1 00:01:02,254 --> 00:01:06,006 Yeesh. The dollar store has definitely seen better days. 2 00:01:06,007 --> 00:01:09,677 Oh. This low-rent dump looks like the set of a zombie movie. 3 00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:13,055 Brands, brands. 4 00:01:13,056 --> 00:01:15,808 No one ever heard of these brands. 5 00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:20,521 Look, we spent a lot of money on food for tonight's party, 6 00:01:20,522 --> 00:01:24,901 so I have to scrimp on the utensils, paper plates and toilet paper. 7 00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:26,569 Hmm. 8 00:01:29,531 --> 00:01:33,701 Great. It's Helen Lovejoy. Quick, kids. Paper towels. 9 00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:35,786 Marge? Marge Simpson. 10 00:01:35,787 --> 00:01:38,372 I assumed that was you coming out of the shame store, 11 00:01:38,373 --> 00:01:39,957 so I rushed right over. 12 00:01:39,958 --> 00:01:41,458 Hi, Helen. 13 00:01:41,459 --> 00:01:44,503 Stocking up on potted meat and broken ramen packets? 14 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:49,383 You know, the church pantry is always open to the under-fortunate. 15 00:01:49,384 --> 00:01:53,596 I'm just getting some supplies for my birthday party tonight. 16 00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:56,515 Right. Your little backyard soiree. 17 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,392 For my birthday, Timothy took me 18 00:01:58,393 --> 00:02:01,770 on the Josh Groban Canadian canal cruise. 19 00:02:01,771 --> 00:02:05,232 But I'm sure your thing will be just as fun. 20 00:02:08,069 --> 00:02:09,153 Oh, boy. 21 00:02:22,334 --> 00:02:24,251 - What's her deal? 22 00:02:24,252 --> 00:02:26,378 She bumped into Helen Lovejoy at the shame store 23 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:27,963 and has been growling ever since. 24 00:02:27,964 --> 00:02:30,049 Don't worry. 25 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:33,636 Whenever she comes home with a murderous rage in her cute little eyes, 26 00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,304 she goes upstairs for a bit, 27 00:02:35,305 --> 00:02:40,184 then when she comes down, she's cool as a mule in summer school. 28 00:02:40,185 --> 00:02:44,146 I wonder what she does up there to de-stress herself so fully. 29 00:02:50,528 --> 00:02:53,197 You've reached your imagination limit for the month. 30 00:02:53,198 --> 00:02:55,575 To keep imagining, please subscribe. 31 00:02:56,159 --> 00:03:00,121 I can't imagine. But whatever she does, it works. 32 00:03:00,705 --> 00:03:02,706 All right, my lovables. 33 00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:05,876 Let's throw me the best birthday party ever. 34 00:03:09,172 --> 00:03:10,965 Who wants crab puffs? 35 00:03:10,966 --> 00:03:12,509 - Yeah. - Ah. 36 00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:17,054 Marge, this party is a hit. Even the Springfield celebs are here. 37 00:03:17,055 --> 00:03:22,434 I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye. Freaking Bumblebee Man is here. 38 00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:26,272 And you know who's not here? A bunch of snot-nosed children. 39 00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:28,065 Mwah! Where'd you put 'em all? 40 00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:31,945 I'm a pimple. 41 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:37,199 I never imagined that everyone in town would show up for my birthday. 42 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:41,870 Of course we did, Marge. Springfield adores you. 43 00:03:41,871 --> 00:03:43,664 You're a bake sale legend. 44 00:03:43,665 --> 00:03:47,376 You always have spare underwear for my Milhouse's uh-oh's. 45 00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:49,336 Plus you're always nice to everybody, 46 00:03:49,337 --> 00:03:53,173 even the town jerks, like me and, uh, no offense, Homer. 47 00:03:53,174 --> 00:03:54,300 Oh. 48 00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,760 By the Pinots ingested in me, 49 00:03:56,761 --> 00:04:00,931 I hereby decree Marge Simpson the nicest lady in Springfield. 50 00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:11,900 Last night was like something out of a dream. 51 00:04:11,901 --> 00:04:15,988 Yeah. Can you believe I went to work naked and my teeth all fell out? 52 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,907 I've enjoyed my share of balls before, 53 00:04:18,908 --> 00:04:21,035 but I was never the belle of one. 54 00:04:21,036 --> 00:04:23,245 And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, 55 00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:25,415 now I get to clean again. 56 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:30,461 Old sneakers, coveralls, industrial-grade kerchief. 57 00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:35,924 - It's gone. Where is it? Where is it? - Where's what? 58 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:39,136 - My box. My secret box. - The sex box? 59 00:04:39,137 --> 00:04:42,598 - No! No, my box of letters. - What letters? 60 00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:45,351 My secret box of hate letters. 61 00:04:46,394 --> 00:04:47,937 But the sex box is okay? 62 00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:51,398 Okay, here it goes. 63 00:04:51,399 --> 00:04:53,108 When I was a teenager, 64 00:04:53,109 --> 00:04:56,487 I would occasionally, and I'm not proud of this, 65 00:04:56,488 --> 00:04:57,946 get mad. 66 00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:01,116 Stupid Tim Meadows. 67 00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:04,871 Why the hell would you leave SNL? You're a linchpin. 68 00:05:05,789 --> 00:05:10,959 Then one day, I came across this article that would change my life forever. 69 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,545 It said when someone makes you angry, 70 00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:15,839 write them a fiery letter full of everything 71 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,927 you wish you could say to their face, then never send it. 72 00:05:19,928 --> 00:05:23,055 And poof. The bad feelings are gone forever. 73 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:26,517 From that day forward, I wrote hundreds of letters. 74 00:05:26,518 --> 00:05:30,562 And you know what? It made me a much nicer person. 75 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,606 Go jump in a wood chipper. 76 00:05:32,607 --> 00:05:34,358 Marge Simpson. 77 00:05:34,359 --> 00:05:37,403 And every time I wrote one, I felt much better. 78 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:42,658 With all my bad feelings tucked away and therefore gone. 79 00:05:42,659 --> 00:05:44,743 But those letters were just for me. 80 00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:47,746 They weren't meant to be read by anyone, ever. 81 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,331 We have to find them. 82 00:05:49,332 --> 00:05:52,167 Honey, relax. I'm sure they're around here somewhere. 83 00:05:52,168 --> 00:05:53,752 Maybe the cleaning lady moved them. 84 00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,754 I'm the cleaning lady! 85 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,673 Tell us where you moved them or you're fired. 86 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,846 Uh, Mom, you got a new message from an unknown number. 87 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:06,432 Dear Marge, we have your letters. 88 00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:10,352 If you wanna see them again, pay us $5,000. 89 00:06:10,353 --> 00:06:16,316 If not, we will show the world what a mean bitch Marge Simpson really is! 90 00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,778 Can we say that now? 91 00:06:23,491 --> 00:06:25,159 We've got to find that letter thief. 92 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:29,413 Okay, we've got photos of everyone who was at the party last night. 93 00:06:29,414 --> 00:06:32,332 All our dearest friends and loved ones. 94 00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:35,586 One of these scumbags is holding your mom's letters hostage. 95 00:06:35,587 --> 00:06:37,005 But who? 96 00:06:38,673 --> 00:06:39,965 My money's on Jasper. 97 00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:42,968 He's ugly, and ugly people are prone to crime. 98 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:46,805 I've always hated ugly people, and now I know why. 99 00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:51,310 Guys. Last night our friends and neighbors came to show Mom how much they love her. 100 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:54,313 We can't just accuse people willy-nilly. 101 00:06:54,314 --> 00:06:55,814 - Willie! - Willie! 102 00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:59,860 Of course. He was the ugliest guy at the party by a mile! 103 00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:01,778 Let's go burn down his shack. 104 00:07:01,779 --> 00:07:04,907 It's not Willie! Willie can't read! 105 00:07:04,908 --> 00:07:06,992 Oh, it's hopeless. 106 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:10,412 Everyone thinks I'm the sweetest lady in the world, 107 00:07:10,413 --> 00:07:13,040 like Ellen when she started her talk show. 108 00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:16,126 But if those letters get out, they'll all hate me. 109 00:07:16,127 --> 00:07:18,837 Like Ellen when she ended her talk show. 110 00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:23,091 Fear not, Marge. I know who can help us. Springfield's finest. 111 00:07:23,092 --> 00:07:24,426 Sorry, can't help you. 112 00:07:24,427 --> 00:07:27,930 What? Can't you trace the call or descramble the voice or something? 113 00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:32,184 I wish. But the wusses down at the statehouse defunded us. 114 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,686 I'm sorry, Marge, but you're on your own. 115 00:07:36,481 --> 00:07:41,276 Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief. Our budget was increased by 33%. 116 00:07:41,277 --> 00:07:46,615 Yeah, but it's a great excuse for when you wanna have a lazy Saturday. 117 00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:50,577 Help. I woke up in the bathtub with no kidneys. 118 00:07:50,578 --> 00:07:51,662 Defunded. 119 00:07:51,663 --> 00:07:54,748 Oh. Those letters can't get out. 120 00:07:54,749 --> 00:07:57,084 We're just gonna have to pay the ransom. 121 00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,044 But it's $5,000. 122 00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:01,755 Do you know how many kidneys you'd have to steal to get that? 123 00:08:01,756 --> 00:08:05,760 Oh, I think I know where we can get the money, but you're not gonna like it. 124 00:08:09,013 --> 00:08:12,474 Oh, I know there's always strings attached with you people, 125 00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:14,602 but there's no one else I can turn to. 126 00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:19,398 Fat Tony is currently out of town, so I came to you. 127 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,484 So can I borrow the money? 128 00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:28,991 No dice. That's what you get for repressing your emotions. 129 00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:33,412 You see, Marge, a woman's feelings are a lot like her boobs, 130 00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,497 always locked away when they're in public, 131 00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:39,669 but you gotta flop 'em out once in a while or you'll go bananas. 132 00:08:40,336 --> 00:08:42,505 Ah. At ease, men. 133 00:08:44,173 --> 00:08:46,633 The deadline's almost up. I don't have the money. 134 00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:48,093 What am I gonna do? 135 00:08:49,387 --> 00:08:50,512 Honey, wait. 136 00:08:50,513 --> 00:08:52,889 I've seen every movie about angry middle-aged men 137 00:08:52,890 --> 00:08:54,933 refusing to negotiate with kidnappers. 138 00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,311 I know how to talk to these people. 139 00:08:57,312 --> 00:08:59,479 Time's up, Marge. 140 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,315 This is Mr. Marge, dirt-butt, 141 00:09:01,316 --> 00:09:03,483 and you just signed your own death warrant. 142 00:09:03,484 --> 00:09:09,573 'Cause I'm a retired CIA ninja who just un-retired to chimp chomp your face! 143 00:09:09,574 --> 00:09:10,782 Hey, you listen here— 144 00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,743 No, you listen, butt-dirt! 145 00:09:12,744 --> 00:09:16,538 We want those letters on our doorstep by noon hundred hours tomorrow, 146 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:20,417 or I'm gonna be on you like a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy! 147 00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:23,629 Aloha means "hello" and "you're dead." 148 00:09:24,422 --> 00:09:25,630 Fixed it. 149 00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,632 Oh... 150 00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:31,219 We haven't heard from the letter-napper yet. 151 00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:33,138 I put the fear of God in 'em, Marge. 152 00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:36,058 Just like Father Snooze up there tries to do. 153 00:09:36,059 --> 00:09:40,395 Maybe you did scare them straight and this whole thing is behind us. 154 00:09:40,396 --> 00:09:41,563 Um... 155 00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:42,939 Before today's service, 156 00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:48,779 Mrs. Lovejoy would like to make a, uh, statement she could not be talked out of. 157 00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:50,781 Unless cooler heads have prevailed. 158 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:59,164 Last night, a vile, horrible letter was left at our doorstep 159 00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,166 and tore my world asunder. 160 00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,794 It reads, "Dear"-- and dear is in quotes— 161 00:10:03,795 --> 00:10:08,840 "Helen, in case you haven't been made aware, you are a bitch!" 162 00:10:12,261 --> 00:10:15,639 "You're a snobby little gossip who derives a vampiric pleasure 163 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,350 in the misfortune and minor foibles of others." 164 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,268 Wow, you're a good writer, Mom. 165 00:10:20,269 --> 00:10:21,353 Shh! 166 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:25,565 "Do me a favor and keep your surgically upturned nose out of my business. 167 00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:30,737 Josh Groban would hate your guts. Go jump in a wood chipper." 168 00:10:30,738 --> 00:10:32,407 And it's signed by... 169 00:10:33,116 --> 00:10:34,241 blank. 170 00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,284 The name was cut out. 171 00:10:37,412 --> 00:10:40,247 But I know exactly who wrote this despicable letter. 172 00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:46,503 Someone who's fooled this town for years with her sweet, gentle nature. 173 00:10:46,504 --> 00:10:48,004 Agnes Skinner. 174 00:10:48,005 --> 00:10:51,800 I would never write such vile things. 175 00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:55,345 I'd say 'em to your discount Botox face! 176 00:10:55,346 --> 00:10:58,014 Are you going to let her talk to me like that? 177 00:10:58,015 --> 00:10:59,391 Defend my honor. 178 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,810 Get him, Seymour. 179 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,311 But... But... He's a man of God. 180 00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:05,147 Shouldn't I turn the other cheek? 181 00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:07,190 Wuss fight! 182 00:11:07,191 --> 00:11:09,359 - Fight! Fight! Fight! - Fight! Fight! Fight! 183 00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:17,242 Look at the mayhem that just one of your letters can cause. 184 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:20,287 You have 60 minutes before I release them all 185 00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:25,418 and turn your life into an abominable hellscape of torment and woe! 186 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,296 Honey, you're missing the wuss fight. What's going on? 187 00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:32,633 I know just who the kidnapper is. 188 00:11:37,221 --> 00:11:39,557 More crab puffs coming right up! 189 00:11:41,142 --> 00:11:43,810 Hey, Shauna. Thanks again for babysitting. 190 00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:48,231 I'm sorry I forgot to mention it was 56 kids instead of the usual three. 191 00:11:48,232 --> 00:11:49,316 How is it? 192 00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:53,820 Ugh! It's an abominable hellscape of torment and woe. 193 00:11:53,821 --> 00:11:54,905 Wha... 194 00:11:54,906 --> 00:11:59,159 Oh, I'm reading a goth romance novel, and some of the vocab is sticking. 195 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,660 Hmm. 196 00:12:00,661 --> 00:12:02,829 - Ooh, crab puffs. - Uh-bup-bup. 197 00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:06,374 Why don't you eat the food I left in the kids' area? 198 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:09,252 But Milhouse sucked all the pigs out of the blankets. 199 00:12:09,253 --> 00:12:11,505 And Martin ate all the corn off the dogs. 200 00:12:11,506 --> 00:12:15,176 Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad. Who wants crab puffs? 201 00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:21,056 Ugh. Every time she hires me to babysit, 202 00:12:21,057 --> 00:12:23,767 she treats me like I freaking work for her. 203 00:12:23,768 --> 00:12:28,230 She acts like all I do around here is watch TV and try on her clothes. 204 00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:30,524 Uh, that is what you do. 205 00:12:30,525 --> 00:12:31,858 Yikes! 206 00:12:31,859 --> 00:12:34,736 How does she pull this off without looking like a skank? 207 00:12:34,737 --> 00:12:37,113 The pearls class the whole thing up. 208 00:12:37,114 --> 00:12:39,658 Everyone thinks she's such a saint. 209 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:42,327 Meanwhile, she's starving the one babysitter 210 00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,871 that's watching, like, every kid in town. 211 00:12:44,872 --> 00:12:46,873 Where are those kids anyway? 212 00:12:46,874 --> 00:12:48,584 Up your butt. I don't know. 213 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,297 Holy crab. 214 00:12:54,298 --> 00:12:58,802 Oh, man. This angry MILF hates everyone in town. 215 00:12:58,803 --> 00:13:00,595 I thought this box was gonna be full of, like, 216 00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:04,057 pot or grandma ashes, but this is even better. 217 00:13:04,058 --> 00:13:08,895 I bet Mrs. Bart's mom would pay anything to keep people from reading these letters. 218 00:13:08,896 --> 00:13:11,731 Even $5,000. 219 00:13:11,732 --> 00:13:14,776 With that kind of money, we could start over. 220 00:13:14,777 --> 00:13:17,070 Live a whole new life. 221 00:13:32,086 --> 00:13:33,420 Huh? 222 00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:37,173 Marge Simpson's gonna rue the day she ever messed with me. 223 00:13:37,174 --> 00:13:42,096 Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue the day she ever messed with me. 224 00:13:45,516 --> 00:13:49,477 an abominable hellscape of torment and woe! 225 00:13:49,478 --> 00:13:53,648 Shauna said that exact same phrase the night of the party. 226 00:13:53,649 --> 00:13:56,484 So she and the raccoon are working together. 227 00:13:56,485 --> 00:13:59,529 They probably stole our garbage too. So what's the plan? 228 00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:03,033 I know that on Sunday Shauna volunteers at the senior home 229 00:14:03,034 --> 00:14:04,868 to steal their medications. 230 00:14:04,869 --> 00:14:08,204 So this is the perfect time to break into her house 231 00:14:08,205 --> 00:14:09,789 and get those letters back. 232 00:14:09,790 --> 00:14:11,583 You wanna break into her house? 233 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,710 What would Marge say? 234 00:14:13,711 --> 00:14:15,170 You're Marge. 235 00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:21,260 Damn it. Superintendent Chalmers is home. We're gonna have to improvise. 236 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,889 Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson. 237 00:14:25,890 --> 00:14:29,100 To what do I owe the unannounced weekend visit? 238 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:34,856 Um... I'm writing an article for the PTA newsletter about you. 239 00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:36,066 Me? 240 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:38,943 Yes, an interview, really. Long form. 241 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,530 "Gary Chalmers: A Profile In Competence." 242 00:14:42,531 --> 00:14:45,700 Not "incompetence."In competence." 243 00:14:45,701 --> 00:14:46,994 Mmm. 244 00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:49,079 'Cause you're great. 245 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,081 Hmm. I wasn't aware that 246 00:14:51,082 --> 00:14:55,752 the PTA's biannual, one-page single-sided newsletter 247 00:14:55,753 --> 00:14:58,297 even did long form interviews. 248 00:14:59,173 --> 00:15:00,758 But how nice. Come on in. 249 00:15:01,425 --> 00:15:04,386 Uh, don't you need a pen or a recording device? 250 00:15:04,387 --> 00:15:07,639 Uh, no, no, I have a photographic memory. 251 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,433 For auditory speech? 252 00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:11,393 Yes. 253 00:15:11,394 --> 00:15:12,852 I think he's buying it. 254 00:15:12,853 --> 00:15:17,023 I'm not buying it, but why make up such an absurd story? 255 00:15:17,024 --> 00:15:21,361 Oh, dear God. Marge Simpson is coming on to me. 256 00:15:21,362 --> 00:15:26,700 So, how did you become so super at intending? 257 00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:29,744 Well, I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. 258 00:15:29,745 --> 00:15:32,247 No, Gary! Not with another school parent. 259 00:15:32,248 --> 00:15:35,166 The Van Houten woman is still blowing up your phone. 260 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,877 I have to put an end to this right now. 261 00:15:37,878 --> 00:15:41,424 Look, I'm very sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but I'm gonna have to ask you... 262 00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:45,719 if you would like some plum wine. 263 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,472 Come on, Homer, rummage like the wind! 264 00:15:49,223 --> 00:15:51,141 Another stupid kid 265 00:15:51,142 --> 00:15:54,185 wearing an old T-shirt of a band they know nothing about. 266 00:15:54,186 --> 00:15:57,982 I bet she can't name one song by Planned Parenthood. 267 00:15:59,483 --> 00:16:01,151 Got it! 268 00:16:04,321 --> 00:16:08,825 Oh, if there's a lovelier music than samba, I don't want to hear it. 269 00:16:08,826 --> 00:16:11,661 Have you ever been to Brasil? 270 00:16:11,662 --> 00:16:13,747 Very liberated country. 271 00:16:13,748 --> 00:16:15,832 - You don't say. 272 00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:17,417 - ¿Qué diablos? 273 00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:18,543 What was that? 274 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:20,378 Just the house settling, I bet. 275 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:23,715 With this framing, not likely. I better go check it out. 276 00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:31,181 Uh, I think I have enough for my article, Superintendent. 277 00:16:31,182 --> 00:16:32,932 Thanks again for your time. 278 00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:36,186 But... But... I... 279 00:16:36,187 --> 00:16:38,105 It's probably for the best. 280 00:16:43,319 --> 00:16:45,028 We did it! 281 00:16:45,029 --> 00:16:48,573 Sorry, Shauna Chalmers. Letter luck next time. 282 00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:49,657 What the... 283 00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:51,827 Goth romance novels? 284 00:16:52,953 --> 00:16:54,871 She took the letters out! 285 00:16:54,872 --> 00:16:56,956 Oh! 286 00:16:56,957 --> 00:17:02,170 Oh, it's hopeless. Shauna is probably spreading them all over town by now. 287 00:17:02,171 --> 00:17:06,007 Everyone's gonna know what a terrible person I am inside. 288 00:17:09,303 --> 00:17:10,303 What the... 289 00:17:10,304 --> 00:17:11,847 My letters! 290 00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:14,016 Step on it, Jimbo. 291 00:17:21,857 --> 00:17:23,525 Marge, what are you... 292 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:37,623 Give me back my letters! 293 00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:44,463 Go get her, Marge! I've got this punk. 294 00:17:46,715 --> 00:17:48,467 I don't got this punk. 295 00:18:01,397 --> 00:18:02,814 Stop right there! 296 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:06,067 Come any closer and I'll, like, like, drop 'em or whatever. 297 00:18:06,068 --> 00:18:10,488 Why'd you do it, Shauna? Was all this over a stupid crab puff? 298 00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:13,908 No. When I found those letters, I thought they were awesome. 299 00:18:13,909 --> 00:18:17,412 You totally nailed all the cringos in this cringe town. 300 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:19,831 And then I read the letter you wrote to me. 301 00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:22,500 Oh, Shauna. I never meant for you— 302 00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:27,130 You called me a hormonal little snot with more piercings than brains. 303 00:18:27,131 --> 00:18:29,924 And you're supposed to be the nicest lady in town? 304 00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:34,012 I am nice. I-I just write these letters when I'm filled with anger. 305 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:37,515 And then, afterwards, I'm over it. I swear. 306 00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:40,143 There's, like, 30-year-old letters in here. 307 00:18:40,144 --> 00:18:42,562 If you're so over it, why'd you save 'em? 308 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,983 it brings me peace! 309 00:18:46,984 --> 00:18:48,234 Give me my letters! 310 00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:50,987 Shauna! 311 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,616 Don't let me die. 312 00:18:54,617 --> 00:18:57,327 I wanna live to be old and fat like you. 313 00:18:57,328 --> 00:19:00,831 I can save you both. No! 314 00:19:02,082 --> 00:19:04,168 I got you, Shauna! 315 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,255 Thanks, Mrs. S. I'm really sorry. 316 00:19:09,256 --> 00:19:10,925 I know, sweetie. 317 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,427 Well, they're all out there now. 318 00:19:14,428 --> 00:19:18,973 All my unspoken grievances and resentments for the world to read. 319 00:19:18,974 --> 00:19:23,186 Hey, look! A letter from Marge Simpson, addressed directly to me. 320 00:19:23,187 --> 00:19:28,651 "Dear Chief, you give fat, do-nothing, doughnut-eating cops a bad name!" 321 00:19:29,151 --> 00:19:31,444 "A soulless dead-eyed creepozoid"? 322 00:19:31,445 --> 00:19:34,155 "A greasy fingered know-it-all"? 323 00:19:34,156 --> 00:19:37,158 "An amoral home-wrecker and a never-was singer"? 324 00:19:37,159 --> 00:19:41,412 "A deviant letch who can't keep his busy hands to himself"? 325 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:46,042 "A smoking hot comedic linchpin who should have never left Studio 8H"? 326 00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,963 There's the hateful epistolist 327 00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:55,427 who called me an operatic... blowhard! 328 00:20:00,057 --> 00:20:03,184 Hi, everyone. I just want to apologize. 329 00:20:03,185 --> 00:20:05,311 Not for having negative feelings, 330 00:20:05,312 --> 00:20:08,356 but for keeping them to myself all these years. 331 00:20:08,357 --> 00:20:12,443 Even though I smiled in your face, I was secretly furious. 332 00:20:12,444 --> 00:20:15,113 And that wasn't fair to you or to me. 333 00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:17,699 So do you hate us all? 334 00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:22,578 No! No, I love the people of this town. Even when we butt heads. 335 00:20:23,664 --> 00:20:24,790 - Butt heads. - Butt heads. 336 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:26,291 Aw. 337 00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:29,544 But I'd rather you all think of me as an honest person 338 00:20:29,545 --> 00:20:34,883 with real, complex emotions, and not someone who's just nice. 339 00:20:35,384 --> 00:20:36,509 Thank you. 340 00:20:36,510 --> 00:20:41,431 Let's hear it for Marge Simpson! The most three-dimensional woman in town! 341 00:20:41,432 --> 00:20:43,600 - Bravo, Marge! 342 00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,479 Helen, hi. 343 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,983 Marge, I know it was you who wrote me that scornful letter. 344 00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,985 And I just wanted to say, 345 00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:57,905 I'm sorry for being so snarky and elitist in the past. 346 00:20:57,906 --> 00:21:01,492 Oh. Why, thank you. Apology acce— 347 00:21:01,493 --> 00:21:04,287 As someone so well-off and closer to God, 348 00:21:04,288 --> 00:21:08,291 it's easy for me to look down my naturally perfect nose at you. 349 00:21:08,292 --> 00:21:09,834 But that ends now. 350 00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:11,669 Oh, I'm glad to hear it. 351 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:16,174 Oh, I envy this new you, Marge. Honest and boorishly uncouth. 352 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,425 Right. 353 00:21:17,426 --> 00:21:20,970 Anyway, I'm off to the good hairdresser. Oh, not the one you're thinking of. 354 00:21:20,971 --> 00:21:23,140 This one's better. Toodles. 355 00:21:23,932 --> 00:21:26,184 Oh, wait, wait, one-one more thing, Helen. 356 00:21:26,185 --> 00:21:27,602 Yes? 357 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:29,437 Kiss my ass! 358 00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,160 "Dear Marge. 359 00:21:44,161 --> 00:21:45,953 Where the hell do you get off? 360 00:21:45,954 --> 00:21:50,291 My career choices are nobody's business but mine, and maybe my manager's. 361 00:21:50,292 --> 00:21:54,003 The next time you wanna tell me what other boneheaded mistakes I've made, 362 00:21:54,004 --> 00:21:57,632 I hope you do me a favor and go jump in a wood chipper. 363 00:21:57,633 --> 00:22:00,803 Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows." 364 00:22:01,553 --> 00:22:03,180 Wow, that does feel good. 365 00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:06,933 "Dear Lorne Michaels. 366 00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:08,726 Where the hell do you get off?" 367 00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:12,146 - "Dear TGI Fridays. 368 00:22:12,147 --> 00:22:13,899 Where the hell do you get off?" 369 00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:16,609 "Dear Sunglass Hut. 370 00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:18,153 Where the hell do you get off?" 371 00:22:19,321 --> 00:22:20,947 "Dear Quiznos. 372 00:22:20,948 --> 00:22:22,658 Where the hell do you get off?" 373 00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:25,536 - Shh. - Where the hell do you get off?