GOOD MORNING, PATRICK.
HEY, SPONGEBOB.
- YOU READY FOR SOME FUN, OLD PAL?
I SURE AM, OLD BUDDY.
HEY, HERE COMES FUN NOW.
OH, WOW.
IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT.
YEAH, I LOVE BOAT SCREAMING.
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY!
HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!
HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE.
MORONS.
EE, EE, EE, EE!
- WOULD YOU TWO MIND STOPPING WITH YOUR BABY GAMES?
DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL YOU IT'S THE BREAK OF DAWN?
OH, GOOD MORNING, SQUIDWARD.
YEAH, PATRICK HERE TOLD ME.
- WHEN ARE YOU TWO GONNA GROW UP?
HOW DO YOU PLAY THAT?
- OH! MAYBE SQUIDWARD CAN COME DOWN
AND TEACH US HOW TO PLAY IT!
THAT'LL BE REAL FUN, WON'T IT, PATRICK?
HUH.
AAAAAaaaaaooo.
WHEH... HEH.
IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT PATRICK PLAYING ALONG, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, PATRICK.
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
YEOOOOW!
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?
- PATRICK! YOU HAVE A BEARD!
I DO?
- YOU SURE LOOK GROWN UP WITH THAT NEW BEARD.
WOW.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT GROWN-UPS
NEVER PLAY WITH KIDS.
AND ON THAT NOTE,
I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALLY COMMEND
THE SEA STAR FOR TAKING HIS FIRST BABY STEPS
INTO THE ADULT WORLD.
FACIAL HAIR IS A GOOD START, I SUPPOSE.
I AM CURIOUS TO KNOW
WHAT MATURE PEOPLE LIKE SQUIDWARD DO.
WOULD YOU SHOW ME?
SHOW YOU?
SHOW ME, SHOW ME!
PUH-PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEA— PRETTY PLEASE?
I KNOW I'M GONNA REGRET THIS.
ALL RIGHT, I WILL TAKE ON THIS MISSION.
HOORAY!
- IN THE HOPE THAT A QUIET, GROWN-UP NEIGHBORHOOD
WILL PREVAIL AT LAST,
MOVING ME ONE STEP CLOSER TO PEACE
AND BLESSED TRANQUILITY.
A PLACE WHERE AT LAST I CAN—
- OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, OH, OH!
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH OH—
WHAT?
- MAY I TAG ALONG AND OBSERVE YOUR INSTRUCTION?
- WHY IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I LET YOU TAG ALONG?
- BECAUSE MAYBE SOME OF YOUR LESSONS IN MATURITY
WILL RUB OFF ON ME,
BRINGING US TWO STEPS CLOSER
TO A QUIET, GROWN-UP NEIGHBORHOOD.
- WOW. THAT ACTUALLY MADE SENSE.
IT MUST BE WORKING ALREADY.
IS THAT A YES?
OH, HMM...
LET ME ESCORT YOU TO MY PLACE,
MY GOOD SIR.
WE'LL NEED TO START WITH PERSONAL GROOMING
FOR YOUR GROWN-UP MAKEOVER.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
- WE MAY HAVE TO FIND YOU SOME NEW CLOTHES AS WELL.
NEW CLOTHES?
- TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR NEW BEARD,
WHICH MAKES YOU LOOK VERY DISTINGUISHED.
DISTINGUISHED.
- ALL RIGHT! DISTINGUISHED.
YEAH, HUH, HUH.
EXCUSE ME.
GROWN-UPS DO NOT HIGH-FIVE.
OH, RIGHT.
SO, UM, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?
HUH?
SWEET DUDS, HUH, PATRICK?
THEY SURE ARE.
AHEM.
FOR A BABY.
- WELL PLAYED, PATRICK. WELL PLAYED.
- MAY I TAKE YOUR HAT AND CANE, SIR?
- WHY, CERTAINLY.
- ENJOY YOUR EVENING, GENTLEMEN.
OHHHHH...
OH, NO.
APPETIZERS.
OH, BOY, EATS!
YUM, YUM, YUM.
- AND WE ALSO HAVE MILK AND COOKIES.
- OH! ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?
- CAN I— - PATRICK!
I'M SURE YOU'D RATHER HAVE SOME TETRAZZINI
WE GROWN-UPS ORDERED, RIGHT?
DAH... YES, SQUIDWARD.
I'M FRANKLY SHOCKED THEY SERVE
SUCH ELEMENTARY FARE HERE.
INDEED.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE PIECE IS THIS LOVELY STATUE
FROM THE REEFAISSANCE ERA.
BOOOORING.
BORING?
- UH, I—NO.
I SAID, "FLOOOOOORING."
THE FLOORING COMPLEMENTS THE ARTWORK HERE EXQUISITELY.
- YES, WELL, I SUPPOSE IT DOES.
BAH, AH, AH, AH, AH, AH!
- SPONGEBOB, GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW!
- WOW! [whump!]
- DON'T WORRY, GUYS. I'M OKAY.
REALLY, I'M OOOOOKAY.
THERE. GOOD AS NE—
OH, OH!
ALL FIXED, GUYS.
SECURITY!
PLEASE BE GENTLE.
HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET TOSSED OUT ON MY— AAAAAAGH! WOW.
- PATRICK STAR, I AM VERY PROUD
OF WHAT YOU DID IN THERE.
YOU KNOW, THAT BEARD WAS THE BEST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
WELL, OTHER THAN ME, OF COURSE, HA.
- THAT BEARD. I MUST REMOVE THAT BEARD.
REMOVE BEARD,
RESTORE FRIENDSHIP!
- AND THAT'S WHEN I TOLD THEM,
LOOK, IF I WANTED TO STAND AROUND—
THAT'S IT!
IT MUST BE DONE.
SPONGEBOB!
THE ONLY THING THAT MUST BE DONE
IS CUTTING THE CORD WITH YOU.
NO, PLEASE.
LOOK, MR. BABYPANTS.
IT IS GLARINGLY CLEAR THAT YOU LEARNED NOTHING TODAY
ABOUT HOW TO BE MATURE.
- BUT— - NO BUTS.
WE ARE THROUGH ENTERTAINING YOUR COMPANY.
SHALL WE?
LET'S SHALL.
PATRICK, DON'T LEAVE ME.
OH.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STAIRS?
- YOU'VE ONLY GONE UP THREE STEPS.
WELL, IT FEELS LIKE FOUR.
WE ARE ABOUT TO ENTER
THE PINNACLE OF GROWN-UP CULTURE
HERE IN BIKINI BOTTOM.
ALSO KNOWN AS THE FAMED BIKINI BOTTOM OPERA HOUSE.
- WHAT? - NOTHING.
LET'S GO FIND OUR SEATS.
- HEY, ALL RIGHT! BOX SEATS!
UH, I MEAN,
THIS SEAT CHOICE IS MOST MATURE.
CERTAINLY MORE SO THAN THAT RAPSCALLION SPONGE,
WHOSE NAME WE SHALL NOT MENTION,
WOULD HAVE PICKED.
CERTAINLY.
- A MOST EXEMPLARY PERFORMANCE. UH—
- OH, OH, IT GETS EVEN MORE THRILLING FROM HERE.
- WHAT THE—?
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
- THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET.
OOPS, SORRY, WRONG ONE.
AHEM!
TERRIBLE.
HEY!
HOW'S A SEA URCHIN SUPPOSED TO GET ANY SLEEP
WITH ALL THESE SALTY TEARS FALLING ON HIM?
I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
'SCUSE ME.
COMIN' THROUGH.
HEY, WATCH IT, MISTER.
SAY, LADY, HOW DO I GET OUTTA THIS JOINT?
- EXIT STAGE LEFT IS THATAWAY.
- THANKS, CUTIE. NICE HAT.
HEY, STOP THAT BEARD!
PATRICK, IT'S NOT A BEARD.
IT'S A SEA URCHIN.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON YOUR FACE
UNTIL YOUR TEARS AWOKE IT FROM ITS HIBERNATION.
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
BECAUSE, MR. PATRICK STAR,
YOU TOLD ME.
SPONGEBOB!
PATRICK!
- OH, PLEASE, YOU CAN CALL ME PATRICK.
- QUIET! HOLD IT!
STOP IT RIGHT THERE.
I AM ASHAMED AND DISGUSTED BY YOU PEOPLE.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU KNOW A TERRIBLE PERFORMANCE
WHEN YOU SEE IT?
YES, WE DO.
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU— NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
IT WAS A—
FOOD FIGHT!
- SPONGEBOB, WHY AREN'T THOSE ORDERS UP YET?
- SPONGEBOB, THE COLLECTIVE BLOOD SUGAR OUT HERE
IS GETTING DANGEROUSLY LOW.
WHY ARE YOU GRILLING INDEX CARDS?
SORRY, SQUIDWARD.
I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
I'M PRACTICING MY ORAL REPORT
FOR BOATING SCHOOL TOMORROW.
YOU KNOW, SPONGEBOB,
STATISTICS SHOW THAT PUBLIC SPEAKING
IS THE NUMBER THREE CAUSE OF STRESS,
RIGHT BEHIND DEATH AND MARRIAGE.
NOW, GET THOSE ORDERS READY!
OKAY, OKAY!
HMPH, WHAT'S SO SCARY ABOUT PUBLIC SPEAKING, ANYWAY?
YOU JUST STAND IN FRONT OF THE PUBLIC
AND SPEAK PUBLICLY.
IT'S REALLY NO DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I DO EVERY DAY.
NO BIG DEAL, SPONGEBOB.
YOU JUST STAND IN FRONT OF 'EM...
ALL OF 'EM...
LOOKING...
AT ME...
- WITH THEIR EYES! YEEEEOOOOW!
SQUIDWARD WAS RIGHT.
PUBLIC SPEAKING IS FRIGHTENING.
- MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?
AH, STAY BACK.
YOU'LL GET YOUR PATTY WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN.
- I NEVER KNEW AN AUDIENCE COULD GET SO PHYSICAL.
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
- YA-HOOOO!
OW, OW!
- OH, SORRY. WRONG ROCK.
- PATRICK, I WONDER IF YOU'D HELP ME
BY LENDING ME YOUR EYES.
OKAY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU CAN KEEP 'EM.
I JUST WANT YOU TO WATCH ME
WHILE I PRACTICE MY SPEECH UP HERE.
JUST PRETEND YOU'RE A STUDENT AT HIS DESK.
OKAY.
HOLD—HOLD—HOLD ON.
I LIKE TO SIT IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS.
OKAY, HERE GOES.
BOATING SAFETY I—
SPONGEBOB!
CAN I HAVE A HALL PASS?
OH, NOT NOW, PATRICK.
JUST SIT TIGHT AND LET ME PRACTICE.
- FINE. - AHEM. BOATING SAFE—
- BORING! NEXT.
- PATRICK, YOU'RE KIND OF DERAILING
THE PROCEEDINGS HERE.
UH, JUST FOCUS ON ME, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
- SO, WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU—
PATRICK.
PATRICK, WAKE UP.
WHAT HAPPENED, PATRICK?
OH, COME ON, SPONGEBOB.
YOU THINK EVERYONE CAN STAY AWAKE
FOR YOUR BORING SPEECH?
- I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU THINK THAT'S TOO MUCH TO EXPECT?
YES!
AND YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR WORSE.
WORSE?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THINGS
THROWN AT YOU YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
YOU BETTER BE READY!
NOW, TRY AGAIN.
OKAY.
- BOATING SAFETY—
BOATING SAFE—
THAT'S IT!
FIGHT THROUGH!
- UGH! AGH!
PATRICK, NOBODY THROWS PILLOWS IN CLASS.
- SAYS YOU! SPEECH!
- BOATING SAFE—
- SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
WHAT A MESS YOU'VE MADE OF MY CLASSROOM.
- UH, YOU SORTA HAD A HAND IN THAT TOO, PATRICK.
YOUNG MAN, HOW DARE YOU?
- WHAT— A DETENTION SLIP?
- I'M NOT HEARING YOUR ORAL REPORT.
- OKAY. BOATING SAFETY—
TRY AGAIN.
BOATING... SAFETY...
COME ON, SQUAREPANTS!
IS THIS THE BEST YOU CAN DO?
- PATRICK, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK THIS IS WORKING.
- SPEECH! - WAAAHHH!
- SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH! SPEECH, SPEECH!
SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH!
SPEECH, SPEECH! SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH!
PATRICK, STOP!
SOMEHOW, YOUR HELP JUST ISN'T HELPING.
I AM MORE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS ORAL REPORT
THAN I'VE EVER BEEN ABOUT ANYTHING.
- YEAH, YOU DO LOOK PRETTY TERRIBLE.
- WELL, IF I DON'T DO MY REPORT,
THEN I DON'T PASS.
AND IF I DON'T PASS,
THEN I DON'T GET MY BOATING LICENSE.
WAIT, BUDDY.
I KNOW HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR BOATING LICENSE.
YOUR FRIEND THE SQUIRREL GIRL IS REAL GOOD
WITH HER PAWS.
MAYBE SHE COULD MAKE YOU A FAKE ONE.
- NO, PATRICK. THAT'S ILLEGAL.
BUT SHE MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP ME
GET OVER THIS ANXIETY.
SHE'S ALWAYS SPEAKING AT SCIENCE CONFERENCES.
SHE'S PROBABLY FULL OF POINTERS.
- YEAH, OR SHE PROBABLY HAS A ROBOT
THAT CAN DEMOLISH THE WHOLE SCHOOL FOR YA.
WHITE KNUCKLES...
LEAKY PORES...
STOMACH IN KNOTS...
YEP.
IT LOOKS PRETTY BAD.
SPONGEBOB, YOU'RE AFFLICTED WITH SEVERE ORAL-REPORTITIS.
YOU KNOW, PATIENTS WITH THIS DISEASE
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO PHYSICALLY EXPLODE.
KERPOW!
- AIEEE! YA YAIII!
- IT HAS BEEN SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN
THAT 85% OF SPEECH-RELATED STRESS
CAN BE ALLEVIATED IF THE SPEAKER IMAGINES THE AUDIENCE
IN THEIR UNDERWEAR.
EVERYONE WILL LOOK SO SILLY,
YOU WON'T REMEMBER YOU'RE NERVOUS.
WHICH IS WHY I INVENTED THESE.
GOGGLES THAT LET YOU SEE PEOPLE IN THEIR UNDIES.
OR I COULD JUST MAKE YOU A FAKE BOATING LICENSE.
THAT'S STILL ILLEGAL.
GIMME THE GOGGLES.
IT'S NOT WORKING.
- WELL, OF COURSE IT ISN'T, SILLY.
I'M ONLY WEARING MY UNDIES.
SEE IF THEY WORK ON PATRICK.
- UGH. YEAH, THEY WORK.
- AND THEY WERE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN.
THANK YOU, BILLY.
THAT WAS AN EXCELLENT REPORT.
NEXT, WE HAVE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
AH-HMM.
GO ON, BUDDY.
AHEM.
WELL, SPONGEBOB?
DO YOU HAVE YOUR ORAL REPORT READY?
- HUH? - THE ASSIGNMENT I GAVE YOU?
THE ONE WHERE YOU TALK IN FRONT OF THE CLASS?
- OH, YEAH! OF COURSE I'M READY.
I CAN DO IT.
UM...
OH, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- MRS. PUFF, DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS?
NO.
ONLY IF YOU WANT TO PASS THIS CLASS.
- OKAY.
UM, MY REPORT IS ON...
HEH, MUST BE LAST-MINUTE JITTERS.
PATRICK, WHERE ARE THOSE GOGGLES?
- HERE, LET ME POLISH 'EM UP FOR YA.
HERE YOU GO.
THANKS.
HURRY UP!
OH!
HA!
AH, IT'S WORKING! HA, HA, HA!
- WHAT'S ALL THIS LAUGHING ABOUT?
WELL, SPONGEBOB?
HOO.
BOATING SAFETY IS THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF EVERY BOATER IN THE OCEAN BECAUSE—
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GET ON WITH IT.
DAAAHHH!
THEY'RE ALL STARING.
WHOOOOA!
HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?
YOU FORGOT THE GOGGLES.
SPONGEBOB, WAIT!
WAIT, SPONGEBOB!
YOU CAN'T TAKE MY BOAT.
SPONGEBOB!
WAIT!
SPONGEBOB!
GET BACK HERE WITH MY BOAT!
YEA!
YEAH!
- TALK ABOUT A SLOW DAY AT THE OFFICE, HUH?
YOU SAID IT, PARTNER.
MY BATON'S ITCHING FOR THE NOGGIN
OF A LAWBREAKER.
OKAY, FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID.
SPONGE, PULL OVER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW!
SPONGEBOB!
AGH!
ALL RIGHT, KID.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BOATING SAFETY?
BOATING SAFETY?
YES, OFFICER, I DO.
BOATING SAFETY IS THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF EVERY BOATER IN THE WHOLE OCEAN.
EACH BOATER MUST FOLLOW THE RULES AND REGULATIONS
STIPULATED IN THE BOATER'S SAFETY HANDBOOK.
LEARN THE MEANING OF ALL POSTED SIGNS.
WHEN CONSIDERING SPEED LIMITS,
PAY ATTENTION TO ONE'S SURROUNDINGS. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. RED MEANS NO PARKING.
ALWAYS OBEY AUTHORITY FIGURES.
RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF PEDESTRIANS.
ALWAYS BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, AND FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF
WITH ALL SHADES OF CURB.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH BLAH-BLAH BLAH.
REMEMBER, BLAH, BLAH.
A MOTOR VEHICLE IS 2,000 POUNDS OF BLAH BLAH.
AND BLAH BLAH, IT'S IN YOUR BLAH.
- GEE, KID. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH.
I NEVER EVEN KNEW SOME OF THOSE THINGS MYSELF.
AHA!
FINALLY.
THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW HAS CAUGHT UP WITH YOU.
I GUESS I WON'T BE SEEING YOU
IN MY DRIVER'S EDUCATION CLASS
FOR THE NEXT 5 TO 10 YEARS.
WAIT, WAIT, MISS CHUCKLES.
DID YOU SAY YOU WERE HIS BOATING INSTRUCTOR?
YES. WHY?
- UNDER PENAL CODE 26-1, QUOTE,
"THE BOATING INSTRUCTOR IS RESPONSIBLE—"
- "FOR ANY MINOR'S DELINQUENT ACTIONS
UNDER THAT TEACHER'S CARE."
UNQUOTE.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE YOU IN, MADAME.
WHAT?
NO!
- HEY, BUDDY, YOU GOT OVER YOUR FEAR
OF GIVING AN ORAL TALKING THING.
HEY, I DID.
THANKS, PAL.
OH, THAT REMINDS ME.
YOU FORGOT THESE.
WHOA!
OH, THEY REALLY WORK.
- AND WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?
OH! AGH!