Eric, you've hardlytouched your breakfast.
That's because I don't know what it is.
Well, it's just— it's eggs and hash...
and some... surprises.
- Mom, why aren't you eating it? - Well, I have never been a breakfast person.
- Is this rabbit? - No.
Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Laurie, it is not dog food. And, God, I hope so.
So? Would you hire me?
I'd hireyou, Daddy, especially if the position was World's Best Father.
Oh, you make me sick.
Is it horse?
No, it is not horse.
Honey, now I knowyou've been just a little bit blue since the plant closed.
So, I gotyou a present.
Ta-da!
"You're Hired!
The Essential Guide ForJob Hunting. "
Kitty, I don't need that.
I've been working since I was 16.
I fought in two wars. Hell, I killed people.
I— I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it.
No, no, no, no. I just, I thought it'd giveyou a little edge.
I don't need an edge. I'm Red Forman.
I'm experienced, loyal, hardworking.
- That's the trifecta of employability! - Well, thanks, sweetie.
- Good luck, honey. - Bye, Daddy!
- Okay. - I got it!
It's tongue.
& Hangin'out&
& Down the street&
& The same old thing&
& We did last week&
& Not a thing to do &
& But talk toyou&
& We're all all right&
& We're all all right&&
Hello, Wisconsin!
Al I right, it's official. My parents are freaks!
Which one of you is my boyfriend again?
Right, it's you. You're taking me out of this stinkin' town tonight!
Wait, wait, wait. Donna, don't you wanna know why Fez is in his undies?
No.
It is a really crazy story.
Oh. Oh, you know what? I'll tell you a crazy story.
It all started like four minutes ago.
Oh, good God. What areyou guys doing now?
Yoga. I'm trying to align your father's chakras.
I didn't even know the damn things were out ofwhack.
Why can'tyou guys be normal?
Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras. Please leave.
- Gladly. - Oh, and, honey.
We're also exploring tantric sex.
So, if you hear any strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom tonight—
Ew! Why mustyou guys freak me out on a daily basis?
I don't want to pictureyou naked. And I'm leaving now.
Forever.
Ouch. Okay, Donna.
I thinkwe need to takeyou out for some dirty bad fun.
Thank you, Eric.
Oh, you want dirty bad fun? Listen to this.
I came here fully clothed—
Ooh! No, no, no. I know!
There's this new club that opened in Chicago.
It's supposed to be like— like the hottest spot this side ofStudio 54.
My God, you guys, that's perfect.
No, no, Michael, we can't go.
My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and we have to study.
Study? Ah, what a gyp!
- I'm going to the club. - No, no, Michael.
You're coming over to my house tonight.
And we're gonna... "study".
Fine!
God, I never get to do anything fun.
God, you're dumb.
I guess that's why I gotta go study.
Hi. Red Forman— experienced, loyal, hardworking.
Yeah.
- Hey! - Hey, it's Red.
It's all of you guys from the, uh— from the plant, huh?
So, we're all going after the same job.
Well, that's, uh— that's terrific.
Well, I wish I had your confidence, Red. I got nothing.
All I could think to do was tell this guy I'm experienced, loyal and hardworking.
Son of a bitch.
So, I brought my books.
Michael, we're not gonna study.
We're not?
No.
My parents are gonna be gone for hours.
Oh!
So, what doyou wanna do?
Oh, check it out. Bowie.
Man, he's cool.
Yeah, androgynous guys are so manly.
Michael, doyou know who would look totally, totally sexy...
glammed up like Bowie?
Who?
- You, Michael. - You're crazy.
No, I'm not glam.
Come on, Michael. You have such pretty eyes.
- Well, my lashes do go out like a mile. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And with this, I can flip 'em up.
- No way! - Yeah, yeah!
&&
- Eric, you here? - Yeah, I'm in the living room, baby.
- What areyou staring at? - You're really... brick house.
- Thanks. You wanna— - Shh.
Let me just stare at you for a second.
- Can we just— - Hup.
Okay, I'm good.
- God, this is stupid. - Shut up, Michael. I'm almost done.
I can't believe I letyou talk me into this.
- Okay. Here. Take a look. - Fine.
Okay, yeah, my eyes are gorgeous.
See? See? I told you.
Michael, doyou know what you need now? Some blush.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jackie.
All right, glam is one thing, but I thinkwe're crossing over into weird.
No, no, trust me, Michael, we're not.
With cheekbones like that, blush is your best friend.
Yeah, I do have bitchin' cheekbones.
Okay, let's blush!
&&
People are so friendly around here.
Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Yeah. For money, Fez.
I could not ask them for money.
Or could I?
Wow, guys. Check out this crowd.
I know. This is gonna be so great! Let's go see how long the wait is.
- Excuse me, how long— - You're in.
Oh, man, I'm so up for this.
Notyou.
Well, that's fine. I'll just wait with you guys.
- No, we're next. Go in. - Yeah?
All right, I'll seeyou guys inside.
You know what? This is probably just some kind offire code thing.
Yeah, okay. Wait. What's going on? We're next.
No. You're not.
What areyou talking about?
Well, Archie...
I'm here to let the cool people in and keep the geeks out.
Those poor stupid geeks!
Oh, my God. We are geeks.
Hey, did slipping the bouncer a ten work?
Yes, it did, Hyde. That's why I'm inside the club.
- Thereyou are.
This place is awesome. Why aren't you inside?
Oh, we were in. We were on the inside.
- I didn't seeyou. - Oh, yeah, we waved atyou. But you were, uh—
- Dancing. - Excellent.
Uh, you were dancing. And then we went through this—
- Door. - Yes. We went through this door.
And we were locked out.
And then we had to get in the back of the line, so—
When you get back inside, find me.
- Go. Yeah. - Yeah.
- We'll meetyou on the inside. - Okay.
- You go. - Go.
- That was really smooth. - Smooth enough to get us in?
No.
Okay, that's it. You must take me in.
Why?
Because I feel the hot rhythm of disco burning in my loins.
Watch.
Okay, you're in.
So long, losers!
You're saying that this stuff won't come off?
Like even if I cry?
Man, that's great.
Oh, Michael, you are the best doll I have ever had.
You know what? I have the perfect gown for you.
All right, Jackie. Slow down.
Okay, wearing lipstick is one thing...
but a gown, that's kind offruity.
No, no, it's not, Michael.
Bowie wears dresses. Joe Namath wears panty hose.
Jackie, no.
- I'll be right back. - Jackie, I said, "No!"
All right, nothing too girlie. And I mean it!
Well, so much for your "He can't stop both ofus" theory.
This bites, man! He can't keep us out of there.
I mean, what— Did we wake up in Russia this morning?
No.
We did not, in fact, wake up in Russia this morning!
I didn't think so!
Hey, let me tell you something, pal. You're propping up a dying system, man.
'Cause, see, some day soon, people are gonna wake up...
and they're gonna realize that most of us don't fit intoyour...
Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal ofwhat's cool.
And when we do, we're gonna rise up.
We're gonna putyou on trial, then parade through the streets with your head on a stick!
Righteous political outrage. You're in.
All right. I'll seeya later, Forman.
Yeah, well...
when the revolution comes, man...
your back's gonna be up against the wall—
Damn it, let me in! My girlfriend's in there!
The foxy redhead? I thought that was your sister.
What does she see in you?
You know what she sees, buddy?
You know what she sees?
Well, let me tell you something. If she was the bouncer...
I'd be in that stupid club right now, you big ass.
Yeah, I said it.
Hi, honey.
Uh-oh.
- I didn't get the job. - Okay, well, you will get them next time.
Ah, Kitty...
the world's changin'.
Things aren't turning out the way I expected.
Well, Red, what did you expect?
Well, I don't know.
Take that, Hirohito. And that.
Yes, withAmerica's victory overseas now complete...
our fiighting boys return home...
where the American workingman...
takes his rightfiul place on the throne.
"Hi, honey. How was your day?"
"They gave me another raise. "
"Oh, honey. With all the moneyyou make...
it's no wonder I don't have to work. "
Daughter Laurie has a question.
"Daddy, why is the American economy the envy ofithe world?"
"Well, "says Dad...
"it's because the American worker is experienced...
Ioyal and hardworking. "
Looks like Junior has some good news.
"Say, Dad, you can stop giving me money now.
"I just got a fiootball scholarship to Notre Dame.
"I guess experience, loyalty...
and hard work really do pay off.. "
Daughter Laurie has another question.
"Daddy, can you tell me why Germany andJapan's economies never recovered?"
"It's simple.
They are not experienced.
"They are not hardworking.
"They are not loyal.
And they do not speak English. "
Speaking ofiwork, Mom has to go grocery shopping.
"Can I have the keys to the Cadillac?"
"Forget the Cadillac! Take the hovercraft. "
"Red, the hovercraft?"
The hovercraft?
What? They prom ised us hovercrafts.
I t's just another damn broken promise.
Okay. Cream. Two sugars.
Well, you just drink up and I'll just— I don't know— head inside.
- Yeah. No. - Oh, come on! You suck!
Mr. Big Shot Bouncer, Mr. I Open and Close the Rope...
Mr. Boatman on the River Styx.
Just— God, I bet you've never been excluded from anything in yourwhole life!
Hey, that's not fair! I've been excluded from lots of things.
Yeah, like what?
Oh, no, okay. Uh, when I was in kindergarten...
we used to play Duck, Duck, Goose...
and nobody ever picked me to be the goose.
Oh, wow. That must have really hurt.
I didn't care.
You didn't care? Uh-huh.
Soyou were just sitting there, watching this kid go around the circle.
Duck. Duck. Duck. He'd get closer and closer.
Duck. You'd be shaking with anticipation.
Duck. Maybe he'll pick me. Duck.
Maybe I'll get to run and laugh with the joy ofbeing the goose.
Then he'd come toyou, place his hand on your head, and say, "Duck."
- And you're telling meyou didn't care? - Yeah, it hurts.
Yes, it— Thank you! That's what I'm saying!
And now, you have made me...
the duck.
Wow.
Oh, man, I didn't realize.
Dance, goose, dance.
&&
Oh, God, Michael. In that dress, you are way prettier than Bowie.
Hell, I'm prettier than you.
That's not funny, Michael.
Did you just hear a car pull up?
Relax, Jackie, your parents aren't supposed to be home for, like, another hour.
Now, spin me.
- Hi, Daddy. - We're studying.
- No, no. Daddy, no! Daddy, I love him.
- Wow. What a night, right? - Oh, exactly.
Donna, why areyou with me?
Um, the bouncer wanted to know.
What'd you tell him?
You know, I couldn't think of a reason.
Hmm.
You know, come to think of it, I can't either.
What I need to do is find a guy who's like totally different from you.
Maybe big, and dumb, and, you know, not nice to me.
Oh, and no sense ofhumor, so when I tell a joke, he doesn't get it.
- I mean, that's a real turn on. - Okay, enough.
No, no, no, seriously, thank you.
I mean, if you hadn't pointed this out to me, I might have wasted years with you.
I mean, I almost had sex with you.
Whoo! Thank you.
Okay, I think the question has become, why am I with you?
Oh, right. Okay.
I had a great time. Good night.
&&
Yeah. Last night I was withJackie.
Tonight, I'll be with Laurie.
That's just the kind of life that a stud like me leads.
What?
Kelso, your mascara's running.
Damn!
She told me it was waterproof.