1 00:00:32,018 --> 00:00:34,562 Is there someone present in this house? 2 00:00:35,021 --> 00:00:36,689 Is there a spirit here? 3 00:00:38,650 --> 00:00:39,901 Oh. 4 00:00:39,984 --> 00:00:40,902 I just wanna point out you got 5 00:00:40,985 --> 00:00:42,446 a fuckin' talkin' teddy bear here. 6 00:00:42,529 --> 00:00:43,822 A ghost ain't that big a deal. 7 00:00:43,905 --> 00:00:45,240 Shh. Quiet. 8 00:00:46,074 --> 00:00:48,034 Will you answer our questions? 9 00:00:50,078 --> 00:00:52,789 How many times a day does Johnny jerk off? 10 00:00:52,872 --> 00:00:53,872 Fuck you, man. 11 00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:57,294 Eighty-seven? 12 00:00:57,377 --> 00:00:59,004 Oh, hang on, he's heading for the zero. 13 00:00:59,087 --> 00:01:00,505 All right, fuck this. This is bullshit. 14 00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:02,507 He said, storming off to masturbate. 15 00:01:03,174 --> 00:01:05,510 Whoa. Hey, Blaire, what's all that? 16 00:01:05,593 --> 00:01:06,678 Oh, just some booze 17 00:01:06,761 --> 00:01:08,347 for my birthday party tomorrow night. 18 00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:09,431 That's a lot of alcohol. 19 00:01:09,514 --> 00:01:11,600 Yeah, well, you know, college crowd. 20 00:01:11,683 --> 00:01:13,477 Hey, Blaire, do you think maybe me and Teddy 21 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,436 could steal a couple beers? 22 00:01:14,519 --> 00:01:15,437 Oh, yeah! 23 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,439 Ha! Hilarious. 24 00:01:17,522 --> 00:01:18,815 - No. - Oh, come on. 25 00:01:18,898 --> 00:01:20,776 We'll wait until Mom and Dad are asleep to drink 'em. 26 00:01:20,859 --> 00:01:23,153 And… And we'll do it all in our room so no one will know. 27 00:01:23,236 --> 00:01:24,655 The ghosts will know. 28 00:01:24,738 --> 00:01:25,989 The ghosts have seen my asshole. 29 00:01:26,072 --> 00:01:27,699 Why do I care if they see me drink a beer? 30 00:01:27,782 --> 00:01:29,993 Wait. Why'd you show 'em your asshole? 31 00:01:30,076 --> 00:01:31,076 They asked. 32 00:01:31,745 --> 00:01:34,080 Sometimes I use the board when you guys aren't around. 33 00:01:43,757 --> 00:01:45,717 Happy birthday, Blaire. 34 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,803 Blow out your candles. 35 00:01:47,886 --> 00:01:49,304 Oh, for God's sakes, do you have to do this 36 00:01:49,387 --> 00:01:50,472 every fuckin' year? 37 00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:52,224 It's his birthday too, damn it. 38 00:01:52,307 --> 00:01:53,725 I'm sorry, Blaire. 39 00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:55,310 Matty insisted. 40 00:01:55,393 --> 00:01:56,853 You have the same birthday as Reagan? 41 00:01:56,936 --> 00:01:58,146 Yes, and I don't need 42 00:01:58,229 --> 00:02:00,148 to be constantly fucking reminded of it. 43 00:02:00,231 --> 00:02:01,525 Hey, watch your mouth. 44 00:02:01,608 --> 00:02:03,151 You're talking about the greatest fuckin' president 45 00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:04,236 this country's ever had. 46 00:02:04,319 --> 00:02:05,362 That doesn't mean you need to leave 47 00:02:05,445 --> 00:02:06,655 an empty seat for him every year. 48 00:02:06,738 --> 00:02:08,365 Like he's fuckin' Elijah the prophet. 49 00:02:08,448 --> 00:02:10,242 It's like the ghost is sitting there. 50 00:02:10,325 --> 00:02:11,159 What ghost? 51 00:02:11,242 --> 00:02:12,327 Blaire has a Ouija board, 52 00:02:12,410 --> 00:02:13,495 and we were talking to a ghost, 53 00:02:13,578 --> 00:02:14,871 and it watches Johnny jerk off 54 00:02:14,954 --> 00:02:16,081 and he showed it his butthole. 55 00:02:16,164 --> 00:02:17,416 Blaire, I don't like having 56 00:02:17,499 --> 00:02:19,835 a Ouija board in this house. 57 00:02:19,918 --> 00:02:21,336 We're churchgoing people. 58 00:02:21,419 --> 00:02:24,339 Okay, listen, thank you so much for the cake. 59 00:02:24,422 --> 00:02:26,091 Really, I… I do appreciate it. 60 00:02:27,342 --> 00:02:29,511 I'll have some of it later, but right now, 61 00:02:29,594 --> 00:02:31,513 me and Sarah are gonna go up and get ready for the party. 62 00:02:31,596 --> 00:02:33,849 - Okay. - Just keep the noise down, huh? 63 00:02:33,932 --> 00:02:37,227 Oh, come on, Matty. It's her birthday. 64 00:02:37,310 --> 00:02:38,770 Hey, hey. Don't sit. That's for Reagan! 65 00:02:40,939 --> 00:02:42,774 That… That's for Reagan. 66 00:03:03,962 --> 00:03:06,172 Oh, man, these chicks are so hot. 67 00:03:07,674 --> 00:03:09,092 Oh, God. 68 00:03:09,175 --> 00:03:11,386 Shouldn't her vagina be starting? 69 00:03:11,845 --> 00:03:13,597 - Huh? - She's pulling way down there. 70 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,640 It should be starting. There's nothing there. 71 00:03:15,723 --> 00:03:16,808 Oh, yeah. Look at that. 72 00:03:16,891 --> 00:03:18,935 I'm gonna write a letter to these bums. 73 00:03:19,978 --> 00:03:21,605 Dear Sports Illustrated, 74 00:03:21,688 --> 00:03:25,233 the woman on page 64 has no vagina. 75 00:03:25,316 --> 00:03:27,611 You have got some nerve. 76 00:03:27,694 --> 00:03:29,738 I have drawn a sketch to indicate 77 00:03:29,821 --> 00:03:31,490 what I feel we are owed. 78 00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:33,492 Sincerely, Jason Bateman. 79 00:03:33,575 --> 00:03:35,410 Oh, man. This sucks. 80 00:03:35,493 --> 00:03:36,912 I'm 17 years old. 81 00:03:36,995 --> 00:03:39,498 It's Friday night, and there's beer in my house 82 00:03:39,581 --> 00:03:40,749 and I can't get to it. 83 00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:43,460 Hey, you know, I could probably go get some. 84 00:03:43,543 --> 00:03:44,836 - How? - Well, that room's 85 00:03:44,919 --> 00:03:45,962 probably packed with people. 86 00:03:46,045 --> 00:03:47,464 Nobody's gonna notice a guy my size 87 00:03:47,547 --> 00:03:48,757 slippin' in and slippin' out. 88 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,258 You really think you can do it? 89 00:03:50,341 --> 00:03:52,469 Does Magic Johnson have AIDS? 90 00:03:52,552 --> 00:03:54,262 - What the fuck? - What? 91 00:03:54,345 --> 00:03:56,306 What the fuck kind of response is that? 92 00:03:56,389 --> 00:03:58,433 - What? I'm saying yes. - Then just say yes. 93 00:03:58,516 --> 00:03:59,601 - I did. - No, you didn't. 94 00:03:59,684 --> 00:04:01,311 You said, "Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?" 95 00:04:01,394 --> 00:04:03,313 - I never said that. - You literally just said it. 96 00:04:03,396 --> 00:04:04,648 Okay, I did, but you laughed. 97 00:04:04,731 --> 00:04:05,731 No, I didn't. 98 00:04:06,566 --> 00:04:08,193 I feel like we're growing apart. 99 00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:15,325 Jesus Christ, would you listen to that? 100 00:04:15,408 --> 00:04:17,995 Sounds like they're having a goddamn or-gee. 101 00:04:18,078 --> 00:04:20,455 I think it's pronounced "orjy." 102 00:04:20,538 --> 00:04:23,166 No, no, you're thinking of "orijami." 103 00:04:23,249 --> 00:04:24,249 What's that? 104 00:04:25,043 --> 00:04:26,795 That's that… that thing where the Japanese 105 00:04:26,878 --> 00:04:28,005 fuck around with paper. 106 00:04:28,088 --> 00:04:29,172 Keep it down! 107 00:04:29,255 --> 00:04:32,509 Oh, they're just havin' fun. 108 00:04:32,592 --> 00:04:34,970 Remember when we were her age? No. 109 00:04:35,053 --> 00:04:37,472 - We'd go to parties. - Yeah, that was different. 110 00:04:37,555 --> 00:04:38,890 We… We were doing the Twist. 111 00:04:38,973 --> 00:04:41,059 These degenerates are doing the Lambada. 112 00:04:41,142 --> 00:04:42,310 Oh. Matt… 113 00:04:42,393 --> 00:04:43,520 It's forbidden, Susan. 114 00:04:43,603 --> 00:04:47,065 We were young and passionate. 115 00:04:47,148 --> 00:04:49,234 Do you ever miss it? Even just a little? 116 00:04:49,317 --> 00:04:50,485 No. 117 00:04:52,487 --> 00:04:54,406 - Matty. - What? 118 00:04:54,906 --> 00:04:55,907 Do you love me? 119 00:04:56,825 --> 00:04:58,493 What the hell kinda question is that, Susan? 120 00:04:58,576 --> 00:04:59,828 Of course I do. 121 00:04:59,911 --> 00:05:01,079 It's just… 122 00:05:01,830 --> 00:05:04,207 I never know what you're feeling anymore. 123 00:05:04,290 --> 00:05:05,500 I feel fine. 124 00:05:06,459 --> 00:05:09,338 But you like your life with me? 125 00:05:09,421 --> 00:05:10,339 Yeah. 126 00:05:10,422 --> 00:05:12,174 It's okay to share your feelings. 127 00:05:12,257 --> 00:05:13,342 Jesus Christ, Susan, 128 00:05:13,425 --> 00:05:15,051 I'm ju… I'm just trying to read here. 129 00:05:17,971 --> 00:05:20,557 - Are your stools any better? - Fuckin' awful. 130 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,934 Just piles of eyebrows for three days. 131 00:05:23,017 --> 00:05:25,770 - Oh, I'm sorry. - You know what? 132 00:05:26,104 --> 00:05:28,106 I'm gonna try and coax one out right now. 133 00:05:35,447 --> 00:05:37,032 Oh. 134 00:05:37,115 --> 00:05:38,909 Oh, Christ. Susan. 135 00:05:38,992 --> 00:05:42,287 Call the doctor. Ask why diarrhea would be white. 136 00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:51,254 Um, so, what did your parents say? 137 00:05:51,337 --> 00:05:53,548 Um… 138 00:05:53,631 --> 00:05:55,675 nothing. I di… I didn't tell them. 139 00:05:56,301 --> 00:05:57,636 Are you fucking kidding me? 140 00:05:57,719 --> 00:05:59,388 Sarah, we… we talked about this. 141 00:05:59,471 --> 00:06:01,264 I know, I know. I'm sorry. 142 00:06:01,347 --> 00:06:03,892 This was the only thing I wanted for my birthday. 143 00:06:03,975 --> 00:06:06,269 Blaire, they're just not ready, okay? 144 00:06:06,352 --> 00:06:08,397 We'd be saving ourselves. 145 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,732 You are such a hypocrite. 146 00:06:10,815 --> 00:06:12,776 You… You sat in that bed right there 147 00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:14,903 and gave me shit for not telling Matty and Susan. 148 00:06:14,986 --> 00:06:17,322 Well, maybe I was fucking wrong. 149 00:06:17,405 --> 00:06:18,782 Maybe it wasn't a good idea. 150 00:06:18,865 --> 00:06:20,826 No, no. It was. 151 00:06:20,909 --> 00:06:22,119 And I did it. 152 00:06:22,202 --> 00:06:24,955 And, yeah, it was fuckin' hard as shit, 153 00:06:25,038 --> 00:06:26,498 but I did it. 154 00:06:26,581 --> 00:06:28,417 And eventually they understood. 155 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,919 And so will your parents. No. It's different. 156 00:06:31,002 --> 00:06:32,754 That's so not fair. 157 00:06:32,837 --> 00:06:34,756 Blaire, I'm just protecting us. 158 00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:37,426 No, I don't need your fucking protection, okay? 159 00:06:37,509 --> 00:06:41,304 I put myself out there in front of my family for you, 160 00:06:41,387 --> 00:06:42,931 and I deserve that same respect. 161 00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:45,725 It's not the right time. 162 00:06:47,852 --> 00:06:49,104 Fuck you then. 163 00:06:49,187 --> 00:06:50,188 Excuse me? 164 00:06:50,271 --> 00:06:53,692 - I'm… I'm sorry. - No. It's fine. 165 00:06:53,775 --> 00:06:54,943 I'll see you later. 166 00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:56,445 No. Sarah, wait. 167 00:06:56,528 --> 00:06:57,987 Happy birthday. 168 00:07:01,366 --> 00:07:02,534 Fuck! 169 00:07:07,914 --> 00:07:09,207 Ah, fuck. 170 00:07:10,708 --> 00:07:11,876 Hey. 171 00:07:12,252 --> 00:07:14,796 - You okay? - The fuck are you doing here? 172 00:07:14,879 --> 00:07:16,381 I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear 173 00:07:16,464 --> 00:07:17,799 who was told he couldn't have beer, 174 00:07:17,882 --> 00:07:19,051 so I'm stealing beer. 175 00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,635 Whatever. 176 00:07:20,718 --> 00:07:22,304 Do whatever the fuck you want. 177 00:07:22,387 --> 00:07:24,806 You, uh, you want one? 178 00:07:25,890 --> 00:07:27,100 Thanks. 179 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,241 It's like she thinks the rules are different for her 180 00:07:43,324 --> 00:07:44,326 than they are for me. 181 00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:46,036 - Totally. - You know what I mean? 182 00:07:46,119 --> 00:07:50,040 It's like I took shit from a talking dump truck for her. 183 00:07:50,123 --> 00:07:52,250 - Yup. - You know, I almost alienated 184 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:55,170 my whole family because I loved her. 185 00:07:55,253 --> 00:07:57,422 And now, now she wants to play it safe 186 00:07:57,505 --> 00:07:58,590 that it's fucking flipped. 187 00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:00,258 Love is a two-way street, 188 00:08:00,341 --> 00:08:02,344 and she doesn't… she doesn't get that. 189 00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:04,846 Exactly. I mean, what the fuck? 190 00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:06,348 Love is a battlefield. 191 00:08:06,431 --> 00:08:07,432 - Yes. - Right. 192 00:08:07,515 --> 00:08:09,851 Holy shit. Wait, who the fuck… 193 00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:10,852 Who thought of that? Did you… 194 00:08:10,935 --> 00:08:12,187 - I did. - Did you think of that? 195 00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:13,897 I write poetry on the side. 196 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:17,609 We are young, and no one can tell us we're wrong. 197 00:08:17,692 --> 00:08:18,777 Jesus. 198 00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:21,071 That's… That's fuckin' word art, man. 199 00:08:21,154 --> 00:08:23,031 - Listen, you gotta do… - What? 200 00:08:23,114 --> 00:08:25,701 …what you think is the rightsest for you. 201 00:08:25,784 --> 00:08:29,955 And if she knows what she's got, then she's got to get in it. 202 00:08:30,038 --> 00:08:31,707 - Yes. - 'Cau… 'Cause you're cool. 203 00:08:31,790 --> 00:08:33,875 Oh, fuck you. You're cool. 204 00:08:33,958 --> 00:08:36,044 Listen, you listen to your pal Ted 205 00:08:36,127 --> 00:08:37,837 'cause he's got your back. 206 00:08:48,973 --> 00:08:50,726 Am I lesbian now? 207 00:08:50,809 --> 00:08:52,560 Okay, I'm going to bed. 208 00:08:54,187 --> 00:08:55,730 Me, too. 209 00:09:28,388 --> 00:09:29,681 Ted! 210 00:09:30,014 --> 00:09:31,391 Ted! 211 00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,564 Ah, Jesus. 212 00:09:38,857 --> 00:09:39,857 I kissed you. 213 00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,943 - Yeah. - I was drunk. 214 00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:44,112 - Yeah. - My head was all fucked up. 215 00:09:44,195 --> 00:09:45,113 Yeah. 216 00:09:45,196 --> 00:09:46,198 Please forget this ever happened 217 00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:47,157 till the day you die. 218 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,408 Oh, thank God, 219 00:09:48,491 --> 00:09:49,951 I thought you were gonna make me marry you. 220 00:09:50,034 --> 00:09:52,788 Hey, you got a shirt? It's kinda cold this morning. 221 00:09:52,871 --> 00:09:53,913 Yeah. 222 00:09:57,375 --> 00:09:59,378 Uh, also, I borrowed 223 00:09:59,461 --> 00:10:01,505 a pair of shoes and a handbag from Aunt Suse. 224 00:10:01,588 --> 00:10:03,173 Could you take 'em and bring 'em back to her? 225 00:10:03,256 --> 00:10:04,382 Sure. 226 00:10:04,883 --> 00:10:07,135 Don't be humiliated. You can do this. 227 00:10:07,218 --> 00:10:08,804 You are a strong, independent… 228 00:10:08,887 --> 00:10:09,638 Ted? 229 00:10:09,721 --> 00:10:11,473 Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko. 230 00:10:12,390 --> 00:10:13,475 Are you okay? 231 00:10:13,558 --> 00:10:15,101 Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you. 232 00:10:16,478 --> 00:10:18,438 Well, you look like a whore! 233 00:10:27,822 --> 00:10:29,533 Where the hell have you been? 234 00:10:29,616 --> 00:10:30,909 Oh, I don't wanna talk right now. 235 00:10:30,992 --> 00:10:31,994 I just wanna sleep. 236 00:10:32,077 --> 00:10:33,161 I waited up all night for you. 237 00:10:33,244 --> 00:10:34,204 Look, could we please just… 238 00:10:34,287 --> 00:10:35,497 We were supposed to drink beer. 239 00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:37,207 You never came back with the beer. 240 00:10:37,290 --> 00:10:40,502 Things got, uh, out of hand. 241 00:10:40,585 --> 00:10:41,503 Oh, what things? 242 00:10:41,586 --> 00:10:42,587 And why do you got lipstick 243 00:10:42,670 --> 00:10:43,672 all over your face? 244 00:10:43,755 --> 00:10:45,173 Did you hook up with somebody? 245 00:10:45,256 --> 00:10:49,135 I… I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 246 00:10:49,594 --> 00:10:51,013 - What? - I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 247 00:10:51,096 --> 00:10:52,055 Okay? Are you happy. 248 00:10:52,138 --> 00:10:53,890 You fucked Mrs. Fechko? 249 00:10:53,973 --> 00:10:55,225 She invited me in 'cause she had 250 00:10:55,308 --> 00:10:57,394 way too much potato salad, and she was panicking. 251 00:10:57,477 --> 00:10:59,062 Next thing I know, she's taking her teeth out. 252 00:10:59,145 --> 00:11:01,106 - No way. - Johnny, I swear. 253 00:11:01,940 --> 00:11:03,358 Okay. Well, how was it? 254 00:11:03,441 --> 00:11:05,736 Oh, she was amazing. Nothing was off the table. 255 00:11:05,819 --> 00:11:08,864 Arabian Goggles, Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone. 256 00:11:08,947 --> 00:11:10,282 There were so many trombones, I thought I was 257 00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:11,616 in the Glenn Miller Orchestra. 258 00:11:11,699 --> 00:11:13,201 Holy shit. That's amazing. 259 00:11:14,452 --> 00:11:16,538 - Does she have a friend? - Huh? 260 00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:18,457 Like, for me. Like, maybe we could double date. 261 00:11:18,540 --> 00:11:20,250 Oh, yeah. John, you don't want to, uh… 262 00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:23,045 Teddy, I have struck out with every girl in school. 263 00:11:23,128 --> 00:11:26,798 But maybe there's somebody out there who's older, sure, 264 00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:29,342 but lonely, just like me. 265 00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:31,762 And I could give her my heart. 266 00:11:31,845 --> 00:11:33,472 And she could school me in the ancient art 267 00:11:33,555 --> 00:11:34,556 of making whoopee. 268 00:11:34,639 --> 00:11:35,807 You sure? 269 00:11:36,516 --> 00:11:37,516 Teddy, 270 00:11:37,809 --> 00:11:39,770 society may not see older women 271 00:11:39,853 --> 00:11:41,980 as useful or sexy or even human, 272 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,857 but John Bennett does. 273 00:11:44,816 --> 00:11:48,278 John Bennett's not afraid to rub your back with BENGAY. 274 00:11:48,361 --> 00:11:51,114 Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid to blow his load 275 00:11:51,197 --> 00:11:53,075 on a bowl of butterscotch candy. 276 00:11:53,158 --> 00:11:55,160 John Bennett's not afraid to finger-bang you 277 00:11:55,243 --> 00:11:56,662 while you watch The People's Court. 278 00:11:56,745 --> 00:11:59,581 John Bennett's not afraid to hear your moans of pleasure 279 00:11:59,664 --> 00:12:01,083 and/or arthritic pain. 280 00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:03,085 John Bennett's not afraid to talk dirty 281 00:12:03,168 --> 00:12:05,253 twice as loud as my normal speaking voice. 282 00:12:05,336 --> 00:12:07,923 John Bennett's not afraid to do the same role play 283 00:12:08,006 --> 00:12:09,257 for five days in a row 284 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:10,926 'cause you keep forgettin' we did it already. 285 00:12:11,009 --> 00:12:12,594 John Bennett's not afraid to fuck you 286 00:12:12,677 --> 00:12:14,638 while staring at a black and white photograph 287 00:12:14,721 --> 00:12:16,264 of your son who died in the war. 288 00:12:16,347 --> 00:12:17,390 Okay. Yeah, that's the one. 289 00:12:24,856 --> 00:12:26,608 Blaire, wh-what's all this? 290 00:12:26,691 --> 00:12:28,151 You can take this out with the trash. 291 00:12:28,234 --> 00:12:30,236 I'm never drinking again. 292 00:12:33,698 --> 00:12:36,284 Matty, did you notice 293 00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:39,496 your bacon and eggs were shaped like a smiley face? 294 00:12:39,579 --> 00:12:40,831 Yup. 295 00:12:40,914 --> 00:12:42,207 Do you like it? 296 00:12:42,874 --> 00:12:44,626 Susan, I don't need my breakfast to be having 297 00:12:44,709 --> 00:12:45,960 a better day than I am. 298 00:12:47,378 --> 00:12:49,881 All right, I gotta go to the hardware store. 299 00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:53,967 All right. 300 00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:35,844 You were, for a while then, during your 20s 301 00:13:35,927 --> 00:13:37,346 and your single days or when you were younger, 302 00:13:37,429 --> 00:13:39,264 you were easy, as we would have said. 303 00:13:39,347 --> 00:13:40,515 Younger than that, actually. 304 00:13:40,598 --> 00:13:41,641 That was the problem. 305 00:13:41,724 --> 00:13:43,185 - In your teenage years. - Yeah, yeah. 306 00:13:43,268 --> 00:13:45,520 Just… So you would walk into a crowded room 307 00:13:45,603 --> 00:13:47,731 and head right for the guy that would make you the… 308 00:13:47,814 --> 00:13:49,566 Who is it? It's me. 309 00:13:49,649 --> 00:13:51,026 Phil Donahue:… grab him with both hands. 310 00:13:51,109 --> 00:13:52,402 Or he'd grab me… Right. 311 00:13:52,485 --> 00:13:53,570 In any event, this was 312 00:13:53,653 --> 00:13:55,280 a neurotic satisfaction that you were… 313 00:13:57,282 --> 00:13:58,742 Yes, it wasn't so much a neurotic satisfaction… 314 00:13:58,825 --> 00:13:59,825 Hey. 315 00:14:00,368 --> 00:14:01,411 Hi. 316 00:14:01,494 --> 00:14:02,454 Can I come in? 317 00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:03,538 I couldn't do what, quote, 318 00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:04,706 other girls could do. 319 00:14:04,789 --> 00:14:05,916 I couldn't sit there 320 00:14:05,999 --> 00:14:07,042 and keep my mouth closed, 321 00:14:07,125 --> 00:14:08,210 not give my opinion 322 00:14:08,293 --> 00:14:09,794 and be a… 323 00:14:11,671 --> 00:14:12,714 Listen. 324 00:14:13,173 --> 00:14:15,633 I'm sorry about last night. 325 00:14:17,302 --> 00:14:20,138 I didn't mean for things to get so nasty. 326 00:14:23,183 --> 00:14:24,183 Me neither. 327 00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,895 And I'm sorry about the fuck you. 328 00:14:27,979 --> 00:14:28,980 It's okay. 329 00:14:29,814 --> 00:14:31,232 I slept on it… 330 00:14:32,984 --> 00:14:34,819 and I understand why you were upset. 331 00:14:35,695 --> 00:14:39,491 I… I guess I was using sort of a double standard. 332 00:14:40,825 --> 00:14:42,661 I don't know, I guess 333 00:14:42,744 --> 00:14:44,454 I just didn't want to deal with the stress. 334 00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:47,165 But that wasn't fair to you. 335 00:14:47,248 --> 00:14:50,835 And I do apologize. 336 00:14:53,922 --> 00:14:55,340 Yeah. Um… 337 00:14:55,423 --> 00:14:58,260 So, there's one more thing 338 00:14:58,343 --> 00:15:01,304 I need to tell you about last night. 339 00:15:01,387 --> 00:15:02,431 What? 340 00:15:02,514 --> 00:15:04,265 I, uh… 341 00:15:06,351 --> 00:15:08,103 I made out with someone. 342 00:15:09,562 --> 00:15:12,357 Who? Kathleen? 343 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,650 - No. - Steven? 344 00:15:13,733 --> 00:15:15,527 - No. - Who? 345 00:15:16,277 --> 00:15:17,278 Ted. 346 00:15:18,279 --> 00:15:19,823 - Oh, my God. - I was wasted. 347 00:15:19,906 --> 00:15:21,199 - It just happened. - What the fuck? 348 00:15:21,282 --> 00:15:23,160 What the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? 349 00:15:23,243 --> 00:15:24,453 - It didn't mean anything… - What kind of fucked-up 350 00:15:24,536 --> 00:15:25,871 West Virginia shit is that? 351 00:15:25,954 --> 00:15:26,955 - I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. 352 00:15:27,038 --> 00:15:28,540 And to think you gave your uncle shit 353 00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:29,708 for jacking off a dog. 354 00:15:29,791 --> 00:15:30,834 - Hold on. - No! 355 00:15:30,917 --> 00:15:32,627 - Fuck you! Get out! - Sarah. 356 00:15:32,710 --> 00:15:33,878 We're done. 357 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:36,631 - What do you mean? - I mean, we're done. 358 00:15:36,714 --> 00:15:37,714 For real. 359 00:16:07,245 --> 00:16:08,580 It is that you're a savings and loan officer. 360 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:09,873 Watch. 361 00:16:09,956 --> 00:16:12,668 One, two, three. See? 362 00:16:12,751 --> 00:16:14,920 You've got it all, and we've got nothing. 363 00:16:15,003 --> 00:16:17,005 - And you have all four… - Blaire? 364 00:16:17,088 --> 00:16:18,173 But I wouldn't trust you with… 365 00:16:18,256 --> 00:16:19,883 What's wrong? 366 00:16:19,966 --> 00:16:20,842 Nothing. 367 00:16:20,925 --> 00:16:23,053 But you're crying. 368 00:16:23,136 --> 00:16:25,722 I just really don't want to talk about it, Aunt Suse. 369 00:16:25,805 --> 00:16:27,015 You want me… You want me 370 00:16:27,098 --> 00:16:28,808 to make you the cakes? 371 00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,560 The little cakes. 372 00:16:30,643 --> 00:16:33,271 - What? - Cupcakes! 373 00:16:33,813 --> 00:16:35,732 The cupcakes. That's what they are. 374 00:16:35,815 --> 00:16:37,693 No, I'm… I'm okay. 375 00:16:37,776 --> 00:16:38,777 Oh. 376 00:16:39,819 --> 00:16:42,948 Sarah and I, we… we broke up. 377 00:16:43,031 --> 00:16:44,866 Oh. 378 00:16:44,949 --> 00:16:48,704 Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry. 379 00:16:48,787 --> 00:16:51,707 It's all right. I just wanna be alone. 380 00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:54,042 But you can talk to Susan. 381 00:17:00,006 --> 00:17:00,924 Are you drunk? 382 00:17:01,007 --> 00:17:02,718 No! 383 00:17:02,801 --> 00:17:04,385 No, I would never. 384 00:17:05,053 --> 00:17:06,722 I… I just had a little bit 385 00:17:06,805 --> 00:17:09,390 of, um, wine from your box. 386 00:17:11,976 --> 00:17:14,979 Everybody deserves a little wine now and then, 387 00:17:16,064 --> 00:17:17,065 don't you think? 388 00:17:17,148 --> 00:17:18,191 I guess. 389 00:17:18,817 --> 00:17:21,737 Blaire, what are Goonies? 390 00:17:21,820 --> 00:17:22,654 What? 391 00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,448 I heard people talking 392 00:17:24,531 --> 00:17:25,407 about Goonies. 393 00:17:25,490 --> 00:17:26,742 Aunt Suse, I just really want 394 00:17:26,825 --> 00:17:27,909 to be by myself. 395 00:17:27,992 --> 00:17:31,121 Oh, okay. I, uh… I understand. 396 00:17:31,204 --> 00:17:33,081 - Okay. - Okay, sweetheart. 397 00:17:33,706 --> 00:17:36,793 I'm gonna be thinking the thoughts about you. 398 00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:38,420 - Okay? - Okay. 399 00:17:38,837 --> 00:17:39,879 Okay. 400 00:17:42,882 --> 00:17:44,426 Dr. Susan… 401 00:17:45,677 --> 00:17:48,430 is in the house. 402 00:17:48,513 --> 00:17:50,014 She's like… 403 00:17:56,104 --> 00:17:57,355 All right. 404 00:18:01,067 --> 00:18:03,612 - Oh, wow, there she is. - Huh? 405 00:18:03,695 --> 00:18:04,946 Mrs. Fechko. 406 00:18:05,029 --> 00:18:06,782 God, buddy, you were right. 407 00:18:06,865 --> 00:18:08,158 I don't know how I didn't see it before, 408 00:18:08,241 --> 00:18:09,785 but she's got this, like, raw, 409 00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:12,120 sexual animal magnetism to her. 410 00:18:12,203 --> 00:18:13,497 Go ask her. 411 00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:14,831 About… About what? 412 00:18:14,914 --> 00:18:16,291 About a friend for me. 413 00:18:16,374 --> 00:18:18,418 Okay. 414 00:18:23,381 --> 00:18:25,342 Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there. 415 00:18:25,425 --> 00:18:27,719 Hi. Mrs. Fechko. 416 00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,012 May I call you Rebecca? 417 00:18:29,095 --> 00:18:30,389 My name is Gert. 418 00:18:30,472 --> 00:18:32,724 Oh, that's… that's beautiful, as well. 419 00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:35,811 Listen, I have a decent proposal for you. 420 00:18:35,894 --> 00:18:37,396 My friend John and I… 421 00:18:37,479 --> 00:18:38,855 The Down syndrome boy? 422 00:18:38,938 --> 00:18:40,315 He doesn't have Down syndrome. 423 00:18:40,398 --> 00:18:41,983 - Are you sure? - Yes. 424 00:18:42,066 --> 00:18:43,276 I think he does. 425 00:18:47,405 --> 00:18:49,992 Well, be that as it may, he and I would like to take you 426 00:18:50,075 --> 00:18:53,036 and one of your friends out to a restaurant of your choosing. 427 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:54,412 Why? 428 00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:57,708 I got… gotta be honest here, I thought you'd just say yes. 429 00:18:57,791 --> 00:18:59,584 Uh, because… because we have lived 430 00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,712 across from you all these years, 431 00:19:01,795 --> 00:19:04,256 and I gotta believe there's more to Gert Fechko 432 00:19:04,339 --> 00:19:07,050 than just yelling about how we need a stop sign here. 433 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:10,220 We do! People come zooming by at all hours! 434 00:19:10,303 --> 00:19:12,014 And paranoia about the Chinese. 435 00:19:12,097 --> 00:19:15,350 They're taking over the town! They even have their own bank! 436 00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:16,560 You see, the truth is, 437 00:19:16,643 --> 00:19:18,687 John could use an old-fashioned lesson 438 00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:20,689 - in manners and such. - How come? 439 00:19:20,772 --> 00:19:22,899 Because everyone in your generation is brilliant, 440 00:19:22,982 --> 00:19:25,027 while everyone today is a dumb piece of shit. 441 00:19:25,110 --> 00:19:27,571 That's all I wanted to hear. I'll call my friend Mildred. 442 00:19:27,654 --> 00:19:30,407 - Terrific. - Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp. 443 00:19:30,490 --> 00:19:31,658 We'll be there. 444 00:19:37,539 --> 00:19:39,875 Matty. God damn it! 445 00:19:39,958 --> 00:19:41,043 What's the matter? 446 00:19:41,126 --> 00:19:42,377 I fuckin' sneezed while I was pissing. 447 00:19:42,460 --> 00:19:44,755 Got in my fuckin' eye. 448 00:19:44,838 --> 00:19:46,715 Uh, there's a clean pair of pants 449 00:19:46,798 --> 00:19:48,216 right there in the drawer. 450 00:19:48,299 --> 00:19:49,467 Great. 451 00:19:50,969 --> 00:19:52,471 Hi. 452 00:19:52,554 --> 00:19:54,473 You wanna horse around? 453 00:19:54,556 --> 00:19:55,557 What? 454 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,059 Johnny's in the front yard. 455 00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:58,560 He can't hear us. 456 00:19:59,310 --> 00:20:00,312 It's day. 457 00:20:00,395 --> 00:20:01,313 Even better, 458 00:20:01,396 --> 00:20:03,982 we can see each other's bodies. 459 00:20:04,065 --> 00:20:05,567 I got piss in my eyes, Susan. 460 00:20:05,650 --> 00:20:07,318 Oh, I don't mind. 461 00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:10,072 Let's dance. 462 00:20:10,155 --> 00:20:12,282 - Is that wine? - Yeah. 463 00:20:12,365 --> 00:20:14,618 I just had a little bit of wine. 464 00:20:18,997 --> 00:20:20,123 Susan, stop it. 465 00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:27,089 For fuck's sake, Susan! 466 00:20:27,172 --> 00:20:28,590 That woman is dead! 467 00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:48,985 First guy I ever loved was a total nothing. 468 00:20:49,068 --> 00:20:52,656 The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. 469 00:20:52,739 --> 00:20:54,700 If there was a bum within a 50-mile radius, 470 00:20:54,783 --> 00:20:55,951 I was completely attracted. 471 00:20:56,034 --> 00:20:57,786 - Hey. - Hi. 472 00:20:57,869 --> 00:20:58,954 Julia Roberts: That's how I ended up here. 473 00:20:59,037 --> 00:21:01,123 - You watching this? - Yeah. 474 00:21:01,206 --> 00:21:02,499 Richard Gere: Hmm. 475 00:21:02,582 --> 00:21:03,834 There's… There's a hockey game. 476 00:21:03,917 --> 00:21:05,376 Watch it upstairs. 477 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:09,089 I… I can't… I can't go upstairs. 478 00:21:09,631 --> 00:21:11,508 - Why not? - Nothing. 479 00:21:11,591 --> 00:21:14,803 So, you chose this as your profession. 480 00:21:14,886 --> 00:21:17,222 I worked at a couple fast food places. 481 00:21:18,389 --> 00:21:19,975 Parked cars at wrestling. 482 00:21:20,058 --> 00:21:22,019 What's the story? They married? 483 00:21:22,102 --> 00:21:23,645 No. 484 00:21:23,728 --> 00:21:25,689 She was a hooker and made it sound so great. 485 00:21:25,772 --> 00:21:26,982 She his girlfriend? 486 00:21:27,065 --> 00:21:28,733 She's a prostitute. 487 00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:29,985 What? 488 00:21:30,068 --> 00:21:31,361 She's a prostitute, 489 00:21:31,444 --> 00:21:33,155 and he's falling in love with her. 490 00:21:33,238 --> 00:21:34,656 It's not like anybody plans this. 491 00:21:34,739 --> 00:21:37,367 It's not your childhood dream. 492 00:21:37,450 --> 00:21:39,244 You should be so much more. 493 00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:40,787 Ain't he worried about the clap? 494 00:21:41,246 --> 00:21:42,873 - No. - Why not? 495 00:21:42,956 --> 00:21:44,583 Because she fuckin' douches a lot. 496 00:21:44,666 --> 00:21:46,835 I don't fuckin' know. I'm trying to watch. 497 00:21:46,918 --> 00:21:47,836 Christ. Okay. 498 00:21:47,919 --> 00:21:49,671 I'm just kickin' the tires. 499 00:21:49,754 --> 00:21:51,673 Don't bite my goddamn head off. 500 00:21:51,756 --> 00:21:54,092 You're a bright, very special woman. 501 00:21:54,175 --> 00:21:56,511 You gonna… You gonna watch all of those? 502 00:21:56,594 --> 00:21:59,681 Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's what you do after a breakup. 503 00:21:59,764 --> 00:22:02,267 You lay under a blanket and you watch a bunch of chick flicks. 504 00:22:06,312 --> 00:22:07,856 I don't want you to get too excited. 505 00:22:07,939 --> 00:22:09,107 This is only on loan. 506 00:22:14,654 --> 00:22:17,449 - Oh! - Jesus. Asshole. 507 00:22:17,532 --> 00:22:18,658 They're gonna let you borrow this for… 508 00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:22,537 Princess Vivian! 509 00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:23,620 Come down! 510 00:22:28,376 --> 00:22:30,253 It had to be the top floor, right? 511 00:22:30,336 --> 00:22:31,546 It's the best. 512 00:22:31,629 --> 00:22:33,339 All right, I'm coming up. 513 00:22:38,303 --> 00:22:41,556 Oh, wow. She was the pretty woman. 514 00:22:46,352 --> 00:22:50,440 So, Mildred, Teddy has told me so much about you, 515 00:22:50,523 --> 00:22:53,235 but he neglected to mention your eyes. 516 00:22:53,318 --> 00:22:55,237 They're like nice manhole covers. 517 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,823 Well, I didn't know one of you was a stuffed bear, 518 00:22:57,906 --> 00:22:59,324 so I guess we're even. 519 00:22:59,407 --> 00:23:00,742 Welcome to Armand's. 520 00:23:00,825 --> 00:23:02,285 Take your time. 521 00:23:02,368 --> 00:23:03,368 I'll be back in a bit. 522 00:23:04,579 --> 00:23:06,123 God, there's something extra depressing 523 00:23:06,206 --> 00:23:08,125 about a bald waiter, am I right? 524 00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:09,584 I might request someone else. 525 00:23:09,667 --> 00:23:11,669 I would like to propose a toast. 526 00:23:12,087 --> 00:23:13,338 To budding romance. 527 00:23:13,421 --> 00:23:15,298 - For who? - For you and Teddy. 528 00:23:15,381 --> 00:23:17,759 Yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. 529 00:23:17,842 --> 00:23:19,428 We're playing it cool here, Johnny. 530 00:23:19,511 --> 00:23:23,306 Hmm. So, Mildred, tell me about yourself. 531 00:23:23,389 --> 00:23:24,850 Who is Mildred? 532 00:23:24,933 --> 00:23:26,476 Well, I'm from Connecticut. 533 00:23:26,559 --> 00:23:28,603 Ah. The "Show Me" state. 534 00:23:28,686 --> 00:23:29,688 I'm a widow. 535 00:23:29,771 --> 00:23:31,940 My Franklin died eight years ago. 536 00:23:32,023 --> 00:23:34,860 Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What from? 537 00:23:34,943 --> 00:23:38,196 Crohn's disease. It's actually named after him. 538 00:23:38,696 --> 00:23:41,199 Well, Mrs. Disease, Ted may just… 539 00:23:41,282 --> 00:23:43,618 No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn. 540 00:23:43,701 --> 00:23:45,495 Well, Mrs. Crohn, I… 541 00:23:45,578 --> 00:23:47,497 I know that I can't replace Franklin, 542 00:23:47,580 --> 00:23:49,833 but with time I believe that you'll find me 543 00:23:49,916 --> 00:23:50,959 a worthy companion. 544 00:23:51,751 --> 00:23:54,171 Ardent, steadfast 545 00:23:54,254 --> 00:23:57,215 and prepared to lend a strong paternal hand to your… 546 00:23:57,298 --> 00:23:58,842 Nine sons. 547 00:23:58,925 --> 00:24:01,970 Yes. I am ready to step in as their father. 548 00:24:02,053 --> 00:24:03,638 Uh, what, uh… 549 00:24:03,721 --> 00:24:05,807 Uh, what about your parents, Mrs. Fechko? 550 00:24:05,890 --> 00:24:07,976 Most of my father is in a jar. 551 00:24:08,059 --> 00:24:10,687 Mildred, may I just say your brooch is exquisite? 552 00:24:10,770 --> 00:24:11,980 Oh, thank you. 553 00:24:12,063 --> 00:24:13,648 And your locket is divine. 554 00:24:13,731 --> 00:24:16,318 Oh, Franklin brought it back from Morocco. 555 00:24:16,401 --> 00:24:18,611 And your stickpin is resplendent. 556 00:24:19,821 --> 00:24:21,490 Would you excuse me for a second? 557 00:24:21,573 --> 00:24:24,617 Gert, will you join me in the little girls' room? 558 00:24:30,999 --> 00:24:32,501 You think they're spraying their vaginas 559 00:24:32,584 --> 00:24:33,919 with eau de toilette? 560 00:24:34,002 --> 00:24:35,003 Yeah, I really don't know 561 00:24:35,086 --> 00:24:36,755 what the fuck is happening anymore. 562 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,592 Shut the door! Shut the door! 563 00:24:40,675 --> 00:24:42,260 Do you see what's going on here? 564 00:24:42,343 --> 00:24:43,845 - What? - They're bandits! 565 00:24:43,928 --> 00:24:46,014 They're trying to steal our jewels! 566 00:24:46,097 --> 00:24:47,307 - You think so? - Yes! 567 00:24:47,390 --> 00:24:50,060 They want to bamboozle us out of our fortunes! 568 00:24:50,143 --> 00:24:52,354 Mine won't quit staring at my amulet! 569 00:24:52,437 --> 00:24:53,939 They're grifters! 570 00:24:54,022 --> 00:24:55,315 Oh, my God! 571 00:24:55,398 --> 00:24:57,776 The one with Down syndrome is the flimflam artist, 572 00:24:57,859 --> 00:24:59,861 and the bear is the bagman. 573 00:24:59,944 --> 00:25:02,197 Thank God all my money's in traveler's checks. 574 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,282 They're probably going from town to town, 575 00:25:04,365 --> 00:25:07,202 pulling this little stunt all across the country. 576 00:25:07,285 --> 00:25:09,705 But they lived across the street from me for 18 years. 577 00:25:09,788 --> 00:25:12,207 Even worse! It's a long con! 578 00:25:12,290 --> 00:25:15,419 Well, then I am not spraying my vagina with eau de toilette. 579 00:25:15,502 --> 00:25:18,755 Oh, no! Let's get out of here! 580 00:25:19,714 --> 00:25:22,467 You fucking thieves! 581 00:25:26,012 --> 00:25:29,766 Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to fuck 'em after they ate. 582 00:25:56,251 --> 00:25:57,794 Patrick Swayze: Tell her it's for luck. 583 00:25:57,877 --> 00:25:59,504 Whoopi Goldberg: Sam says it's for luck. 584 00:26:07,762 --> 00:26:09,013 Matty? 585 00:26:10,348 --> 00:26:11,349 Yeah? 586 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,727 - Are you okay? - Yeah… 587 00:26:15,353 --> 00:26:16,772 I was just sleeping. 588 00:26:16,855 --> 00:26:18,607 You just fuckin' woke me up. 589 00:26:18,690 --> 00:26:20,775 Oh, sorry. 590 00:26:21,276 --> 00:26:24,321 Um, yeah, you know what? I'm getting tired, too. 591 00:26:24,404 --> 00:26:26,281 I'm gonna go say good night to Susan and go to bed. 592 00:26:26,364 --> 00:26:28,116 Yeah. Me, too. I'm gonna go to bed as well. 593 00:26:28,199 --> 00:26:30,535 I'm just gonna turn the lights off first. 594 00:27:04,068 --> 00:27:05,904 Aunt Suse? 595 00:27:07,155 --> 00:27:09,115 - Blaire. - Hi. 596 00:27:13,078 --> 00:27:16,707 Listen, I just wanted to apologize 597 00:27:16,790 --> 00:27:19,042 for being so short with you this afternoon. 598 00:27:19,125 --> 00:27:21,670 No, no, no. It's fine. 599 00:27:21,753 --> 00:27:25,674 I know you're having a sad day, and it's your birthday week, 600 00:27:25,757 --> 00:27:27,300 and I'm so sorry. 601 00:27:28,093 --> 00:27:30,512 Are you still drinking? 602 00:27:30,595 --> 00:27:32,222 Well… 603 00:27:32,305 --> 00:27:35,183 You know who I read likes to drink now and then? 604 00:27:35,934 --> 00:27:39,021 Me. 605 00:27:39,104 --> 00:27:41,231 I started keeping a diary. 606 00:27:41,314 --> 00:27:44,150 Oh, my God. Okay. 607 00:27:45,151 --> 00:27:46,653 Um… 608 00:27:47,946 --> 00:27:49,364 Is something going on? 609 00:27:49,447 --> 00:27:50,449 Like what? 610 00:27:50,532 --> 00:27:52,034 I don't know. I… 611 00:27:52,117 --> 00:27:54,202 Anything you need to talk about? 612 00:27:54,285 --> 00:27:57,288 I mean, I've hardly ever seen you drink wine. 613 00:27:58,456 --> 00:28:01,376 Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. 614 00:28:02,293 --> 00:28:03,211 What do you mean? 615 00:28:03,294 --> 00:28:05,589 When we were younger, 616 00:28:05,672 --> 00:28:08,174 Matty used to share things with me. 617 00:28:09,217 --> 00:28:12,429 Sometimes he'd even tell me how he was feeling. 618 00:28:12,512 --> 00:28:13,597 He did? 619 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:14,973 Yeah. 620 00:28:15,807 --> 00:28:18,560 And it's been years since he shared anything. 621 00:28:19,519 --> 00:28:21,855 Last night I began to wonder, 622 00:28:22,647 --> 00:28:25,191 is this all there is until the end? 623 00:28:25,817 --> 00:28:27,235 Me sitting alone, 624 00:28:27,318 --> 00:28:30,989 trying to guess if Matty still loves me? 625 00:28:31,072 --> 00:28:32,949 I'm sure he still loves you. 626 00:28:33,032 --> 00:28:36,119 Ah, he never says it to me anymore. 627 00:28:36,202 --> 00:28:38,329 He never does anything romantic. 628 00:28:39,539 --> 00:28:42,709 Doesn't even put in the effort to smell neutral anymore. 629 00:28:43,334 --> 00:28:45,462 Listen, 630 00:28:45,545 --> 00:28:48,465 I really do wanna talk about this with you, okay? 631 00:28:48,548 --> 00:28:52,928 It… It's just… I've had kind of a rough day myself. 632 00:28:53,011 --> 00:28:54,137 I know. 633 00:28:54,220 --> 00:28:56,431 But tomorrow, 634 00:28:56,514 --> 00:29:00,018 what if we did, like, girls' day or something? 635 00:29:00,101 --> 00:29:02,020 I'd love that. 636 00:29:02,103 --> 00:29:06,858 And for now, I'm just gonna put this back in the box. 637 00:29:06,941 --> 00:29:08,067 - Okay. - Okay. 638 00:29:08,526 --> 00:29:11,237 I'm gonna ride my bike to Taco Bell. 639 00:29:15,700 --> 00:29:16,743 Patrick Swayze: I love you, Molly. 640 00:29:19,746 --> 00:29:21,206 I've always loved you. 641 00:29:28,546 --> 00:29:29,381 Ditto. 642 00:29:29,464 --> 00:29:30,464 Matty? 643 00:29:34,636 --> 00:29:38,473 Blaire. I was… I was just looking for hockey. 644 00:29:38,556 --> 00:29:40,851 And, uh, sports and scores. 645 00:29:40,934 --> 00:29:43,353 I wanted… I wanted hock… I wanted sports and hockey. 646 00:29:43,436 --> 00:29:44,771 Did you turn Ghost back on? 647 00:29:45,313 --> 00:29:47,399 - No. - You're crying. 648 00:29:47,482 --> 00:29:50,068 - No, I'm not. - You're crying at Ghost. 649 00:29:50,151 --> 00:29:51,236 Fuck off! 650 00:29:51,319 --> 00:29:52,738 Matty, it's okay. 651 00:29:52,821 --> 00:29:55,240 I'm not crying! It… I'm just… 652 00:29:55,949 --> 00:29:57,159 It's… It's piss. 653 00:29:57,242 --> 00:29:59,369 It's okay if the story moved you. 654 00:29:59,452 --> 00:30:00,996 That's what it's supposed to do. 655 00:30:01,079 --> 00:30:02,831 I wasn't fuckin' crying! 656 00:30:02,914 --> 00:30:04,875 Okay, why don't you sit down? 657 00:30:04,958 --> 00:30:06,876 I wanna show you something. 658 00:30:10,630 --> 00:30:14,343 God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do. 659 00:30:14,426 --> 00:30:15,677 I wanna know why. 660 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:18,680 I wanna know why Shelby's life is over. 661 00:30:18,763 --> 00:30:20,891 I wanna know how that baby will ever know 662 00:30:20,974 --> 00:30:23,018 how wonderful his mother was. 663 00:30:23,101 --> 00:30:26,772 Will he ever know what she went through for him? 664 00:30:26,855 --> 00:30:29,900 Oh, God. I wanna know why! 665 00:30:29,983 --> 00:30:30,942 Why? 666 00:30:31,025 --> 00:30:32,944 Goddamn right, why? 667 00:30:33,445 --> 00:30:35,572 Wh-Why did it have to be Shelby, huh? 668 00:30:35,655 --> 00:30:37,949 She… She had her… She had her whole life ahead of her! 669 00:30:38,032 --> 00:30:39,910 I know, it's… it's so sad. 670 00:30:39,993 --> 00:30:42,537 She was such a ray of sunshine! 671 00:30:42,620 --> 00:30:46,041 What's the point of love when it causes so much pain? 672 00:30:46,124 --> 00:30:48,418 She gave so much and asked so little. 673 00:30:48,501 --> 00:30:49,920 Why couldn't it have been Shirley MacLaine 674 00:30:50,003 --> 00:30:51,421 with the diabetes? 675 00:30:51,504 --> 00:30:53,382 It doesn't make any goddamn sense! 676 00:30:53,465 --> 00:30:55,425 - And the baby! - Oh, God! 677 00:30:55,508 --> 00:30:56,718 The baby! 678 00:30:56,801 --> 00:30:59,429 Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen to the fuckin' baby? 679 00:30:59,512 --> 00:31:00,806 He's never gonna know his mother. 680 00:31:00,889 --> 00:31:02,265 I want some fuckin' answers! 681 00:31:02,348 --> 00:31:04,226 I want some fuckin' goddamn answers! 682 00:31:04,309 --> 00:31:06,144 - And I want 'em right now! - Matty. 683 00:31:06,227 --> 00:31:08,313 Matty. It's just a movie. 684 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:15,904 My God. 685 00:31:17,572 --> 00:31:19,116 This is what chick flicks are? 686 00:31:19,199 --> 00:31:23,078 Yes. The whole point is to get you to feel something. 687 00:31:23,161 --> 00:31:25,414 To share an emotive experience through a narrative. 688 00:31:25,497 --> 00:31:26,831 Blaire, 689 00:31:27,499 --> 00:31:29,918 you cannot tell anybody that I fuckin' cried. 690 00:31:30,001 --> 00:31:31,252 I won't. 691 00:31:32,087 --> 00:31:35,424 But there is one person you need to tell. 692 00:31:35,507 --> 00:31:37,300 What? What the fuck you talkin' about? 693 00:31:37,383 --> 00:31:40,012 Matty, do you see what's happening right now? 694 00:31:40,095 --> 00:31:41,638 Aunt Suse needs to see this. 695 00:31:41,721 --> 00:31:43,682 - Jesus. No way. - Why not? 696 00:31:43,765 --> 00:31:45,142 I don't wanna look like fuckin' Boy George 697 00:31:45,225 --> 00:31:46,143 in front of my wife. 698 00:31:46,226 --> 00:31:48,437 Besides, I think she's drunk. 699 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:52,149 Uh, yeah, she's been drinking. You know why? 700 00:31:52,232 --> 00:31:55,152 It's because she's starved for any kind of human feeling. 701 00:31:55,235 --> 00:31:57,696 If she saw you like this right now, 702 00:31:57,779 --> 00:31:59,614 she'd love you like the day you married her. 703 00:32:00,532 --> 00:32:01,700 I don't know. 704 00:32:01,783 --> 00:32:03,702 Matty, there's no shame in being vulnerable 705 00:32:03,785 --> 00:32:04,995 with the person that you love. 706 00:32:05,078 --> 00:32:08,206 Sure, maybe you feel a little stupid right now, 707 00:32:08,289 --> 00:32:10,000 but don't you also feel kinda good? 708 00:32:10,083 --> 00:32:12,919 Like, kinda relaxed and free? 709 00:32:14,045 --> 00:32:15,755 I guess so. 710 00:32:17,048 --> 00:32:17,966 Yeah, I do. 711 00:32:18,049 --> 00:32:20,344 Your wife needs you right now. 712 00:32:20,427 --> 00:32:22,053 She needs this, Matty. 713 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,222 I don't know how to do that. 714 00:32:26,099 --> 00:32:27,767 Do you have a ladder? 715 00:32:33,898 --> 00:32:35,317 Susan! Yeah. 716 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,901 - Susan! - I know. 717 00:32:37,444 --> 00:32:38,862 Susan! 718 00:32:41,072 --> 00:32:42,532 Matty? 719 00:32:49,289 --> 00:32:50,374 Matty! 720 00:32:50,457 --> 00:32:53,168 Princess Susan! I need you! 721 00:32:53,251 --> 00:32:54,586 What are you doing? 722 00:32:54,669 --> 00:32:56,254 I'm comin' up! 723 00:32:59,299 --> 00:33:00,592 Are those roses? 724 00:33:00,675 --> 00:33:02,177 I'm on my way. 725 00:33:02,260 --> 00:33:04,846 I'm comin' up, Princess Susan! 726 00:33:04,929 --> 00:33:06,139 I'm comin' up! 727 00:33:11,102 --> 00:33:13,813 Fuck! 728 00:33:14,314 --> 00:33:15,440 Careful. A little more. 729 00:33:15,523 --> 00:33:16,775 Careful. I know. Yep. Easy. 730 00:33:16,858 --> 00:33:18,276 - Easy, for fuck's sake. - All right. All right. 731 00:33:18,359 --> 00:33:21,029 - Sorry. God. - Jesus Christ! 732 00:33:21,112 --> 00:33:22,280 - Fuck, I need a beer. - Okay. 733 00:33:22,363 --> 00:33:23,407 Yeah, I'll… I'll get you that. 734 00:33:23,490 --> 00:33:24,908 - Yeah. - Thank you, Blaire. 735 00:33:24,991 --> 00:33:27,994 - God Almighty. - All right. Over to the couch. 736 00:33:28,787 --> 00:33:30,372 - Here. - Give me that. 737 00:33:30,455 --> 00:33:33,833 I feel like a jackass, Susan. 738 00:33:35,335 --> 00:33:36,712 I just… I just wanted to make you feel 739 00:33:36,795 --> 00:33:38,255 like a special prostitute. 740 00:33:38,338 --> 00:33:41,049 Oh, Matty! 741 00:33:41,132 --> 00:33:43,468 I do feel like one. 742 00:33:43,551 --> 00:33:47,139 That was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture 743 00:33:47,222 --> 00:33:49,808 I've ever seen in my life. 744 00:33:49,891 --> 00:33:51,101 This… This is what happens 745 00:33:51,184 --> 00:33:53,103 when you show your fuckin' feelings. 746 00:33:53,186 --> 00:33:54,354 Well, 747 00:33:54,437 --> 00:33:56,440 you don't ever have to show your feelings again 748 00:33:56,523 --> 00:33:58,066 if you don't wanna. 749 00:33:58,691 --> 00:34:01,027 'Cause now I know how much you love me. 750 00:34:06,199 --> 00:34:07,867 I love you, Matty. 751 00:34:09,035 --> 00:34:10,328 Ditto. 752 00:34:23,216 --> 00:34:25,635 Sounds like we all had a shitty week, huh? 753 00:34:25,718 --> 00:34:26,761 Yeah. 754 00:34:27,178 --> 00:34:29,347 Hey, Blaire, I'm really sorry about Sarah. 755 00:34:29,764 --> 00:34:30,766 Me, too. 756 00:34:30,849 --> 00:34:32,309 But, hey, look on the bright side. 757 00:34:32,392 --> 00:34:34,686 Now you got more time to get stoned with me and Teddy. 758 00:34:35,019 --> 00:34:38,648 I mean, I guess if Sarah hadn't broken up with me, 759 00:34:38,731 --> 00:34:40,317 Matty never would have opened up to Susan 760 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,611 and she'd still be drinking wine in bed, 761 00:34:42,694 --> 00:34:45,530 so, yeah, maybe it was all worth it. 762 00:34:46,197 --> 00:34:49,785 Susan is the kindest, most selfless person alive. 763 00:34:49,868 --> 00:34:51,495 And she deserves to be happy. 764 00:34:51,578 --> 00:34:52,996 Yeah, but you'd still have a girlfriend 765 00:34:53,079 --> 00:34:55,123 if you'd just given me and Johnny those beers. 766 00:34:55,206 --> 00:34:56,166 That's also true. 767 00:34:56,249 --> 00:34:57,709 I mean, if you got us, like, 768 00:34:57,792 --> 00:34:59,628 a bunch more beer, who knows? 769 00:34:59,711 --> 00:35:01,171 Maybe it'll cause a chain of events 770 00:35:01,254 --> 00:35:02,964 that'll lead to Sarah taking you back. 771 00:35:03,047 --> 00:35:04,174 Fair enough. 772 00:35:04,257 --> 00:35:07,678 It didn't. It didn't help anything. 773 00:35:07,761 --> 00:35:09,721 Mildred, I love you!