1 00:00:12,057 --> 00:00:17,231 Hey, check it out guys, it's sergeant Crossin Guard. 2 00:00:18,791 --> 00:00:21,502 Rough day at the crosswalk sarge? 3 00:00:21,676 --> 00:00:25,982 I'm not a crossing guard, Hyde. I'm a police officer in training. Read the badge. 4 00:00:26,150 --> 00:00:30,029 You mean your paper name tag? 5 00:00:30,207 --> 00:00:35,977 No, I mean my badge. This civilazes all the autority in the Point Place police department. 6 00:00:36,145 --> 00:00:38,690 Oh, how'd it get ripped? 7 00:00:41,163 --> 00:00:43,411 Hey, your first case. 8 00:00:44,551 --> 00:00:50,987 Get this tomarrow I get to go on a ride along in a real police car. I can see all the crimes that happens. 9 00:00:51,158 --> 00:00:54,537 Yeah, this town is a hot pit for a criminal activity. 10 00:00:54,713 --> 00:00:58,769 Hey lets not forget the great ten speed robery of '74. 11 00:00:58,937 --> 00:01:03,528 Yeah or that criminal mastermind who stole my moms carton gnome. 12 00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:11,136 Guys I have very exciting news. I'm in a mentor program for little girls, kinda of like a big sister thing. 13 00:01:11,315 --> 00:01:14,491 And there's someone here who is very anxious to meet you. 14 00:01:14,661 --> 00:01:16,409 Come here. 15 00:01:17,714 --> 00:01:21,556 Isn't she cute? I call her Little Jackie. 16 00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:27,912 For the last freaking time, my name is Colette. 17 00:01:28,085 --> 00:01:31,546 Try to like her, she's just a little mouthy. 18 00:01:31,724 --> 00:01:33,388 Jackie, why would you be a big sister? 19 00:01:33,564 --> 00:01:38,619 Oh, it's a community service project foe school. It was either this or helping out at the senior center. 20 00:01:38,791 --> 00:01:42,169 And you know how grey hair gives me nightmares. 21 00:01:42,345 --> 00:01:45,604 Can I leave now? There's nothing to do. 22 00:01:46,611 --> 00:01:49,704 Here. Take theese pictures of me and put them in order of cuteness. 23 00:01:49,873 --> 00:01:54,595 From "very cute" to "it's just not fair she's so cute". 24 00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:58,560 Lame, lamer, lamest. 25 00:01:59,575 --> 00:02:01,823 I like her. 26 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:05,461 Yeah, me too. - She's feisty. 27 00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:09,349 Nice name tag. Are you a garbage man? 28 00:02:11,912 --> 00:02:14,624 It's a badge! 29 00:02:54,777 --> 00:02:57,870 Get away from me. - I bet that's the first time you told that to a man. 30 00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:01,631 Don't you walk out that door! 31 00:03:02,555 --> 00:03:06,313 What the hell was that all about? - Oh, they've been fighting like that all morning. 32 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:10,364 Sometimes he even yells at her in his native language. 33 00:03:10,543 --> 00:03:15,217 I belive the main idea is, she gets around. 34 00:03:15,394 --> 00:03:19,236 Ahh, to be young and trapped in a lovely scheme of a marriage. 35 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:24,962 Kitty, where's the coffee? - Oh, I'm sorry. I almost forgot. 36 00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:34,462 Since no one fixed my sink yet, today instead of coffee we're having pipe sludge. 37 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,844 You know the doctor told me not to do household chores. 38 00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:43,196 It's either a working sink or a dead husband, it's your choice. 39 00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:48,211 Well Red somebody's gotta do something around here, the garage needs to be painted, the lawn mower won't start... 40 00:03:48,389 --> 00:03:52,944 and I'm getting tired of running to the hose everytime I need bourbon and water. 41 00:03:54,369 --> 00:03:56,784 Fine, fine we'll let Eric do it. 42 00:03:56,962 --> 00:04:00,886 Maybe if I supervise him he'll only screw up half as much. 43 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:04,235 Yeah, thanks dad, you know what I got it. 44 00:04:04,406 --> 00:04:09,164 Yeah, this from the kid who gets sweaty when he needs to change out toilet paper. 45 00:04:10,595 --> 00:04:15,150 Don't you walk back in to that house! 46 00:04:23,141 --> 00:04:27,862 Officer Kennedy, I want you to know even though it's my first ride along... 47 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:31,709 I'm not afraid to kill a man. 48 00:04:31,881 --> 00:04:37,982 I just don't want to touch him after he's dead. - Shut it cadet. Here take care of the radio. 49 00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:41,449 Oh cool, we each get our own walkie talkies. 50 00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:47,013 I'd like a pepperoni pizza. Holland Assdown Central. 51 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:51,612 Hey, hey if you wanna play games, go join the highway patrol. 52 00:04:51,787 --> 00:04:57,044 Unit 10, we've got a 415 in progress. - Cool. What's a 415? 53 00:04:57,224 --> 00:05:00,816 Why don't you look in your manual. 54 00:05:02,284 --> 00:05:06,423 A kenin deficating on a private property. 55 00:05:06,592 --> 00:05:11,812 Oh cool, it's a dog crapping on a lawn. Gun it. 56 00:05:11,986 --> 00:05:17,707 A 415 is a domestic disturbance you chowderhead. 57 00:05:20,141 --> 00:05:23,899 Dammit, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs. 58 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:32,015 I want you out. Out I say - It's my house. 59 00:05:32,185 --> 00:05:35,646 Oh really, because you didn't sleep here last night. 60 00:05:35,823 --> 00:05:40,545 Or the night before that. Or the night before that. 61 00:05:41,260 --> 00:05:44,970 To be fair Fez, her army buddies only got a 3 day pass. 62 00:05:46,362 --> 00:05:49,621 Listen to me... - Quiet down, the neighbours are staring. 63 00:05:49,790 --> 00:05:55,095 Don't mind us. Just practising for a show 64 00:05:55,269 --> 00:05:57,731 Take a bow and get in the house. 65 00:05:58,949 --> 00:06:02,410 Wow, it's a 50. I need to go hide my stash... 66 00:06:04,302 --> 00:06:08,262 of comic books. I'm a comic book paraphernalian. 67 00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:15,249 What seems to be the problem here? 68 00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,840 Put that down. - Put that down. 69 00:06:18,019 --> 00:06:21,611 No, put that down. - Put what down? 70 00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:30,804 What seems to be the problem here? - I'll tell you what the problem is. I am married to a whore. 71 00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:36,330 I am not a whore. 72 00:06:36,503 --> 00:06:39,596 I'm just a girl who likes a good time. 73 00:06:39,764 --> 00:06:43,309 I'm sorry. I can't imagine who would've called the police. 74 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:46,580 It's about time you showed up. 75 00:06:46,748 --> 00:06:50,627 These two are making so much noise I couldn't enjoyed my programme. 76 00:06:50,805 --> 00:06:53,303 Bob, you really had to call the police? 77 00:06:53,482 --> 00:06:59,286 Sorry Kitty, but how am I suposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes? 78 00:07:00,716 --> 00:07:06,770 Okay. Well, this kid seems to be harmless but since you're training why don't you frisk him anyway. 79 00:07:08,537 --> 00:07:11,664 Oh sure, frisk the foreign guy. 80 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:15,135 The color of my skin is not a crime. 81 00:07:22,170 --> 00:07:25,429 Why do you have a frog in your pocket? 82 00:07:25,599 --> 00:07:28,608 It's a suprise for the ladies. 83 00:07:28,777 --> 00:07:32,452 Oh, he pied on me, that's resisting arrest. 84 00:07:32,624 --> 00:07:37,049 Well, I'm about to resist arest too. 85 00:07:42,619 --> 00:07:45,831 Hey dad, that was pretty cool how I shut off all the water in the house. 86 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:51,526 Yeah, you really installed a lot of condfidence, muttering lefty-lucy, righty-tighty the whole time. 87 00:07:51,694 --> 00:07:59,426 Okay, lets get started. Now this is a wrench. 88 00:07:59,597 --> 00:08:04,106 Dad I think I know what tools are. - Good. Then grab the phillips head. 89 00:08:04,282 --> 00:08:08,040 Shoudn't I buy Phillip a drink first? 90 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,941 C'mon were just a couple of guys having some fun on a job. Lighten up. 91 00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:19,827 Get a little, lefty-lucy. 92 00:08:20,006 --> 00:08:23,265 Do you even know what a phillips head screwdriver is? 93 00:08:23,435 --> 00:08:26,111 I know it's a screwdriver. 94 00:08:26,279 --> 00:08:28,527 Now. 95 00:08:29,582 --> 00:08:33,091 The water's off. - Why is the water off? - We're gonna fix the pipes. 96 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,225 But I have to use the bathroom. - What? 97 00:08:36,399 --> 00:08:39,027 I have to use the bathroom! 98 00:08:39,201 --> 00:08:40,615 Well go ahead. 99 00:08:40,790 --> 00:08:44,548 But you only get one flush so make it count. 100 00:08:46,896 --> 00:08:51,535 Well I guess I can hold it. I just hope I don't sneeze. 101 00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:01,649 Would you sit still. - Jackie, she's not a doll. 102 00:09:01,825 --> 00:09:04,703 Well not a good one anyway. 103 00:09:05,422 --> 00:09:09,680 I don't want a makeover. You're suppose to be helping me with my homework. 104 00:09:09,854 --> 00:09:13,066 Homework is for ugly girls. 105 00:09:14,497 --> 00:09:20,016 Okay. Pretty girls get geeky boys to do their homework for them. 106 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:27,083 Jackie, you're supposed to do fun stuff like go roller-skating. Not teach her to prostitute herself for geometry notes. 107 00:09:27,252 --> 00:09:30,712 She's cool. Why can't she be my big sister? 108 00:09:30,890 --> 00:09:34,149 See, Donna already has a little sister. 109 00:09:34,319 --> 00:09:36,781 Her name is Eric. 110 00:09:44,398 --> 00:09:48,453 Okay. Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes. 111 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,833 Under there? 112 00:09:53,305 --> 00:09:55,933 But, it's all spidery. 113 00:09:56,985 --> 00:10:01,909 Get under there or you gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass. 114 00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:08,476 I just realized something. After all the years me helping you fix stuff... 115 00:10:08,652 --> 00:10:12,875 you finally have to hold flashlight for me. 116 00:10:13,044 --> 00:10:15,802 Lower dumb-ass. 117 00:10:19,149 --> 00:10:21,826 Alright, I'm in. I'm just gonna loosen... 118 00:10:21,993 --> 00:10:25,168 Spider, big one. Oh my god. 119 00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,438 A brillo pad? 120 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:35,992 You were afraid of a brillo pad? 121 00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:39,176 It bit me. 122 00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:42,976 Boy, somewhere down the line I failed with you. 123 00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:48,755 You know, I think it was that one day when you were ten and I cought you with those dolls. 124 00:10:48,925 --> 00:10:52,767 They were action figures. 125 00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:58,749 I wanna go to the movies. 126 00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:03,392 Why? You're watching me live my life. 127 00:11:03,561 --> 00:11:06,142 It's better than any movie. 128 00:11:09,667 --> 00:11:12,509 Good afternoon, civilians. 129 00:11:12,678 --> 00:11:15,770 Where's my frog you son of a bitch? 130 00:11:17,989 --> 00:11:20,533 Well the good news is I let him loose. 131 00:11:20,707 --> 00:11:25,465 The bad news is he hopped in front of an eighteen wheeler. 132 00:11:25,642 --> 00:11:30,482 He dodged the first wheel, but the last seventeen got him. 133 00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:34,289 Did you show up in a cop car? 134 00:11:34,465 --> 00:11:37,427 My training officer let me take the cruiser out for a spin. 135 00:11:37,602 --> 00:11:41,658 Mind if we check it out? - Fine, just don't touch anything. 136 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:46,500 I'll be in the bathroom taking care of some police business, or as the boys down at the station like to say 137 00:11:46,677 --> 00:11:49,602 I'll be taking the 10100. 138 00:11:51,988 --> 00:11:57,543 How'd you like to see a police car? - I already saw one when the police took my daddy to jail. 139 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:01,726 Alright, you know what, cheer up or you're not getting lunch. 140 00:12:03,907 --> 00:12:07,332 Oh, Donna don't worry, you're getting lunch. 141 00:12:07,503 --> 00:12:11,808 Okay, you know what. You don't have a clue when it comes deeling with kids. 142 00:12:11,978 --> 00:12:14,987 Well if you think you're so good at it, why don't you give it a shot? 143 00:12:15,156 --> 00:12:16,738 Okay, I will. 144 00:12:16,913 --> 00:12:21,004 C'mon, Colette, you've just been upgraded to Little Donna. 145 00:12:24,022 --> 00:12:29,410 You know what. It is your lose cause I was gonna let you give me a pedicure. 146 00:12:33,431 --> 00:12:36,976 I can't belive they trusted Kelso with a cop car. 147 00:12:37,153 --> 00:12:40,495 I can't belive he left the keys in it. 148 00:12:43,426 --> 00:12:45,757 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 149 00:12:45,935 --> 00:12:48,694 Burn rubber, little buddy. 150 00:12:56,223 --> 00:12:59,018 You're out of soap in the mens room. 151 00:12:59,192 --> 00:13:02,285 My eagle eye catches everything. 152 00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:13,410 This is so exciting. What should we do next? 153 00:13:13,578 --> 00:13:18,752 Plant some evidence? Bust some prostitutes? 154 00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:23,319 Plant some evidence in the bust of some prostitutes? 155 00:13:23,489 --> 00:13:27,283 Oh hey, check it out. Walkie talkie. 156 00:13:28,173 --> 00:13:31,598 Freeze, you're under arrest. 157 00:13:33,483 --> 00:13:36,778 Freeze, you're under arrest. 158 00:13:38,586 --> 00:13:41,297 Freeze, you're under arrest. 159 00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:43,385 Oh yeah, that's the one. 160 00:13:44,273 --> 00:13:49,709 This is officer Michael Kelso. And I'm not wearing any pants. 161 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:55,305 Am I supposed to be driving all over the road? Cause I'm loaded. 162 00:13:58,074 --> 00:14:01,498 My car is gone. Somebody call the police. 163 00:14:11,623 --> 00:14:14,037 Okay that's it. I can't fix it. I just, I can't do it. 164 00:14:14,215 --> 00:14:19,818 Oh, what's the problem now? Did the fuzzy dish towel jumped out and attack you? 165 00:14:20,907 --> 00:14:23,487 I can belive you said you said you failed with me. 166 00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:25,796 Oh, c'mon that was a joke. 167 00:14:25,967 --> 00:14:32,069 You know like a "priest and a rabin walk in to a bar" or "I've failed with you". 168 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:36,118 Do you really think that? - No, not completely. 169 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:41,099 I mean, maybe you're not good at fixing stuff... 170 00:14:41,273 --> 00:14:45,364 but you stayed behind from school to help the family out. 171 00:14:45,538 --> 00:14:47,953 And that's admirable. 172 00:14:48,759 --> 00:14:52,386 Yeah, yeah it is. 173 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:58,455 Some might say it's the greatest gift a son can give his father. 174 00:14:58,628 --> 00:15:03,101 No, the greatest gift a son could give his father is a Heisman trophy. 175 00:15:03,939 --> 00:15:08,911 Look, you've tortured yourself enough for one day, lets just pack it up and call the plumer. 176 00:15:09,083 --> 00:15:11,461 No, no. Look I can fix some things. 177 00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:15,975 Boba Fetts jet pack doesn't just glue itself back on. 178 00:15:16,945 --> 00:15:19,407 You know what, I'm gonna fix lawn mower. Right now. 179 00:15:19,579 --> 00:15:23,171 No, why would you wanna embarass yourself like that? 180 00:15:23,343 --> 00:15:27,221 I mean, I'll be standing there, and you'll be standing there and the mower won't work... 181 00:15:27,399 --> 00:15:31,111 and I'll say something mean and claim it's a joke. 182 00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:37,348 I'm gonna fix that lawn mower. I'm gonna fix the hell out of it 183 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,314 And when I'm done, you're be able to race that baby at the Indy 500. 184 00:15:41,493 --> 00:15:46,048 Look son, just so you know, the lawn mower is the red thing with wheels on it. 185 00:15:46,218 --> 00:15:48,300 Yeah, well not for long. 186 00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:57,001 More news after this. 187 00:15:57,175 --> 00:16:00,600 You know if a white man has stolen that car it would be all over that news. 188 00:16:00,772 --> 00:16:04,614 Fez, not having every cop in Wisconsin looking for us is probably a good thing. 189 00:16:04,786 --> 00:16:07,200 Shut up, whitey. 190 00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:13,723 Has anyone seen Little Jackie? - No, why? 191 00:16:13,903 --> 00:16:15,985 Ahh, never mind. 192 00:16:17,332 --> 00:16:20,710 Oh my god, you lost Little Jackie? 193 00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:24,847 No, I didn't loose Little... Jackie! 194 00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:28,319 We're playing hide and seek, and she's really, relly good. 195 00:16:28,498 --> 00:16:34,053 Oh, so you look for her, but when you play with Fez you let him sit in a closet all day. 196 00:16:35,482 --> 00:16:40,037 I can not belive you Donna, you said I didn't know what I was doing, and look at what you did. 197 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:44,715 Okay, are you gonna help me find her or not? - Well I'm gonna have to. I mean this is serious. 198 00:16:44,891 --> 00:16:49,399 If we don't find that little girl, I'm gonna get like half hour detention. 199 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,936 Where is my cop car? 200 00:16:59,988 --> 00:17:05,078 You know what, I'm gonna count to three, and before I'm done you better tell me where it is. 201 00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:08,516 One, two... 202 00:17:08,686 --> 00:17:11,064 two and a half... 203 00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:14,196 Three. 204 00:17:14,373 --> 00:17:18,679 No, you can't say three. That's not how it works. 205 00:17:18,849 --> 00:17:23,737 Did my frog know how it worked when he seen that tire coming? 206 00:17:26,794 --> 00:17:30,504 His tiny green life flashing before his eyes. 207 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:38,164 Guys c'mon. You can't just take somebodies car without asking permission... 208 00:17:38,336 --> 00:17:41,714 especialy since I kind of took it without asking permission. 209 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,772 What? - You stole it? 210 00:17:44,944 --> 00:17:48,619 I was supposed to be watching it while my training officer got a hair cut. 211 00:17:48,791 --> 00:17:52,299 They are gonna have my paper badge for this. 212 00:18:11,164 --> 00:18:15,042 Mom, dad come quick, I fixed it. I fixed it. 213 00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:20,903 It was like God had control over my hands. 214 00:18:21,075 --> 00:18:23,454 Let me start it for you. - Eric don't. 215 00:18:23,627 --> 00:18:29,347 I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-lucy instead of righty- tighty we could all die. 216 00:18:29,523 --> 00:18:31,771 Let me just put this in a garage. 217 00:18:31,949 --> 00:18:35,041 But dad... No, no honey, honey your father's right. It's not safe. 218 00:18:35,210 --> 00:18:38,671 We'll let Bob start it later. 219 00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:48,251 What did you do? 220 00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:54,566 Why? Why, why is it always my house? 221 00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:59,665 You really wanna now or you wanna just keep yelling? - I wanna keep yelling. 222 00:18:59,842 --> 00:19:03,981 I don't care whos fault it is, just get that thing out of here. Now! - Yes sir. 223 00:19:04,861 --> 00:19:07,952 Alright everybody show's over. Let's go in the house. 224 00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:11,417 Dad, the lawn mower, I fixed the lawn mower. You gotta see. 225 00:19:11,593 --> 00:19:13,591 Kelso, wait... 226 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:21,666 Hey look Fez, just like your frog. 227 00:19:24,432 --> 00:19:27,274 Oh well, it was broken anyway. 228 00:19:28,447 --> 00:19:32,205 No, it wasn't. 229 00:19:32,378 --> 00:19:34,375 I fixed it. 230 00:19:34,552 --> 00:19:38,012 Mom, you belive me, don't you? - Of course I do honey. 231 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:42,449 I belive that you belive you fixed it. 232 00:19:57,804 --> 00:20:02,812 Why are you on my seat? - This automobile has not moved. 233 00:20:02,989 --> 00:20:06,332 Wait, you didn't ask me that. 234 00:20:12,858 --> 00:20:17,830 Did you touch anything? Cause if you did, you are in big trouble. 235 00:20:18,002 --> 00:20:22,724 No, I can assure you, everything is exactly as you left it. 236 00:20:22,895 --> 00:20:28,747 Hey Kelso, did you get the cop car back before you boss found out you stole it? 237 00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:33,131 Okay, that... I can explain that. 238 00:20:33,308 --> 00:20:35,853 Where am I? 239 00:20:37,114 --> 00:20:40,206 Yeah, I can't explain that. 240 00:20:44,181 --> 00:20:46,226 Socket wrench. 241 00:20:47,569 --> 00:20:51,196 Drives the spaceship, sits next to the hairy guy. 242 00:20:53,465 --> 00:20:56,045 Han Solo. 243 00:20:56,225 --> 00:20:58,104 Flathead screwdriver. 244 00:20:58,274 --> 00:21:01,569 Oh, I know this. Guy with the breathing problem. 245 00:21:03,418 --> 00:21:07,010 Guy with the breathing problem? This is Darth freaking Vader. 246 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:12,190 Seriously dad if you don't know the dark lord of the Sith, the most hated enemy of the jedi warrior then... 247 00:21:12,368 --> 00:21:15,960 I guess somewhere down the line I failed with you.