Hey, Dad, can I go to Vanstock with the guys this weekend?
What the hell's a Vanstock?
Well, it's like Woodstock but with a greater emphasis on vans.
Sounds stupid.
Have a good time.
Oh, then, Daddy, since Eric is going out oftown, can I have his car?
Why? Where areyou going?
Excuse me. I was talking to Daddy.
I know. Where areyou going?
- Frat party. - Frat party? No.
- But, Daddy— - Look, honey, it's up to Eric.
Really?
Well, I mean, I guess— No!
Well, that's settled then. Red, what are you gonna do today?
Ah, read the want ads, look for a job.
Then, just to break up the day, I thought I'd go down to Rexall...
look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot.
Any more questions?
Well, oh, boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look forward to.
Oh, right. Well, then, screw the Gold Bond.
I gotta get my hair done.
Honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad.
And ifit is, I can always giveyou a shot of Demerol.
You have Demerol?
I mean, what's-what's Demerol?
& Hangin'out&
& Down the street&
& The same old thing&
& We did last week&
& Not a thing to do &
& But talk toyou&
& We're all all right&
& We're all all right &&
Hello, Wisconsin!
So, Donna and I are all set for Vanstock.
Whoa! No, Donna can't come with us.
- Why not? - Well, it's kinda complicated.
- Hey, Kelso.
So what time are we leaving forVanstock?
- No. - Yeah.
- No! - Yeah!
- No!
I guess you should have given meyour car, Eric. Now I'll be with you and Kelso all weekend.
- How could you ask Laurie? - Jackie didn't want to go.
What choice did I have?
- Oh, man! - See? Nowyou see my problem.
Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her.
And if Donna goes, she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie.
Therefore, Donna can't go.
Or... you could just not make out with my sister.
Be serious, Eric.
Okay, look. Donna's coming, and ifthat blows yourweekend, then, too bad.
Fine! But, you know what? You're makin' cheatin' a lot harder than it has to be.
&&
Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time.
So now it's likeyou're Kitty.
Don't you have a TV at home?
It's too big.
I have to turn my head to see who's talking.
It hurts my neck.
Ooh, shh, shh! It's starting. Okay, that's Heather.
She's carrying Jeff's baby, onlyJeffis in intensive care.
He's got a bullet in his brain.
Isn't he the lucky bastard.
Donna, check it out. I've been working on this all morning, and I'm pretty proud.
I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one.
Look, uh, throwyour stuffin the back. I'm gonna go get some snacks for the road.
Okay.
Oh, hi, Donna.
So, that's the carpet.
I was just showing Laurie the carpet.
- I need help with my stuff. - I'm gonna give her some help with her stuff.
Well, I hopeyou like tuna fish sandwiches, 'cause that's all we got.
I just saw Kelso and your sister making out in the van.
Oh, no. That's, uh—
- Did you know about this? - Did I— Uh, no, no. I didn't know about this.
Hey, Hyde. Donna just saw Kelso and Laurie making out.
So?
Aren'tyou shocked? I'm shocked, for one, to have learned about this.
Hey, guys. I decided to go.
I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.
That would be fun.
Um, Jackie, beforeyou surprise Kelso, there's something going on thatyou should know.
What?
You know, Vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy.
And, you know, there's a good chance there'll be some Canadians there.
Eww!
No, no, Jackie, you should go. You can't let the Canadians win.
Fez, put my stuffin the back.
- Hey, Jackie, you know what would be the perfect surprise for Kelso?
We'll pull the curtains, and you hide in the backwith us.
And at some point, you jump up front and yell, "Surprise!"
Oh, my God. That is perfect!
Now hop in the van before Kelso sees you. Hurry up.
Oh, this may be the best road trip ever.
&&
So, you wanna shift?
- It's an automatic. - I know.
- Surprise!
Brad, how could you sleep with mywife? You're my brother.
I'm notyour brother, and I'm not Brad.
Holy cow!
I didn't see that comin'.
Wait'll Rachel finds out.
But Rachel's about to dump Brad forJeff.
No, Jeff's in a coma.
Oh, come on, Midge. She can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kind of love is that?
Look at this. Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso.
And what does Kelso bring? Anotherwoman.
Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff. It's kinda creepy.
So, how long doyou think this whole thing has been going on?
Whoo! I— You know, I don't know. That's anyone's guess. Right, Fez?
- What? - Kelso and Laurie! See? Ha!
Fez doesn't even know. I don't know. I gue— You know, it's just— It's, like—
God, this is so wrong, you know?
So, what are we gonna do?
I guess just let this all blow over. Then Jackie and Kelso can get married...
have kids and be really unhappy.
So, let's not let this ruin ourVanstock experience, okay?
Look at this— bubble gum Lip Smacker. What a waste.
So, you kids havin' fun? Nothin' like a road trip to get to know each other.
Yeah, right.
Like Jackie and Laurie. They don't really know each other...
and yet, they have so much in common.
Like what?
Oh, well, you both have really neat hair.
He's right. I loveyour hair. What doyou use?
Hot rollers.
So do I! I hate styling wands.
- So do I!
See? You two keep talking. There may be plenty of other things thatyou have in common.
No!
No talking. It makes the driver nervous.
So, just, everybody, not talk!
Okay. Let's just sing songs.
Who knows the words to Three's Company?
- I do! - I do! - No singing!
- & Come and knock on our door & & Come and knock on our door &
- &We've been waitin' for you & - &We've been waitin' for you &
&Where the kisses are hers and hers and his &
&Three's company too &&
- Wow, man, Vanstock. It's exactly how I pictured it.
Has anyone seen my top? I lost my top.
Actually, it's even better than I pictured it.
Do not take the blue acid!
If you have taken the blue acid...
please report to the Red Cross tent!
Look at this debauchery.
This is the smelly underside of a once-great nation.
Ooh, yum, candy apples!
Hey, man, what doyou saywe help that chick find her top?
Nah, I gotta stay here with the old balls and chains.
You know, Kelso...
did you ever think about being honest with them?
Maybe theywon't be mad.
Maybe they'll like the idea ofsharing you.
Man, that'd be great, huh? You think they'd go for that?
'Cause that's been, li—
Oh, ho-ho, no! You're trying to set me up, Hyde.
You'll never know if you don't try, man.
Areyou serious? Be serious, 'cause this is serious.
This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid and saw The Parent Trap.
- Thereyou go. - Okay, we're heading off to the restroom.
Okay.
Oh, man, they're going to the restroom? You know what girls do in the restroom, right?
Oh, I like to pretend like they don't do that.
- Not that, man. They talk. - So?
- To each other! - Oh, my God.
Girls, wait up!
What a maroon.
Red, this is Dr. Browning and Dr. Cloke.
Soyou're Kitty's husband, eh? She's a little spitfire.
We couldn't run the ward without her.
Ohh! Ha! Well, you could, but everyone would die.
Uh, so, Red, uh, what doyou do?
About what?
Um, uh, Red used to be in management at the auto parts plant.
Oh, that's great. Uh, what doyou do now?
About what?
Oh, my gosh, Red. Look, they have an open bar!
No, he's not his brother. He's not even Brad!
- But he looks just like him. - That's the point.
You know, I don't understand whyyou watch if you're not gonna pay attention.
I'm sorry about Red. He's just— He's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.
- Kitty, it's fine. - I know, everything's fine.
He just, um, he-he sits around, and he mopes all day.
He-He once told me that ifhe ever started watching soaps, I should shoot him.
And I gotta tell ya, I am gosh-darn tempted.
Well, you know, when mywife is upset, I do something extra special for her...
like surprise her with some candy.
- Does Red have a sweet tooth? - Um, no.
No, more of a beer tooth.
Oh, for God's sakes!
You're a nurse, and you can't love a guy in a coma?
What the hell kind of a hospital is this?
Wow, look at the stars.
Yeah.
Your sister's kind of a slut.
I noticed that.
How is it that she turned out so awful, and you turned out so nice?
Oh, well...
you see—
Okay, Donna, there's something you should know.
Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
It's nice to laugh, isn't it?
'Cause I kinda knew about Kelso and Laurie all along and didn't tell you.
Excuse me?
Which was wrong. But now I'm being honest, which is right. Right?
- Get out of this bag. - No, wait, Donna, just please listen—
Fine, I'll get out.
Oh, this is the worst Vanstock ever.
[Man ] Andnow, another episode ofiPoint Place.
&&
My God, Kitty.
What have I become?
I don't know.
You're not the man I married.
And I'm not Kitty.
What are you saying?
I am Kitty...
but I am leaving you for Dr. Cloke.
Or should I say...
Eric's real father.
But why?
He has a job.
What do you have, Red Forman? What... do... you... have?
I've got nothing.
Dear God, will I everwork again?
Okay, I'm back.
So, penny for your thoughts.
Well, one thing I'm thinkin'...
I gotta stop watching the soaps.
Well, I think that is a good idea. Huh!
So, listen, um, I broughtyou home a special, little treat.
Ohh!
Ahh!
Hey, that's a nice beer.
Yes, it is.
What's the occasion?
It's, um, to celebrateyour new job.
But, Kitty, I didn't get a job.
Notyet, but I knowyou will.
Thanks, sweetie.
Ahh.
I tell you one thing—
I bet I get a job beforeJeff gets out of that coma.
Hey. How's it going?
Well, uh, I found the top. Just lost the girl.
Bummer.
Yeah. So what areyou doing up?
Punishing Eric. He knew all about Kelso and Laurie. Didn't even tell me.
What a bastard.
Oh, likeyou didn't know.
Of course, I knew. Everybody knew. You're the only one who didn't know.
Shut up, Hyde. I'm mad at him.
Look, you don't rat on your friends, and that's just the way it is.
Now, I'm laying traps left and right to try and get Kelso caught...
but I'm not gonna tell on him, 'cause then I'd be a rat.
- And that's what Forman would have been ifhe had told you. - He still should have told me.
Give him a break, Donna. I mean, the guy kisses your ass.
He does everything for you, and you're not even sleeping with him.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
- You're lucky he even talks toyou. - Uh!
In fact, I would have dumped you months ago. But, you know, I'm old-fashioned, so—
- Okay, Hyde, thanks for the heart-to-heart. - Ah, get bent.
All right.
Well, I'm off to find the jugs that fit this top—
like Cinderella.
Excuse me, miss?
- Yeah, who is it? - It's me.
Hey, Jackie, Laurie...
Fez.
Good evening, Michael.
Well, aren't we all cozy? So, where am I gonna sleep?
Uh, gee, Kelso, I don't think there's any room.
- But it's myvan. - I can sleep with you anytime.
- Tonight I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie.
Then why does he get to stay?
Well, I'm not a girl, but I do enjoythe girl talk.
Get out ofthevan, Fez!
No, be nice to Fez. Go away, Michael. Shut the door.
&&
Hey, move over.
- Ohh. - You're not mad at me anymore?
Nope.
So, what are you thinking?
That Kelso's an idiot, and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.
Yes, exactly.
And you know what else?
You're, like, a really great boyfriend.
All right!
Whoa! All right! Thank God I found you guys. I'm freezing.
- Scoot over. - What? Kelso! No!
Wow, this is a roomy bag, huh?
- Sorry if I'm a little wet. - What the hell is that smell?
Oh, I found these two dogs, and we started wrestlin'.
Theywere so cool. All right, good night.
- No, Kelso, get out! Get out! - Kelso!
- You smell like a dog! - You smell. Get out.
Well, where am I supposed to sleep?
- No one cares! - Who cares?
Fine!
Okay, this is nice.
Will Redget a job? WillJackie everfiindout about Kelso and Laurie?
Will we everfiind out where Fez is firom? Will Hyde ever fiind his topless Cinderella?
And whatever happened to Midge's daughter, Tina?
Will Eric and Donna ever consummate their illicit teenage love?
And what about Chuck and Bob? Oh, wait, they aren't on this show.
See, I told you we weren't on this show.
- Oh, shut up, Bob. - Yeah.
Confiused? You won't be after the next episode ofi...
That '70s Show.