&&
Yeah, even the radio works.
And all the doors, they open.
And it's got brakes too. I mean—
Can you believe this? I mean, my uncle, he just gave it to me.
He gave it to me for free.
That is insane.
I would pay tens of dollars for this.
Or not.
Did he own a cat?
- Yeah, I'm getting an air freshener for that. - Yeah, get a big one.
Guys, guys, this thing is like a bedroom on wheels.
Uh— Uh, no more, "Michael, the backseat's too small.
"Michael, you're on my hair.
Michael, you're choking me."
That's over.
Wow, look at this piece ofjunk.
This is myvan.
Yeah? You know, I had a Ford deliveryvan in high school.
- It's a lot of fun till somebody gets preg—
You gotta be careful in this van, you know what I mean?
An idiot would know what you mean.
What doyou mean?
Sell the van, kid.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, I'm happy.
All right. You know what? Shouldn'tyou guys be meditating or something?
&&
Hey. Come here, Forman.
I want you to feastyour eyes on this very large and flat cargo area.
Wow. You could haul plywood in this.
Right. Or Donna.
Whywould I wanna haul— Oh, right. Okay.
Nah. No. You know what? She wouldn't do it in a van. She wants it to be special.
What areyou guys talkin' about?
Oh— Uh, plywood.
Good. Good.
- 'Cause I'm not doin' it in a van. - Oh.
Oh, you know what'll make it really special?
Not talking toyour friends about us doin' it.
& Hangin'out&
& Down thestreet&
& The same old thing&
& We didlast week&
& Not a thing to do &
& But talk toyou&
& We're all all right&
& We're all all right&&
Hello, Wisconsin!
Okay, Eric, it's your father's last day at work. But don't mention it.
I n fact, my advice to both you kids is just— just eat and get out.
Mrs. Forman, I could hide in the basement.
No, no. I am not gonna have you kids leave withoutyour breakfast.
You know what's fun? A bacon sandwich.
Here. You can eat it in the car.
- Morning. - Oh, great.
Nowyour father's gonna see three mouths he has to feed.
Oh, you're wearing your University ofWisconsin sweatshirt.
- Yeah, Mother, I went there. - No, you flunked out of there.
You might as well just wearyour "University ofl Wasted My Father's Money" sweatshirt.
Take it off.
Oh, God, no. Leave it on.
She lacks character, Mrs. Forman.
Shut up. You are lucky to even live here.
You're an orphan.
She called me an orphan.
Hey, he's not an orphan. His mom just abandoned him.
Shut up, Forman!
Okay, that's it. Everybody hide in the basement. Go.
Morning.
Amen. Everybody sit and eat.
- How areyou? - Great.
So, um, what areyou doing?
Reading.
Having some coffee.
Is the coffee good?
Okay. Everybody knows...
that today is my last day at work.
Last day that the plant is open.
So, I just want to tell you all...
that everything is going to be great.
So, great.
Daddy, that is such good news.
Can I have $20?
You get in the basement.
So, Jackie...
what doyou think?
Oh, Michael, it's horrible!
What areyou talkin' about?
You said it was cool on the phone, Michael, but it's not.
I-It's horrible. I can't be seen in this.
It's like— Yuck— It's like having a sty.
Uh-oh. This van will not be rocking.
Oh, sure is something.
Twenty-threeyears working here, and now it's all gone.
Course, you're gonna find work. You're a supervisor.
Well— That's true. Excuse me.
Sad as hell, ain't it, Red? Gee, it's a real bad time for me to be gettin' laid off.
You know, my husband, Bucky, his skin graft didn't take.
Yeah, that's, uh— that's, uh, real sad, Amy.
- Red. Dale. Amy.
Hey, I'm stealing office supplies.
Red, you didn't want your stapler, did ya?
- No. - Good, 'cause I already stole it.
Hey, Red, you know, uh...
we're all gonna go over to Charlie's for one last drink.
I thought maybe you could pop in for one.
Oh, no, I, uh— I don't, uh, pop—
I told you he wouldn't come with us. He hates us.
Well, I—
Yeah, baby.
Yep.
You and me are going places.
& Havin' my baby &
& It's anotherway ofsaying how much I loveyou &
& Havin' my baby &&
- Yeah! Paul Anka!
Man! You kick some serious musical ass.
- Thank you, Kelso. - Man, I knew once I got myvan...
I'd be having some bitchin' Hollywood parties.
[Man ] Right on, Kelso.
I love the van.
It's a real Lyle Waggoner place to be.
Yeah. Yeah. With a ride like this...
you must get a butt load ofladies.
Actually, Paul, I'm just with Jackie at the moment.
JustJackie?
What areyou, an idiot?
Well, Lyle, Paul...
I know that a fine machine like this would—
well, snag me lots ofpelt.
But I— I loveJackie.
And a real man can deny his man instincts.
Whoya talkin'to? - Oh!
Ahh.
Oh, hello...
Laurie.
What areyou doing here?
I'm bored. There's nothing on TV.
So, this is your new ride, huh?
- It is. - Mm-hmm.
It's really, uh, roomy.
Listen, Laurie, uh, I— I don't think you should be in here.
I mean, I— I know we've made out...
a couple dozen times—
- Twice. - Okay.
Uh, but that's over.
Gosh, I sure do feel close toyou, Kelso.
Ahh-ha-ha-ha.
Ah, listen, Laurie, I— I— I—
I don't think my girlfriend, Jackie...
would likeyou sitting on me.
I think you like me sitting on you.
In fact, I knowyou do.
Okay.
But that's not the point.
Shut up, Kelso. This is your lucky day.
Laurie, don't. Stop.
Hey, uh— uh— Those are my pants.
No!
Yes. Yes.
So, what's new, Kelso?
Oh, man.
I mean, nothing.
So, Eric, I-isn't your sister hot?
No.
In fact, Kelso, I think you're the only loser here who thinks she is hot.
Not true.
I have pictured her naked hundreds oftimes.
Why, just this morning, I was taking a shower—
Come on, Fez, man. It is absolutely inappropriate...
and disrespectful to talk about how hot somebody else's sister is...
no matter how bad you want to give it to her.
Right, Kelso?
Oh, man.
- I— - What is it, boy?
Is there trouble?
Is there something you want to tell us about Eric's sister?
I totally did it with her!
I'm sorry, man.
What?
I— I mean, she took advantage of me.
Uh— Uh, I'm— I'm violated.
You idiot. Your thumbs are still up.
Acting's hard.
Hey, shut up, perv. That's my sister.
- Come on. - I know.
It is forbidden, taboo, titillating.
Isn't it ironic that titillating has the word "tit" in it?
Oh, man. That reminds me—
No! Shut up!
Look, Iswearto God, yousayone more word about mysister, and I'm gonna tellJackie.
Man...
I forgot about Jackie.
Right. Right. You forgot you have this huge, bitchy anchor tied around your neck.
I mean— It could happen.
So, I guess the first time it actually really happened...
was when I was horseback riding.
&&
Huh.
So, you know...
I think this van could be pretty nice.
You know, I'm glad he got it.
At least it's a step towards responsibility.
Maybe Michael's maturing.
Yeah, hang on to that dream, Jackie.
Donna, I'm serious.
I think he's growing up.
I'm so proud ofhim that if I weren't already sleeping with him...
I'd sleepwith him.
So, haveyou andEric done ityet?
Yeah, we did it, and I forgot to mention it.
Oh.
So, what's the holdup?
Whatever.
It'll happen when it happens.
Sure.
Yeah, I guess if I were Eric's girlfriend, I would not be in a hurry to do it either.
&&
You know what?
Maybeyou should ask Kelso if you could borrow his van some night.
Cool.
So, like, uh—
Which night?
I don't know. Some night.
Is that like a Wednesday?
Could be.
Could tonight be some night?
No.
Well—
I don't know. Maybe.
- Yeah?
- You sure? - Hey, where are the cushions?
&&
Look at me. I'm almost 50.
You're not over 50?
- Oh, you gotta shut up. - Shut up.
I only know how to do one thing. I've been doing it mywhole life.
It's not like another one of these plants is gonna open up in this crap hole.
How am I gonna support my family?
Aw, to hell with it.
At least I gotyou guys.
And I loveyou guys!
Okay. Um, thank you for calling, Amy. Yeah, bye.
Eric, you have to go pickyour father up at Charlie's Bar.
At Charlie's? Oh, is he drunk?
No, he's not drunk. He's— He's not feeling well.
Red's drunk.
He is not. He is just— He's not feeling well.
Come on, Fez. My dad's drunk.
He is not drunk. He is not feeling well.
Mmm. Michael, these cushions are really nice.
Where'd you get 'em?
Uh, I found 'em.
You're nesting, Michael. That is so mature.
All right, listen. Jackie, we have to talk.
This van is changing me.
I know, Michael. I know.
You do? Great.
'Cause I want you to be on board with what I'm gonna say.
Transportation is a big responsibility.
That is so true.
Yeah. So, I'd like to see other people.
No.
Wh-What I mean to say is that you and I should see other people.
No.
Okay. Wh-What if just I see other people?
No.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey, hey. The gang's all here.
- How ya doin', Fez? - Oh, my God. He knows my name.
Hey, are those sideburns?
Since eighth grade.
Hey, bring these guys a beer.
Uh, no. Dad, I'm supposed to takeyou home. Mom said so.
Normally, you do whatyour mother says.
Sometimes, you know, you're a dumb-ass.
But mostly...
you're a good kid.
Thank you, sir.
But this was my last day at work.
And I didn't get a party. And I didn't get a gold watch.
And I didn't get crap.
So...
let's drink.
- Hello? - Hello, Mother?
Hi, Mom!
This is your son, Eric.
I am not feeling well.
I'll be right there.
Oh, Red.
I loveyou, Kitty.
Uh-huh.
Bartender, could I have two coffees, please?
I'll have two more beers.
- Red. - Okay. Okay. I'll just have the one beer.
This isn't likeyou, Red.
What? I can't have a beer?
No, hanging around with people. You hate people.
Yeah, I do.
- You know, we're gonna get through this. - Yeah, I know.
Oh, heck. We've been through worse times than these.
Just for the fun of it, Kitty...
when was that?
Well, I don't know.
- Areyou worried? - Nope.
- Are you worried?
No.
Naw, I'm not worried, Kitty.
I'm too drunk to be worried.
& Up against the wall Redneck Mother &
Whoo-hoo.
& Mother, who has raised a son so well &
- Okay, you know what? Let's turn that off.
Hey, I got Amy's phone number.
Good for you, Steven.
Well, I hope she's still pretty tomorrow.
Okay. You know what? Let's just turn that "Redneck Mother" song back on.
&&
& He was 34 and drinking in a honky-tonk &
& Kickin' hippies' asses and raisin' hell &&
Hey.
God, where wereyou last night?
I went and had a few beers with the old man.
Itwas pretty special.
Oh, 'cause, you know, I— I came by.
You came by?
Yeah. I came by 'cause I was thinking...
last night was the night.
- Last night? - Mm-hmm.
I will definitely be here tonight.
Nah, tonight doesn't feel right.
- Right. - Not theway last night felt.
Oh, right.
Oh, my God.
I really do loveJackie.
And she says that we can't see other people. So—
Oh, sweet Kelso.
You're a tool, and I will useyou when I please.
Okay, baby?
Okay.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hi, sweetie.
Oh, Kelso.
You watch your ass.