, trap-door them all

393
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:05,143
and let the FAA sort it out.

394
00:20:05,145 --> 00:20:06,311
Excellent.

395
00:20:06,313 --> 00:20:08,255
- So ordered.
- Wait.

396
00:20:08,406 --> 00:20:11,666
As the one person who was not
trap-doored on this flight,

397
00:20:11,785 --> 00:20:14,705
I believe I have the authority to say

398
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:19,393
that mass in-flight
incarceration is not the answer.

399
00:20:19,428 --> 00:20:21,084
We need thoughtful solutions

400
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:24,420
to this epidemic of
rudeness and disrespect.

401
00:20:24,498 --> 00:20:26,660
Sure, it's easy to push a button

402
00:20:26,695 --> 00:20:28,925
and drop all your
problems down a trap...

403
00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:31,278
door...!

404
00:20:31,923 --> 00:20:33,188
Ow!

405
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:35,783
Honey, are you hurt?

406
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:39,616
I'm okay. I landed on my hair.

407
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:54,751
In our Convenience
Airways in-flight prison,

408
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:56,786
cigarettes are not accepted as currency.

409
00:20:56,864 --> 00:21:00,123
Preferred method of
payment is sexual favors.

410
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:01,141
Please do not fashion

411
00:21:01,143 --> 00:21:03,473
the courtesy toothbrush into a shiv.

412
00:21:03,508 --> 00:21:06,872
Complimentary shivs are
provided upon request.

413
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:08,982
In the unlikely event
of a water landing,

414
00:21:08,984 --> 00:21:12,152
your cellmate may be used
as a floatation device.

415
00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:14,154
Should you tamper with your handcuffs,

416
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:16,472
you will be ejected from the plane.

417
00:21:16,550 --> 00:21:19,067
Parachutes are available
for purchase on our website.

418
00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:21,903
We know you have no choice
in airplane prisons,

419
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,981
but we appreciate you
being locked up with us.

420
00:21:25,059 --> 00:21:28,794
And don't forget to sign up
for our Frequent Felon Program.

421
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,711
Shh!

422
00:21:35,732 --> 00:21:38,738
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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