Rest of the place is clear.
Yeah. Uh... no I.D. on this one.
Um... and no clue who is painted on the walls.
Well, whatever happened, looks like we missed it.
Yeah. Great.
Wait a second.
What the hell?
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Hey, Christopher Nolan.
Yeah? Lens cap.
Oh, crap. Damn.
Strong work, genius.
Dude, I have no idea what to make this movie about.
And I'm, like ... I'm A/V Club President,
so, you know, it's got to be good.
Here. Give me that.
I'll tell you what you're gonna make it about.
You're gonna make it? Okay.
In a world where nothing is what it seems...
one brave, shockingly handsome, virile young man
and his faithful,
learning-disabled, robotic manservant... Oh, no.
must battle through waves of cybernetic asshats
in order to sexually liberate the women of ...
Okay. Give me that. Give me that.
Oh, please.
I bet at least one of these girls would let you partake
in their awkward-guy experimental phase.
What? These girls?
Yep.
Okay. #fails.
Homeschooled.
Secretly in love with her roommate.
Listens to country music.
Oh, dude, dude. 12:00, blonde.
Yeah. Wait. Is she ... oh, crap, crap.
Dude, take it, take it. Just take it. I don't want to take it.
Were you just filming me?
No. Uh, I wouldn't do that.
Does it have the new firmware?
Uh, yes. Yes, it does.
How's it handle?
You tell me.
Well, your settings are way off.
Oh, I-I like the way the colors ...
you probably don't care about that.
Yeah, so, you weren't checking me out?
Well, I do have a thing for beautiful women
who respect their privacy.
Uh, dick move on my part. I'm sorry.
Don't be.
I have a thing for guys with cool cameras.
Hey.
No, no, no. Look, it's a great movie,
but of the two, I-I prefer "Last Year at Marienbad."
You know?
Yeah. It's a classic.
Yeah. How do you like that lens?
It's good. Yeah, yeah. It's lighter for sure.
It's good.
You know, uh, Michael knows nothing about cameras, right?
Yeah. But, uh, I'm teaching him.
Teaching who?
Oh, my boyfriend.
He's, uh, big, tall, and handsome.
Mm. Sounds delish.
Yeah, you should totally meet him.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
Let's see. Five years from now?
Hopefully passed the bar exam, practicing law.
Nothing corporate, something, uh...
something green, you know?
Green is good.
Hippie.
Oh, shut up.
Oh, geez.
Uh, maybe, like, working for HBO
or ... or, like, Michael Moore.
That'd be cool.
Double hippie.
Whatever.
I will be on a boat in the middle of the ocean
with my beautiful girl by my side.
Aww... sap.
And you can come, too.
Nice. See what you just did there?
Display of that,
let's make sure we put our hand up first next time.
All right, brains, let's get our pens and pencils out.
It's time for notes.
So, let's turn our attention
to our cruelly nicknamed friend Piggy.
He uses his glasses to create fire, the sun dial.
He's also rational.
He inhabits rational thought on the island.
What'd I miss?
Just another pitch-perfect lecture from Professor Ludensky.
Yeah.
Do you know Simon was a Christ figure?
Yeah.
No.
Please tell me you taped it.
Come on. Who loves you?
Aww. I wish I could quit you.
Yeah, right. Yeah.
Oh, hey. Watch it, asshat!
What'd you call me?
Come on. Let's move. I want to see it.
Let's go.
Oh, man.
Hey, can you shoot some of this for my movie?
Is that legal? Who cares?
Yeah, that's not good.
Someone got murdered on campus?
You guys live two blocks from here.
Look, look, look. Starsky and Hutch.
Rizzoli and Isles.
Special Agent Rose, and this is Special Agent Hudson.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
Our jobs. You want to tell us what's going on?
Whatever you say, boss.
Got a call from a woman that lives upstairs.
Said, uh, she heard an attack,
came down, found her neighbor here.
Jacob Carter.
Who'd he say? Uh, Jacob Carter?
I don't know. Well, is the witness still home?
Sure is. She's not the most reliable type.
She said she heard some kind of growl,
like there was a coyote down here.
Awesome.
So, the FBI is here.
Your neighbor got murdered, but you're totally cool.
No. It's not ... it's not that I'm cool.
It's just that, like... I mean,
that it's good that the FBI are here, right?
That ... that is so annoyingly logical.
Hey, baby. Listen.
Oh. It's pretty. What is it?
It's the song that was playing when we first met.
Aww. You are so disgustingly sweet.
You ready? Yeah.
- Cool. I got to go. - What?
So, you just foam the runway with our song
and then you got to head out the door?
I promised I'd help him test the new cameras.
Don't give me that crap.
I know you two idiots
are gonna go shoot cut scenes for "Jackass."
Come on.
We both know he has nobody else to do this with. Rain check.
Whatever. You're dead to me.
Mm.
Do something cool.
Dude, this tree is awesome. Hang on.
Maybe I could ... maybe I could... get upside down and ...
No, no, I said cool. Ha ha.
This is stupid.
Can you get ... can you see me?
Gonna try and get ... is this cool?
'Cause, man, it feels pretty cool.
It's like "Dumb & Dumber 3."
Ha ha ha. Okay.
Wait, dude, dude, dude, dude. What?
Turn around. Turn around. What?
Turn. It's those FBI guys. What?
Help ... help me down this tree. Help me out of the tree.
Oh, all right.
Well, thank you, guys, very much for your help.
You're free to go.
All right. There is not a case.
There is a case here. You're rusty.
We just got to dig a little deeper. Come on.
Dude, it's so crazy.
Is it just me or are you getting
a workplace-romance vibe from those two?
Let's go. Yeah.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come here, come here. Look, look, look, look, look, look.
What?
Yes.
D-bags mating in the wild.
Okay, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah.
Oh!
Stop.
Stop! Hey!
Strike three. You're a dick. Come on!
What's your problem? This is gonna look great on YouTube.
Oh. Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Hey! What the hell?
Oh, crap, crap. Oh, God.
Hey, Brian, Brian!
Meet me at Scott's mother's house!
Oh, God.
Oh, come on. I paid her fair and square, man!
Thanks for a great night out, Bri.
Hello?
Scott, cut it out, man!
Oh, God.
Hey, Michael. You can come out now, dude.
Scott looked for us for a while but bailed.
Mike?
Mike? Dude.
Oh, my God. Dude.
Michael. You okay, man?
I'm okay.
What happened?
I don't know. I don't know.
Oh, God.
Kate!
Oh, my God! Baby, baby, baby, baby!
Something bit Michael.
Okay. Oh, my God.
What is it? Is it bad?
Brian. Kate.
Is it bad?
The bite ... the bite's gone.
911. What's your emergency?
Did ... did you dicks just punk me?
Is anybody there? Hello? What? It's completely gone.
Baby, it's okay.
Hey, hey, hey. Honey, it's okay.
It's okay. Babe.
The doctor said he's gonna be fine.
You heard him.
Literally not a scratch on the kid.
If anything happens to Michael, I-I don't know what I would do.
Shh. It's okay.
What?
Baby. Uh...
Did you just pull that off? Whoa. Whoa.
Okay. Okay, okay. Now ... now one-handed.
Oh, my God!
Stay still, stay still, stay still.
Dude, whoa!
Maybe you got bit by an alien.
That would explain the FBI.
Or maybe a mutant bit you.
Am I a superhero now?
Baby.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I finally found my movie.
What?
Michael? Michael is not your movie.
We don't even know what happened to him.
Exactly.
I'm gonna get Michael's origin story on-camera.
You're kind of creeping me out, man.
Seriously, nothing superheroic to see here.
Just a delicious bagel.
Hey, man, I have this idea.
It's gonna sound really weird, but don't laugh, okay?
No promises.
I, um... I really want to be able to do what you do.
So I-I think maybe we could go back out there
and get that thing to bite me,
and then we could both be superheroes. Stop! What? Are you serious?
Michael, you can't keep this to yourself.
Keep what to myself?
We don't even know what this thing is.
Why the hell would you want it?
Michael... I don't ... I don't want to be Piggy anymore, man.
You're ... you're not a pig, man.
Brian, listen to me. There's nothing wrong with you.
You've just got to figure out what it is you want
and go after it.
I'm telling you ... you don't want this.
Right, 'cause I don't want to be super-strong
or have a prayer of getting any ass this year or...
Please, please.
No, man!
No.
Not it. Not it.
Children.
Dudes, dudes, dudes. It's the FBI.
What?
It's the FBI. No.
Baby, what are you doing?
Hi, there. Hi.
Special Agents rose and Hudson.
We wanted to ask you a few questions
about the murder that occurred a few blocks from here.
First off, did you know the victim, Jacob Carter?
Um, no, not really.
Do you remember anything unusual about that night?
Not that I recall.
Right.
Well, uh, heard about anyone in the neighborhood getting,
uh ... getting bit?
Humor me. No, I-I don't think so.
All right. Well, no worries. How about this?
If you hear anything strange...
call us...
No matter how late.
Okay.
Thanks.
Thank you.
So, what do you think?
Well, based on what we've got so far,
we could be dealing with another Mayan God.
Ah, that's fantastic,
'cause the other one was such a joy.
Campus dormitories?
Yep.
The FBI are looking for what bit you.
Are you an "X-file"?
No. He's not an "X-file." Listen.
So far, we could be dealing with another Mayan God.
I'm a golden God.
I am a golden God!
Ha ha, whoo!
You guys are ridiculous.
I am a golden God.
I am a God.
Huh?
What's up, BVC?
It's Scotty P. patrolling with the Oak Hill crew ...
Doug... Evan... Tucker.
See, some animal killed a local citizen,
so we're out here tonight
making sure these streets are safe
for all you fine honeys out there, all right?
Let's fan out, boys.
All right. Let's go.
Yo!
Back off, douche-wheel. Not tonight.
Ooh. Oh. Ooh, I'm so scared.
Listen...
What... what the...?
Yeah, I got you now, you piece of...
Why don't you come take your beating like a man?
If you won't come out and play,
I'll go visit that little piece of yours.
Kate?
Yeah, I'll got visit Katie, show her what a real man ...
Michael?
Dude, do you think this is funny?
Come on! Cut it out.
Can I ask you something about him?
With everything that's happened,
are you afraid of him?
At first, yeah.
I mean, it was pretty scary.
But... then, to be totally honest,
it's actually been pretty hot.
O... M... G.
Baby?
Just...
Can you tell us what happened?
I, uh ... I ran into Scott.
He chased me, and I think I killed him.
What?
Turn it off.
Off!
He started talking about you, and I saw red.
The next thing I remember, I was running home.
On the video...
What were those things on your hands?
Claws? Did anybody see you?
Kate, you're not trying to justify ... No.
We don't know what happened, Brian.
What? He can't defend himself?
Give me this.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Figured I'd see you guys again.
Well, if you did your job right,
we wouldn't be here, would we?
Easy. Uh, so, what do you got? Vic's name was Scott Parker.
Looks like the same thing that killed the Carter kid
got Mr. Parker here.
Wait. Same thing?
Look, I-I'm only the local yokel,
but this kid was shredded by an animal.
Where's his heart?
Patrolman found it up the way there.
Eaten mostly.
Show us.
Brian, wait.
Did you eat a human heart?
Did you? What are you talking about?
What is he talking about? Scott's dead.
He was shredded, and his heart's gone.
That doesn't mean that Michael ...
What do you think happened to it?
Where's his heart, Michael?
I don't remember what happened. Don't lie to me!
Hey, Brian, calm down!
Look, I mean, there's got to be an explanation for this.
Really?
It was... self-defense. Eating a heart is self-defense?
Kate, who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?
You need to back off.
Why? You gonna eat my heart, too?
Michael!
I don't know what's happening to me.
I don't know who I am anymore.
You're Michael Wheeler.
And you're mine, okay? You hear me?
We have to call the police.
Brian.
Kate, how ... how can you?
You have to see what's really going on here.
Whatever he is, it's not good ... it's not good for you.
Michael didn't mean to hurt you.
Obviously he did, Kate.
You just don't get it, do you?
What? What don't I understand?
You've never been in love.
What we need are answers.
I can't hear them.
Seriously, Kate, what are we doing?
What are we doing? Seriously?
Wait. Kate, don't.
Cut marks on both vics are clean
but have the curvature of animal claws.
I don't know.
I mean, maybe there's a wild animal on the loose?
Biggest animal in the county is a raccoon.
Hmm.
Thank you for your time. You bet.
Appreciate it. Okay.
Hey. No, no.
Hey.
So, what did I miss? Anything?
Not unless you want to put an A.P.B. out on Rocky Raccoon.
Great.
Um, the local police files are not online,
so I had to dig through the county records.
Um, 10 years ago, there was a similar unsolved murder.
Check it out.
Death by claws and, uh, lack of heart?
So we're talking a ...
No. Not that time of the month.
Awesome. Yeah.
Time to hit the books and feed the monster.
They know something. We got to follow them.
Michael. Come on. Michael.
Geez.
How'd you find us?
GPS in your phones.
Duh.
You know, you're starting to creep me out, man.
The feeling's mutual, dude.
What else can you hack into, Brian?
Anything.
Test, test. Can you hear me?
Copy that.
Yeah, the feed is looping to my laptop right now.
Head in, make sure you're within spitting distance,
and we should be in business.
Um, and don't get arrested.
Okay.
I'll do it.
You sure? Yeah. Give me the bag.
We good?
Uh... a little left.
How's that?
Awesome. Thank you.
Thanks.
Dude, two burgers?
Hey, I didn't eat at Big P's for like a year, okay?
Clear eyes and clogged arteries ...
can't lose.
Hey, check this out.
"Werewolves that are turned
up to four generations from pureblood..."
Think he means Alpha?
"... are less feral and can transform
before, during, and after the lunar cycle."
Boom.
Let me see that.
Purebloods don't black out during the transformation.
They can control themselves.
Some have been able to subsist off of animal hearts.
So ... so, what?
We're hunting a-a werewolf with a pedigree?
Awesome. Let's hope he has his papers.
Yeah, and that silver can kill him.
So... what?
Best in show comes here 10 years ago, ganked some poor woman.
Then when the dust settles and everything's in the clear,
he just sets up shop?
Yeah, comes for the human hearts, stays for the co-eds.
Right.
And then everything's wine and roses ...
and animal tickers ...
until he gets the hankering for human again.
Told you there was a case here.
Now we just got to find it and kill it.
I'm a werewolf.
A werewolf.
Michael, come on. Baby, you need to calm down.
Calm down? I'm a werewolf! Hey, we need to find ...
the FBI is trying to kill me. Shut up! Everybody, shut up, okay?
First thing's first, those guys ...
those guys aren't FBI, all right?
I'm pretty sure that FBI agents don't say "awesome" that much.
You know?
And ... and they definitely don't hunt and kill college kids.
Did ... did they say anything else?
Dude, they just sat and talked
about how they have been apart for a year.
You were probably right about that whole office-romance thing.
I'm screwed.
Kate, come on. What are we supposed to do?
Okay, you know what?
You guys, you're missing the big picture, okay?
They ... they don't know about you, Michael.
They're looking for whoever, whatever
bit you in the first place, the pureblood.
That...
that gives us some time...
to figure it out, you know?
So, what's the plan?
What, eat chicken hearts for the rest of my life?
Michael. Baby.
Yeah, okay, that sounds like a great idea.
I'm a freaking werewolf. That's a great idea.
I'm trying to figure it out.
I'm trying to figure it out, okay?
Will you just listen to me?
Hey, guys.
I think I found something.
I'm not going anywhere, okay?
Ah.
A little early for office hours, Brian.
What can I help you with?
I know what you are.
Hey. What are you doing?
We're leaving in the morning.
What? Why?
Those guys ... look, they might find Michael, and ...
No, Kate, you don't have to worry about that.
You don't have to worry about anything.
I took care of it.
You took care of what?
Brian, what did you do?
I know what you are.
Yeah, I'm your professor.
And thanks. I've been looking for that.
Where'd you find it?
Where you left it... after you bit my friend.
I'm sorry. What are you ...
Stop, stop, stop. Stop trying to cover.
Just listen to me very carefully.
I'm filming all this.
And I've got a hidden camera in here, too.
It's feeding back to my laptop at home,
so if anything happens to me ...
Nothing is going to happen to you, Brian.
But you know what? You need to calm down.
I want you to turn me into a werewolf.
Brian, I-I don't know where you ... You don't know?
Really?
Well, how about I, uh, cut you with this.
Brian, listen to me. This thing's made of silver, you know.
Look, I'm not ... please, I'm not what you think that I am.
I don't care what you are. I just want you to turn me.
I don't want to hurt you.
You're not going to,
'cause if you do, all of this winds up on CNN.
So, you stumbled on Carter, wolfed out, and then what?
Got a taste for hearts again?
You never lose the taste,
if you're stupid enough to have one.
Once you have a human heart,
it's almost impossible to control the monster inside.
But I did, until last week when I, uh...
fell off the wagon, as they say.
You have no idea ... no idea ... how hard it is.
I've trained myself not to hurt anyone.
I have ... I have trained myself to...
choke down those other hearts.
Animal hearts.
And I have been clean...
Until last week?
And then I saw Carter alone, and he was...
he looked so weak.
It's harder to cover things up nowadays.
I knew a hunter would catch wind of this sooner or later.
They did. They're here.
You needed a patsy.
Michael.
Yes.
The young man who sleeps through most of my lectures.
I mean, who would miss him?
Me.
Why are you doing this?
I want to see what you guys see...
do what you do.
I'm sick of being Piggy.
I want to be Ralph.
We don't get to choose who we are.
I did.
Oh, my God. Brian.
Oh, my God. What are you? Insane?
You're welcome for saving your ass.
Look, watch.
Hey!
Thank you.
I've never killed a pureblood before.
What was he looking at?
What the hell?
See?
Problem solved.
They killed the pureblood, they're moving on,
and we're in the clear, just like you said.
I never said ...
Kate, I, uh...
I did this to protect you.
I did what you couldn't.
They saw the camera, Brian.
You don't think they'll trace that back to you?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Nothing's wrong with me.
You told me that.
I just... finally figured out what I want,
and now I'm going after it.
You thought I was hiding behind this?
I was hiding behind you.
I am done living in your shadow.
I've always lived in your shadow.
But now ... now we're equals.
Anything you can do, right? What?
You think this is a game?
Do you have any idea what you've done to yourself?
Well, you wouldn't bite me, so I had to ... You asked him to?
He asked you to bite him?
I didn't, okay?
I didn't want to hurt you.
I would never hurt you, Brian.
This thing inside of me ... you don't want this.
Oh, well, it's too late for that now.
I remember attacking Scott.
I remember ripping his beating heart out of his chest.
I remember the look in his dead eyes
when I bit into that heart, Brian.
And above all, I remember how sweet,
how delicious it tasted, and ever since I've tasted it,
I've felt more powerful and more out of control.
More weak.
You don't need someone like Michael.
You need someone that can take care of you.
I can take care of myself.
Let her go.
Or what? You gonna cry some more?
No! No!
No!
God! God!
God!
Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
Please don't die.
I love you, baby.
I love you.
Michael?
Michael!
Kate, listen to me. I love you. I love you.
You'll understand. You just need to see what I see.
After I bite you, you'll understand.
Kate?
Let me in.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
We can fix this. We can... Just let me in, okay?
Brian?
Brian, I'm coming out.
I see it now.
I understand.
I told you it would be all right.
Yeah.
It will be. Here.
No, no!
I didn't finish Brian's movie to justify what happened.
To be totally honest,
I'm not really even sure if I understand it at all.
I just wanted you to know that ...
that Michael wasn't always a monster.
None of us were.
Five years from now?
Hopefully passed the bar exam, practicing law.
Nothing corporate, something green, you know?
Oh, geez.
Uh, maybe, like, working for HBO
or ... or, like, Michael Moore.
That'd be cool.
I will be on a boat in the middle of the ocean
with my beautiful girl by my side.
Aww.
I'm leaving.
And you'll never hear from me ever again.
Look, I know that there's another way.
I can eat animal hearts.
I've never hurt anyone.
Nobody human, anyway.
I didn't choose this.
Please...
Please give me a chance.
Okay, so, uh...
this ... yeah ... is Michael, which means that that is...
Brian Wilcox, our friendly neighborhood cameraman.
Right.
Mm.
All right, so...
What, she's got about a half-day jump on us?
Mm-hmm.
You all right?
Mm-hmm.
Look, Kate's right.
She hasn't hurt anybody ... well, anybody human at least.
No, she didn't ... she didn't choose this.
Let's give her a shot.
Seriously?
Yeah, yeah.
And, look, if Kate pops back up,
I mean, if she strays, then no questions asked.
We do what we got to do and, um, we take her down.
Hey, Sam?
Yeah?
Do I really say "awesome" a lot?
No. No, no. No.
Mm.
Huh.
Awesome.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==