1 00:00:28,286 --> 00:00:31,456 Patrick Stewart: Thank you. And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa. 2 00:00:31,539 --> 00:00:35,419 Thank you, Bernie Kopell! Thank you to… 3 00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:37,045 Hey, what's the most fucked-up 4 00:00:37,128 --> 00:00:38,797 host-musical guest combo you can think of? 5 00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:41,591 Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross. 6 00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:42,718 Oh. That's good. 7 00:00:42,801 --> 00:00:44,553 Joan Didion and Whitesnake. 8 00:00:44,636 --> 00:00:46,430 David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan. 9 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:48,473 Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s. 10 00:00:48,556 --> 00:00:50,100 Ted Kennedy and the Dead Kennedys. 11 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:51,310 That's the one. 12 00:00:51,393 --> 00:00:52,811 - That's good. Right? - Yeah. 13 00:00:53,395 --> 00:00:56,022 Another Saturday night alone in my room. 14 00:00:56,981 --> 00:00:58,149 Why won't you call me? 15 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:02,404 I'm so lonely, and I want you so bad. 16 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,991 1-900-1HOT-BUTT. 17 00:01:07,742 --> 00:01:09,328 Only $3.99 per minute. 18 00:01:09,411 --> 00:01:11,496 Oh, man, she's so hot. 19 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,498 I wish we could call one of those numbers. 20 00:01:14,332 --> 00:01:16,001 - You want to? - What, are you kidding? 21 00:01:16,084 --> 00:01:18,337 My dad would kill us if we called a 900 number. 22 00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,756 Hey, wait a second. Maybe there's an 800 version. 23 00:01:20,839 --> 00:01:22,674 You know, where it's free. Try 1-800. 24 00:01:22,757 --> 00:01:23,842 Okay. 25 00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:31,266 American Airlines, how may I help you? 26 00:01:31,349 --> 00:01:34,352 Aw. Wait, are you horny? 27 00:01:34,853 --> 00:01:37,314 Uh, I don't know. A little, I guess. 28 00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:38,607 Oh. 29 00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:40,108 You might have better luck calling United. 30 00:01:40,191 --> 00:01:41,943 I think they're pretty horny over there. 31 00:01:42,026 --> 00:01:43,779 Okay. Thank you. 32 00:01:43,862 --> 00:01:45,656 No problem. Stay hard, man. 33 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:46,865 Yeah. You too. 34 00:01:51,286 --> 00:01:54,330 Oh, a white guy doing stand-up. This should go well. 35 00:01:59,210 --> 00:02:01,046 Ah, fuck. Third period. 36 00:02:01,129 --> 00:02:02,547 I fuckin' hate gym class. 37 00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:05,300 I'm always worried my dick's gonna fall out of my shorts, 38 00:02:05,383 --> 00:02:06,468 and then it never does. 39 00:02:06,551 --> 00:02:07,803 And that doesn't feel good either. 40 00:02:07,886 --> 00:02:09,137 How do you think I feel? 41 00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:11,347 Hey, why don't we go smoke in the supply closet? 42 00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:18,563 - Huh. - What the hell? 43 00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:20,816 Oh, yeah. It's because the janitor hung himself 44 00:02:20,899 --> 00:02:21,817 in there last week. 45 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,652 Oh, yeah. 46 00:02:23,735 --> 00:02:25,487 It's weird. He was so happy when he told us 47 00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:27,823 he had 25 grand riding on the Pats game. 48 00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:29,157 Hey, what about the basement? 49 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,826 Anybody kill themselves down there? 50 00:02:30,909 --> 00:02:31,909 Not that I know of. 51 00:02:41,753 --> 00:02:42,837 Hey, look at that. 52 00:02:43,588 --> 00:02:45,257 What? There's a phone. 53 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:47,759 Just a random phone down here in the basement? 54 00:02:47,842 --> 00:02:48,719 Yeah. 55 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,095 Johnny. 56 00:02:50,845 --> 00:02:52,764 1-900-HOT-BUTT. 57 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,727 There's a dial tone. 58 00:03:05,527 --> 00:03:08,864 female voice: Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT. 59 00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:11,867 Please stand by for sexy phone fun. 60 00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:15,120 There are two masturbators ahead of you. 61 00:03:15,203 --> 00:03:16,538 - Holy shit. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck. 62 00:03:16,621 --> 00:03:17,622 - Holy shit, Teddy. - Holy fuck. Holy fuck 63 00:03:17,705 --> 00:03:19,791 Hi. Who's this? 64 00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,294 - John. - Don't use your real name. 65 00:03:22,377 --> 00:03:23,628 Uh, Jon. No "H." 66 00:03:23,711 --> 00:03:26,298 Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna. 67 00:03:26,381 --> 00:03:27,841 Uh, hey, Shauna. 68 00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:29,885 Are you the girl from the commercial? 69 00:03:29,968 --> 00:03:31,052 That depends. 70 00:03:31,469 --> 00:03:34,723 Was she a naughty brunette with huge tits? 71 00:03:34,806 --> 00:03:37,225 No, she was a blonde with more like B cups. 72 00:03:37,308 --> 00:03:38,560 Yeah. That's me. 73 00:03:38,643 --> 00:03:40,729 Tell me, what would you do to me 74 00:03:40,812 --> 00:03:43,231 if you were here right now? 75 00:03:43,314 --> 00:03:45,233 Y-You mean, like, sex-wise? 76 00:03:45,316 --> 00:03:48,236 Oh, we can do anything you want, baby. 77 00:03:48,319 --> 00:03:51,239 Okay, well, I touch your boob. 78 00:03:51,322 --> 00:03:53,075 Oh, my God. 79 00:03:53,158 --> 00:03:55,243 A-And then, and then I touch the other one. 80 00:03:55,326 --> 00:03:57,954 Oh, God! Slow down. 81 00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:59,414 Teddy, cut it out. You're hurting her. 82 00:03:59,497 --> 00:04:00,582 Oh, shit. Is it too much? 83 00:04:00,665 --> 00:04:02,084 I'm just trying to have fun. 84 00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:04,794 Shauna, teach us how to be good lovers. 85 00:05:04,813 --> 00:05:05,980 Hey, Teddy. 86 00:05:06,648 --> 00:05:07,690 Hot butt. 87 00:05:09,150 --> 00:05:11,153 Hey. Hot buttered butt. 88 00:05:11,236 --> 00:05:12,863 Oh. That's good. 89 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,156 - We know. - You're crazy. 90 00:05:14,239 --> 00:05:17,242 You boys sure have been in a good mood lately. 91 00:05:17,325 --> 00:05:19,244 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. 92 00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:21,163 Hey, do you know if Becky called today? 93 00:05:21,246 --> 00:05:22,331 Who's Becky? 94 00:05:22,414 --> 00:05:24,333 Well, I've started tutoring kids 95 00:05:24,416 --> 00:05:26,418 for some extra money, and she's one of my students. 96 00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:27,919 She's nervous about her English test, 97 00:05:28,002 --> 00:05:29,171 so I said she could call me. 98 00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:32,174 Matty, she is the most adorable little girl. 99 00:05:32,257 --> 00:05:34,176 Told you I don't want to know about any new people. 100 00:05:34,259 --> 00:05:35,844 Oh, there she is. 101 00:05:40,432 --> 00:05:41,433 Hello. 102 00:05:43,435 --> 00:05:44,686 What do you want? 103 00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:47,605 You're fuckin' kidding me, right? 104 00:05:48,106 --> 00:05:49,107 No. 105 00:05:49,774 --> 00:05:51,943 Uh, did you hear me? I said no. 106 00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:53,904 I don't know, do you want me to list 107 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,030 the, uh, ten billion fuckin' reasons why? 108 00:05:56,781 --> 00:05:58,283 No. Go fuck yourself. 109 00:06:00,285 --> 00:06:01,369 Was that Becky? 110 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:02,996 Uh, no. 111 00:06:03,955 --> 00:06:06,624 No, th-that was my dad. 112 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,919 Bernie? What did he want? 113 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,462 He wants to come visit. 114 00:06:10,545 --> 00:06:12,964 Bernie's coming here? Holy shit! 115 00:06:13,047 --> 00:06:15,050 That's great. It's about fuckin' time. 116 00:06:15,133 --> 00:06:17,719 No, no, I have told him over and over again 117 00:06:17,802 --> 00:06:19,554 that I don't want to see him. Ever. 118 00:06:19,637 --> 00:06:21,390 You're talking about your own goddamn father. 119 00:06:21,473 --> 00:06:23,392 H-He said he wants to make things right 120 00:06:23,475 --> 00:06:24,559 between the two of us. 121 00:06:24,642 --> 00:06:26,061 I'm not fuckin' interested, okay? 122 00:06:26,144 --> 00:06:27,229 I don't want him here. Whoa. 123 00:06:27,312 --> 00:06:29,064 Whoa, whoa. Hey. 124 00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:31,233 Bernie can visit here whenever he wants, all right? 125 00:06:31,316 --> 00:06:33,652 This is my house, and he's my big brother. 126 00:06:33,735 --> 00:06:36,279 Yeah? Well, he's my dad, and he's a raging asshole. 127 00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:38,782 I'd appreciate if you just stayed out of this. 128 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:41,410 Fuck that. You know what? I'm calling him, 129 00:06:41,493 --> 00:06:42,619 and I'm telling him he can come here 130 00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:44,413 and he can stay as long as he wants. 131 00:06:44,496 --> 00:06:45,831 No, Matty, wait. Please don't do this. 132 00:06:45,914 --> 00:06:48,374 My own brother is not gonna be unwelcome in my home. 133 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,462 You really hate him that much? 134 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:55,423 If he steps foot in this house, I'm fuckin' out of here. 135 00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:01,679 I can't wait to hear Shauna's take on all this. 136 00:07:07,769 --> 00:07:11,106 Hi, this is Candy. Who's this? 137 00:07:11,189 --> 00:07:14,860 Oh, uh, hi, Candy. We normally talk to Shauna. 138 00:07:14,943 --> 00:07:16,820 Shauna's not on call today. 139 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,530 And not because of AIDS. 140 00:07:18,613 --> 00:07:21,616 Oh, okay. We didn't ask. 141 00:07:21,699 --> 00:07:23,618 Legally, you're not allowed to. 142 00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:26,621 Anyway, it's just me, Candy. 143 00:07:26,704 --> 00:07:28,999 You know, like, sweet and sticky. 144 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,460 Well, gosh, Candy, you sound great, 145 00:07:31,543 --> 00:07:34,129 but we've spent a lot of time talking to Shauna. 146 00:07:34,212 --> 00:07:36,131 There's a certain intimacy that develops, 147 00:07:36,214 --> 00:07:37,674 and I'm concerned you won't be able to keep up 148 00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:39,092 with the rapport we've built. 149 00:07:39,175 --> 00:07:40,969 You want me to talk about blowing ya? 150 00:07:41,052 --> 00:07:42,220 Okay. You're up to speed. 151 00:07:42,303 --> 00:07:43,471 So, what's your fantasy? 152 00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:46,308 I'm the hottest record producer in the business, 153 00:07:46,391 --> 00:07:47,809 and you're a total nobody. 154 00:07:47,892 --> 00:07:49,394 What are you gonna do for me? 155 00:07:49,477 --> 00:07:51,355 - Jesus. - What? 156 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,814 That's fuckin' dark. 157 00:07:52,897 --> 00:07:54,149 Well, how would you do it? 158 00:07:54,232 --> 00:07:56,151 Hi. I'm a struggling record producer, 159 00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:57,694 and I need your talents on my label. 160 00:07:57,777 --> 00:07:59,154 We're artists first, 161 00:07:59,237 --> 00:08:01,031 and you will own your own publishing rights. 162 00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,408 Okay. And then I take my clothes off. 163 00:08:03,491 --> 00:08:04,826 Keep 'em on, honey. I don't want nothin' 164 00:08:04,909 --> 00:08:06,078 to get in the way of my business. 165 00:08:06,161 --> 00:08:07,829 Which is making hit records. Uh… 166 00:08:07,912 --> 00:08:09,831 You know who else I discovered through phone sex? 167 00:08:09,914 --> 00:08:10,666 Huey Lewis. 168 00:08:10,749 --> 00:08:11,917 He was just like you, 169 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,835 suckin', fuckin', doing it all for a dime. 170 00:08:13,918 --> 00:08:15,087 That's what Power of Love is about. 171 00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:16,672 Like that. 172 00:08:16,755 --> 00:08:17,756 I think I lost my boner. 173 00:08:17,839 --> 00:08:19,549 Good. We got songs to write. 174 00:08:23,762 --> 00:08:26,681 Who, or rather what, was the Ice Man? 175 00:08:27,098 --> 00:08:28,391 Most people assumed it was just… 176 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,563 An entertaining illusion created by a master showman. 177 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,234 - Hey, fuckface! - Hey! 178 00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,361 I brought you Coors! On tap! 179 00:08:39,444 --> 00:08:41,279 Ah! Bernie, you son of a bitch! 180 00:08:41,362 --> 00:08:42,614 - I got you. - You got me good. 181 00:08:42,697 --> 00:08:44,366 Come on, give me a hug, you prick. 182 00:08:44,449 --> 00:08:45,909 Yeah. Careful. Ow! 183 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,369 Hug me for real, you rotten bastard. 184 00:08:47,452 --> 00:08:49,037 Listen, don't act like you don't know me. 185 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,122 I know you. 186 00:08:50,205 --> 00:08:51,790 I love you, you cum guzzler. 187 00:08:51,873 --> 00:08:54,584 Why don't you go guzzle some fuckin' cum, you big queer? 188 00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,294 It's fun to have company. 189 00:08:56,377 --> 00:08:57,713 Bernie. 190 00:08:57,796 --> 00:08:59,423 Hi! 191 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:02,551 I blew up an air mattress for you in the attic, 192 00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:04,970 and I put an Andes candy on your pillow. 193 00:09:05,053 --> 00:09:07,639 Oh, yeah. Is that how Matty freshens his breath 194 00:09:07,722 --> 00:09:08,848 after chugging spunk? 195 00:09:10,308 --> 00:09:12,728 Wow. It's like having Bob Newhart in the house. 196 00:09:12,811 --> 00:09:14,646 Susie, why do you stay with this fuckin' nut hair? 197 00:09:14,729 --> 00:09:15,772 I love this guy. 198 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,733 I thought Denise was coming with you. 199 00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:21,570 Eh, we got in a fight on 128, so she jumped out of the car. 200 00:09:21,653 --> 00:09:24,489 - Oh. - But speaking of Bennett broads, 201 00:09:24,572 --> 00:09:26,408 there is my princess. 202 00:09:26,491 --> 00:09:27,451 Hiya, Blaire. 203 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,244 Nope, nope, nope. I'm out. 204 00:09:29,327 --> 00:09:31,580 Blaire, that's your father. Say a proper hello. 205 00:09:31,663 --> 00:09:33,332 Seriously, Matty, stay out of this. 206 00:09:33,415 --> 00:09:35,667 Blaire's right. I deserve the cold shoulder. 207 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:37,252 I gotta earn my daughter's respect. 208 00:09:37,335 --> 00:09:39,254 That's why I'm here. There you go, Johnny. 209 00:09:39,337 --> 00:09:41,089 - You're old enough now. - Gee, thanks. 210 00:09:41,172 --> 00:09:42,674 Johnny, absolutely not. 211 00:09:42,757 --> 00:09:44,176 That'll stunt your growth. 212 00:09:44,259 --> 00:09:45,969 That is what happened to the little man 213 00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:47,262 on the Fantasy Islands. 214 00:09:47,345 --> 00:09:48,930 Hi, Bernie. Ted. 215 00:09:49,013 --> 00:09:51,266 I remember you from when you shot all those cats. 216 00:09:51,349 --> 00:09:54,102 Hey, that was Christmas Eve. I get to do what I want. 217 00:09:54,185 --> 00:09:55,603 - Right, Matty? - Ow! 218 00:09:56,020 --> 00:09:57,689 Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie. 219 00:09:57,772 --> 00:09:59,608 Me? You're the one who's hitting your balls, Matty. 220 00:09:59,691 --> 00:10:02,235 I'm not. Don't… 221 00:10:03,778 --> 00:10:05,447 Stop hitting your balls! 222 00:10:05,530 --> 00:10:07,240 Stop hitting your balls, Matty! 223 00:10:09,451 --> 00:10:12,537 I will be in my room screaming into a pillow. 224 00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:13,620 Okay. 225 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,709 Ah, fuck, I took a shit. 226 00:10:23,798 --> 00:10:26,009 So who do you like better, Candy or Shauna? 227 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,844 I think I like Shauna better. 228 00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:29,972 Candy's coughing fits kinda take me out of it. 229 00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,182 Yeah. You know, I'm actually a little worried about her. 230 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:33,392 I know. 231 00:10:33,475 --> 00:10:35,560 Also, I hope Heather's son found a kidney. 232 00:10:35,643 --> 00:10:36,979 Well, she said they did, but then it fell 233 00:10:37,062 --> 00:10:38,146 out of the helicopter. 234 00:10:38,229 --> 00:10:39,982 Thank God we make these women cum so much. 235 00:10:40,065 --> 00:10:41,357 Otherwise, they'd be miserable. 236 00:10:49,824 --> 00:10:51,743 automated voice: The number you have dialed is blocked. 237 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:00,752 What do you think it means? 238 00:11:01,503 --> 00:11:02,337 I don't know. 239 00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:03,755 Johnny, what if… 240 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,008 What if the school found out about the sex line 241 00:11:06,091 --> 00:11:08,010 and they blocked the number, and now we're in trouble? 242 00:11:08,093 --> 00:11:11,137 Look, let's not get crazy, okay? It's probably nothing. 243 00:11:13,598 --> 00:11:16,476 Everyone, quiet down and listen up. 244 00:11:17,018 --> 00:11:18,353 It has been brought to my attention 245 00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:19,771 that someone at this school 246 00:11:19,854 --> 00:11:23,191 has made a series of extremely inappropriate calls 247 00:11:23,274 --> 00:11:24,609 to an adult phone line. 248 00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:27,112 They used a telephone on school property, 249 00:11:27,195 --> 00:11:31,074 and we have received a bill for nearly $5,000. 250 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,953 Quiet! 251 00:11:35,537 --> 00:11:37,122 This is a serious 252 00:11:37,205 --> 00:11:39,958 and obscene violation of school policy, 253 00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:42,753 and I can promise you that whoever did it 254 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:43,879 will be caught, 255 00:11:43,962 --> 00:11:46,089 held financially responsible, 256 00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:47,716 and expelled. 257 00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:50,260 We are conducting a full investigation 258 00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:53,054 led by the Massachusetts Board of Education. 259 00:11:53,972 --> 00:11:55,181 Mr. Lawrence. 260 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,984 My name is Avery Lawrence. 261 00:12:06,735 --> 00:12:09,696 I'm the Board of Education's deputy inspector general. 262 00:12:10,488 --> 00:12:12,407 Whoever made these calls, 263 00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:13,950 it'll be much easier for you 264 00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,869 if you come forward now. 265 00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:23,835 All right. We'll do it the hard way. 266 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:25,837 But know this. 267 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,840 Statistically, most masturbators are caught 268 00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:30,341 within the first 48 hours. 269 00:12:39,684 --> 00:12:42,104 Teddy, what the fuck are we gonna do? 270 00:12:42,187 --> 00:12:43,605 Our lives are gonna be ruined. 271 00:12:43,688 --> 00:12:45,440 Look, we just gotta stay cool, okay? 272 00:12:45,523 --> 00:12:46,650 They got no idea it was us. 273 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,651 And if we just wait it out, 274 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,986 they got to give up eventually. 275 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,113 Oh, my God, did you guys hear what happened? 276 00:12:51,196 --> 00:12:52,614 - What? - Principal Bernard says 277 00:12:52,697 --> 00:12:53,949 they're canceling Senior Skip Day 278 00:12:54,032 --> 00:12:55,450 until they catch the masturbator. 279 00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,869 Oh, my God. Who did it? 280 00:12:57,952 --> 00:13:00,914 Who's the jackoff who called the phone sex line? 281 00:13:02,123 --> 00:13:03,625 Listen up, you motherfucker! 282 00:13:03,708 --> 00:13:06,461 We waited four years to skip a day of school 283 00:13:06,544 --> 00:13:07,587 in a manner sanctioned 284 00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,506 by the Massachusetts Board of Education 285 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,466 and scheduled into the academic curriculum. 286 00:13:11,549 --> 00:13:14,803 And one of you little perverts fucked it all up. 287 00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,848 Who was it? Who made the calls? 288 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,683 Show your fucking face! 289 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,143 You can't hide from us! 290 00:13:21,226 --> 00:13:22,853 We're gonna find you, masturbator! 291 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,479 And when we do, you're dead. 292 00:13:24,562 --> 00:13:26,481 Kill the masturbator! 293 00:13:26,564 --> 00:13:28,567 Kill the masturbator! 294 00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:30,652 Kill the masturbator! 295 00:13:30,735 --> 00:13:32,529 Kill the masturbator! 296 00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,698 Kill the masturbator! 297 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,117 Kill the masturbator! 298 00:13:50,088 --> 00:13:53,842 I just don't understand what Lyle Lovett sees 299 00:13:53,925 --> 00:13:56,261 in that Julia Roberts. 300 00:13:56,344 --> 00:13:59,348 - He could have any woman alive. - What? 301 00:13:59,431 --> 00:14:02,059 Oh, he needs to settle down and not get caught up 302 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,310 in that Hollywood rat race. 303 00:14:04,769 --> 00:14:07,230 Hey, hey, what's this? 304 00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:10,192 A meeting of the best-looking people in the house. 305 00:14:10,275 --> 00:14:11,776 I should fit right in! 306 00:14:12,861 --> 00:14:16,031 Oh, Bernie, you're so funny. 307 00:14:16,114 --> 00:14:18,867 I still think you should get a ventriloquist dummy. 308 00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:20,535 Oh, you'd be so funny with it. 309 00:14:20,618 --> 00:14:23,372 Hey, hey, you mind if me and Blaire talk 310 00:14:23,455 --> 00:14:24,581 in private for a minute? 311 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,793 Oh, of course, of course. 312 00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:31,546 I need to go and cube some fruit for tonight's Jell-O. 313 00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:33,090 We're having green. 314 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:34,966 No, no. No, no, no. Aunt Suse, you stay. 315 00:14:35,633 --> 00:14:37,802 Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of her. 316 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:43,141 Okay. Fine. 317 00:14:47,145 --> 00:14:50,023 Your mother didn't jump out of the car on the highway. 318 00:14:52,317 --> 00:14:53,485 She left me… 319 00:14:54,569 --> 00:14:57,072 over a bunch of shit that was not even my fault. 320 00:14:57,155 --> 00:14:58,657 I don't care what the reason was. 321 00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:00,575 You are a belligerent, untreated alcoholic 322 00:15:00,658 --> 00:15:02,077 who needs help. 323 00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,495 And until you get some, 324 00:15:03,578 --> 00:15:06,248 you and I have nothing to say to each other. 325 00:15:06,331 --> 00:15:08,000 Blaire, this time is different. 326 00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:09,960 You come home with me, 327 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,086 and I'll prove it to you. 328 00:15:11,169 --> 00:15:13,255 Come home? Yeah. 329 00:15:13,338 --> 00:15:15,257 I want you to come back and live with me, Blaire. 330 00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:17,676 You mean come back and cook your fuckin' meals for you? 331 00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:19,260 Okay. Okay. 332 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,638 Okay. 333 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,723 I can see I still gotta win you over, 334 00:15:24,849 --> 00:15:25,849 but I will. 335 00:15:27,185 --> 00:15:28,228 You'll see. 336 00:15:30,855 --> 00:15:32,774 Oh, Blaire. 337 00:15:32,857 --> 00:15:35,735 Maybe you should give him a second chance. 338 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:38,280 According to People magazine, 339 00:15:38,363 --> 00:15:41,283 Jerry Seinfeld made up with his daughter. 340 00:15:41,366 --> 00:15:43,201 Oh, my. 341 00:15:51,626 --> 00:15:53,628 Andrew. Polly. What happened in there? 342 00:15:53,711 --> 00:15:56,131 Mr. Lawrence is interrogating students in pairs 343 00:15:56,214 --> 00:15:58,675 because he thinks there was a team of masturbators. 344 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:00,052 Wait, he… he does? 345 00:16:00,135 --> 00:16:01,553 He said from the angle of the jizz, 346 00:16:01,636 --> 00:16:03,347 there had to be a second shooter. 347 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,556 I don't even jizz. 348 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,768 Bear. Boy. 349 00:16:09,477 --> 00:16:10,562 You're next. 350 00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,148 Hey. 351 00:16:13,231 --> 00:16:14,566 One at a time. 352 00:16:17,235 --> 00:16:18,487 Tuesday, 353 00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:20,155 September 20th, 354 00:16:20,238 --> 00:16:22,491 10:06 to 10:27 a.m., 355 00:16:22,574 --> 00:16:23,367 where were you? 356 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,534 Study hall. 357 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:25,910 Mm. 358 00:16:28,079 --> 00:16:31,041 I see. Unstructured time. 359 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,502 Teacher doesn't usually notice if you're not there. 360 00:16:33,585 --> 00:16:37,005 Good chance to sneak off for a cigarette. 361 00:16:37,088 --> 00:16:39,424 You know? A hot butt? 362 00:16:40,592 --> 00:16:42,635 Do you like a hot butt, John? 363 00:16:43,178 --> 00:16:46,514 You jealous, seeing me enjoy this hot butt? 364 00:16:47,182 --> 00:16:50,852 Do you wish you had access to a hot butt like mine? 365 00:16:50,935 --> 00:16:53,689 Should there be another grown-up in here? 366 00:16:53,772 --> 00:16:54,731 Your friend in the other room 367 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:55,774 already fingered you for the crime. 368 00:16:55,857 --> 00:16:57,567 So you can stop jerking me around. 369 00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,237 If you come clean, I'll help get you off. 370 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,906 I… I can't tell if you're deliberately saying stuff 371 00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,242 that's masturbation-adjacent or, um… 372 00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:08,370 If you know who did this and you give us names, 373 00:17:08,453 --> 00:17:11,206 the Board of Education will make it worth your while. 374 00:17:11,289 --> 00:17:12,374 Like what? 375 00:17:12,457 --> 00:17:14,584 With things you've never dreamed of. 376 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,379 Like this pencil 377 00:17:17,462 --> 00:17:19,631 with an eraser shaped like a star. 378 00:17:20,548 --> 00:17:22,300 Read what it says on the side of the pencil. 379 00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,555 It says "star student." 380 00:17:26,638 --> 00:17:29,266 Star student. 381 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,226 We've ordered recordings of the calls. 382 00:17:31,309 --> 00:17:32,728 When they arrive, 383 00:17:32,811 --> 00:17:34,646 we'll play them over the school's PA system. 384 00:17:34,729 --> 00:17:36,732 Unless you confess now. 385 00:17:36,815 --> 00:17:37,941 You can't do that, Mr. Lawrence. 386 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,026 The hell I can't. 387 00:17:39,109 --> 00:17:41,153 Oh, no. No, like, you really can't. 388 00:17:41,236 --> 00:17:42,571 The PA system's busted. 389 00:17:42,654 --> 00:17:44,281 Everything in this school is broken. 390 00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:47,909 And yet some bastard decides to stick the school 391 00:17:47,992 --> 00:17:52,080 with a phone bill for $5,000! 392 00:17:52,664 --> 00:17:54,541 Who cares if everything is broken? 393 00:17:54,999 --> 00:17:57,752 Who cares if this chair is broken? 394 00:17:59,587 --> 00:18:03,758 Who cares if the whole goddamn system is broken? 395 00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:11,683 Can you not tell anybody I did that? 396 00:18:11,766 --> 00:18:13,644 I'm not supposed to break any more chairs. 397 00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:15,019 Okay. 398 00:18:16,521 --> 00:18:18,314 Can you help me put it back together? 399 00:18:22,277 --> 00:18:24,029 Uh, for the love of Christ, Susan, 400 00:18:24,112 --> 00:18:25,947 hurry up with that sitz bath, huh? 401 00:18:26,030 --> 00:18:27,616 Feels like somebody microwaved a hairbrush 402 00:18:27,699 --> 00:18:29,034 and shoved it in my asshole. 403 00:18:29,117 --> 00:18:32,537 Dr. Larson warned you not to push so hard. 404 00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:34,331 Oh. 405 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:36,625 Bath time! 406 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:38,293 I got you again, motherfucker! 407 00:18:38,376 --> 00:18:39,336 Holy shit! 408 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,754 You prick! 409 00:18:43,882 --> 00:18:45,801 God, you're dead! I'm gonna get you for that! 410 00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:47,386 Bernie, come back here! 411 00:18:47,469 --> 00:18:49,387 I'm gonna get you for that! 412 00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:54,643 Look at my little brother with his ass out! 413 00:18:54,726 --> 00:18:56,228 You look like Winnie-the-Pooh! 414 00:18:56,311 --> 00:18:58,188 Where's Ted? Hey, Ted! 415 00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,815 It's your boyfriend, Winnie-the-Pooh, 416 00:18:59,898 --> 00:19:01,400 ready for you to fuck him in the ass! 417 00:19:01,483 --> 00:19:02,901 I'm totally gonna get you for that! 418 00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:06,697 You motherfucker! Put me down! 419 00:19:06,780 --> 00:19:08,239 - Fuck you, you fat fuck! - Ow! 420 00:19:09,657 --> 00:19:11,660 What the fuck is going on in here? 421 00:19:11,743 --> 00:19:13,996 Hey, Blaire, you wanna buy a sack of ass? 422 00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:15,163 Put me down, Bernie. What? 423 00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:16,915 Susan wanted me to get a puppet. Huh? 424 00:19:16,998 --> 00:19:19,668 I'm Sammy Davis Jr. I only got one brown eye. 425 00:19:19,751 --> 00:19:21,503 Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down. 426 00:19:21,586 --> 00:19:22,754 What? We're just roughhousing. 427 00:19:22,837 --> 00:19:24,715 No. You're roughhousing. He's not. 428 00:19:24,798 --> 00:19:26,174 You're being a fuckin' bully. 429 00:19:26,257 --> 00:19:27,551 Uh, Matty, am I bullying you? 430 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,553 No. We're just messing around, Blaire. 431 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:30,887 Put him the fuck down. 432 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,180 Whoa! Language. 433 00:19:32,263 --> 00:19:33,849 All right. Fine. 434 00:19:33,932 --> 00:19:35,517 - Jeez! - Oh, okay. 435 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,270 I-I really… I really do gotta do that hemorrhoid bath. 436 00:19:38,353 --> 00:19:41,231 All right, go fix your goofy bum, Candyman. 437 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,234 For Christ's sake, go wash your hands. 438 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:45,861 Why? He's my brother! 439 00:19:45,944 --> 00:19:47,612 Yeah, I'm his brother. 440 00:19:52,617 --> 00:19:54,870 Lawrence knows it's us, I'm sure of it. 441 00:19:54,953 --> 00:19:58,123 We can't pay back $5,000. What are we gonna do? 442 00:19:58,206 --> 00:19:59,916 Go to prison, that's what. 443 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,502 Holy shit. We're gonna get Shawshanked. 444 00:20:03,211 --> 00:20:04,963 We gotta find a way outta here 445 00:20:05,046 --> 00:20:07,257 or the warden's gonna have us shot in the prison yard. 446 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,635 Don't worry, Johnny, I've been digging a hole in the wall 447 00:20:09,718 --> 00:20:10,886 for the past six months. 448 00:20:10,969 --> 00:20:12,470 We can escape through it. 449 00:20:14,389 --> 00:20:15,307 What the fuck? 450 00:20:15,390 --> 00:20:16,600 Yeah. Now we can get outta here. 451 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,894 - You said you dug that for us? - Yeah. 452 00:20:18,977 --> 00:20:20,062 I can't fit through there. 453 00:20:20,145 --> 00:20:21,563 You… You made that for you. 454 00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:22,731 No, it's for both of us. 455 00:20:22,814 --> 00:20:24,733 It's literally shaped exactly like you. 456 00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:27,318 - Ah, no, it's not. - It's got fuckin' ears. 457 00:20:29,571 --> 00:20:32,074 All right, boys, you're coming with me. 458 00:20:32,157 --> 00:20:34,492 The sisters are gonna have their way with you. 459 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,328 See ya. 460 00:20:38,580 --> 00:20:39,790 Wait a minute. That's it. 461 00:20:39,873 --> 00:20:42,250 - What? - We do a Shawshank. 462 00:20:42,333 --> 00:20:45,796 How will being sodomized off-camera solve our problem? 463 00:20:45,879 --> 00:20:48,090 No, no, we do what Andy Dufresne did. 464 00:20:48,173 --> 00:20:49,925 We invent a fake person. 465 00:20:50,008 --> 00:20:52,803 A fake student who confesses to the crime. 466 00:20:52,886 --> 00:20:54,763 - Exactly. - That's the answer. 467 00:20:54,846 --> 00:20:56,098 But it's gonna take some planning. 468 00:20:56,181 --> 00:20:57,265 We better get some sleep. 469 00:20:57,348 --> 00:20:58,349 Right. 470 00:21:00,351 --> 00:21:03,522 Hey, Teddy. We're in this together, right? 471 00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:05,273 I mean, you'd never really sell me out. 472 00:21:05,356 --> 00:21:07,192 No, never, Johnny. 473 00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:23,667 We know the name of the masturbator. 474 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,003 His name is Jeremy Schwarzfinger. 475 00:21:26,086 --> 00:21:28,839 And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger? 476 00:21:28,922 --> 00:21:30,173 Only the worst kid 477 00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,092 who's ever gone to John Hancock High. 478 00:21:32,175 --> 00:21:33,176 Three years ago, 479 00:21:33,259 --> 00:21:35,679 Jeremy vandalized the entire school. 480 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:38,014 You see? Look at this desk. 481 00:21:46,314 --> 00:21:48,525 You said Jeremy did this three years ago. 482 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,401 That's right. 483 00:21:49,484 --> 00:21:51,695 This is a fresh carving. 484 00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:53,447 H… How can you tell? 485 00:21:53,530 --> 00:21:55,741 Because it's in the shape of the Sublime logo. 486 00:21:55,824 --> 00:21:57,617 And no one in Framingham 487 00:21:57,700 --> 00:22:00,537 was listening to Sublime before 1992, 488 00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:03,582 when their debut studio album, 40oz. to Freedom, 489 00:22:03,665 --> 00:22:05,083 rocked the charts. 490 00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:06,626 Do you know what I think? 491 00:22:06,709 --> 00:22:09,129 I think you two carved this 492 00:22:09,212 --> 00:22:11,423 moments before I walked in here 493 00:22:11,506 --> 00:22:14,134 with the knife that's in your back pocket. 494 00:22:14,217 --> 00:22:18,304 You boys feel that sensation in your throats? 495 00:22:19,389 --> 00:22:22,475 That's the noose tightening. 496 00:22:27,021 --> 00:22:29,274 Why'd you have to go with the fuckin' Sublime logo? 497 00:22:29,357 --> 00:22:31,443 I don't know, I just thought maybe Jeremy likes Sublime. 498 00:22:31,526 --> 00:22:33,403 What, do you got a backstory for this fuckin' kid? 499 00:22:33,486 --> 00:22:35,614 No, no, I'm just… Hold on a second, Teddy. 500 00:22:35,697 --> 00:22:37,115 You might be onto something here. 501 00:22:37,198 --> 00:22:40,243 - What? - We give Jeremy a backstory. 502 00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:42,120 A school file on paper. 503 00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:45,457 We make it so detailed that it becomes undeniable. 504 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:47,668 I don't wanna just know this guy's name. 505 00:22:47,751 --> 00:22:49,795 I wanna know what he jizzed for breakfast. 506 00:22:49,878 --> 00:22:51,755 Jizzed for breakfast? 507 00:22:51,838 --> 00:22:52,589 You know what I mean. 508 00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:54,424 No, I don't. 509 00:22:54,507 --> 00:22:57,135 And I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore. 510 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:02,849 Okay. What? 511 00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:04,267 Guess what this is. 512 00:23:04,350 --> 00:23:06,144 Um, the crate of Wild Turkey 513 00:23:06,227 --> 00:23:07,646 you're gonna drink before bed tonight? 514 00:23:07,729 --> 00:23:09,189 Even better. 515 00:23:12,233 --> 00:23:13,110 What do you think? 516 00:23:13,193 --> 00:23:14,653 What the fuck is it? 517 00:23:14,736 --> 00:23:15,988 It's a dollhouse. 518 00:23:16,071 --> 00:23:18,115 You always wanted one when you were a kid. 519 00:23:18,198 --> 00:23:19,658 So I stayed up all night building it. 520 00:23:19,741 --> 00:23:22,368 Oh, thanks. I've always wanted tetanus. 521 00:23:24,037 --> 00:23:26,540 Fine. I'm the bad guy. 522 00:23:26,623 --> 00:23:29,334 No matter what I do, it's not good enough. 523 00:23:29,417 --> 00:23:31,503 And I… And I should never, ever be forgiven. 524 00:23:31,586 --> 00:23:33,088 Okay, all right. All right. 525 00:23:33,755 --> 00:23:35,215 It's a nice gesture. 526 00:23:36,132 --> 00:23:38,385 Thank you. Now we're talking. 527 00:23:38,468 --> 00:23:39,886 Come home with me. 528 00:23:39,969 --> 00:23:41,930 If you do, I know your mother will too. 529 00:23:42,889 --> 00:23:43,849 Wait. 530 00:23:43,932 --> 00:23:45,725 That's what this is all about? 531 00:23:46,393 --> 00:23:47,227 Getting Mom back? 532 00:23:47,310 --> 00:23:48,312 Yeah! 533 00:23:48,395 --> 00:23:50,188 Because then we'll be a family again. 534 00:23:50,271 --> 00:23:52,941 And that's all I want, Blaire, I swear to God. 535 00:23:56,277 --> 00:23:58,988 I'll think about it. On one condition. 536 00:23:59,489 --> 00:24:02,993 - Anything. - Just go easier on Matty. 537 00:24:03,076 --> 00:24:05,078 All right? I don't like the way you treat him. 538 00:24:05,161 --> 00:24:07,622 And I never wanna see his asshole again. 539 00:24:08,415 --> 00:24:10,876 I will be more respectful to my little brother. 540 00:24:10,959 --> 00:24:12,252 Thank you. 541 00:24:40,113 --> 00:24:41,156 Oh, shit! 542 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,641 What are you doing down there? 543 00:25:07,724 --> 00:25:08,809 - Uh, we just… - Oh, no, no, no, no. 544 00:25:08,892 --> 00:25:10,352 Mr. Lawrence, 545 00:25:10,435 --> 00:25:11,561 I don't think I've ever done anything in my life, actually. 546 00:25:11,644 --> 00:25:12,562 Nothing. We were just messing around, is all. 547 00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:14,940 - Speak. - We found Jeremy's file. 548 00:25:15,023 --> 00:25:17,317 The really bad kid who definitely exists. 549 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,735 All the details about him are right here. 550 00:25:18,818 --> 00:25:21,321 He even has a full mustache as a teenager. 551 00:25:21,404 --> 00:25:22,739 He's that bad. Look. 552 00:25:22,822 --> 00:25:24,116 I don't need to look 553 00:25:24,199 --> 00:25:26,243 because I don't believe there is a Jeremy. 554 00:25:26,326 --> 00:25:29,913 I believe the two of you made the sex calls. 555 00:25:32,165 --> 00:25:33,583 Do you know what this is? 556 00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:34,668 Is that one of those things they put 557 00:25:34,751 --> 00:25:36,128 pizzas in the oven with? 558 00:25:36,211 --> 00:25:37,629 It's a masturbator paddle. 559 00:25:37,712 --> 00:25:39,840 Ew! And that's what they're putting the pizzas in with? 560 00:25:39,923 --> 00:25:41,174 It was used to beat sinners 561 00:25:41,257 --> 00:25:43,760 at the Holy Child Catholic School in Newburyport. 562 00:25:43,843 --> 00:25:47,431 And when I prove the two of you made the calls, 563 00:25:47,514 --> 00:25:50,934 you both will know the pain of the paddle. 564 00:25:51,893 --> 00:25:53,478 I'm watching you. 565 00:26:04,239 --> 00:26:05,907 We'll get them, Beatrice. 566 00:26:08,785 --> 00:26:10,120 We'll get them. 567 00:26:10,703 --> 00:26:12,956 What the fuck do we do now? He's gonna get us. 568 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:15,709 - We gotta make Jeremy real. - How? 569 00:26:15,792 --> 00:26:18,586 Everybody at school's gotta see him with their own eyes. 570 00:26:19,254 --> 00:26:21,256 I got an idea. 571 00:26:25,301 --> 00:26:28,138 Susan, the casserole is exquisite. 572 00:26:28,221 --> 00:26:29,389 Thank you, Bernie. 573 00:26:29,472 --> 00:26:31,350 Well, I'm gonna raise my glass 574 00:26:31,433 --> 00:26:33,393 'cause Blaire and me got a big announcement. 575 00:26:33,476 --> 00:26:34,645 We do? 576 00:26:34,728 --> 00:26:36,521 Blaire's moving back home! 577 00:26:40,608 --> 00:26:42,903 …I'm gonna be pissed. 578 00:26:42,986 --> 00:26:45,322 It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, in that order. Oh. 579 00:26:45,405 --> 00:26:47,157 Okay. Hold on, hold on. 580 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,576 I have not made any decision yet. 581 00:26:49,659 --> 00:26:51,536 I'm considering moving back home, 582 00:26:51,619 --> 00:26:53,497 but I've not decided a thing. 583 00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:55,332 Come on. You know you're in. 584 00:26:55,415 --> 00:26:57,167 And, hey, you better watch out, Matty. 585 00:26:57,250 --> 00:26:59,002 I might take Susan home with me too. 586 00:26:59,085 --> 00:27:00,921 - Oh! - Ha! Ah, come on. 587 00:27:01,004 --> 00:27:03,590 Be honest, Susan. You were into me first. 588 00:27:03,673 --> 00:27:05,884 Oh. Bernie, stop. 589 00:27:05,967 --> 00:27:08,261 Bernie, just keep it to yourself, huh? 590 00:27:08,344 --> 00:27:10,055 Well, it's true. You know, Johnny, 591 00:27:10,138 --> 00:27:12,557 another ten minutes behind that A&P with Susan, 592 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:13,725 I might have been your father. 593 00:27:13,808 --> 00:27:15,185 Hey! Hey! Bernie. 594 00:27:15,268 --> 00:27:17,354 - Apologize to her. - Huh? 595 00:27:17,437 --> 00:27:18,355 You fuckin' heard me. 596 00:27:18,438 --> 00:27:20,107 Apologize to Susan right now. 597 00:27:20,190 --> 00:27:21,692 And then apologize to Matty 598 00:27:21,775 --> 00:27:23,610 for every single fuckin' thing you've done since you got here. 599 00:27:23,693 --> 00:27:24,528 Hey. Whoa, whoa. 600 00:27:24,611 --> 00:27:25,612 We're brothers, Blaire. 601 00:27:25,695 --> 00:27:27,030 We give each other the business. 602 00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:28,615 That's not what this is. 603 00:27:28,698 --> 00:27:31,201 It's completely one-sided, and you're a fuckin' bully. 604 00:27:31,284 --> 00:27:32,202 Blaire, come on. 605 00:27:32,285 --> 00:27:33,620 Jesus Christ! 606 00:27:33,703 --> 00:27:35,080 We're just trying to have a few laughs. 607 00:27:35,163 --> 00:27:37,207 Okay. You don't wanna apologize? 608 00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:38,875 - Then get out. - Blaire, knock it off. 609 00:27:38,958 --> 00:27:40,419 He… He's just messing around. Yeah. 610 00:27:40,502 --> 00:27:42,796 Don't twist your panties. It was a joke. 611 00:27:42,879 --> 00:27:44,089 Fuck it. 612 00:27:46,966 --> 00:27:47,884 Oh, shit! 613 00:27:47,967 --> 00:27:50,262 Oh, goddamn it! 614 00:27:50,345 --> 00:27:52,055 The fuck is wrong with you? 615 00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:54,474 Relax, Dad. We're just roughhousing. 616 00:27:54,557 --> 00:27:56,560 You know, giving each other the business. 617 00:27:56,643 --> 00:27:58,395 You know what, Blaire? Fuck you! 618 00:27:58,478 --> 00:27:59,938 You know, you're not allowed back home. 619 00:28:00,021 --> 00:28:01,064 You're disinvited. 620 00:28:01,147 --> 00:28:03,900 You're a psycho, just like your mother. 621 00:28:03,983 --> 00:28:05,736 Goddamn it! 622 00:28:05,819 --> 00:28:07,946 Hey. Bernie, wait! 623 00:28:13,535 --> 00:28:17,288 Matty, which order would you fuck the women from Friends? 624 00:28:25,046 --> 00:28:26,757 Hey, everybody. Jeremy's outside. 625 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,258 You gotta come see what he's gonna do. 626 00:28:28,341 --> 00:28:29,801 - Who? - Jeremy. 627 00:28:29,884 --> 00:28:31,845 You know that really bad kid who goes here? 628 00:28:31,928 --> 00:28:35,265 The one who was really into Sublime even before 1992? 629 00:28:35,348 --> 00:28:36,600 Okay? 630 00:28:36,683 --> 00:28:38,185 Jeremy's gonna do a jump on his BMX. 631 00:28:38,268 --> 00:28:40,479 He's jumping over three cars. Three cars? 632 00:28:40,562 --> 00:28:41,647 Yeah, three cars. 633 00:28:41,730 --> 00:28:43,398 Everybody, come watch Jeremy. 634 00:28:51,781 --> 00:28:53,658 There he is. There's Jeremy. 635 00:28:59,247 --> 00:29:01,333 I can't believe that kid we go to school with 636 00:29:01,416 --> 00:29:03,168 is attempting this awesome jump. 637 00:29:03,251 --> 00:29:04,670 Let's all chant his name. 638 00:29:04,753 --> 00:29:05,879 Jeremy! 639 00:29:05,962 --> 00:29:08,382 Jeremy! Jeremy! 640 00:29:08,465 --> 00:29:11,926 Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy! 641 00:29:31,905 --> 00:29:33,699 I've known Jeremy for years. 642 00:29:33,782 --> 00:29:35,325 - We're really close. - I've known him longer. 643 00:29:35,408 --> 00:29:36,576 He's my best friend. 644 00:29:36,659 --> 00:29:38,328 I've been dating Jeremy since the sixth grade. 645 00:29:38,411 --> 00:29:41,498 Jeremy's wealthy parents are taking us to Europe this summer. 646 00:29:41,581 --> 00:29:44,626 Jeremy blew me at a sleepover and told me not to tell anyone. 647 00:29:48,088 --> 00:29:49,256 Well, hey there, everybody. 648 00:29:49,339 --> 00:29:50,590 I was just in the bathroom 649 00:29:50,673 --> 00:29:52,718 relieving myself of the day's waste. 650 00:29:52,801 --> 00:29:54,428 Kind of a rough one, as you can see. 651 00:29:54,511 --> 00:29:55,721 What's going on out here? 652 00:29:55,804 --> 00:29:56,763 Oh, hey, John. 653 00:29:56,846 --> 00:29:58,515 Jeremy, that kid we go to school with 654 00:29:58,598 --> 00:29:59,933 made a badass jump, 655 00:30:00,016 --> 00:30:01,059 and now everyone's saying 656 00:30:01,142 --> 00:30:02,436 they did anal with him and stuff. 657 00:30:02,519 --> 00:30:03,854 Now, that is crazy, 658 00:30:03,937 --> 00:30:05,564 'cause I saw Jeremy this morning, 659 00:30:05,647 --> 00:30:08,149 and he gave me this letter in case he died. 660 00:30:12,779 --> 00:30:15,073 "To whom it may concern, 661 00:30:15,156 --> 00:30:18,618 I called the phone sex line 1-900-HOT-BUTT." 662 00:30:18,701 --> 00:30:21,038 "I can't live with the shame, 663 00:30:21,121 --> 00:30:25,250 so I wanted to perform one last awesome act, 664 00:30:25,333 --> 00:30:27,252 then disappear into hiding. 665 00:30:27,335 --> 00:30:30,338 Sincerely, Jeremy Schwarzfinger." 666 00:30:32,048 --> 00:30:34,217 Seems I owe you boys an apology. 667 00:30:34,300 --> 00:30:36,053 Yeah, you were a real fuckin' dick. 668 00:30:36,136 --> 00:30:39,055 And you got totally proved wrong in front of the whole school. 669 00:30:39,973 --> 00:30:42,350 I will find you, Jeremy. 670 00:30:43,226 --> 00:30:45,312 If it takes me the rest of my days, 671 00:30:45,395 --> 00:30:46,730 I will find you… 672 00:30:47,814 --> 00:30:48,982 and I will kill you. 673 00:30:53,319 --> 00:30:55,822 Well, Teddy, looks like we did it. 674 00:30:56,698 --> 00:30:57,949 Let's go. 675 00:31:03,663 --> 00:31:06,583 Do you understand why your mother and your sister 676 00:31:06,666 --> 00:31:08,001 feel this way, though? 677 00:31:08,084 --> 00:31:10,087 Yes, I do. They worry about me. 678 00:31:10,170 --> 00:31:11,797 But it's time that I… I mature… 679 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:12,756 Hey. … and I have to learn 680 00:31:12,839 --> 00:31:13,882 from my experiences. 681 00:31:13,965 --> 00:31:15,133 Hey. Sally Jessy Raphael: Okay. 682 00:31:15,216 --> 00:31:17,135 - Beer? - Sure. 683 00:31:18,678 --> 00:31:19,763 You said, uh… 684 00:31:19,846 --> 00:31:21,098 Do you have respect for yourself? 685 00:31:21,181 --> 00:31:22,474 Yes, I do. 686 00:31:22,557 --> 00:31:23,684 If you dress like that, you don't. 687 00:31:23,767 --> 00:31:25,352 Because I have… 688 00:31:25,435 --> 00:31:26,728 Right? 689 00:31:27,270 --> 00:31:29,356 I have two daughters, 22 and 30… 690 00:31:29,439 --> 00:31:32,150 Still can't stop thinking about the look on my brother's face 691 00:31:32,233 --> 00:31:33,902 when you threw that casserole at him. 692 00:31:35,528 --> 00:31:36,528 Pretty fuckin' good. 693 00:31:37,906 --> 00:31:39,533 I was gonna give him the business, 694 00:31:39,616 --> 00:31:41,701 but you beat me to it. 695 00:31:42,786 --> 00:31:44,913 - Yeah. - Bennetts, right? 696 00:31:45,580 --> 00:31:48,041 We… We fuckin' love messing with each other, right? 697 00:31:48,750 --> 00:31:49,960 We sure do. 698 00:31:50,043 --> 00:31:51,628 You're also going to meet a mother 699 00:31:51,711 --> 00:31:54,464 who says her daughter dresses and acts like such a tramp… 700 00:31:54,547 --> 00:31:56,925 - Hey, Matty? - Yeah. 701 00:31:58,385 --> 00:31:59,803 I'm glad I'm here. 702 00:32:05,475 --> 00:32:07,560 Hey, did you hear about this kid, Jeremy?