Where does this guy live anyway?
- Brookline. - Man, he must be fuckin' loaded.
Goddamn right he's loaded.
He's a big shot lawyer.
Guy's got more money than he knows what to do with.
Well, how long's this gonna take?
Jerry Springer's got white supremacists on,
and those are always the best ones.
I think they intentionally find the lightest chairs.
It'll take the time it takes.
Jesus Christ, how many times have I asked you
to come and help me on a job?
- Five thousand. - That's right. Zero.
This is a very important client.
So when we're there, no screwin' around.
Hey, Johnny, when we get there, let's screw around.
Man, you weren't joking, dad.
This guy's driveway is the length of our street.
Yeah, well, big house, big lawn, big problems.
What problems?
Well, with the house so far back from the street,
they're probably not tied into the city sewage line.
I bet you $20 they had to put a septic tank up there.
No. Thank you.
You're jealous.
- No, I'm not. - You are.
You're jealous of their money,
and now you're jealous of their poop.
I am not jealous of their poop.
It gets its own private tank. And that drives you crazy.
That's elite poop.
You guys want me to turn this car around
right now, huh?
Want me to take you both home
right fuckin' now?
- Oh, yeah. - Actually, yeah.
- Yeah. - Yeah, that'd be fantastic.
Well, I'm not gonna.
Their poop is better than your body.
Shut up!
Hi, I'm Matty Bennett.
I'm here to install the wireless dog fence.
Oh, yes. Of course.
I'm Mrs. Robichek. My husband said you'd be by.
But I'm afraid he's already left.
But feel free to get started.
All right. Well, I can install the fence today
and fit the collar next week.
That's perfect.
We're getting the dog on Thursday.
By the way, you probably get this a lot,
but, uh, are you guys tied
to the city sewage line, or do you have a septic tank?
I don't know.
Huh.
Well, rich or poor,
we all spend two hours a day on the toilet.
Stool's the great equalizer.
Benjamin Franklin said that.
In fact, until 1940,
that's what it said on the back of the dime.
Well, you can get started.
Hey, there. Can I get you boys some iced tea?
Uh…
Johnny! Move it!
We got work to do.
Jesus Christ.
I've never seen a woman that beautiful
in my entire life.
Well, don't look now, but she's staring at you.
- What? Seriously? - I said don't look!
Hey, you know what? Take your shirt off.
What? No. Why?
You know why she's looking at you?
'Cause her husband's probably
some fuckin' old hairy guy.
His back probably looks like
the floor of a barbershop, but you,
you're sleek and hairless, like a baby dolphin.
Hey, I got some chest hairs coming in.
Bullshit. You're about as hairy as a pack of batteries.
Come on, give her a show.
Oh, fuck off!
Aha! I found the septic line.
They probably have a tank over there
with a 12-inch pipe splitting off to all the toilets.
Think they're too good to mix with our stools?
Well, I'll show them.
What does he mean by "I'll show them"?
Whatever it is, we should probably be prepared to testify.
Johnny.
- Johnny. - What?
Oh.
Oh, I was dreaming about Mrs. Robichek.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, we were in this, uh,
this colonial village, and she was just there
churning butter.
It was so hot.
And I was there jerking off at it.
- At it? - Yeah. Why?
That's a, that's just a weird preposition.
Makes it sound like you're firing cum at her.
Jerking off about it?
I don't know, they both sound wrong.
Also, last week, didn't you have a dream
where Cindy Crawford was naked
and she said, "I want you so bad,"
so you ran home and jacked off?
Yeah, that was so hot.
But, like, in your dream,
you went home and jacked off
Like, you're supposed to actually get laid
in your dreams, but you went home.
Yeah, I, I didn't have a condom.
- What was I supposed to do? - What?
I don't wanna get her pregnant
and derail her modeling career.
It's your dream.
She should be doing whatever the hell you want.
She was cool when I helped her move.
In your fucking dream?
I gotta go back to sleep and drive her to the airport.
I think you're being taken advantage of.
I'll tell you who's getting taken advantage of:
Cindy Crawford,
in my fantasy, while I'm jacking off in my dream.
Jesus.
You're like the Philip K. Dick of dicks.
How about that? No.
You got it.
I can't.
Oh.
Fuckin' forget it.
- It's all right, Matty. - No, it's not all right, Susan.
it's fuckin' humiliating.
Maybe you're just tired or stressed.
Of course I'm stressed.
I'm working my ass off day in and day out,
and we're still barely scraping by.
Who the fuck wouldn't be stressed?
Have you tried thinking about Carl Yastrzemski?
It's the first thing I did.
What about Reagan
when he asked Gorbachev to tear down the wall?
Nothing.
"Well, Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down that wall."
Susan, I don't want to think about things going down.
Maybe you should call the doctor.
You know, we may be in the financial shithouse.
We got one thing going for us.
We're still on the city sewage line.
Whatever comes out of us, one flush
and it's off our plate.
You should call the doctor.
Hello.
Mr. Bennett,
this is Mrs. Robichek from yesterday.
Oh. Hey. Everything workin' okay?
Oh, everything's fine, but I feel so stupid.
I wrote your check from the wrong account.
Would it be possible for me to give you a new one?
Yeah. No problem.
I-I'll send Johnny over.
Um, would you mind sending over
the little bear instead?
Whatever you say.
Hey, Ted!
Well, I don't understand. Why'd she ask for you?
I don't know, maybe she's looking for the scoop on you.
Maybe she wants to bang you, and she thinks I'm your pimp.
Why would she think that?
'Cause I'm always wearing fur
and you look like a bitch.
- What? - Or maybe she wants you,
but she wants to make sure you won't blab about it.
Well, tell her I can keep a secret and then do this.
Yeah, that's, uh… No fingers.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Oh, what if I just go
ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah?
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Man. Can't believe pretty soon
I'm gonna be looking at a woman,
then running home to jerk off in real life.
Uh, hello?
Hello, Theodore.
Oh, uh, it's, it's just Ted.
I'm sure everybody calls you Ted.
I wanna have a special name for you
that only I get to use.
I like… Theodore.
Yeah. Um, Matty says I'm supposed to pick up a check.
Yes, you are.
That's a pretty weird place to keep a checkbook.
Ah, thanks.
Wow. That's the good stuff, huh?
Oh, we have the good stuff, all right.
Expensive liquor, expensive food,
expensive furniture.
- We even have outdoor pillows. - Wow.
And we don't even bring them in at night.
Fuck me.
But there's never anyone here to enjoy it with me.
I get so lonely rattling around this big ol' place.
Yeah, I was just, uh, saying that yesterday
to my, uh, coworker.
Oh, yes, there was that other fellow.
What was his name again?
I, I forget his name, actually.
He's just one of the guys from the crew.
You know, married, big family, AIDS.
Even when my husband is here, he's not really here.
He's always off working,
always off in his head somewhere.
You know what I mean?
Ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah.
- What? - Nothing.
That was just so I don't have to lie to a friend.
You look tense.
Here, let me help.
Oh.
Ohh, shit.
Just relax.
Hey. You-your, uh, your husband's not home, right?
Nobody here but us chickens.
Cluck, cluck.
Well, I hope you like sucking…
- What? - Sorry, this is
my first chicken-themed flirt.
I was just trying stuff out.
Come here.
I can't believe you missed your flight.
Mrs. Robichek is a goddess.
How'd it go?
Oh, it went, buddy, it went.
Well, did you talk me up?
Johnny, I tried, I really tried,
but she just did not care.
Uh, I don't know, there's some rumor
going around town that you got AIDS.
M-maybe that was a factor, I don't know.
It was just very little interest.
Oh. On the other hand,
guess who has two thumbs,
no fingers, and just made out with Mrs. Robichek.
What? You're kiddin'.
I don't know what happened.
I walk in the door, and next thing I know,
half my face is in her mouth.
Hey, listen, don't be mad at me, okay?
- Mad? Teddy, this is epic. - I know, right?
And I'm gonna see her again tomorrow.
You gotta tell me what happens.
Oh, I will.
Meantime, I hope your dad doesn't try
to smell this check.
So, what is it today, Matty? Pooping too much or not at all?
No, no, nothing like that. It's something embarrassing.
What's the problem?
The corn ain't growing.
You… you know, you know what I'm telling you?
I can't raise the flag over Fort Balls.
Jesus Christ, my wang won't work.
Ah. Is this a urinary issue?
Oh! I wish.
I-I can piss like a racehorse,
but I couldn't get an erection if you put a knife to my throat.
Well, we'll never know that for sure.
Now, we can treat the physical causes of impotence,
but there's usually a psychological component as well.
Are you under any elevated stress?
Yeah. Not being able to get a boner
is pretty fuckin' stressful!
Yes, it is.
And then that stress will prevent you
from getting another one.
It's a paradox we call Schrödinger's boner.
Did you even go to medical school?
Worry a little less about me, limp dick.
Blaire, I need a favor.
Um, knock, please.
Look, I'm not gonna bore you with the details,
but I need to borrow your car.
Okay, well, a few details wouldn't hurt.
Why do you need my car?
Okay, so two days ago,
me and Teddy helped Dad out
with a big job over in Brookline,
and there was this smoking hot woman, Blaire.
And I had to go back over there yesterday
to get the check, and let's just say
I ended up getting a lot more than a check.
And now he's been invited back
for sexual seconds.
Wow. Okay.
Uh, what's her name?
Her name is Mrs. Robichek.
Wait. What? She's married?
Well, yeah, but I'm assuming not happily,
or she wouldn't have stuck her tongue down my throat.
Ted, you can't be party to an affair.
Uh, you're messing with someone's life.
You're in the middle of someone's marriage.
I'm not gonna get in the middle of nothing
if you don't loan me your car.
What about Mr. Robichek?
Have you thought about him?
Oh, my God, you're right.
I need a lookout.
No, he is a human being,
and you could ruin his life.
Well, only if he finds out.
Johnny, would you sit in Blaire's car and be my lookout
while I have dirty bear sex with Mrs. Robichek?
Teddy, It would be my honor.
Ted, you asked me for a favor, so I'm going to do you a favor.
No, you cannot borrow my car.
Blaire, if you wanted to borrow my car
so you could go over to some guy's house
and have him knock the bottom out of you, I'd do it.
Knock the bottom out?
I don't know, my mind's messed up
'cause I should be over there knocking bottom out.
Please leave my room.
Matty, how'd it go at the doctor?
Doc says there's nothing physically wrong with me.
- Oh. - Says I should,
I should see a shrink.
Oh, well, that might not be such a bad idea.
- Yeah. Me neither. - Uh-huh.
You know, why can't I get a fuckin' break, Susan?
You know, it's just one goddamn thing after another.
You know that, that Robichek guy,
he's got his own septic tank.
Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah, sure,
sure, we all pretend that it's better
to be on the city sewage,
but the fact is, he's rolling in fuckin' clover.
You know, he's my age.
Yeah, we're the same goddamn age.
Look at his life and look at mine.
Maybe I don't want my shit going off to the city.
Maybe I want it staying right here
under this goddamn house.
Matty, you have a wonderful life.
Half of my paycheck and all of my turds
are going to the fucking government.
We have such a beautiful house.
I try holding it in, but I'm weak, Susan.
I wouldn't want to live anywhere else.
Oh, forget it. I'm going to watch the game.
I'm making pie.
- Uh, hey, Dad. - What?
Can we borrow the car?
I'm involved with a married woman,
and I want to go over to her house
and fuck her while her husband's not home.
Fine.
Uh… thanks.
Zestfully clean, my ass.
Okay, if you see anybody, lay on the horn hard.
Got it.
You're a real pal, Johnny. You know that?
Hey, a detailed description of every nuance
of Mrs. Robichek's naked body, and we're even.
What if there's, like, a weird mole?
I wanna know about it.
- And you should tell her. - Okay.
Ask her if it's changed recently.
I'll keep an eye out for anything
with irregular edges.
And before you leave, make sure
to tell her to start wearing sunscreen.
- Even on cloudy days. - Especially on cloudy days.
God, does this woman have cancer?
Well, hello there, Theodore.
I was just about to run a bath.
Oh. Well, I can come back.
Oh, no need to leave.
Well, I don't wanna be just sitting around like…
Ohh. A sex bath.
- Hey, can I ask you something? - Sure.
I mean, you're so gorgeous. You could have any guy you want.
- Why me? - Can I confide in you?
You can do anything you want in me.
I learned on a teddy bear.
He was soft and cuddly but had this hard little nose.
Well, I'll tell you, my nose is rock hard right now.
You know what? I think that's enough talking.
Arlene.
Can I ask you about something?
Sure, Susan.
I don't know how to say this…
it's between you, me, and the apple tree.
Matty has a problem.
Aw. This?
Oh, no.
Well, yes, but also in the bedroom.
Ohh.
Too much or too little?
None at all.
He can't…
You know how sometimes when your foot falls asleep,
even if you think about Carl Yastrzemski?
And the doctor says nothing's wrong with him.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah, well, unfortunately, honey, this one's on you to fix.
I've been trying.
I opened up a fresh egg of pantyhose the other day,
he didn't even notice.
Take a look at this.
Oh, Arlene, I couldn't read a Cosmopolitan.
- Why not? - We're Catholic.
Susan, there's a lot of good stuff in there.
It can point you in the right direction.
"Ten titillations to liven up your lovemaking."
You take that home with you.
My guess is there's something in there
that'll help solve your problem.
Gonna have to hide this so Matty doesn't find it.
Do what I do. Put it near the broom.
Oh. Arlene Goldbaum, you're one hot ticket.
Oh.
Wow, where'd you get a robe my size?
I had a four-year-old son who died.
Wh… What?
I'm kidding.
All right, one red flag, but you're still pretty hot.
No, actually, I had the seamstress
whip it up this morning,
and I have something else for you too.
Wh… What is it?
I thought we could take this to the next level.
Well, you know, the Hasbro Corporation
left out one little detail.
I thought of that.
Hurry up. I wanna see it.
Hang on. Just gettin' it on here.
It does go on the front, right?
Mm.
That was mind-blowing.
Sorry I came so fast.
No, seriously, I particularly like the part
where you spun me around like a steering wheel.
Hmm. I call that the ten and two.
The ten and two. Nice.
Next time, how about you wear the dog collar,
fuck me near the electric fence?
Well, that's a second red flag, but, hey, still hot.
Blaire?
Oh. Hey, Aunt Suse.
You have a minute?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Sorry to bother you, but I need some advice.
Of course. What's up?
Matty's been having a problem.
Okay. What kind of problem?
It's a personal issue in his bathing suit area.
- Oh. - And I've been looking through
this article on ways to help,
but I don't even know what most of these things mean.
Yeah, if… if you promise to never use the phrase,
"Matty's bathing suit area" again, I will help you.
Okay. Okay.
Um, these are called kinks.
Well, some of these things don't seem so bad.
A pearl necklace, a facial.
Sounds like a day of pampering.
Yeah, that's not… Day at the spa.
No. It's not what that is at all.
Now, do people really do this one?
I mean, um, I'm sure someone, somewhere.
I've never even made a fist in anger, let alone…
Let's keep looking down this list.
What's a golden shower?
That is when you go to the bathroom on your partner.
- Oh, my! - Yeah.
Would we need our own septic tank?
Okay. What else?
What else is on the list?
Exhibitionism.
Is that like at a museum?
No, that's when, uh,
you are intimate with someone watching.
I wonder if Matty would like someone else watching.
I don't know.
I imagine it'd have to
be a Republican.
You know what? I have an idea.
Why don't we put this away and never look at it again?
All right. Okay.
What's a ten and two?
Oh, shit!
Oh, balls!
Why would you do that?
I am so sorry. I-I didn't see you.
Look at my groceries. I'll-I'll get 'em.
Ugh! Jesus.
Did you buy anything that isn't round?
Fuck you!
You know, I hope you don't think
this is too sudden of me, but…
doll's voice: I love you.
Aw. That's sweet.
And that's literally from the heart.
You know,
as crazy as it sounds, Mrs. Robichek,
I really am falling in love with you.
And I don't even know your first name.
You don't?
That's insane.
Well, Theodore, my name is…
Mr. Hon? I'm home.
Oh, my God, that's my husband.
He wasn't supposed to be back till tomorrow.
Shit, shit, shit, shit! What do we do?
Fuckin' thing won't come off.
Mr. Where are you?
Um… I'm-I'm upstairs.
Quick, get under the bed.
- Where is he? - What are you talking about?
Don't. There are two half-empty glasses downstairs.
Two cigarette butts in the ashtray.
- Where the fuck is he? - I can explain.
I'm gonna kill you, you motherfucker!
- You in here? - David, please.
Is he in the bathroom? Huh?
You in the bathroom, you little shit? Huh?
Mrs. Go, go, go.
I swear to Christ, you better tell me where he is
or I'm gonna…
What the fuck is this?
Is that pervert's idea of a romantic gift? Huh?
A teddy bear with a dick on it?
Jesus Christ, Charlotte.
Charlotte?
Mr. I know he's in here.
When I get my hands on that motherfucker,
- I'm gonna… - What? You'll what, David?
Reschedule a conference call?
Cancel a meeting? Ignore your pager?
You won't do shit.
And for your information,
that motherfucker is more of a man in bed
than you'll ever be.
You think about that.
You're probably right.
I need a drink.
Aw, shit.
I'll keep him busy.
Give me about a minute
and then sneak out the front door.
Got it.
All right, here we go. Sorry.
About time. Jesus!
Pinball and soda pop
has turned all you kids into assholes!
- Uh, David… - Don't say anything. Please.
Let's not embarrass ourselves any more than we already have.
That's him.
I'm gonna kill that motherfucker!
David, wait!
Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny, start the car!
What the fuck is that?
Big purple dick. Go, go, go!
We gotta get the fuck outta here!
You motherfucker!
PMN 653.
She's flying it. She's flying it herself.
Climb, baby, climb.
Gloria Swanson: The mountains.
We're so close.
Can I help you?
I figured you'd look like that.
Just a primitive ball of muscle.
Wait, you… you're David Robichek,
the-the-the big shot lawyer.
Yep. And you're Matt Bennett.
That's your car parked outside, right?
Yeah. I-I just installed your wireless fence.
Based on what my wife told me, you did a lot more than that.
Oh, yeah, well, I, I checked out the plumbing in the back.
You know, poked around a little bit.
- You son of a bitch! - Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to see where the poop goes.
Your wife seemed fine with it.
- Okay, stop it! - Okay.
I just need to know your secret.
My secret?
What makes you such an incredible lover?
I mean, how do you cast such a spell over women?
- Um… - You know what? I'll pay you.
I'll pay you $1,000 to watch.
To, to watch what?
Fine, I'll pay you $5,000.
But not with my wife. I don't think I can handle that.
Ok… Am… am I missing something here?
Oh, Jesus Christ, do I have to spell it out for you?
I will pay you $5,000 to watch you
- have sex with your wife. - What?
I could be mad at you,
but I'm not.
Truth is, I'm envious.
You're obviously a stallion of some kind, and I'm… not.
I wanna learn from a master.
Five grand?
Would you excuse me?
Uh… Susan?
- Yeah. - Um…
I'm gonna ask you something, and it may scare you at first,
but before you say no, just think about it.
What is it?
Would you…
have sex with me while another guy watches?
Oh, Matty!
Of course I would!
Really? Oh!
Thank you, Cosmopolitan.
I'm ready. Can you find it?
I'll just move it a little. Yeah.
Mr. Robichek, would you like some coffee?
No, I'm fine. I'm just here to watch the sex.
All right, well, here we go.
And that oughta do it.
That's it?
That's how my dad showed me.
Now I'm more confused than ever.
Matty.
You're all better.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh. I love you so much.
Well, same here.
And I want you to know, whatever kinks you may have,
you can always tell me.
Jesus Christ, Susan.
Why do you gotta ruin everything?
Wow, you look fantastic.
Ted, what are you doing here?
Look, I had to come here and tell you.
I really am in love with you.
And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Which could possibly be, like, a thousand years.
We ain't really figured that one out yet.
But I can be a better man to you than he ever could.
Ted… I can't.
What? Is this because I took that eight dollars?
- What? - Oh, uh… It's…
Never mind. Nothing.
Look, you're very sweet.
And what we had was fun and wonderful.
But David and I are gonna try and make things work.
But he's an asshole.
You've only seen one side of him.
I went up on you.
David came home last night remorseful and contrite.
He told me he still loves me more than life itself.
And something else about having no idea
the sexual bar was so low.
But anyway,
he's my husband, and I'm gonna keep him.
- But… - I know you'll find
that special person that you can share your life with.
She'll be all yours, not someone else's.
Mr. You good, hon?
Um, I'll be ready in a minute.
Mr. Who's at the door?
Mrs. It's nobody, sweetheart.
Goodbye, Ted.
I'll never find anybody else.
There'll never be another Mrs. Robichek.
Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
I wish you'd never wished me alive.
I can't handle the agony.
Everything's gonna be okay. All right? You'll see.
No. There will never be another woman for me.
Not ever.
I never saw Mrs. Robichek again after that.
I heard she and her husband moved to Barcelona.
Eventually my pain subsided.
And then one day years later, at an adults-only flea market,
who did I run into
but the old purple dildo.
He had some scratches and a few dog bites.
But it was him, all right.
We exchanged a few laughs
and then went our separate ways.
We didn't say goodbye, though.
I guess we both wanted to keep the door open.
Occasionally I'll put an ad in the classifieds,
see if he answers.
You ever feel like you don't know
when to stop talking?