So, look at us. This is just like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Mom is serving breakfast, Daddy is reading the newspaper...
and brother Eric is trying to hide a big, purple, nasty hickey.
What... hickey? I don't have a hickey.
You know, Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.
For God's sakes, don't let Donna suckyour neck.
She's a nice girl.
I don't have a hickey. I was using a curling iron.
Oh, well, will you just look at that.
Oh! Mom!
- Red, remember that time— - No, and neither doyou.
Okay.
- So, um, Laurie, what's on the agenda today? - Agenda?
A list of goals or actions...
one might feel good about achieving so as to—
Eric, you tell her.
Mom, come on, relax. I'm still getting used to being back home.
Yeah. Flunking out of college can be draining. Whew!
- Eric. - Come on. That was so mild.
Laurie, all you do is sit around the house and watch television.
You should come down to the hospital and volunteer.
- She's right, Laurie. - Daddy!
You know, I think Eric needs an agenda. Look at his neck.
It's a birthmark! It's been there since birth.
Good morning, class.
- Good morning, orphan. - Good morning.
- That's all you got?
Whore.
Mom! He called me a whore.
Yeah.
Steven, honey, you are tooyoung for coffee. Have some juice.
Mrs. Forman, I need coffee.
Your son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey.
& Hangin'out&
& Down the street&
& The same old thing&
& We did last week&
& Not a thing to do &
& But talk toyou&
& We're all all right&
& We're all all right&&
Hello, Wisconsin!
Okay, whatever you do, Eric, do not wear a turtleneck to school.
Okay? It's a dead giveaway.
Yeah, I'd go with a decorative scarf.
Thank you.
Did you have to tell everyone about the hickey?
Well, everyone can kinda see it, Vampira.
Laurie had a field day at breakfast.
Yeah, I hopped on that dog pile too.
You sure did, you dill hole.
All right, Forman. Yeah, that was sorta mean.
Probablywhat I shoulda said is...
I'm sick ofsharing a room with you and all of your disgusting fluids and gases.
Oh, and yours are just dreamy, Hyde.
Excuse me. May I please have a hickey, please?
No.
- Please? - No!
- Jackie? - No!
- Please? - No!
So...
the two of you do things to please your man.
Well, Fez is a man.
Why doyou not please him?
Why?
Jackie, just give him a hickey.
- Okay, I'm going home. - Me too.
Gotta go shopping with my mom.
Suddenly it's really important that we be best friends.
- What happened? - She's been reading.
Reading. Damn it. When will they learn?
Finally. I thoughtJackie'd never leave.
Okay, Kelso, what areyou doing?
Oh, I need a sexy memento from Laurie.
I'm gonna commemorate our forbidden love...
with panties.
Fine. Just takeyour panties and go home.
Man, those are my mom's! Come on!
Okay, Forman, look, man. I'm not telling you how to liveyour life...
but ifsomeone touched my mom's panties—
Hyde, didn't... everyone touch your mom's panties?
Burn!
Man, that was a burn. You gotta—
Okay, Forman, I have a solution...
to this whole you-being-a-pain-in-my-ass, we-sharing-a-room thing.
You move out.
- Of my room? - Yeah.
Well, that's just not gonna happen.
Hey, fine, I'll move out, you big baby.
Still friends?
I need time to heal.
Okay, these are Laurie's, right?
Kelso, what, exactly, areyou gonna do with those panties?
Just... look at 'em.
Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes?
So, if you're doing it with Laurie, and she's perhaps wearing a hat...
it's kinda like you're doing it with Eric too!
Okay, bye.
&&
So, here we are...
together... again.
Yeah. I'm just loving the time we spend together, Donna.
In my new book, OurMothers, Ourselves...
it says we're supposed to be friends.
We should talk to each other and listen.
Your stupid father never listens.
Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
I don't know. I only read the first chapter.
Oh, okay. No more talking aboutyour father.
- So, how doyou like the clogs I boughtyou? - They're awesome.
Good! 'Causeyour father's an ass!
&&
Kelso tookyour underwear.
Aw! That's, like, the third pair!
Ehh!
Give me the remote control.
Give me a reason why I shouldn't set you on fire.
All right, Laurie, takeyour best shot.
Oh, Red, we talked about this. Let him go.
Hello, Laurie. I apologize for coming unannounced.
- But I— - Mom! Daddy!
This is Professor Stark. He was my art history teacher.
Well, actually, I was your psychology teacher.
Well, whatever you taught her, she flunked it.
Eric!
So, you're from the, uh, University ofWisconsin.
Areyou here to give me back my money?
Well, actually, I came here because of Laurie.
Oh! Yes. He came to see if the universitywould take me back.
Really? Oh, please! Here!
Have a seat! Ha! I'll make coffee and cake!
I'll make coffee cake and coffee!
Oh, gosh! Really, can you get her back into the university and out of my house?
Well, I'm going to try my darnedest.
Well, this is really good news.
This is the best news I've ever heard.
Yes, it is.
I wanna get Laurie back in school.
Professor, question.
How lame, exactly, is your student body...
if you're trying to get this dumb cow back—
- Eric! - Okay.
Don't be a smart-mouth.
We've got... company.
Yeah. Yeah. Go make coffee.
Don't scare him off. He's our only hope.
So, um...
maybe you could stay for dinner.
Why, yes, thank you. That would be lovely.
Oh, uh, and I believe these paint chips areyours.
Yeah.
Well, these are— are the color of our front door, aren't they?
Yeah. You hada paint chip hanging firomyourfiront door.
So I— I started to peel it, and I guess I got a little overzealous.
- Um, psychology, huh? - Yes, yes.
Human foibles fascinate me.
- Hey, Dad. - Where have you two been?
Mom bought me these clogs. Aren't they great?
Oh!
She boughtyou clogs. With my money.
So, officially, I bought you clogs.
No, Bob, I bought her the clogs.
Get in the car, Donna.
I'm gonna buy you something.
Uh, actually, Dad, I've got homework and—
Doyou loveyour daddy?
Yes. Let's go.
Looks likeyou're going shopping with the big ass!
I don't think so.
Eric, go to the store and get me three pounds of ground beef, lean.
Mom, look, beforeyou go and blow 20 more cents a pound on ground beef...
this guy is not gonna get Laurie back into college.
She is stupid and evil.
Mostly stupid.
Eric, she is not stupid.
She's just— She has... special—
Just go.
Hyde!
Oh, honey, justshare the room with Eric!
No, thank you. I'm fine.
Ohh!
Busted!
- No way! - Yep.
Laurie and her professor tonguing in the garage like hungry dogs. It was disgusting.
No. No, you see, because Laurie wouldn't just make out with some old guy.
Shewouldn't do that!
No, it's true, man.
I was in the upstairs closet trying out my cot, and I saw 'em.
Itwas like live porno.
But not good porno, 'cause he's, like, really old.
It was like old, bad porno.
Michael, why do you care if Laurie kisses the professor?
Yeah, Kelso. Why do you care?
Well...
because.
You see, it's wrong for an old person...
to make out with an innocent, young student.
God, you're noble.
Innocent?
Okay, Eric, no offense...
but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Eric, areyou gonna let her say that aboutyour sister?
Sure.
Hey, Forman...
did you realize that there's a room back here, man?
And it barely stinks!
Perfect!
You can sit back there, beneath your bare bulb, writing angry letters to the government.
Oh, don't think I won't!
You see what's beautiful here, people?
I fiinally have something on Laurie.
I own her! Oh, yeah! She is so screwed!
All right, just be nice.
Look. Did everyone see my hickey?
Somebody loves me.
Moron, you gave that to yourself.
It's still wet.
Oh, no, I did not.
Somebody loves me.
There is a lady love.
There is!
So, you like the shirt I bought you?
It's very nice.
I wasn't sure, becauseyou didn't put it on in the store...
Iikeyou did with the clogs.
I knew it. You hate the shirt.
- Nice digs, huh? - It's perfect.
This is the room where we put all that crap we just can't throw away.
Likeyou.
Forman, is it just me, or doyour mom and dad like me a lot better than they likeyou?
See, I kid, butyou hurt.
Boys! Dinner!
All right, man. You ready to make Laurie squeal like the family pig?
Ohh... yes.
You're gonna punk out, aren'tyou?
Well, it is my nature.
Look, Forman...
you've always been the runt of the litter.
This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass.
So my advice toyou is...
bite the big dog on the ass.
Okay, what if I let her off with a warning? You know?
Just this one time.
Well, that would be the mature choice.
But not evil!
You gotta think evil, man!
Where would we be without the A-bomb?
- Well, actually, the warwas all but won when— - Shut up!
Okay, now, let's review.
Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed.
Daddy, Eric snuck out last night.
Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer.
Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate, so I flunked out of college!
Daddy, Eric used all my hand lotion.
Okay, that bitch is dead.
So, um, this news about Laurie leaving...
it's just a little ray of sunshine.
Well, I just wish that more teachers cared about their students likeyou do.
I think it all started going downhill when you couldn't paddle the kids anymore.
Pansy-ass Supreme Court.
- Shut up. - Okay.
Hey, Forman? He who hesitates is boned.
Laurie is one of the most gifted young women in my class.
I've always enjoyed having her.
I own you.
- Is there something wrong with the bread? - No. Why?
Oh. Laurie.
I know something...
thatyou don't know that I know.
You know?
Yes, yes.
Tell us, Forman, so that we can all know.
You don't know anything.
And if you do know something, I will makeyou sorryyou were ever born.
For your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born.
Eric!
See?
So, what does she need to do to get back into school?
Well, she'll have to workwith me.
Make a commitment to school.
She'll really have to buckle down.
What doyou think, Laurie? Areyou willing to give it a go?
Oh, Mother, she's verywilling.
You know, Dad, Ijustsaw the most interesting thing today...
in the garage.
Burst into flames!
It was just— It was so surprising.
Oh! Eric, do tell.
I saw Laurie—
I'm in love with your daughter.
- Dad— - That's it! Come here!
- Did you two have fun? - A blast.
Oh, Donna, that shirtyour father boughtyou makes you look so fat.
Yeah? Well, those clogs makeyou look like a duck.
Okay, you know what? Both you guys really need to shut up.
I'm so sick ofhearing you fight.
Doyou even know what you're fighting about?
Well, I know she started it!
I only got mad 'cause I knew you were gonna get mad.
All right, okay. You know what? Whatever.
Just no more fighting with each other through me. Got it?
Although I would likeyou to continue buying me things. I mean, thank you.
&She likes the shirt better &
- You're an ass, Bob. - Ooh! Good comeback! Ooh!
- Oooh!
Mr. Forman, I reallywanna get Laurie back in school.
Oh, for God's sake, Laurie! The man's in love with you, and you still couldn't pass?
So?
So I guess I disappointed you, Daddy.
I'm really sorry.
I just wish he wouldn't have taken advantage of me and my love for education!
That is just so weak.
Well...
I guess you're not the first student to be taken advantage ofby a teacher.
Whereyou going with that, Dad?
Just try not to be too hard on yourself.
No. No!
No!
And the really sad thing is...
Eric saw him kiss me today...
and he didn't even try to stop him!
'Cause she wanted it!
You knew about this, and you didn't do anything?
She's your sister!
Yeah... Eric. Why?
I'll deal with you later, Eric.
Come on, Laurie.
I'll makeyou a cup of coffee and...
explain toyou the nature of men—
something I thoughtyou already knew, but apparentlyyou don't.
Oh, Eric. I forgiveyou.
Well, this is unforgivable.
In fact, you suck!
I'll be in my room.
Oh, Mom.
Oh, my God, Mom.
I had her in my sights.
I mean, she was right in the crosshairs.
Oh, honey.
You know I loveyou and your sister equally.
But if you ever get an opportunity again...
for God's sake, pull the trigger.
I'm gonna tell you something, Laurie.
If you slept with that professor, it's over between you and me.
Kelso, I slept with him a thousand times.
Why mustyou hurt me?
Shut up.
Hey! Hey! Get out!
Get out! I hate you both!
Go home, Fez.