This is a 1908 first edition Model T,
with a 30-inch pneumatic clincher.
A top speed of 42 miles per hour, and an outmoded nickel crank.
Speaking of outmoded cranks, here's the owner, C. Montgomery Burns.
You'll have to pry this car from my cold, dead hand.
Hmm. Well done.
All that for today's episode of Comedians in Cars Kvetching.
With my guest Krusty the Clown.
Today's colleges are too PC.
Don't get me started on today's colleges.
Apparently, college kids don't dig my Ho Chi Minnow character anymore.
What's not to like? It's a communist fish!
Oh, I wish I could do drivel like you, Jerry.
Drivel. Funny word. What's the plural? "Drivelous"?
That looks like you'll be jaywalking home.
Every time a rich comedian runs out of ideas, he does a car show.
Oh, no. It's Carpool Karaoke.
Yawn. Everything is so "drivelous".
Farmers.
Bazinga'd out.
Too much sleaze.
Too many fleas.
We never watch what I wanna watch.
Okay. What do you want to watch?
Oh. I didn't think I'd get my way.
So much pressure.
Okay. Scanning through 1000 channels and…
nothing good.
Mom, maybe you could tell a story about us when we were younger.
Um, we've done that a few times. Not sure what stories are left.
Maggie's first tooth, Grampa's last tooth,
the time Homer thought he invented stuffed crust pizza.
I did invent it.
I'm the Thomas Edison of stuffing things with cheese.
Including yourself.
Why you, little.
Your primitive strangling is no match for fireplace tongs.
We just made some memories, boy.
Well, at least we used the fireplace for once.
And this does remind me of a story.
It's a story of a very sad time,
a time when we thought Bart might be a truly bad boy.
It was four years ago.
Bart was six, and Homer was gently reading little Lisa to sleep.
"The scared little bird walked up to the steam shovel.
Are you my mother? Asked the bird.
The steam shovel said, snort!"
This story is terrifying.
Okay, fine. We'll read a totally not scary book
about two lost children about to be eaten by a witch.
Witches, steam shovels, empty pants.
One more thing and I'm gonna scream.
I caught a frog, I caught a frog.
Ooh. Where did he go?
What's going on in there?
Boy, quit scaring your sister.
I still have nightmares about that frog. Thanks a lot, Bart.
Hey, my life was great before you came along.
- I didn't ask to be born. - Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't. - Did, did, did.
Kids, kids, you're both unwanted.
Now, let's get back to the story.
What creates a misbehaver?
In some cases, it could be a father who is occasionally inconsiderate.
Saying Homer was occasionally inconsiderate
is like saying Shamu is sometimes a whale.
Did you know there were nine different Shamus?
I'd rank 'em this way six, five, two, three...
We're not ranking Shamus again.
I'll just conclude by saying, a whale in captivity just lasts a week.
It's a good week. Except for the last two hours.
As I was saying, sometimes your father even forgot you were there.
Mmm. Carrot.
Homer, there's someone else here who might have wanted that cookie.
Aw. Sorry, boy.
Ew. Carrot.
You know, the more I think about it, Homie,
I think you may be a disconnected parent.
Me disconnected?
Listen, buster, if you don't bond with him soon, we're gonna have problems.
Whenever you call me buster, it means something is really bad.
That's right, mister.
Mister is worse than buster.
Since we're having trouble communicating,
we'll use this whiteboard to tell each other how we feel.
But even when Homer tried to help, it didn't help.
Your turn, boy. Write how you feel.
- I... - No, no, no, no.
You're not supposed to use that hand. Try again, Son.
Still wrong.
Hey!
This is the hand I wanna use.
This is the hand the world wants you to use. Listen to the world.
Never!
Repeat after me: "Right is right."
Right is wrong!
It's so hard being a good father.
How did people raise kids before duct tape?
It got to where all Bart could think about
was how mad he was at Homer.
Great news! The doctor says I'm not stupid like everyone thinks.
I just needed glasses.
Bet you didn't see that coming. Ha-ha!
Ha-ha? I've never said that before. It's beautiful.
Ha-ha!
Those "ha-ha" s, they speak to me.
I no longer want to be a doctor. I want to be a bully.
Bart, don't you wish someone would stand up to bullies?
Ha-ha! Hey, that feels great.
Whatcha plottin', boy? Revenge?
Some bullies have to be taught a lesson.
Oh, I understand. Back in double-ya double-ya two-ble-ya,
I fought the biggest bullies in the world.
Got any grenades?
Nope. Used the last one yesterday to warm my soup.
Oh, the nonsense I spout.
- Ay, caramba! - Why, why, why? D'oh!
My first prank.
Bart hurt Dad!
My first tattle. When I first knew my two shoes were goody.
Lisa sucks!
One of many Lisa suckses.
Bart, be nice.
Heavenly Father, Lisa sucks. Lisa sucks. Amen.
Meanwhile, back in the past, Bart was acting as bad as he does today.
But back then we didn't know why.
Homer, I'm afraid Bart may be a… …bad seed.
Bad seed? What does that mean?
- He's a ne'er-do-well. - A ne'er-do-what?
He's no darn good!
We tried everything the Reverend recommended to fix Bart's bad behavior.
Prayer, ignoring it, donating $20. Nothing worked.
My recommendation is a larger donation.
Thanks for nothing.
I need backup. Get me back up. Literally.
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
A fat man running in and slipping on a toy. That's hilarious.
Yeah, well, I sort of get it.
We decided you needed professional help.
I'll do everything I can.
Doctor?
Oh, I see. I'm afraid Bart will have to see a specialist.
I have more pressing duties.
- Pfizer visor? - Don't mind if I do.
It's normal for boys Bart's age to test the limits with their fathers.
Let's take a look at Bart's file. Let's see.
Loading, loading.
Loading.
Oh, my God. He's attacking his grandfather.
That's his father.
He's aged that poor man that much?
What the?
Homer is 38.
Dear God.
Bart, you're a very special boy.
And sometimes special boys need to go to special places.
Don't worry, that's not one of our kids.
It's one of the scary movies we let them watch.
This is not where my son belongs.
Sorry, not up to you.
It's up to the ultimate authority in compassionate parenting: state law.
The law? He's just a boy.
To be incarcerated,
the child has to know the difference between right and wrong.
Oh, I know. Right is wrong. Right is wrong.
Okay. I'm just going to say it. The boy is a P-S-Y-C-H-O.
Psycho!
And there's your second opinion.
With an emergency court order, we can get him immediately into this facility.
The social workers will come Monday
in a windowless van disguised as a colorful ice-cream truck.
No!
It's for Bart's own good.
We have to get him out of this horrible situation he's in.
You mean our home?
Not your home. The terrible people in it. The house looks absolutely lovely.
Thank you. I try.
But before you leave this office, Bart, you get a treat.
Ooh, candy. Mmm.
Those aren't candies, those are meds, and you just took a year's worth.
Okay, okay. When they show up,
we just have to convince them we're nice and normal.
Nice and normal.
Oh, we're doomed.
Oh, no.
Oh…
Welcome to Baby Juvie, kid.
This is so unfair. He's just a boy.
There's no minimum age for detention in America.
In Florida, for example, it's as young as seven.
How do I know all this in my dream?
Oh, you're "sloogling". Sleeping while googling.
Take him away, toys.
We really miss you, boy.
The cow says… …Moo!
That's a phone call you never wanna get.
You know what these signify? That's right. It's all the times I cried.
Told you not to read Charlotte's Web.
How should I know spiders have such a short lifespan?
I'll shorten your lifespan.
You keep Charlotte's name out of your mouth.
Throw 'em in the pit.
Son, I'm breaking you out of here.
Thank God this is just a dream.
I… should… have… checked… consumer reports!
I gotta save him.
Boy, I won't let them condemn you to a life of mental health.
I don't know whether you're a bad kid or not,
but we're gonna drive until we figure out what's wrong with you.
- Well, if you want to know... - We can talk in the car.
Also, no talking in the car. I'll be playing sports talk radio.
Come on, Steve, if major league players
just knew how to bunt with a man on third,
we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
We'd be eating a hot dog with your sister.
I was taking a journey to save my son, but do you know who I was actually saving?
- Yourself. - Would you like to tell the story, Lisa?
- Not really. - I wish you would.
You're much better than me.
Thank you. I will. If you don't mind, I'll podcast it too.
This is Lisa Simpson with Small Town Dorks.
Father and son needed to flee, but first they needed essential supplies.
Oh, my God. They found us.
Relax, pally. They're here for the donuts, not for you.
Word on the street is it's free donut day.
I'm afraid you've been misinformed.
- Well, is it free coffee with purchase... - I'm afraid not.
Well, you're coming downtown to where I live,
to teach my wife how to make donuts. Let's go.
Look at him. After causing all this trouble.
He's a pain in the neck. He's uncontrollable. He's…
He's me.
Son, for you, the last donut. Bup.
Thanks, man.
Aw. Being a father is finally worth it.
How did I do this? Lou, I'm scared.
- We better amscray. - Amscray? What's that mean?
I don't know, and I probably never will. Now we gotta scram.
What's this dump?
Oh, I'd come here when things got hairy with my father.
Myrna, Myrna, why did you leave me?
Dad, It's been ten years, and her name is Mona.
Don't you tell me how to grieve.
Who do you think you're comforting? Skedaddle!
Nobody loves me.
You know, maybe my father's insensitivity to me led to my insensitivity to you.
- Dad? - There's a pattern here.
Dad!
Maybe, just maybe, if I could break the cycle...
Dad, look. A full can of beer.
Whoo!
What was I saying? Uh, it must not have been important.
Tonight we sleep here. Tomorrow, we make for Canada, the Mexico of Alaska.
I'm gonna say the rudest thing a Canadian has ever said.
Sorry, but no.
Here's some maple syrup for your trip back, eh?
Thanks for nothing.
Fine, we'll hide here. It'll be magic. Pick a poop window.
You and me against the world, Son.
Now, let's get some sleep.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too.
This childhood is over.
And in case we have to deal with that quote unquote "father", I brought this.
Boy, they're coming for you.
We have the tree surrounded.
Just toss your boy out of the window, headfirst,
- and no one gets hurt. - Never!
We've got the one thing no kid can resist. Glow sticks.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Come on, boy. Gotta be strong.
- Do as I say. - Colors, colors, colors,
- colors, colors, colors. - Neon pink. No, it's a trap.
Listen to me, Son. The glow sticks are beautiful now,
but you'll feel cheap when you see them in the morning.
Also, the insides taste like crap.
No!
Just take a bite of this ice cream, young man. And we can be on our way.
No, it's drugged!
My thoughts, they're getting organized.
I'm remembering my PIN codes and my passwords,
where I parked at Itchy & Scratchy Land.
Oh, my God. I remember Marge's birthday.
- Oh, yeah, that's pretty neat. - Not bad. That's pretty cool.
But the biggest thing I remember is, my son is not a bad boy.
You've mistaken my indifference,
my ham-handed attempts to help him grow up,
and my borderline alcoholism for me not giving a damn.
Let them go!
Sorry, Marge, I have a court order that says otherwise.
Doctor, I've never thought more clearly in my life.
This is my son, and I love him.
Losing him would be like losing my arm,
the important one, the one I bowl with. Please.
They teach us at Johns Hopkins not to have feelings.
But damn it, this is getting to me.
Why?
Son, what do you want?
Use this whiteboard.
D'oh! Whoo-hoo!
We're done here.
Thank God.
Give your dad a kiss, Son.
Ow! It's like sandpaper.
Come on, dig in there good.
Mwah!
And that was the first of many times we fended off family services.
Not again.
You know what to do, people.
I just can't give away these oatmeal cookies.
Yoink!
Just take the ding dang plate!
Shh!