and NICKELODEON]
MRS. Okay, class, quiet, quiet.
Now, get out your pencils and paper
and write down the assignment.
Did you hear that?
We get an assignment.
Everyone must write an essay on what not to do
at a stoplight.
Did you hear that?
What not to do at a stoplight!
In no less than 800 words!
Did you hear that? 800 words?
Yeah, I know!
Due tomorrow.
And remember, class: work hard and no goofing off.
Okay, Gary, no goofing off!
I am about to write the greatest essay
of all time.
Like most great essays, it will be written
on paper.
Even more important than the paper is...
the pencil.
A pencil is sharp or as dull as I like.
Hmm, funny, as my ideas grow, you shrink.
Well, I couldn't have asked
for a more beautiful day to write an essay.
Okay, here we go.
"What Not To Do At A Stoplight."
Hey, this is easy.
"By SpongeBob Squarepants."
Ha! This essay is pure gold.
And now, pencil, get ready to do your stuff
because here we go.
Gee...
this is harder than I thought.
Come on, SpongeBob!
It should be against the law to have to write an essay
on such a super sailorific, sunshiny day!
Oh!
But I must press onward,
because with this pencil and the completion of this essay,
I'll be one step closer to my driver's license!
Oh, yeah.
This'll be no problemo.
Why, I got plenty of time. It's only 6:00.
Okay... okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Ahh!
I know, I just need to get
a little blood pumpin' in the old noodle.
How about some calisthenics?
Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo! Hup-hoo!
Ah, I can feel those juices pumpin' now!
Hey! What am I doing?
I got to write that paper!
Come on, pencil, make words.
Gary!
Hey, hey, hey
Gary, how's my favorite mollusk?
How about you let ol' SpongeBob
fix you up something to eat?
What do you mean, you're not hungry?
I know I have an essay to write!
Now come on, Gary!
I got to make sure you get your nutrition
so I'm not leaving until you eat every single bite.
Gary, a-are you sure you don't want
some crème brulée?
Or-or some chocoflavored algae bits?
Gee, Gary sure made a mess.
I can't work on my essay
knowing there's a mess in the kitchen.
Hmm...
I might as well clean the rest of the floor
while I'm at it.
I should get these hard-to-reach places, too.
And these dishes need to be cleaned.
Can't have dirty garbage.
Well, I think it's clean enough now.
Why, that didn't take too long. It's only...
10:00!
Oh!
No more fooling around.
I got to get back to work.
Okay, Mr. Essay, I say
prepare to be written!
I'm doing it!
Yeah, yeah! Yeah!
And some of these... and some of these...
Almost there and...
Now let's see how it looks so far.
"The..."
Break time!
Pacing always helps me think.
Let's see, only 799 words to go.
Think, SpongeBob, think!
W-Who's that? Wha...? Hello?
Hey, Patrick, what you up to?
Sleeping.
That's really fascinating.
Are you having a good sleep?
Any dreams you'd like to discuss?
I remember on the...
SpongeBob?
You and I both know that you're just using me
as a distraction
so you don't have to write your essay.
That is not true!
I called to have an engaging conversation with you.
Well, I'm listening.
Uh... Marco...
Polo.
Yeah, well, I got to get going, Patrick.
Got an important essay to write.
Sheesh, what a chatterbox.
Can't he see that I'm busy?
I can't write with all these eraser shavings
all over my paper.
Now they're floating around my thinking space.
So long, pesky particles.
I swallowed one!
I'm choking!
Water!
That was a close one.
What do you mean
overly dramatic, Gary?
All that choking sure made me hungry.
I can't write on an empty stomach, Gary.
I got to have my brain food.
Now, let's see... white or rye bread?
Or pumpernickel?
Gee, I guess it really depends on the meat inside...
and the cheese.
A visitor?
For me?
Hello.
Package for Mr. Squarepants.
Great!
Thanks!
So, uh, you like delivering mail?
It puts bread on the table.
Rye or pumpernickel?
Oh, brother.
So, do you deliver your own mail
or do you have your own mailperson?
But then who delivers his mail?
Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen
delivering mail to other mailmen?
Well, I guess a P.O. box
could, in theory, break the chain...
Don't you have a paper to write?
How did he know I'm supposed to be writing an essay?
In other news
local resident SpongeBob Squarepants
only has a few hours left to complete his essay
and yet he continues to goof off.
When will he learn?
Hey, SpongeBob.
Over here.
Come on, take a seat.
Put your feet up and relax.
Oh, no!
Midnight!
Must... get... back to desk!
Whew!
That was a close call.
My pants!
Yoo-hoo. Down here.
You get up here!
I got to get back to work!
Freedom!
Stop, pants!
You get back here this instant...
pants!
Time's... up... SpongeBob.
Burning!
Only 799 words to go!
No!
What have I done?
Help!
Help, my house is on fire!
SpongeBob, why?
Why did you set me on fire, SpongeBob?
Why didn't you just write your essay?
Stop wasting time!
Where's my essay?
Oh, there you are.
I must have dozed off.
Let's see, where are we?
Do I dare look at the clock?
It's almost 9:00!
Class starts in five minutes!
How am I going to write this whole paper
in five minutes?
How am I supposed to know what not to do at a stoplight?
Feeding your snail is something not to do
at a stoplight...
and making a sandwich and-and lighting candles
and drinking water and calling your friends
and karate chopping the TV
and shooting the breeze with the mailman
and falling asleep and...
Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff, I'm finished!
All 800 words!
I'm finished! Here it is!
They... Mrs. Puff?
Where is everybody?
Oh, there you are, SpongeBob.
Here you go, Mrs. Puff.
800 words, all about stoplights and what not to do at them.
I'm sorry, SpongeBob, I tried to call you.
I have to go to a teachers' convention.
But what about my essay?
I decided to cancel the assignment.
We're just going to take a field trip
to a stoplight instead.
See you next week.
Whoo!
Oh, sweep, sweep.
Need... furniture!
Patrick, what's with the home improvement?
Hey, Patrick!
Ooh, sweep, sweep!
Well, Patrick, I came over to see
if you wanted to go jelly fishing
but I can see you're busy having an episode.
You know something, Spongebob?
it's just all fun and games for you.
Nothing really matters.
"Oh, let's go jelly fishing!
"We don't have any work to do.
"Life is just a big bowl of fancy, assorted cashews
"and nobody has anything to dust or to clean
or to wipe, or fabricate!"
But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean
is your plate.
I don't know what to do, Spongebob.
You got to help me!
Patrick, you forgot how to eat again.
Come on, we'll get the funnel.
No, it's not that, Spongebob; it's worse.
Darn, I like the funnel.
Well, what is it then?
Look!
Hey, a note.
Yeah, but turn it over.
There's a letter.
You're right.
And I got this message from my parents.
Your parents?
"Dear Patrick, Your mom and I
"are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day.
"Please try to remember, but don't try too hard
"or you'll hurt yourself like last time.
Love, Daddy."
Spongebob, my parents think I'm dumber
than a sack of diapers.
No, they don't, Patrick.
Parents just like to push your buttons...
like this— Nee!
That always cheers me up.
But not today.
Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb
then they must not know what dumb really is.
But don't they watch television?
That's what I'm saying, Pat.
If your parents got to meet a real dummy
they'd realize what genius you really are.
Oh, but don't genius live in a lamp?
And besides, we don't know any dumb people.
Don't worry, Patrick.
I'll be the dummy!
When your parents see how dumb I act
they'll think you're the smartest guy ever.
Math is power!
A, B, C, D
E, F, G...
Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...
Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?
W, X, Y and Z?
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Son, you recognized us this time.
Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?
You never were a bright one.
Uh...
Well, aren't you going to show us inside?
He probably forgot where it is.
I know where...
Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost, huh?
Hold hands now.
Okay, we're almost there.
Let go on three.
One, two, three.
Good job!
Pats for Patrick.
I'll go get the beverages.
Wow, son!
You put the drinks in something this time.
Aw, son, you must've been working all night
to put these together for us.
We love you.
I mean, I'll get it.
Protective helmet— check.
I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary.
What could go wrong?
What a surprise.
Hi.
Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, Spongebob.
Hi.
Hello there.
How do you do?
Hi.
Put her there.
Mama, Mama!
He means shake.
No, Spongebob, no!
Shake hands.
No, Spongebob.
Grab my dad's hand.
Grab it with only one hand.
Good boy!
Now move your arm up and down.
So, Spongebob, do you live nearby?
Hi.
No, Spongebob. Show them your house.
No, not your blouse, your house.
He lives in a fruit?
That's unhealthy.
Hey, Spongebob!
You want to stay for dinner?
Does he always do that after he eats?
Only on Wednesday.
Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.
Yeah, and it would take more than some masking tape
to fix that guy.
Whoa! Is he going to be okay?
Oh, that's nothing.
You should see him in the morning
prancing around, yelling, "Harmony! Harmony! Harmony!
He drives all the neighbors crazy.
Why, just the other day our neighbor Squidward was...
There's really no help for him.
I mean, look at the way he's dressed.
Only somebody with holes drilled in their head
would wear that stuff.
And how about this shape?
I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested
but never box-chested!
Hey, Spongebob, do you have any mascara I could borrow?
The boy wears makeup?
What a card!
Hey, Patrick.
Patrick!
Aw, he said my name.
Wow, how'd you train him to do that?
Ow! He bit me.
Patrick, meet me in the kitchen.
Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation.
A dumb one!
So, what's on your mind?
No, wait!
I already know the answer: nothing.
See, that's funny, 'cause you're dumb!
Patrick, could you let up on the insults
just a little bit?
Oh, we're those too complicated for you?
I'll try dumbing them down a bit.
Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb.
That's just what I'd expect you to say.
Dumb people are always blissfully unaware
of how dumb they really are.
I'm only pretending to be dumb.
It was our plan, remember?
Oh, Spongebob, if only you could see
how stupid you sound right now
with your talk of imaginary plans.
Tell you what, you've caught me in a good mood.
I'll humor you.
Go on. Go out there and act smart for everyone.
Okay, I will.
And-and don't worry; I'll keep this warm for you.
I have a confession to make.
I lied about being stupid.
I just acted like a fool
so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more.
I know how to talk and eat and do laundry—
I even separate the darks and the lights.
So what do you say we start over and try again.
Hi. My name is Spongebob Squarepants
and I am not a dummy.
Amazing. Three minutes in the kitchen
and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences.
Oh, good work, son.
It wasn't easy, Dad.
B-but-but...
It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man.
Now listen to me! I'm not dumb!
I have a brain. See, here's a picture of it.
That must be actual size.
No! It's normal size and fully functional.
Watch.
Two plus two equals four.
Oh, son, you taught him math, too.
No!
And you taught him to sing.
Oh, now he's short-circuiting.
You must've taught him a little too much.
You know, son
I've always known that when it comes to brightness
well, you're about a three-watt.
But this guy... he's a wet match in a dark cave.
He makes phone operators seem smart.
But more importantly, son
he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become.
I-I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time.
Isn't that right, Janet?
You bet, Marty.
Janet?
Marty?
Who are you people?
Marty, I'm scared.
Excuse me.
Does this lovely couple belong to you?
They've been standing outside my house saying
"Where's Patrick?" all day.
It's driving me nuts!
Mom! Dad!
Wow, son, you actually recognized us this time.
And you remembered to get dressed today.
Oh, that's right, honey, we don't have a son.
Oh, yeah.
[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and NICKELODEON