Oh, man! Where the hell is Eric?
- I gotta get outta here beforeJackie finds me. - What'd you do now?
Oh, she's mad 'cause I didn't say "Loveyou" after lunch.
I say it all day long. After gym, "Loveyou, Jackie."
After algebra, "Loveyou, Jackie."
After I say "Loveyou, Jackie," I say "Love you, Jackie."
It sickens me.
Hey, man, check it out. Foggywindows.
Bummer. Someone must've left their hot lunch in the car.
No, you idiot. Someone's in there makin' out, man.
- Patty. - Hyde! Hey, howya doin'?
Super.
Okay, well, yeah. Seeyou.
- Hey, didn'tyou go out with that girl? - I don't think so.
Yeah, that's the girl that dogged you on that blind date.
Kelso, who cares? Hey, let's see what loser she ended up with.
Yeah.
Hello.
Burn!
Hey, man, that's a burn.
& Hangin'out&
& Down the street&
& The same old thing&
& We did last week&
& Not a thing to do &
& But talk toyou&
& We're all all right&
& We're all all right &&
Hello, Wisconsin!
Eric, honey, I was thinking maybe tomorrow night...
we could go shopping, just the two of us.
Why?
Well, because we need to get you some new shoes and underwear.
Kitty, we bought him shoes lastyear.
Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.
Oh, no, you cannot.
The last timeyou went, you bought them too snug, and I want grandchildren.
Yeah, well, I have to— Bye.
You know, he used to love going shopping with me.
- Look, Kitty, he's 16. - Seventeen.
Whatever. The point is that when a boy hits that age...
they don't want to spend time with their mother.
And ifthey do, they're weird.
It's not a big deal.
Well, it is a big deal to me, Red Forman!
It is a big deal!
Okay.
Well, I just— I justwish sometimes hewould want to spend timewith me.
Well, force him. It doesn't matterwhat hewants.
As long as we're paying his way, we own him.
- Fez has a girlfriend? Our little Fez? - Mm-hmm.
You're kidding?
I mean, good.
God, he was so in love with me, it was getting embarrassing.
Right.
So, anyways, you guys, how doyou know when you need new underwear?
Uh, if you're asking, you need new underwear.
Oh, good. People are here.
I want you to meet my girlfiriend, Patty.
This is Eric. Eric, this is my girlfiriend.
This is Donna. Donna, this is my girlfiriend.
- So you guys are just friends? - No, Donna—
Fez, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- How's it going, Patty? - Good.
I have to be honest with you people. Patty and I were just outside making out.
Because Patty's my girlfiriend.
Hi. I'm Jackie. I'm sure Fez has told you all about me.
Um, no, no. Your name never came up.
What? Well, whatever.
Okay, isn't this pleasant, huh?
Um, Patty, have a seat.
Fez, she's lovely. I'm impressed.
Um, Jackie, I'm a little busy right now, okay? Thank you.
So, Hyde, uh, what's with Fez and that girl?
- Did you really go out with her? - Yeah, no biggie.
She sucked anyway. He can have her.
So Fez has a girlfriend?
Still, I mean, what's that about?
Fez snagging a girl away from you?
I... never thought I'd see the day.
- So what's she like? - It's just so TwilightZone. I mean, to see Fez—
Eric, your mother asked you a question about the foreign kid.
- What? Oh... what? - No. N-Never mind.
Okay, that's it. Eric, you're gonna spend some time with your mother.
What'd I do?
Red, don't make it sound like a punishment.
- Well, it is. - Red!
You can look at it anywayyou want, but it's gonna happen, damn it.
Wait, wait. Is this because I didn't want to go shopping with Mom?
You don'twant to go shopping with your mom?
Boy, I tell you— If I had a mom...
I would go shopping with her every single day...
because no one loves you likeyour mom.
That's true.
Eric, honey, we don't have to go shopping.
We could go see a movie. It'll be like a little date.
No, no, shopping's great. You know, I— I need new underwear, so—
I think a date is a great idea.
Hey, you guys should go see Annie Hall. I think you'd just love it, Mrs. Forman.
- See? Steven's helping out. - Thank you, Steven.
Now, Annie Hall. I would like to see that movie.
- Eric's just dying to see that movie. - But I don't—
Just dyin'!
Um, I guess Fez really got me with all of the poems he left in my locker.
Oh, that is so romantic.
Doesn't Kelso writeyou poems?
No, no. But he's not foreign.
Hey, can we talk about something interesting? Like... Donny Osmond?
Hey, you guys! The Eagles are on Don Kirshner's Rock Concert tonight.
Oh, man, I'm gonna miss the Eagles because I gotta— I gotta—
I'm busy.
Do we have a date tonight?
No. I wish.
I'm going to a movie.
With my mom.
He's got a special night out with Mommy.
Hey, maybeyou'll get lucky.
And your mom will pay for the movie!
God, you people are sick.
Patty, you know, we should really go to the mall together, so I can introduceyou to—
- Areyou ready, darling? - Excuse me, Fez. I was talking.
Oh, I know, Jackie. You are always talking.
- Burn!
Sorry. I just appreciate a good burn.
So, where are you guys going?
Um, we are going to the Red Lobster...
for a romantic dinner of red lobster.
I'll seeyou guys later.
- Okay, I don't like her.
I don't see whywe have to be nice to herjust because she's dating someone in our group.
Bites the big one, doesn't it?
Well, I gotta go to work.
God, am I right, Donna? Don't you hate her?
Not really, Jackie. I kind oflike her.
Hey, what was that for?
That's for not writing me poems, Michael.
L-Loveyou, Jackie.
- Leo, did you takeyour turn yet, man? - No, man.
I-I can't decide between college or a career.
Well, we can't start until you decide.
So choose, man, or I'll start working.
Hey, don't rush me, man. This decision is gonna affect the rest of my life.
Go to college.
Okay.
Hey, but what ifthose frat guys make fun of my hair...
and beat me up like— like fascists and stuff?
Well, then just start a career.
I can't let those frat guys get awaywith it, man.
Leo, man, it's just a game.
Yeah, life is hard.
Well, now see? I didn't know thatyou liked green peppers.
When did that happen?
August 5, 1972.
I mean— I mean, doyou like green peppers?
Why, yes, I do. Very much.
- So, how's Donna? - What? We haven't done anything yet. What?
Relax. I am not here to grill you about your life, Eric.
But, you know, young adults do have a responsibility—
Mom, please!
Honey, you may not realize it right now...
but I'm actually doing you a giant favor by making you spend time with me.
Well... thank you.
No, no, no. I mean it.
Boys who reject their mothers grow up to have huge problems.
You will hateyourself...
and every relationshipyou have with a woman will just be a mess.
So, if you don't spend time with me now, you may never have sex.
I'm teasing... a little.
Uh-huh. Hey!
Look how far Florence is from... Venice.
Eric, honey, I just—
I just wanted to spend a little time alone with you outside of the house.
That's all.
Mom, it's fine. In fact, you know what? This is great.
Hmm.
Hey, Forman's out on a date with his mom!
Forman and his mom! Forman and his mom!
My goodness, that Woody Allen is neurotic.
Well, if I lived in NewYork, I'd be in therapytoo. The streets are filthy.
Whoa! Diane Keaton is not wearing a bra.
Okay, don't letyour mom seeyou look.
But I have to look. I'm looking.
I'm looking, and I don't care!
Oh, please!
He expects her to make love while he's wearing those black socks?
Note to self: Throw away all black socks.
Mah-jongg? What the hell is mah-jongg?
Okay. "An aspirin the size of a brick."
Now that is funny.
Finally, a scene without sex.
Oh, great. Drugs. Thank you, Woody Allen.
Huh. I guess cocaine is expensive.
"I'm finally getting the feeling back in myjaw"?
I don't get that. I mean, hewas just in bed with her and—
Oh, okay. I see.
Oh, God, I hope my mom doesn't get that.
Oh, I wonder if Eric gets that.
Well, I am not gonna explain it to him.
So now Patty's seein' Fez, and I just don't get it.
'Cause she could've had me. I'm a real catch, man.
All right! I had twins, man!
Oh, look. They're so beautiful.
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
Hey, I don't want to be competitive or anything, man, but...
I've got two kids, and you don't have any.
You're just a lonely plumber, dude.
It wouldn't be so bad, but it's Fez.
I taught him everything he knows.
It's all backwards, man.
I guess you just can't dwell on things, man.
Yeah, maybe I should just be happy for Fez.
I mean, this is the first time in his whole life that he's ever had a girl, you know?
Well, you know, a while back I picked up a card, you know...
and I had a car accident...
and, uh, I was dwelling on that, man.
I'm sorry. What wereyou talking about?
Maybe I should get back to work.
If you get back to work, you're fired, man.
Hey, I got twins again, man!
Just admit it, Donna. Patty is totallywrong for Fez.
Wow, Jackie. I've never seen you quite this transparent before.
What areyou talking about?
"She's so awful, Donna.
"Let's hate her forever, Donna.
Let's shave her head and run her out oftown, Donna."
Focus, Donna. We're ragging on Patty, remember?
Jackie, did you ever think that maybe you hate Patty because you like Fez?
Oh, you are in dangerous territory, Pinciotti.
No, I mean, it's true. You hate seeing Fez drool over someone other than you.
- You're crazy. I don't like Fez. - I think you do.
Oh, shut up.
Jackie, you're blushing.
Ow!
I'll admit that, uh, Fez would be okay for a quick fling...
if I was off on a vacation with my parents, like in Michigan or Cuba.
Where no onewould ever find out. Ever, ever, ever.
& Fez and Jackie sitting in a tree &
Mr. And Mrs. Fez—
Fez.
Donna, please, please shut up.
Jackie, you are so totally hot for him. I can see it in your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I like Fez!
No!
&&
Well, boy, wasn't that fun, seeing all those sex scenes with your mother?
- Oh, it was super sexy.
I'm so glad we could enjoy that together. Really, I am.
So I guess women in New York don't wear bras.
I— It's disgusting.
And we should move there immediately.
Well, I don't know about you, but I've seen enough nipples for one day.
- Mom! - What?
I don't everwant to hear you say "nipples," okay?
Why not? Men have nipples.
- Your father has nipples. - No, he does not!
Okay.
So, what was your favorite part of the movie?
I don't want to tell you.
Oh, come on.
Okay, um, Diane Keaton's nipples.
Okay, pay me.
Leo, I gotta help the customer, man. I think he's gonna drive away.
- Oh, let him go. I don't need his stinkin' photo money.
I'm a doctor.
Okay, man, you know what? That's it. This game is over.
This is not life. This is life.
Yeah, but this life is so much better than this life, man.
In the— In the game, I got kids, man.
In real life, my kids split on me.
- Really, man? - Yeah.
My parents split on me.
Oh, wow. Now we found each other.
Hey, doyou want to be my father?
Sure.
Okay, go ahead. Spin, Dad.
I got a 10!
Well, maybe mah-jongg is a type offood.
You could be right. It's probably Chinese noodles.
Yes.
Hey, you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Yeah, I'd love to.
Very cool. Good night, Mom.
Oh, what'd he do?
I swear I'll kick his ass.
No, he was just— He was absolutelywonderful.
Oh.
Okay.
- Okay.
Is something wrong?
No. Why?
I don't know. It's justyou— You seem very removed.
- No, I'm fine. - Are you sure?
Uh-huh.
I— You know, maybe it's me, but you do. You seem very removed.
Eric, have you seen my geometry book?
'Cause while the two of you are doing that, I'm gonna do some homework.
See? This is what I call being removed.
Donna, when we're making out, you're not thinking about, like...
geometry and stuff, areyou?
Never. Unless I have a test the next day.
I think you're just the sweetest thing in the world to go out with your mom.
Thank you.
- So, did Mommy buy you new underpants? - Okay.
- Did Mommy buy you new underpants? - Get off me.
Oh, let me see the underpants. Let me see the underpants.
- B-3. - Hit.
Damn! You sank my battleship.
You know, a well-maintained fleet...
is the backbone of any military structure.
And with your floating arsenal depleted...
your troops are likely to suffer some serious collateral damage.
Huh.
Wow. Hey, you know what, man?
I think I might've been in the navy.