Shady Shoals, mild-mannered rest home
and secret headquarters of Mermaid Man,
master of maritime justice and defender of Bikini Bottom.
Semi-retired.
And his faithful ward, Barnacle Boy.
- Who? - Hello.
Today, we find this duo of dynamism
engaged in their favorite pastime, watching TV.
But wait, what's this?
Why, it's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's biggest fans,
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star.
Don't they look peaceful?
Yeah.
Wake up!
I'll deal with these super-villains
with my trusty mermarang!
Hey, those aren't super-villains.
Hi, Mermaid... ow.
I can't believe Mermaid Man hit me with his mermarang.
- It's so awesome. - Wow. Can you beat me up next?
Keep on your guard, Barnacle Boy.
They're getting ready for another attack!
Those aren't super-villains.
It's just that kid, uh, SpongeBob, and his goofy friend.
Hey, kid, can you give us our mermarang back?
We only got the one.
- Sure thing. - Oh, don't throw...
- Hey, it came back. - Yeah, it does that.
- I'll try again. - No...
Look, I'll just come and get—
What is wrong with you?
- Nice shot.
Wow, that mermarang really likes you.
I know.
Now, just hand me the mermarang, son.
- I've got it!
Runaway mermarang!
Ow.
Hi. How you feeling?
- Would you get off of me? - OK.
What are you two doing here, anyway?
Oh, I almost forgot.
I brought you flowers.
Since you two are feeling so poorly.
You never brought me flowers.
Patrick, go home and check your mailbox.
Really?
- The merma-phone.
- Mermaid Man, here.
Mermaid Man here.
Ah, Commissioner, what can I do for you?
You can count on Mermaid Man, Commissioner.
It's for you.
Barnacle Boy here.
- Yes, but...
- Yes.
- Yes, Commissioner, but, uh...
The police commissioner needs us to be celebrity contestants
at the Bikini Bottom shuffleboarding competition.
But there's no way we can do it in this condition.
What kind of quitter talk is that? We're superheroes.
We're going to that shuffleboarding competition,
or my name isn't...
- Ow!
You're right, Barnacle Boy.
If only there were someone to take our place...
Patrick and I could do it, Mermaid Man!
What? Why should we trust you two?
Because we're card-carrying members of the fan club.
- So? - We're also certified
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy impersonators.
Certified.
You can't argue with certification.
Oh, all right. I suppose they can't do too much damage.
- It's just shuffleboard—
- Would you cut it out? - Heroes, heroes, he... roes?
Now listen up. Here, take these rings.
Oh...
And when you touch 'em together,
you'll be instantly transformed into our duplicates.
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, unite!
- We're ready. Man-Bob... - And Pat-Boy...
Reporting for duty.
When you're through with shuffleboarding,
you're to bring those costumes right back here.
And don't do anything else.
Don't go home first, don't show your friends,
just come right back here, you got it?
- Got it. - Got what?
- This'll never work. - What will never work?
Shuffleboarding, shuffleboarding!
Shuffleboarding is exciting, huh, Patrick?
Well, duh.
What's your favorite thing about shuffleboarding?
Everything. It's even fun just to say the word.
Shuffleboard.
Shu-u-uffle-le-leboard...
Ah, it is fun.
We're gonna seriously kick some elderly buns today.
- Huh, SpongeBob? - What?
Out of the way, Gramps.
That's my trophy, old lady.
Patrick?
It's gonna be an action-packed thrill ride
of geriatric proportions!
And the best part is,
there is no way we can lose with these costumes on.
- We already won the tournament. - Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Well, how come I didn't get a trophy?
You did, it's in your back pocket.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Let's go do something else. - OK.
You're to bring those costumes right back here.
Don't do anything else.
Patrick, stop!
We can't. We have to get the costumes back.
For Neptune's sake, SpongeBob.
If we're not gonna go around town
pretending to be Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, then who is?
Nobody?
Exactly. And with no-one patrolling the town,
who's gonna stop those youngsters from loitering?
- Their mommies? - No, we are.
- Let's take 'em to the slammer. - Patrick!
Don't you think that's too harsh?
"Too harsh"?
Explain.
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy?
What are you doing here? Ugh.
Wasting a Krabby Patty?
How could you?
I'm full.
Well, maybe somebody should've thought about that
before they ponied up for the world's greatest patty,
Mr. Jail Warden.
You're right, Pat-Boy, this town needs us.
You're chewing too loud.
Ow.
- Your shoe's untied.
You're too old.
I think we've done our work, Patrick.
Now, let's return these costumes.
That's the evil Man-Ray.
What diabolical plan could he be up to?
Why, hello, Ray.
Mabel, I haven't seen you since high school.
Look at him. Plotting with his evil minion.
Say, could I borrow some of your detergent?
Why, certainly.
Anything for the gal I went to the prom with.
I'll bet he's handing off some secret weapon.
- Time to crash this party. - You haven't aged a day, Ray.
Oh, you.
Hello, Man-Ray. Who's your friend?
Hey, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.
I'd like you to meet Mabel.
Any friend of Ray's is a friend of mine.
All right, Mabel, that's enough chit-chat.
Are you gonna come quietly,
or will we have to take you to jail by force?
Playing dumb, eh?
You handle Man-Ray. I'll take care of his lackey.
- Mabel?
Hai-yah! Eat dryer sheets, Man-Ray.
Oh, it's on, now. Filthy shorts attack!
- Clothes basket bombardment!
Surrender... Mermaid Man?
Ow, that's it.
Time for the spin cycle.
Not so fast, Man-Ray.
Wha...?
You're all wet. You need to dry out.
What? No, my head is dry clean only...
But I didn't do anything!
- Just keep moving. - You too, missy.
Well, our work is done here.
- My legs, my legs...
- Dr. Forrest, dial one... - Good job, boys.
You won the tournament, and returned the costumes.
Thanks again, boys.
- Just doing our merma-duty. - And then some.
"And then some," that's good.
Good-bye, young men.
Oh, look, we have more visitors.
Looking good, Man-Ray.
Faster, you old coot.
They have so many fans.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah.
- Isn't it grand? - What is?
He's such a great musician.
He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant!
All right, I've had enough.
Bunch of nonsense.
Why, here he comes now.
- It is him. - Huh?
Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson the third,
who we all came here to see perform tonight?
No, I am not. Nor would I ever want to be.
I am quite content being Squidward Q. Tentacles.
- Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad. - Why?
Because I'm head matron
at an esteemed musical college in town,
and thought if you were Squilliam Fancyson,
I would offer you the high-paying
and prestigious opportunity
to come there and teach your very own music class.
My very own music class?
Did you say, "Squilliam Fancyson"?
- Yes. - I'm...
Squilliam Fancyson.
But didn't you just say a minute ago
that your name was Squidward Q. Tentacles?
It is. No, I mean, uh, no, no, I didn't.
Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron
would go to their worst enemy's music recital?
A very pathetic one, that's whom.
Indeed.
Oh.
Well, good evening, Professor Squilliam.
Who? Uh, um, uh, and a good evening to you, as well.
Hmm, music types.
Oh, they're so strange.
Good evening, students.
- Now our first... - Good evening, Professor.
As I was saying...
Our first...
Yes.
Aren't you gonna write your name on the board
like most professors do?
My... my name? What for?
Well, you know, it just seems like
teachers usually write their names on the board
the first day of class.
Why don't you come write your name on the board?
We'll see how you like it.
Ok.
There, now how does that feel, "Billy"?
OK, I, I guess.
Good. Now, why don't you take your seat,
and stop poking your nose into other people's business?
Now, if we can go for five minutes
without having any further interruptions,
I would like to...
Hey, look, it's Squid—
Uh, "Squilliam," everybody, he was about to say "Squilliam."
Oh, uh, oh, actually, I think he was about to say "Squid—"
Didn't you two nincompoops know
I had my name legally changed to "Squilliam Fancyson"?
And you are to refer to me only as Professor Squilliam
from now until the end of time.
Now blink twice, so I know you understand.
OK, good. Hey, he blinked three times.
Wow, only eight minutes in,
and we've already been given a math quiz.
Very advanced music class, huh, Patrick?
I'll say.
Would you two numbskulls mind telling me
what you're doing in music class, anyway?
Sure. Patrick's resolution was to learn to play an instrument.
You told me your resolution was to sign up for
an all-natural, slimming, toning,
and increased muscle mass program.
It was. I traded with SpongeBob.
And I have been really happy with the results, see?
Wow, those are impressive results.
As you may not be aware, music is a...
- Music is a...
- Is a complicated series of...
Is a complicated series of notes that...
SpongeBob, do you mind?
There are other people here besides you, you know.
I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom.
I'm sorry, "Professor Squilliam."
Patrick here keeps tickling my foot.
No way, he's making that up. It was him.
You expect me to believe he was tickling himself?
You better tell him, SpongeBob.
All right, it was me.
- You were tickling yourself. - Mm-hmm.
- How? - Like this.
All right, that's enough!
There. Now, as I was saying, music is a series of complex...
SpongeBob, I told you to stop tickling yourself.
Actually, that time... it really was me.
Now I'm going to put some notes on the chalkboard.
Excuse me? Is this something you'd like to share
with the rest of the class?
Uh-uh.
Go on, you've already interrupted once.
You might as well tell us what was so very important.
Well...
I was just saying that these lines you drew
remind me of a railroad track.
I've never heard anything more insipid, insane,
uninteresting or irrelevant.
Well, actually,
there was a railroad convention in town last week,
and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap.
I have never seen a more ridiculous-looking object
on top of anybody's head anywhere.
Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
What else did you buy at this convention?
Your very own locomotive?
- Yes. - What the?
Now, where were...
we?
This is what's known as a metronome.
Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden.
Oh, no, SpongeBob. That was a garden gnome.
Anyway.
The metronome helps us keep time.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Tick, tick, tick, tick...
Do you mind?
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
Is there something seriously wrong with your heads?
My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
I see that now.
There's never been any choice for me.
Would you two nincompoops cut it out?
- Or am I gonna...
Hello. We're with the local Bikini Bottom news channel.
- I'm a reporter.
We're here to conduct an interview
with the esteemed musical genius Squilliam Fancyson.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...
- Please ignore them. - Are those students of yours?
Nope, they're just morons. You two, snap out of it.
They appear to be in some type of trance.
A case of genuine hypnosis like this makes a much hotter scoop.
Hotter scoop?
Well, it's the sort of thing that borders on the paranormal.
Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
Paranormal? The only thing paranormal around here
is how fast I'm gonna make you two disappear.
Don't blame me...
Blame the market.
What, where am I?
I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance.
- You want to know what happened? - OK.
You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate
what might be the one and only chance I may ever get
to sow just one tiny seed of creative hope
into the culturally barren wasteland
that each and every one of us is forced to call home.
Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Now, I don't suppose you two
have anything to say for yourselves?
Well, I guess if I was to say one thing,
it would have to be...
We're sorry, Squidward.
Yeah, we're sorry, Squidward.
No-no-no, shh-shh-shh.
Hey, did those guys just call you Squidward?
No-no-no-no, they said Squilliam.
Oh, I knew this guy was a phony from minute one.
I'm getting out of here.
Yeah, me too. I'm gonna get my tuition back.
- No, wait.
No! You're not going anywhere.
What, what's going on here?
Sorry, professor, your little symphony is over.
It's true, we're on to your little ruse.
What a hot scoop.
The real Squilliam, as we all know,
has a large, bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead.
- But... - No unibrow.
Squidward Q. Tentacles, I'm placing you under arrest
- for impersonating a genius.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...