97, 98, 99, 100!
OK, Gary, let's do the other side now.
Gary, can you hear that?
Oh, Squidward. It's you! I thought I heard something.
SpongeBob, I've been sitting here motionless for 45 minutes.
What could you possibly have heard me doing?
Breathing.
SpongeBob, I'll give you five dollars
if you let me enjoy the rest of my morning in peace.
- OK!
Hey! I coulda sworn I had five dollars in here...
I have it, Squidward.
You gave it to me to leave you alone yesterday!
Squidward, you can have the five dollars back.
Mr. Krabs says...
I don't care what Mr. Krabs says! I just want...
Coffee rain!
It's hot chocolate.
Chocolate rain!
Squidward!
- Squidward, wait!
- It's locked! - Squidward!
Squidward!
Huh?
The key! Oh, where did I put that stupid...
Squidward!
Oh, why can't I just find the...
- Squidward? - What?
You left your keys on the table back there.
- Hey, Squidward... - Yes?
Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?
That was a recumbent bicycle.
- And I sold it. - Why?
So I could get further away from you!
OK, I'll see ya later then, Squidward!
Bon Voyage, nincompoop!
What the...
Can I help you, officer?
No.
But you can help yourself to this ticket.
Ticket?
Officer, Please! I have impeccable boat smarts!
I pride myself in maintaining an unsoiled driving record!
It's all that I have.
Well, you can have it again,
right after you complete Boating School.
Boating School!
Ah, well, it's just one day out of your life, Squiddy.
How bad could it be?
Oh, Squidward!
Good morning, class.
Would everyone please take a seat?
Psst! Squidward! Sit here!
- Here. - Um, excuse me,
there don't seem to be any empty seats left.
There's one right next to SpongeBob.
Do you mind?
Don't worry, Squidward. We're Boating Buddies, now.
I'll teach you everything I know, and then we can...
"We" won't be doing anything, because there is no we.
- Understand? - Quiet in the front, please.
Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly, Boating Buddy!
OK, class. Why don't we get to know our new students
by telling each other why we were sentenced to—
I mean, why we are enrolled in Boating School.
Um, I got caught speeding.
Very good! Next?
I don't see what's so very good about it.
No, I didn't mean very...
I know what you meant.
- Next? - I'm here because my...
We all know why you're here, SpongeBob.
- What about you, sir? - What, me?
Yes! Would you like to tell the rest of the class
why you're with us today?
- Why, I'm...
All right. I'll tell you.
I was trying to get away from him!
He is the bane of my existence!
Yours, too?
Uh, what I meant to say was, please come up to the chalkboard
and draw a diagram of the incident.
Gladly.
It all started when I left my house...
And then he appeared.
He made an immediate right turn and parked...
Here. Seeing the oncoming hazard, I looked both ways
and proceeded safely towards my vehicle.
It was then that I realized
I was being followed at an unsafe distance!
So, in order to create more optimal driving conditions,
I was forced to then partake in...
- ... evasive action.
And, by increasing speed slightly,
I created a safety-cushion,
while inadvertently attracting the attention
of said law enforcement official.
May I sit down now, sweet cheeks?
Why, certainly.
And perhaps now SpongeBob would like to come up
and illustrate his side of the story.
- His side? - Well, first I started over here
and then I went way over here. Like that.
And then, I went around like this, and over here,
and across this way, and down here, and over here,
and then...
and then I came around, and stopped right here.
SpongeBob and Squidward, Best Boating Buddies Forever?
What the...
- Do you like it, Squidward? - Shut it.
Ah, lunchtime, eh, boating buddy?
I'll have to eat over here. Just like back in grade school.
Squidward, you got any extra mustard in there?
Mm. Bon appétit, Squiddy!
You ruined my morning, you've ruined my lunch,
and you're ruining my...
OK, class. It's time for our behind-the-wheel lesson.
Squidward, you'll be riding with SpongeBob.
Yeah, I never saw that comin'.
Now, we're gonna take this nice and slow.
SpongeBob, what do we do when pulling away from the curb?
- Step on the gas? - Good! Nice and easy.
Now, let's slowly...
SpongeBob, look out!
- SpongeBob, gimme that wheel! - I got it! I got it!
Don't... Just...
- Let go of it!
Hooligans.
Johnson, I've finally figured out a way
to shrink an ordinary mailman
down to the size of a grain of sand!
- But how? - By using this Shrink-Ray!
Mother of Mercy!
- Where'd they go? - There!
They're headed right for that discarded potato chip!
- What's the matter? - Potato chips are his favorite!
Johnson!
No!
No! No, no.
I never will understand these city folk.
Hey! Where'd Squidward go?
I was just leaving.
OK, class, it's time to take our final exam.
Please have your pencils ready.
Psst! Hey! Boating Buddy! If you need any help,
I've taken this test hundreds of times! I can...
How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not your buddy!
I don't need your help, and I don't need you. Ever!
Now, just kindly let me take this stupid test
so I can get outta here
and never have to see you again for the rest of my life!
OK, Squidward. If that's the way you want it.
Thank you.
Ha!
Three more minutes, class.
SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob, I need your help! - Two more minutes.
SpongeBob, please! This is important!
You said you didn't need my help, Squidward.
- And that you didn't need me. - No, no, I never said that.
I don't need your help, and I don't need you!
Jerk.
All right, I said it, but that was before!
- Before what? - Before...
- One more minute, class.
Before we were...
Boating Buddies.
Yay!
- OK, class, time's up.
Time can't be up!
I didn't get a chance to fill in a single answer!
What am I supposed to do?
You do the same thing that everybody else does
who fails the test.
- You take it again next week! - Next week?
Don't worry, I've never gotten one answer right on this test!
But we'll meet again next week at Mrs. Puff's Boating School!
Order up!
How's it lookin' out there, boy?
Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. K.
I ain't interested in the same old regulars, SpongeBob.
So I took out an ad in the Bikini Bottom Examiner
to bring in some new customers.
'Twas a bargain, too. Only cost me a nickel.
So, tell me now, boy,
how many new customers we got out there so far?
Ooh, let me see, there was...
- None. - What? What do you mean, none?
Don't these people read the paper?
Ooh. This thing hasn't been touched in months.
While that paper is sellin' like Krabby Patties.
Uh, pardon me, sir,
could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner this fine day?
Nobody reads the Examiner, bud.
It's all fulla boring charts and facts.
The Bottom Feeder is where it's at.
It's got, like, interesting stories and stuff.
"Fish Boy strikes again." Wait a minute.
Aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
I don't know, but they're sellin'.
Yes, they certainly are.
Please, allow me.
- Thank you. - No, thank you.
Now, let's see how much they charge for advertising...
25 cents per word?
The newspaper business sure is easy money.
That gives me an idea.
What a fantabulastical day, eh, Squiddy?
Yep, another wonderful, humdrum day slinging burgers.
Off of your duff, boy!
You think I spend all last night assembling this printing press
so you could laze around all day?
From now on, you'll be twice as busy,
and I expect you to wear two hats.
Cos along with your usual fry cookin' duties,
you're my lead reporter for the new Krabby Kronicle!
Oh, my very own press badge.
That's right, boy. And here's your very own camera.
You'll need it to document
all them juicy stories you're gonna write.
Well, what are you waitin' for, boy?
The public thirsts for a juicy story, eh?
Hmm. But what kind of story is juicy enough
to quench their dry news gullets?
I don't even know where to begin to look.
No news to report here.
Stop the presses, it's Patrick!
And he appears to be waiting for the bus!
This is the kind of story my readers are waiting for.
- Patrick Star?
I'm Scoop SquarePants from the Krabby Kronicle.
Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Oh, I'm not taking a bus, SpongeBob.
I am watching this pole.
So the next time it moves, I will see it.
Whoa! This story is juicy.
What a money-tastical day, eh, Mr. Squidward?
Yeah, I'm just raking it in.
I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too.
We haven't sold any papers today.
What do you mean, we haven't sold any newspapers?
Certainly, this gentleman
would like a copy of the Krabby Kronicle.
Looks boring. Can I just have a Krabby Patty?
Too boring?
SpongeBob! What's the meaning of this?
Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?
"Local resident watches pole?"
No-one's gonna pay to read this malarkey!
When you write these stories,
you gotta use a little imagination, boy.
Imagination.
Yeah, maybe instead of, "Man watches pole,"
you could say something like... Oh... "Man Marries Pole."
Then you could alter the photo a little to fit the headline...
See? Now, that's a juicy story.
Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?
Don't think of it as lying, boy. Think of it as a practical joke.
Y'know, something everybody can have a good laugh about.
The public expects a little embellishment here and there,
so I want you to go out there
and get me a lead story that'll sell!
Mrs. Puff is gonna laugh her hat off
when she reads this!
Boating teacher in high speed chase.
I think you've finally done it!
You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has.
Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.
That's called editorial privilege, son.
It gives it that extra oomph to move units.
Besides, how could such a little news story
possibly affect Mrs. Puff in any way?
I can't believe such a little news story
could have ruined my business.
Let's see what there is to see.
Wait a minute. Larry the Lobster?
Hmm. Wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles.
Ah-ha! This looks shady. Very shady.
Larry! Hey, tough guy. Can I punch you in the gut?
Sure. Everybody does. It won't hurt me a bit.
Told you it wouldn't hurt.
- Thanks, big guy. - See you around.
Very interesting.
Out! Out! Out!
- Hey, what's the big idea? - Dis!
"Larry the Loser gets beaten up by pipsqueak."
- B-but... - No buts.
I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation.
You're banned forever!
- Hello, Larry! - Not now, SpongeBob.
Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined.
Ruined? What're you talking about?
These lies someone wrote about me.
Thanks for your business! And here's your paper.
Mr. Krabs, can I have a word with you?
Make it quick, boy,
these papers are sellin' faster than we can print 'em!
That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir.
I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Well, they're certainly doing me some good.
Can you believe it? Look at all this loot!
Yeah. But isn't there a way we could write juicy stories
without hurting people?
You just don't get it, do you, boy?
We're not hurting anyone.
We're just making their lives interesting for everybody else.
Now, get out there and fetch another story.
Oh, Karen!
I think this is it.
The Chum Stick that's finally gonna
drive Krabs out of business.
I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail.
I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
Why? I haven't done anything.
That's not what this says.
"Plankton's Chum made of your Chums."
"The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one."
What?
Who's to blame for this? Who?
You're reachin' new levels of imagination, boyo!
Yeah, I know.
What's wrong, boy? You sick, or something?
Yes, Mr. Krabs. You could say that.
Don't be silly, boy. We're a success!
Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people.
Oh, baloney. You better start feelin' right,
cos if you don't, you can kiss yer spatula goodbye.
Mr. Krabs! You wouldn't!
Oh, darn tootin', I would.
Now, get out there and bring me a juicy one.
Aye-aye, cap'n.
Sorry, fellas, this is a private tree dome.
I had no idea it talked.
Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee.
And we've come to confiscate all your science awards.
Haven't you read today's headlines?
It can't even read. Why are you...
Oh, gimme that!
"Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump?"
"Bushy-tailed brainiac really a slow-witted squirrel."
"By SpongeBob SquarePants?"
That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that?
Oh, boy! We'd better scram.
The dumb ones are always the most violent.
You've really outdone yourself this time.
Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories any more.
Come on. That's a bunch of hooey.
I've seen people's lives ruined with my own eyes.
People want wild, juicy stories. That's what sells!
Now, I want your little, yellow noggin
to come up with the wildest story ever.
One that'll top all the others.
Gee, Mr. Krabs. I've written about everyone in town.
- Any ideas, sir? - Surprise me. Gimme a shocker.
Goodnight, boy. I'll check on you tomorrow mornin'.
And remember, the wildest story ever!
The wildest story ever, huh?
How's it goin', lad?
Uh-uh. It's a surprise.
Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time.
We'll have to do another printing.
- Huh?
- Task Master! - What's goin' on?
You should know!
"Krabs overworks employees, reaps reward?"
"Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories
pays his tired, underage reporter pennies
while he rakes in the dough."
How could you do that to such an innocent child?
It's sick and inhumane.
Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us.
I lost my restaurant because of you.
And I thought I was evil.
All the kids in town wanna beat me up for lunch money.
And I've had to go back to watching day time television.
That's it. We're taking our money back.
- Mr. Krabs, are you OK?
How can I be OK when me money's gone?
All gone!
It just goes to show,
trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay.
Or does it?
Get some scissors, boy-o. It's time to use my imagination.
Hey, guys? Can you fix me and the wife up
a couple of Krabby Patties?