I CAN'T HEARYOU.
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
♪ READY?
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
HELP!
HEY, YAH!
HELP, HELP.
WHOA, STOP.
THERE, THERE, YOU'RE SAFE NOW, LITTLE LADY.
YOU FOOL.
YOU'VE FALLEN INTO MY TRAP.
NOW YOU'RE MINE, SPONGEBOB THE STRONG.
SO WE MEET AGAIN, CRAZYFISH.
BRING IT ON.
WITH PLEASURE.
SO LOUD.
YOU READY TO GET CRAZY, HUH, CRAZYFISH?
YOU BET YOUR FROSTING, SPONGE-CAKE.
SORRY, I'M NOT WEARING ANY FROSTING.
HEY, THAT'S CHEATING.
NO, IT'S NOT.
YES, IT IS. NO, IT'S NOT.
IS NOT. IS TOO.
IS NOT, IS NOT... IS TOO, IS TOO...
UM, GUYS?
ANYWAY, YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.
IS NOT! IS TOO.
GUYS.
IS TOO, IS TOO... IS NOT...
THE TRAIN!
DON'T WORRY, I'M READY.
BRING IT ON.
OH, GOOD MORNING GARE-BEAR.
MEOW.
I KEPT YOU UP ALL NIGHT WITH MY NOCTURNAL OUTBURSTS?
AGAIN?
MEOW?
NO, NO, TUESDAY NIGHT WAS THE ONE
WITH THE 30-FOOT LIBRARIAN.
LAST NIGHT WAS THE ONE WHERE I DEFEAT
NOTORIOUS ARCH-VILLAIN JACK M. CRAZYFISH
USING THE SHEER FORCE
OF MY AWESOMELY DEVELOPED MUSCULATURE.
WHEW, WHAT A RELIEF.
FOR A SECOND THERE I THOUGHT I GAVE MYSELF A BLACK...
WHOA... OH.
EYE.
MEOW.
GO AWAY, GARY.
I'M BUSY... WALLOWING.
MEOW?
I DID SOMETHING SO DUMB TO MYSELF
THAT EVEN YOU WOULD LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AT ME.
MEOW.
YOU PROMISE YOU WON'T LAUGH?
OK, HERE GOES.
GARY, I GAVE MYSELF A BLACK EYE
TRYING TO OPEN THE TOOTHPASTE.
THANKS FOR NOT LAUGHING, GARE.
I KNEW YOU'D...
GARE?
HI, SPONGEBOB.
HEY, COOL GLASSES.
CAN I TRY THEM ON... OH!
SPONGEBOB, YOUR EYE.
IT'S ALL BLACK AND SWOLLEN.
HOW'D YOU MESS YOUR EYE UP, SPONGEBOB?
DID SOMEBODY HIT YOU?
WHERE IS HE?
YEAH, WE'LL SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.
WE'LL SUE HIM.
NO, NO, IT'S OK, PATRICK.
HE, UH...
HE LEARNED HIS LESSON.
ARE YOU SURE, SPONGEBOB?
WHO WAS THIS GUY ANYWAY?
HMM...
IT WAS JACK M. CRAZYFISH.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE LIKE THIS GUY, PATRICK.
HE WAS ABOUT 60 FEET TALL.
OH.
YEAH, HE WAS BIG AND MEAN.
OH, BUT OL' SPONGEBOB HERE
KNOWS HOW TO TEACH A LUMMOX SOME MANNERS.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HANDLED HIM THE SAME WAY I HANDLE
ALL ENORMOUS MUSCLE-BOUND VILLAINS.
WITH TEARS?
UH, NO, WITH A LITTLE
HI-YAH!
AND A KA-ZOW!
AND A GALLON OF HI-YAH, HI-YAH, HA!
YEAH, HE NEVER KNEW WHAT HIT 'EM.
WELL, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
I WOKE UP... OH, I MEAN, I...
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU WHOOPED HIM WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN, PATRICK.
WELL, SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.
THERE GOES A REAL HERO.
WHA, WAH-BAH-BAH!
SLUGGER, THAT'S ME.
WHAT THE?
YEE HAW.
GET ALONG LITTLE FISHIES.
HI, SANDY.
WHOA.
HOT CATSNAKE IN A BARN.
LOOK AT YOUR EYE.
LAND SAKES.
THAT'S QUITE A SHINER YOU GOT THERE.
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY NONE.
I KNOW SOME NATURAL REMEDIES THAT'LL...
KEEP YOUR NATURAL REMEDIES TO YOURSELF.
MANLY DUDES LIKE ME DON'T NEED 'EM.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I GOT THIS BLACK EYE IN A FIGHT.
A FIGHT?
WELL, THERE'S NO SHAME IN LOSING.
LOSE?
SANDY, I TAUGHT THE FISH WHO TANGLED WITH ME
A LESSON HE SHAN'T SOON FORGET.
WHY?
DID HE WRITE IT DOWN?
NO, I ENGRAVED IT ON HIS PAIN GLAND.
WELL, WHAT TYPE OF MAN SCUFFLES BOOTS WITH YOU AND LOSES?
OH, THIS WAS NO MERE MAN.
HE WAS THE NOTORIOUS OUTLAW
JACK M. CRAZYFISH!
JACK M. CRAZYFISH?
IT ALL HAPPENED LATE LAST NIGHT...
I WAS WALKING HOME FROM WORK... ALONE
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, CRAZYFISH SPRANG UP OUT OF NOWHERE.
HE THREW A GIANT TIRE
AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD.
THEN, HE STOOD OVER ME TO GLOAT.
I JUMPED UP AND KARATE KICKED HIS HAIRPIECE RIGHT OFF OF ITS SNAPS.
HE WAS SO ASHAMED HE RAN ALL THE WAY HOME
LEAVING BEHIND A POOL OF TEARS.
WHICH I THEN PROCEEDED TO SCOOP UP IN MY VICTORY TANKARD
AND ENJOY AS A NICE REFRESHING BEVERAGE.
SO HOW'D YOU GET THE BLACK EYE THEN?
OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT'S RIGHT.
I HAD MISCALCULATED THE TRAJECTORY OF MY CUP
AND THE STRAW JABBED ME IN THE EYE
GIVING ME THIS AWFUL SHINER.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE LATE FOR YOUR DAY JOB, KILLER.
AW, PHOOEY.
LATE SCHMATE.
A TOUGH GUY LIKE ME CAN SHOW UP TO WORK WHENEVER HE WANTS.
ADIOS.
SPONGEBOB IS 13-1/2 MINUTES LATE FOR DUTY.
I HOPE FOR HIS SAKE THIS MEANS HE WAS IN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT.
WELL, LOOKS LIKE I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT PART.
OH.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, PAL, DO THE RIGHT THING.
JUST KEEP ON WALKING.
UGH, DO YOU MIND?
WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A DECENT MEAL HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
SPONGEBOB, I'M...
DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH, I'M JUST GONNA STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, SQUIDWARD.
SPARE YOU THE OXYGEN.
WE ALL KNOW YOU WEAKER FOLK CAN'T AFFORD TO WASTE IT.
ALL RIGHT FOLKS, LISTEN UP.
'CAUSE I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.
Tough guys don't like to repeat themselves.
I'M TALKING TO YOU, GRANDMA!
NOW I SUPPOSE ALL OF YOU ARE WONDERING
HOW I GOT THIS BLACK EYE.
NOT REALLY.
ALL RIGHT, WHO SAID THAT?
WAS IT YOU, GRANDMA?
IT WAS ME, I SAID IT.
WELL, FOLKS, I DON'T HAPPEN TO SEE IT AS A SHINER
SO MUCH AS A SHINING TROPHY OF MY GLORIOUS TRIUMPH
OVER THE FORCES OF EVIL.
OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
WHO IN THE NAME OF NEPTUNE WOULD WANT TO TANGLE
WITH A GUY LIKE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHO?
IT WAS A PEACEFUL MORNING IN BIKINI BOTTOM.
I EMERGED FROM MY FRUIT-SHAPED BUNGALOW FRESH AS A BEE
WHEN A WANTON CRY OF DISTRESS
POUNDED AGAINST MY EARDRUM.
HOLD IT.
SPONGES DON'T HAVE EARDRUMS.
HE'S RIGHT.
HEY, LET'S SAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END.
AS I WAS SAYING...
I QUICKLY LOCATED THE SOURCE OF THE CRY
WHICH WAS A VICTIM TIED AT MY FEET.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU.
I ASSURED...
WHEN A LARGE BOWLING PIN STRUCK ME IN THE FACE.
THE HURLER WAS NONE OTHER THAN JACK M. CRAZYFISH.
AND I COULD TELL BY THAT COLD SORE ON HIS LIP
THAT TODAY HE MEANT BUSINESS.
WITH CAT-LIKE REFLEXES
I PREEMPTED HIS ATTACK.
BUT THE SCOUNDREL HAD ME SABOTAGED
AND I FELL FACE DOWN ON A PILE OF EXTRA LARGE STAPLES.
HE LUNGED AT ME.
BUT I GOT HIM IN THE RIBS WITH MY NOVELTY FEATHER DUSTER.
DOWN HE FELL LIKE A MIGHTY OAK.
AND THERE HE LAY.
THE VERY THOUGHT OF BEING VANQUISHED
MADE JACK M. CRAZYFISH BURST INTO TEARS.
THE FORCE OF HIS CRYING WAS SO STRONG
I HAD TO TAKE EVASIVE ACTION.
BUT ONE OF THE BLASTS WENT HAYWIRE
AND HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FACE.
AND THAT'S HOW I GOT THIS BLACK EYE
BY GIVING JACK M. CRAZYFISH
THE WHOMPIN' OF A LIFETIME.
WHOO... FOOTBALL!
UH, WHAT DID YOU SAY HE LOOKED LIKE AGAIN?
OH, KIND OF TALL, HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE...
LITTLE GREEN HAT?
I KIND OF THOUGHT IT WAS TEAL
BUT THAT SOUNDS LIKE HIM ALL RIGHT.
WAIT A SECOND.
HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS WEARING A GREEN HAT?
HE'S... REAL.
I'M LOOKING FOR SPONGEBOB SQUARE...
MR. CRAZYFISH, PLEASE DON'T SKIN ME ALIVE.
I MADE ALL THAT STUFF UP.
I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT WHOMPING YOU, RIGHT FOLKS?
YOU REMEMBER.
I LIKED THE PART WHERE YOU TOLD US
HOW HE WAS CRYING LIKE A BABY.
HI, GARY.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
I HAD A TOOTHPASTE TUBE, LIKE THIS.
BUT I COULDN'T GET IT OPEN 'CAUSE THE CAP WAS STUCK.
AND I GUESS...
I HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING MY ARMS OUT THAT MUCH LATELY.
SO I OPENED IT UP- LIKE THIS.
THEN I WAS WALKIN', LIKE THIS.
AND I DIDN'T SEE WHERE THE CAP WENT, LIKE THIS.
I SLIPPED ON IT
AND I LANDED RIGHT ON MY WRENCH, LIKE THIS.
AND I GAVE MYSELF A BLACK EYE, LIKE THIS.
UH, LIKE THESE.
SO YOU SEE?
I MADE IT ALL UP SO I COULD KEEP FROM LOOKING STUPID.
MAKES SENSE, DOESN'T IT?
UH, NOT REALLY.
I'M HERE BECAUSE I HEARD YOU MAKE A REALLY GOOD KRABBY PATTY.
ONE SUPER HOT AND DELICIOUS CUSTOM ORDER KRABBY PATTY WITH EXTRA SAUCE, MILORD.
SERVED DIRECTLY TO YOUR WAITING... OW!
HEAD AND NECK AREA.
SIR, PLEASE, I AM SO SORRY.
WHERE I'M FROM, SORRY DON'T CUT IT.
WE SETTLE THINGS IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF WAY.
NO!
MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY
HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY THE EVIL MAN RAY.
TICKLED TO THE POINT OF WETTING THEMSELVES
AND SENT ON A CONVEYOR BELT OF DOOM
TO THEIR WATERY GRAVE.
WE CANNOT ESCAPE, BARNACLE BOY.
HE'S TOO STRONG.
LIKE THE UNBEATABLE TASTE
OF A KRUSTY KIDS MEAL.
THE DELICIOUS NEW TREAT NO MORTAL CAN RESIST?
YUP.
OOH, I JUST LOVE THE LITTLE PIP-SQUEAK PATTY
SMALL FRIES AND COLD JUICE PRODUCT.
OF COURSE YOU DO, MAN RAY.
EVERYONE LOVES THE NEW KRUSTY KIDS MEAL.
AND FOR A LIMITED TIME, GET YOUR FREE TOY INSIDE.
HOW CAN I BE EVIL WITH FLAVORS THIS GOOD?
KRABS CALLS THAT A COMMERCIAL?
WHO'D FALL FOR THAT SCHLOCK?
SAY...
SOMETHING ISGOING ON OVER THERE.
OOH.
THE KRUSTY KRAB WELCOMES...
THE HE TARPON TWINS BIRTHDAY PARTY.
HERE ARE YOUR KRABBY KIDS MEALS.
NEVER TRUST KIDS, SQUIDWARD.
NEVER TRUST KIDS.
GOTTA HAND IT TO YA, BOY.
GETTIN' MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY TO SHILL FOR ME RESTAURANT
WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS.
ALL IN THE LINE OF DUTY, MR. KRABS.
WASN'T IT GREAT, SQUIDWARD?
GREAT?
THOSE LITTLE SAVAGES TRIED TO KILL ME.
YEAH, BUT IT'S SOWORTH IT
WHEN YOU GET TO WORK IN THESE.
STUPID KID.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S THIS?
KAREN?
MY OWN WIFE.
OH, HOW KRABS MOCKS ME.
HI, HONEY.
WHAT'S THAT?
A SOUVENIR FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND, KRABS?
OH, PIPE DOWN.
I JUST WENT TO GET YOU THIS HAPPY HERO BOX.
WELL...
THANKS, BABE, YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO ME.
A MERMAID MAN ACTION FIGURE?
AND A BARNACLE BOY ERASER?
LOOK AT ME, I'M BARNACLE BOY.
LOOK AT ME, I'M MERMAID MAN.
KRABS...
SURE...
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS BEFORE?
IF MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY CAN BUILD KRABS UP
THEY CAN TEAR HIM DOWN, TOO.
DING DONG.
HELLO, BOYS.
WHAT, WHAT-WHAT?
I'M DOWN HERE, FELLAS!
WHO ARE YOU?
OH, PROFESSOR PLANKTON.
DOOR-TO-DOOR SALESMAN.
MY CARD.
PROFESSOR PLANKTON'S PERSONAL PRODUCTS?
SAY, YOU TWO LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF LADIES' MEN, AM I RIGHT?
I KNEW IT.
JUST LOOK AT THAT HEROIC CHIN.
THOSE CHISELED FEATURES.
THAT BRA.
BUT WHAT'S THIS?
DANDRUFF?
I'VE GOT DANDRUFF?
YOU SURE DO.
SEE?
OH, MY.
EWW.
A COUPLE OF STUDS LIKE YOU
CAN'T GO AROUND LIKE THIS.
LUCKY FOR YOU, DR. PLANKTON'S COME PREPARED
WITH PLANKTON'S DANDRUFF CONTROL SHAMPOO.
A LITTLE OF THIS STUFF
AND THE LADIES'LL BE BREAKIN' DOWN YOUR DOOR.
SIGN US UP, PROFESSOR. SIGN ME UP, PROFESSOR
WISE DECISION, GENTLEMEN.
HEY, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
YOU FELLAS LOOK A LITTLE PEAKED.
HMM, THIS SHOULDN'T BE.
I WONDER.
SAY, THIS ISN'T PROFESSOR PLANKTON'S DANDRUFF CONTROL SHAMPOO.
IT'S PROFESSOR PLANKTON'S MINDCONTROL SHAMPOO.
WITH CONDITIONER.
TIME TO PREPARE FOR YOUR NEXT ROLE, FELLAS
AS MY ZOMBIES.
WE WANT MERMAID MAN.
WE WANT BARNACLE BOY.
WE WANT MERMAID MAN.
WE WANT BARNACLE BOY.
WE WANT MERMAID MAN.
Mr. UH... HEY, KIDS.
UH, WELL, THERE'S MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY, IN THE BALL ROOM.
SPONGEBOB?
YES, SIR.
GO GET THOSE AWOL DO-GOODERS YOU TALKED ME INTO HIRING
AND BRING THEIR PATOOTS BACK HERE ON THE DOUBLE.
AYE, AYE MR. KRABS.
BACK, YOU, BACK.
MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY, PLEASE?
AND I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.
AHH!
OH, MY GOSH.
YOU GUYS LIVE IN A DUMP.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.
WE GOTTA GET YOU BACK TO THE KRUSTY KRAB
FOR YOUR SPECIAL APPEARANCE.
I'LL TAKE YOU.
WOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU DO THE SPINE-BLASTER SINCE...
SINCE EPISODE 647...
WHEN YOU BLASTED THAT GUY'S SPINE.
YOU STILL GOT IT.
PERCH PERKINS HERE, LIVE AT THE KRUSTY KRAB.
WE'RE JUST MOMENTS AWAY FROM AN IMPORTANT PRESS CONFERENCE
WITH MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY.
I HAVE WITH ME HERE EUGENE KRABS
OWNER OF THE RESTAURANT.
ANY THOUGHTS, MR. KRABS?
OH, OK.
WE'LL COME BACK TO YOU LATER.
WHOA...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
I PRESENT MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY.
OH, BOY...
EVERYONE IN BIKINI BOTTOM SHOWED UP.
THIS IS GONNA BE SOSWEET.
MERMAID MAN, WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE KRABBY PATTY?
OOH, THIS IS TOO EASY.
NOW JUST TELL EVERYONE THAT...
I, MERMAID MAN, THINK THAT KRABBY PATTIES ARE, UH...
UH, WHAT?
THEY'RE TERRIBLE.
YOU HATE KRABBY PATTIES.
I'M LATE FOR "SNAPPY PABBIES?"
BARNACLE BOY...
WE'RE LATE FOR...
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
TELL THEM YOU HATE KRABBY PATTIES.
WHAT?
MERMAID MAN.
WHAT?
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.
Mermaid Man: OOH, A KRABBY PATTY.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.
BARNACLE BOY.
IT'S A KRABBY PATTY.
WHY THESE THINGS ARE...
EVIL...
SUSIE, NO!
I HATE THESE NASTY THINGS, PUH.
AND FURTHERMORE...
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I, MERMAID MAN
PREFER THE DELICIOUS FOOD AVAILABLE AT THE CHUM BUCKET...
YOUR NEW FAVORITE RESTAURANT.
THE CHUM BUCKET?
PLANKTON MUST BE BEHIND THIS.
YES.
YES... IT'S WORKING!
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
YOU FORGOT YOUR KRABBY PATTIES.
OH.
KRABBY PATTIES.
OH, NO.
THOSE INFERNAL KRABBY PATTIES.
THEIR GREASE-FRIED DELICIOUSNESS
COULD BE ENOUGH TO FREE MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY.
NOT SO FAST.
YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH AN ORDINARY FRY COOK.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MEET...
FRY BOY.
DEFENDER OF... UH-OH!
FRY BOY.
DEFENDER OF THE KRABBY PATTY.
YAH!
YES!
YOU LOSE, PLANKTON.
NOW WATCH AS THE KRABBY PATTIES' WHOLESOME FLAVORS WORK THEIR MAGIC.
I DID IT.
I DID IT!
LOOK AT ALL THESE CUSTOMERS.
IN YOUR FACE, KRABS.
YES!
SO, UH... WHERE'S THE FOOD?
FOOD?
OH, YEAH.
NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET THIS FAR.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN CURED ONCE THE PURENESS OF THE KRABBY PATTIES
ENTERED THEIR... THAT'S IT!
MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY ARE ELDERLY.
THEIR POOR AGED TUMMIES MUST BE HAVING A HARD TIME DIGESTING THE FOOD.
I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO.
I'M BACK TO MY OLD SELF AGAIN.
THANKS TO YOU, SPONGEBOB.
AND THE DELICIOUS POWER OF KRABBY PATTIES.
SAY, I COULD USE A COUPLE MORE OF THOSE
AND AN ORDER OF KRABBY FRIES.
AND A DECENT LATRINE.
WELL, THEN, YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE TO GO.
TO THE KRUSTY KRAB, AWAY.
HEY, EVERYONE.
I MADE CHUMMY JOES.