1 00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:33,986 Oh, yeah. And when Ice Cube punches Deebo. 2 00:00:34,069 --> 00:00:36,780 And then Smokey says, "You got knocked the fuck out, man." 3 00:00:36,863 --> 00:00:37,990 No, no, no, no. Actually, it was more like, 4 00:00:38,073 --> 00:00:39,950 "You got knocked the fuck out, man!" 5 00:00:40,033 --> 00:00:41,243 Oh, yeah. No, it's more like, 6 00:00:41,326 --> 00:00:43,120 "You got knocked the fuck out, man! 7 00:00:43,203 --> 00:00:46,248 The mid '90s truly are the golden age of comedy. 8 00:00:46,331 --> 00:00:48,584 Yeah. Black people are so cool. 9 00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:50,002 Hey! Watch it. 10 00:00:50,085 --> 00:00:52,129 Sorry dinner's so late. 11 00:00:52,212 --> 00:00:54,256 We ran out of ketchup, 12 00:00:54,339 --> 00:00:56,967 so I had to go to six different neighbors 13 00:00:57,050 --> 00:01:00,179 before I finally found enough to cover the meatloaf. 14 00:01:00,262 --> 00:01:01,305 Meatloaf again? 15 00:01:01,388 --> 00:01:03,098 We just had meatloaf two days ago. 16 00:01:03,181 --> 00:01:04,391 I wouldn't do this, 17 00:01:04,474 --> 00:01:06,143 but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now. 18 00:01:06,226 --> 00:01:09,104 I'm sorry. I thought you liked my meatloaf. 19 00:01:09,187 --> 00:01:11,856 Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you guys? 20 00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:13,609 Susan makes dinner for four people 21 00:01:13,692 --> 00:01:14,985 and a bear every night, 22 00:01:15,068 --> 00:01:16,528 and you never even say thank you. 23 00:01:16,611 --> 00:01:18,655 You just sit there and complain. 24 00:01:18,738 --> 00:01:21,158 Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her. 25 00:01:21,241 --> 00:01:22,826 It's okay, Blaire. 26 00:01:22,909 --> 00:01:25,120 Everyone should have what they like. 27 00:01:25,745 --> 00:01:26,705 What do you want instead? 28 00:01:26,788 --> 00:01:28,040 Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner? 29 00:01:28,123 --> 00:01:29,374 No fuckin' way. 30 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,459 - Aw. - Why not? 31 00:01:30,542 --> 00:01:32,169 Eatin' eggs after noon is gay. 32 00:01:32,252 --> 00:01:34,213 What the fuck are you talking about? 33 00:01:34,296 --> 00:01:35,130 Think about it. 34 00:01:35,213 --> 00:01:36,465 The gays are up all night 35 00:01:36,548 --> 00:01:37,466 doin' stuff to each other, 36 00:01:37,549 --> 00:01:38,467 and they miss breakfast. 37 00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:40,093 So they invent brunch. 38 00:01:40,385 --> 00:01:41,428 They meet up around 11, 39 00:01:41,511 --> 00:01:42,804 they have their fruity little drinks, 40 00:01:42,887 --> 00:01:44,139 they talk about hairstyles 41 00:01:44,222 --> 00:01:45,557 and lotions and whatever the fuck. 42 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:47,392 And by the time they start eatin' their breakfast, 43 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,685 it's after noon. 44 00:01:48,768 --> 00:01:50,062 That's actually a solid theory. 45 00:01:50,145 --> 00:01:51,188 Yeah, I got no notes. 46 00:01:51,271 --> 00:01:52,814 So the exact cutoff time 47 00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:55,192 for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.? 48 00:01:55,275 --> 00:01:56,818 - Is that the theory? - Yes. 49 00:01:56,901 --> 00:01:57,986 Oh, that's why McDonald's 50 00:01:58,069 --> 00:01:59,321 stops serving breakfast at 11. 51 00:01:59,404 --> 00:02:00,697 Right. They don't want guys banging 52 00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:01,907 each other in the bathroom. 53 00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:03,367 Pretty sure that happens anyway. 54 00:02:03,450 --> 00:02:04,993 - Oh, dear. - What? 55 00:02:05,076 --> 00:02:07,830 I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure. 56 00:02:07,913 --> 00:02:10,249 No, no, no. Eggs in stuff is okay, 57 00:02:10,332 --> 00:02:12,000 but on their own, gay. 58 00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:14,503 I don't want to take any chances. 59 00:02:14,586 --> 00:02:17,339 Johnny's at a very impressionable age. 60 00:02:17,422 --> 00:02:18,841 Hey, Dad, what happens 61 00:02:18,924 --> 00:02:20,884 if you accidentally eat an egg after noon? 62 00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:22,511 You gotta chase it with a straight food. 63 00:02:22,594 --> 00:02:24,513 - Like what? - Stew. 64 00:02:24,596 --> 00:02:25,596 Oh, my God, 65 00:02:26,097 --> 00:02:28,517 I ate an egg the night I decided I liked girls. 66 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,019 - See? - But I only ate half. 67 00:02:31,603 --> 00:02:33,688 - That's why I go both ways. - Right there. 68 00:02:34,856 --> 00:02:36,316 They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough. 69 00:02:36,983 --> 00:02:39,110 Hey, it's not your fault, Blaire. 70 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:57,713 Teddy, look, it's Sheila Borgwardt. 71 00:02:57,796 --> 00:02:59,548 Fuck! She's got to be the hottest drug dealer 72 00:02:59,631 --> 00:03:01,007 on the planet. 73 00:03:01,466 --> 00:03:03,093 Hey, you know, I just realized something. 74 00:03:03,176 --> 00:03:04,469 - What? - I ain't seen her 75 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:05,929 since I turned 18. 76 00:03:06,012 --> 00:03:06,972 I'm an adult now. 77 00:03:07,055 --> 00:03:08,724 And adults buy drugs. 78 00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:10,726 That is the main thing they do. Yes. 79 00:03:10,809 --> 00:03:12,644 I, John Bennett, 80 00:03:12,727 --> 00:03:15,146 am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwardt. 81 00:03:15,647 --> 00:03:17,190 - How do I look? - Doesn't matter. 82 00:03:20,193 --> 00:03:21,193 Hey, Sheila. 83 00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:24,739 - Hey. - I'm John… Bennett. 84 00:03:25,490 --> 00:03:27,325 We, uh, we met last year, remember? 85 00:03:27,742 --> 00:03:29,035 Um, possibly. 86 00:03:30,370 --> 00:03:33,331 My, uh… my diarrhea is gone. 87 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,584 - Oh. - Yeah. 88 00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:37,043 It's all normal now. 89 00:03:37,836 --> 00:03:39,463 I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever, 90 00:03:39,546 --> 00:03:40,547 and something will happen 91 00:03:40,630 --> 00:03:42,507 but for the most part, I've been solid. 92 00:03:43,592 --> 00:03:45,802 Sheila. Hi, Ted. We've also met. 93 00:03:45,885 --> 00:03:48,305 Listen, John here has recently become a man. 94 00:03:48,388 --> 00:03:52,351 Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way. 95 00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:54,769 And he would like to purchase some marijuana from you. 96 00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:57,773 Uh… sure. 97 00:03:57,856 --> 00:03:58,815 How much you want? 98 00:03:58,898 --> 00:04:00,609 Holy shit. Really? 99 00:04:00,692 --> 00:04:02,569 Oh, man. Being an adult rocks. 100 00:04:03,111 --> 00:04:04,696 I got birthday money from Nana and Pop-Pop. 101 00:04:04,779 --> 00:04:06,949 And I want to spend it all. $200. 102 00:04:07,032 --> 00:04:08,783 - Two hundred? - Yeah. 103 00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:10,368 Okay. 104 00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:19,920 Here's a quarter pound. Thank you. 105 00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:21,588 Holy shit. 106 00:04:23,882 --> 00:04:25,551 That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed. 107 00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,052 That is fuckin' beautiful. 108 00:04:27,135 --> 00:04:28,135 Sheila… 109 00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:30,263 thanks for being my first time. 110 00:04:30,931 --> 00:04:31,931 Please don't say that. 111 00:04:32,474 --> 00:04:35,560 I don't know why I lied to you. I have had diarrhea. 112 00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:36,979 Okay. 113 00:04:37,062 --> 00:04:38,397 And within the hour. 114 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,273 Enjoy your buzz. 115 00:04:45,570 --> 00:04:47,614 You will never not be a virgin. 116 00:04:51,409 --> 00:04:53,078 I don't, I don't ever think 117 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,372 I've been this high before. 118 00:04:55,455 --> 00:04:57,249 Do I have human feet right now? 119 00:04:57,332 --> 00:04:59,418 I feel like I have human feet. 120 00:04:59,501 --> 00:05:01,170 Oh, no. 121 00:05:01,253 --> 00:05:02,462 What do human feet feel like? 122 00:05:02,545 --> 00:05:04,714 Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask someone. 123 00:05:06,091 --> 00:05:07,259 Hey, boys. 124 00:05:07,926 --> 00:05:09,761 Mom, what are you doing here? 125 00:05:09,844 --> 00:05:10,846 Show me your feet. 126 00:05:10,929 --> 00:05:12,598 It's such a beautiful day. 127 00:05:12,681 --> 00:05:15,225 I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, 128 00:05:15,308 --> 00:05:17,227 we could go to the mall and I could get you 129 00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:19,855 some graduation underwear. 130 00:05:19,938 --> 00:05:23,025 Underwear? It goes over your butt. 131 00:05:23,108 --> 00:05:25,694 And maybe afterward, we can go to Sears 132 00:05:25,777 --> 00:05:27,571 and get our portraits made. 133 00:05:27,654 --> 00:05:29,489 Show me your fuckin' feet! 134 00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:36,038 So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind 135 00:05:36,121 --> 00:05:37,706 of underwear you should get. 136 00:05:37,789 --> 00:05:41,209 And I believe a boy's underwear should match his father's. 137 00:05:42,002 --> 00:05:43,295 But then I prayed about it. 138 00:05:43,378 --> 00:05:45,589 And if you want to try something different, 139 00:05:45,672 --> 00:05:47,465 I think it'd be okay. 140 00:05:48,883 --> 00:05:50,677 Fuck, you're so soft. 141 00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:53,430 Have you always been this soft? 142 00:05:53,513 --> 00:05:55,724 Yeah. I'm a fuckin' teddy bear, dude. 143 00:05:56,516 --> 00:05:59,937 Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear. 144 00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:01,354 What was that? 145 00:06:02,022 --> 00:06:03,899 Oh, my God! Are we on fire? 146 00:06:03,982 --> 00:06:08,111 Uh, it's okay, boys. It's just a policeman. 147 00:06:08,194 --> 00:06:09,738 Fuck! We got all this weed. 148 00:06:09,821 --> 00:06:11,907 Maybe he's not a cop. Maybe he's a stripper. 149 00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:13,408 Oh, yeah. 150 00:06:13,491 --> 00:06:15,118 'Cause sometimes they dress up like cops. 151 00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:17,287 If he says you have the right to remain sexy, 152 00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:18,788 we're in the clear. 153 00:06:36,181 --> 00:06:37,182 Good afternoon, ma'am. 154 00:06:38,058 --> 00:06:39,268 Can I see your license and registration? 155 00:06:39,351 --> 00:06:41,186 Touch his dick and see how he reacts. 156 00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:42,437 Oh, of course. 157 00:06:43,521 --> 00:06:44,940 Is something wrong, officer? 158 00:06:45,023 --> 00:06:46,692 You're aware that your left brake light's out? 159 00:06:46,775 --> 00:06:49,111 Oh, dear. 160 00:06:49,194 --> 00:06:51,989 My husband usually takes care of these things, 161 00:06:52,072 --> 00:06:54,533 but he's been having solid urines. 162 00:06:54,616 --> 00:06:56,868 Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. 163 00:06:57,244 --> 00:06:59,288 - Excuse me? - Yeah, I know our rights. 164 00:06:59,371 --> 00:07:01,206 And you ain't got no right to search this car 165 00:07:01,289 --> 00:07:04,042 or this pocket of this backpack without a warrant. 166 00:07:04,417 --> 00:07:05,586 Well, that's not at all suspicious. 167 00:07:05,669 --> 00:07:07,754 Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you 168 00:07:08,046 --> 00:07:09,631 pullin' over a law-abiding family 169 00:07:09,714 --> 00:07:11,383 on their way to buy clean underwear 170 00:07:11,466 --> 00:07:13,468 with absolutely no drugs of any kind anywhere 171 00:07:13,551 --> 00:07:15,137 in the car or on their persons. 172 00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:16,888 Okay, everyone step out of the car. 173 00:07:17,555 --> 00:07:18,807 Fuck. 174 00:07:28,066 --> 00:07:29,526 Mom, I gotta tell you something. 175 00:07:29,609 --> 00:07:31,153 What is it, honey? 176 00:07:31,236 --> 00:07:32,237 I'm holding. 177 00:07:32,904 --> 00:07:35,824 Oh. Well, try to hold it as long as you can. 178 00:07:35,907 --> 00:07:37,534 And then I can take you to the ladies' room 179 00:07:37,617 --> 00:07:38,535 when we get to the mall 180 00:07:38,618 --> 00:07:40,370 so you can do your doo-doos. 181 00:07:40,453 --> 00:07:42,414 No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack. 182 00:07:42,497 --> 00:07:43,915 I bought it after school. 183 00:07:44,916 --> 00:07:46,001 - What? - I know, 184 00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:48,420 I know, I'm stupid, and-and I'm sorry. 185 00:07:49,004 --> 00:07:51,089 Oh, Johnny… 186 00:07:51,923 --> 00:07:53,425 you're 18 now. 187 00:07:54,509 --> 00:07:55,927 You could get the chair. 188 00:07:56,469 --> 00:07:57,470 What do we have here? 189 00:07:58,346 --> 00:07:59,431 Whose is this? 190 00:08:00,515 --> 00:08:02,267 - It's… - Mine. 191 00:08:03,351 --> 00:08:04,353 It's mine. 192 00:08:04,436 --> 00:08:05,729 - John and Ted: What? - Yours? 193 00:08:05,812 --> 00:08:08,065 I am hooked on the junk, officer! 194 00:08:08,148 --> 00:08:09,024 Mom, what are you doing? 195 00:08:09,107 --> 00:08:12,069 I eat it and I shoot it, 196 00:08:12,152 --> 00:08:14,446 and I take it in all the ways. 197 00:08:14,529 --> 00:08:17,949 And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned. 198 00:08:18,491 --> 00:08:19,534 Fuckin' hippies. 199 00:08:20,368 --> 00:08:21,453 Turn around. 200 00:08:23,622 --> 00:08:25,290 Hey, I know her rights! 201 00:08:25,373 --> 00:08:26,708 Oh, yeah? What are they? 202 00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:27,918 Aw, fuck. 203 00:08:33,381 --> 00:08:35,968 Boys, there's some emergency ziti in the freezer, 204 00:08:36,051 --> 00:08:37,719 and a Stouffer's in the basement. 205 00:08:37,802 --> 00:08:38,802 Watch your head. 206 00:08:53,652 --> 00:08:54,736 - He took Mom. - He took our weed! 207 00:08:55,654 --> 00:08:58,323 A-and he… And he took Susan as well. Oh! 208 00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:00,742 Oh, no! 209 00:09:02,077 --> 00:09:03,579 You can't do that to Bret Hart, 210 00:09:03,662 --> 00:09:05,163 you big, fat foreigner! 211 00:09:09,542 --> 00:09:11,628 Where the hell have you been? Where's your mother? 212 00:09:11,711 --> 00:09:12,711 Matty… 213 00:09:14,547 --> 00:09:15,882 …let's talk. 214 00:09:16,925 --> 00:09:18,176 What the fuck? 215 00:09:19,552 --> 00:09:21,096 Run, Johnny! Stay alive! 216 00:09:21,179 --> 00:09:23,265 No matter what happens, I will find you. 217 00:09:23,348 --> 00:09:24,641 Get the fuck back here! 218 00:09:24,724 --> 00:09:26,142 Oh, jeez. 219 00:09:27,519 --> 00:09:28,520 Ah, fuck! 220 00:09:30,355 --> 00:09:32,816 Stupid fucking moron! Bastards! 221 00:09:32,899 --> 00:09:35,277 Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is going on here? 222 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,321 These two dumbshits got caught with drugs 223 00:09:37,404 --> 00:09:39,364 and let Susan get arrested for it! 224 00:09:39,698 --> 00:09:40,699 What? 225 00:09:41,116 --> 00:09:43,869 Is that true? Yeah. 226 00:09:43,952 --> 00:09:45,537 Stupid fuckin' morons! 227 00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:46,746 Bastards! 228 00:09:53,712 --> 00:09:55,046 I'll be right back. 229 00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:58,550 You stay here and write your confession, dipshit. 230 00:10:03,388 --> 00:10:05,390 - I can't do it. - Why not? 231 00:10:05,473 --> 00:10:07,559 I'm scared, Blaire. I can't go to jail. 232 00:10:07,642 --> 00:10:08,644 Oh, but you're perfectly fine 233 00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:10,646 with your mother going in your place? 234 00:10:10,729 --> 00:10:12,189 I swear to God, this is exactly 235 00:10:12,272 --> 00:10:13,524 what I was talking about last night 236 00:10:13,607 --> 00:10:14,858 on fucking steroids. 237 00:10:14,941 --> 00:10:16,568 Susan does everything for this family, 238 00:10:16,651 --> 00:10:17,903 and nobody ever does shit for her. 239 00:10:17,986 --> 00:10:19,655 Well, look at this face, Blaire. 240 00:10:19,738 --> 00:10:21,740 Look at his mouth. It's so youthful. 241 00:10:21,823 --> 00:10:24,159 If he goes to prison, it's gonna be filled with dicks. 242 00:10:24,242 --> 00:10:26,411 And how does a mouth full of dicks help Susan? 243 00:10:26,494 --> 00:10:27,579 Oh, fuck you guys. 244 00:10:32,626 --> 00:10:33,919 A mouth full of dicks? 245 00:10:34,002 --> 00:10:35,546 I was exaggerating for effect. 246 00:10:35,629 --> 00:10:37,297 It'll probably just be one or two dicks… 247 00:10:38,757 --> 00:10:40,091 but they'll be big ones, Johnny. 248 00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:42,801 Yes, they will. 249 00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:55,399 Hey. How you doin'? 250 00:10:55,482 --> 00:10:58,610 Oh. I'm fine, Matty. 251 00:10:59,527 --> 00:11:01,613 Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti? 252 00:11:01,696 --> 00:11:03,031 Don't you fuckin' worry. 253 00:11:03,114 --> 00:11:05,534 Johnny's gonna confess, and you'll be home by tonight. 254 00:11:05,617 --> 00:11:08,620 No, Matty, don't make him do that. 255 00:11:08,703 --> 00:11:10,372 It was my choice. 256 00:11:10,455 --> 00:11:11,415 What? 257 00:11:11,498 --> 00:11:13,625 Johnny's 18 now. 258 00:11:13,708 --> 00:11:16,545 He's just startin' his life. 259 00:11:16,628 --> 00:11:18,755 This could ruin his future. 260 00:11:18,838 --> 00:11:21,133 It could keep him from going to college. 261 00:11:21,216 --> 00:11:24,636 It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang. 262 00:11:24,719 --> 00:11:26,388 But they were his drugs. 263 00:11:26,471 --> 00:11:27,973 He's gotta learn responsibility. 264 00:11:28,056 --> 00:11:29,349 Not like this. 265 00:11:30,809 --> 00:11:32,603 Promise me you won't make him. 266 00:11:32,686 --> 00:11:33,853 Susan. 267 00:11:37,148 --> 00:11:38,066 Fine. 268 00:11:38,149 --> 00:11:40,652 Besides, it's my first offense. 269 00:11:40,735 --> 00:11:43,739 I'm sure they'll go easy on me. 270 00:11:43,822 --> 00:11:46,783 I sentence you to 20 years in state prison. 271 00:11:47,826 --> 00:11:48,826 Next case. 272 00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:53,081 Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett. 273 00:11:53,164 --> 00:11:54,666 Possession of marijuana. 274 00:11:54,749 --> 00:11:56,502 - Dun-dun! - Stop doing that. 275 00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,086 It's a courtroom, Blaire, I have to. 276 00:11:58,169 --> 00:12:00,631 It's the law. And order. 277 00:12:00,714 --> 00:12:01,632 Dun-dun! 278 00:12:01,715 --> 00:12:02,716 Ow, fuck! 279 00:12:04,884 --> 00:12:06,011 Dun-dun. 280 00:12:06,094 --> 00:12:07,513 Mrs. Bennett, you're charged 281 00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:08,639 with possession of marijuana. 282 00:12:08,722 --> 00:12:09,723 How do you plead? 283 00:12:10,765 --> 00:12:12,350 I cannot lie, Your Honor, 284 00:12:13,518 --> 00:12:15,895 I plead… guilty. 285 00:12:16,521 --> 00:12:18,732 Well, thank you for your honesty. 286 00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:22,444 Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady, 287 00:12:22,527 --> 00:12:23,612 I'm going to be lenient. 288 00:12:24,863 --> 00:12:26,949 I sentence you to ten days in the county jail. 289 00:12:27,032 --> 00:12:28,200 - Ten days? - What the fuck? 290 00:12:28,283 --> 00:12:29,910 Jesus Christ! Court is adjourned. 291 00:12:31,953 --> 00:12:33,038 Dun-dun! 292 00:12:33,121 --> 00:12:34,623 Ah, I like you! 293 00:13:12,244 --> 00:13:14,329 Who the fuck are you? 294 00:13:14,412 --> 00:13:17,249 Hi. I'm Susan Bennett. 295 00:13:17,332 --> 00:13:19,251 I'm your new roommate. 296 00:13:24,005 --> 00:13:27,176 This is a nice place you have here. 297 00:13:27,259 --> 00:13:28,260 What's your name? 298 00:13:28,343 --> 00:13:29,511 Bitch Killer. 299 00:13:29,594 --> 00:13:32,973 Oh, well. Rhymes with Mitch Miller. 300 00:13:33,431 --> 00:13:35,517 The fuck? Why are you here? 301 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,769 Oh, I-I did a very bad thing. 302 00:13:37,852 --> 00:13:39,688 Did you kill a bitch or somethin'? 303 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,774 - Marriage-wana. - No shit. 304 00:13:42,857 --> 00:13:44,693 Oh, no. None at all. 305 00:13:46,027 --> 00:13:47,070 Why are you here? 306 00:13:47,153 --> 00:13:48,947 'Cause the fuckin' system's corrupt. 307 00:13:49,030 --> 00:13:50,908 I ain't do shit. I'm innocent. 308 00:13:50,991 --> 00:13:52,951 Oh, no. 309 00:13:53,034 --> 00:13:54,953 Have you said anything to anyone? 310 00:13:55,620 --> 00:13:56,872 We should let 'em know. 311 00:13:56,955 --> 00:13:59,082 Guard, this woman's innocent. 312 00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:00,083 - Shut the fuck up… - Guard! 313 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:01,752 …and mind your own business. 314 00:14:01,835 --> 00:14:03,044 We ain't friends. 315 00:14:03,461 --> 00:14:04,963 We aren't friends. 316 00:14:06,298 --> 00:14:08,800 But I bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be. 317 00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:12,137 Are you threatening me? 318 00:14:12,220 --> 00:14:13,931 I am Cornholio. 319 00:14:14,014 --> 00:14:15,515 Come on, Beavis, take your seat. 320 00:14:17,058 --> 00:14:19,311 What the fuck is goin' on in here? 321 00:14:19,394 --> 00:14:20,729 We're just watchin' TV. 322 00:14:21,479 --> 00:14:22,981 You two ain't watching shit. 323 00:14:23,064 --> 00:14:25,442 If your mother's in jail, you're in jail. 324 00:14:25,525 --> 00:14:26,985 - What does that mean? - It means 325 00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:29,571 you guys are gonna clean the goddamn house. 326 00:14:29,654 --> 00:14:31,073 You're gonna do the laundry, you're gonna do 327 00:14:31,156 --> 00:14:33,575 the fucking dishes, and you're gonna cook all the meals. 328 00:14:33,658 --> 00:14:34,993 So get ready for fuckin' hell. 329 00:14:35,076 --> 00:14:36,912 Isn't that just Susan's daily routine? 330 00:14:36,995 --> 00:14:38,413 You're goddamn right it is. 331 00:14:38,496 --> 00:14:40,749 And that's their punishment. So get started. 332 00:14:41,082 --> 00:14:42,083 Okay. 333 00:14:42,918 --> 00:14:44,002 Okay. We got this. 334 00:14:44,085 --> 00:14:46,004 It's housekeeping. How hard can it be? 335 00:14:46,087 --> 00:14:48,423 Yeah. Yeah, even the name sounds like a game. 336 00:14:48,506 --> 00:14:49,800 Housekeepin'. 337 00:14:49,883 --> 00:14:52,261 You idiots have no idea what you're talking about. 338 00:14:52,344 --> 00:14:54,012 Oh, yeah? Watch this. 339 00:14:57,015 --> 00:14:59,101 See that? I just kept house. 340 00:14:59,184 --> 00:15:00,269 I'm a housekeeper. 341 00:15:00,352 --> 00:15:01,186 Yeah, and look at me. 342 00:15:01,269 --> 00:15:02,562 I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker. 343 00:15:03,271 --> 00:15:05,440 You know what? I stand corrected. 344 00:15:05,523 --> 00:15:06,775 You guys got this. 345 00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:07,859 Good luck. 346 00:15:09,027 --> 00:15:10,696 All right, I'm gonna dust you, then you dust me. 347 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:11,821 Right. 348 00:15:26,461 --> 00:15:28,296 May I join you ladies? 349 00:15:32,926 --> 00:15:36,554 I'm Susan. I'm bunking with Miss Killer. 350 00:15:37,264 --> 00:15:38,515 What are your names? 351 00:15:38,598 --> 00:15:39,683 Eat a cock. 352 00:15:39,766 --> 00:15:40,976 How about you? 353 00:15:41,059 --> 00:15:42,311 I'm FedEx. 354 00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:44,897 That's Sixty-Nine. That's Gungina. 355 00:15:44,980 --> 00:15:47,232 Men die if they get in my crosshairs. 356 00:15:47,315 --> 00:15:50,485 Oh, these are such interesting names. 357 00:15:50,568 --> 00:15:52,654 Why do they call you FedEx? 358 00:15:52,737 --> 00:15:54,907 'Cause I can get you anything within 24 hours. 359 00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:55,991 Oh. 360 00:15:56,074 --> 00:15:57,326 As long as it fits up my ass. 361 00:15:57,409 --> 00:15:58,577 Oh. 362 00:15:59,411 --> 00:16:00,996 What are you ladies talking about? 363 00:16:01,079 --> 00:16:02,247 The fuckin' food here. 364 00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,291 I wouldn't feed this shit to my fuckin' dog. 365 00:16:05,083 --> 00:16:06,960 I knew a dog once that liked soup. 366 00:16:08,295 --> 00:16:10,422 Isn't that silly? 367 00:16:10,505 --> 00:16:13,175 He belonged to our next door neighbors, 368 00:16:13,258 --> 00:16:15,219 and he was such a sweet, sweet boy. 369 00:16:15,302 --> 00:16:17,054 But then he attacked a toddler, 370 00:16:17,137 --> 00:16:18,931 and they had to put a muzzle on him. 371 00:16:19,014 --> 00:16:21,016 But then he chewed through that muzzle 372 00:16:21,099 --> 00:16:22,684 and attacked another toddler. 373 00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:25,812 And then the church had to move him to another area. 374 00:16:26,605 --> 00:16:29,024 Oh, no, wait, that was Father O'Brien. 375 00:16:31,026 --> 00:16:34,071 Sixty-Nine. What does that name mean? 376 00:16:34,154 --> 00:16:37,366 Listen, ho, if you talk too much around here, you get cut. 377 00:16:37,449 --> 00:16:39,993 So if I were you, I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth. 378 00:16:47,626 --> 00:16:49,253 I don't understand. 379 00:16:49,336 --> 00:16:51,046 All this shit, and somehow all we made 380 00:16:51,129 --> 00:16:52,130 was one boiled egg. 381 00:16:52,547 --> 00:16:53,840 I don't even know if it's any good. 382 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,635 Wait. It's after noon. That's a gay egg. 383 00:16:57,802 --> 00:16:58,929 Shit. 384 00:16:59,012 --> 00:17:00,597 Now I'm thinkin' about John Stamos pushin' 385 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,099 a lawn mower shirtless. 386 00:17:02,182 --> 00:17:04,142 What the fuck are you idiots doing in there? 387 00:17:04,225 --> 00:17:06,144 - Where's dinner? - It's almost ready. 388 00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:08,146 Okay, we gotta think of something. 389 00:17:08,229 --> 00:17:09,565 Mom normally goes to the store on Saturday, 390 00:17:09,648 --> 00:17:10,566 so there ain't much here. 391 00:17:10,649 --> 00:17:12,150 Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims, 392 00:17:12,233 --> 00:17:13,986 white bread, shredded cheese, 393 00:17:14,069 --> 00:17:15,404 and a shit ton of condiments. 394 00:17:15,487 --> 00:17:16,696 I got an idea. 395 00:17:21,576 --> 00:17:22,576 Okay. 396 00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,038 Gourmet hot dogs. 397 00:17:27,832 --> 00:17:29,084 What the hell is this? 398 00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:30,167 What do you mean? It's dinner. 399 00:17:30,502 --> 00:17:32,004 This pile of shit is dinner? 400 00:17:32,087 --> 00:17:34,339 We call it the frankfurther. 401 00:17:34,422 --> 00:17:37,593 We've taken the hot dog into the radical '90s. 402 00:17:37,676 --> 00:17:39,011 Whoa! 403 00:17:39,094 --> 00:17:40,387 Surf's up. 404 00:17:41,429 --> 00:17:43,932 What? I ain't eatin' that shit. 405 00:17:44,015 --> 00:17:45,142 Unbelievable. 406 00:17:45,225 --> 00:17:46,143 We slave away in there, 407 00:17:46,226 --> 00:17:47,853 we make you a delicious meal, 408 00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:50,439 we drop it on the floor, pick it up, and rinse it off, 409 00:17:50,522 --> 00:17:52,149 and this is the thanks we get. 410 00:17:52,232 --> 00:17:54,526 You know, I knew you two would fuck this up. 411 00:17:54,609 --> 00:17:56,028 Fuck it. 412 00:17:56,111 --> 00:17:58,697 I'll go to the grocery store, and I'll do it myself. 413 00:18:01,866 --> 00:18:03,868 Can I get some goddamn help here? 414 00:18:06,079 --> 00:18:08,039 Where's the fuckin' dinner aisle? 415 00:18:10,292 --> 00:18:12,711 This box has a picture of what I want. 416 00:18:18,383 --> 00:18:19,551 Hey, hey, hey! 417 00:18:20,218 --> 00:18:21,303 Ah, fuck! 418 00:18:21,386 --> 00:18:22,846 Bitch Killer: This is fucking bullshit! 419 00:18:22,929 --> 00:18:25,390 - What's goin' on? - Surprise inspection. 420 00:18:26,099 --> 00:18:28,560 Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess. 421 00:18:28,643 --> 00:18:29,645 I'm gonna get written up again 422 00:18:29,728 --> 00:18:31,230 and lose my watercolor privileges. 423 00:18:31,313 --> 00:18:33,148 Bitch Killer, get in here! 424 00:18:33,231 --> 00:18:34,941 Shit! 425 00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:41,573 This is the cleanest bunk I have ever seen. 426 00:18:41,656 --> 00:18:43,825 What the fuck? 427 00:18:43,908 --> 00:18:45,202 What's that smell? 428 00:18:45,285 --> 00:18:46,578 It's potpourri. 429 00:18:47,412 --> 00:18:50,040 I made it with the dried flowers from the memorial 430 00:18:50,123 --> 00:18:53,001 for that lady who was stabbed in the shower the other day. 431 00:18:53,084 --> 00:18:54,461 Well, it's lovely. 432 00:18:55,295 --> 00:18:57,339 Congratulations, Bitch Killer. 433 00:18:57,422 --> 00:18:59,341 You passed inspection for once. 434 00:19:00,258 --> 00:19:02,302 But I got my eye on you. 435 00:19:05,931 --> 00:19:07,599 You did this? 436 00:19:07,682 --> 00:19:08,600 Yeah. 437 00:19:08,683 --> 00:19:09,852 Why? 438 00:19:09,935 --> 00:19:12,396 Oh, I'm so used to picking up Johnny's room. 439 00:19:12,479 --> 00:19:13,856 It was easy. 440 00:19:13,939 --> 00:19:15,106 Also… 441 00:19:16,983 --> 00:19:20,237 I made you some slippers out of maxi pads. 442 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,281 How'd you know my size? 443 00:19:22,364 --> 00:19:24,116 The slippers or the maxi pads? 444 00:19:24,199 --> 00:19:25,450 Good lookin' out. 445 00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:28,620 Oh, I don't know what that means. 446 00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:36,419 The Family Feud! 447 00:19:38,171 --> 00:19:39,715 Teddy, dryer's done. 448 00:19:39,798 --> 00:19:42,592 Richard Dawson! 449 00:19:43,718 --> 00:19:44,719 Teddy? 450 00:19:52,978 --> 00:19:54,938 Jesus Christ! 451 00:19:55,021 --> 00:19:56,148 Teddy, what happened? 452 00:19:56,231 --> 00:19:57,399 Next time you start that thing, 453 00:19:57,482 --> 00:19:58,775 fuckin' knock first. 454 00:19:58,858 --> 00:20:00,569 Hey, what the fuck is goin' on 455 00:20:00,652 --> 00:20:01,904 with the laundry, huh? 456 00:20:01,987 --> 00:20:03,572 Everything I own is too small, 457 00:20:03,655 --> 00:20:04,948 and I can't find my underwear. 458 00:20:05,031 --> 00:20:06,283 Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out. 459 00:20:06,366 --> 00:20:07,743 What? Why? 460 00:20:07,826 --> 00:20:09,286 'Cause they were covered in skid marks. 461 00:20:09,369 --> 00:20:12,122 Well, I-I can't go to work without any underwear on. 462 00:20:12,205 --> 00:20:14,333 The guys will bust my fuckin' chops all day. 463 00:20:14,416 --> 00:20:17,169 How, how will they know you're not wearin' underwear? 464 00:20:17,252 --> 00:20:18,337 Don't play dumb. 465 00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:19,588 Well, what do you want us to do? 466 00:20:19,671 --> 00:20:21,340 Go dig 'em out of the fuckin' trash 467 00:20:21,423 --> 00:20:22,882 and put some Wite-Out on 'em. 468 00:20:24,217 --> 00:20:25,344 - Go! - Goddammit! 469 00:20:25,427 --> 00:20:26,511 We're on it. We're fuckin' goin'! 470 00:20:40,692 --> 00:20:42,361 Hello, ladies. 471 00:20:42,444 --> 00:20:44,279 What the fuck you doin' back there? 472 00:20:44,362 --> 00:20:46,448 Well, you were saying you didn't like the food. 473 00:20:46,531 --> 00:20:47,824 So I talked to the warden, 474 00:20:47,907 --> 00:20:49,326 I made a few suggestions, 475 00:20:49,409 --> 00:20:52,120 and she put me in charge of the kitchen. 476 00:20:52,203 --> 00:20:53,372 Is that meatloaf? 477 00:20:53,455 --> 00:20:55,415 Yeah. Would you like to try it? 478 00:20:59,878 --> 00:21:02,297 Oh, my God, that's fuckin' great. 479 00:21:02,380 --> 00:21:04,800 It reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf. 480 00:21:04,883 --> 00:21:07,553 I used pigeon eggs… and some pigeon, 481 00:21:07,636 --> 00:21:09,972 but I think it turned out okay. 482 00:21:10,055 --> 00:21:11,014 Hey. 483 00:21:11,097 --> 00:21:13,350 The fuck you want, Half Foot? 484 00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:17,187 Half Foot? What a cute name. 485 00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:19,189 Is it because you're short? 486 00:21:19,272 --> 00:21:20,816 Not that it's any of your fucking business, 487 00:21:20,899 --> 00:21:21,859 but yeah. 488 00:21:21,942 --> 00:21:23,360 And also because I lost half my foot 489 00:21:23,443 --> 00:21:24,236 in a shovel fight. 490 00:21:24,319 --> 00:21:26,112 Oh, dear. 491 00:21:26,738 --> 00:21:29,324 Well, at least you don't have to trim your toenails. 492 00:21:29,407 --> 00:21:30,659 It's not that half of the foot. 493 00:21:30,742 --> 00:21:31,743 Oh. 494 00:21:31,826 --> 00:21:33,871 I was kitchen bitch until yesterday. 495 00:21:33,954 --> 00:21:35,330 You stole my fuckin' job. 496 00:21:35,413 --> 00:21:37,166 They put me down in the motherfuckin' laundry. 497 00:21:37,249 --> 00:21:38,417 Oh, I'm sorry. 498 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:41,003 I-I didn't mean to take anyone's job. 499 00:21:41,086 --> 00:21:43,005 I was just trying to make the food better. 500 00:21:43,088 --> 00:21:45,757 Oh, so my food was shit? Is that what you're saying? 501 00:21:47,634 --> 00:21:48,969 You're dead meat. 502 00:21:53,473 --> 00:21:55,100 Sixty-Nine? 503 00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:57,310 I could use a hug right now. 504 00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,404 Why the fuck do I got to know how to read? 505 00:22:07,487 --> 00:22:08,488 My mom couldn't read, 506 00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:09,907 and she made bank from giving head. 507 00:22:09,990 --> 00:22:12,743 Aww, reading's wonderful for your head. 508 00:22:12,826 --> 00:22:15,287 And it's not hard to learn at all. 509 00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:18,457 Now, I borrowed this from the jail library. 510 00:22:18,540 --> 00:22:20,542 The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 511 00:22:21,251 --> 00:22:22,920 You think you've been naughty? 512 00:22:23,003 --> 00:22:25,506 Wait till you see what he gets up to. 513 00:22:25,589 --> 00:22:27,424 The fuck is all this shit? 514 00:22:27,507 --> 00:22:29,301 Oh, hi, Half Foot. 515 00:22:29,384 --> 00:22:32,429 I was just teaching Gungina how to read. 516 00:22:32,512 --> 00:22:34,765 Would you like me to teach you how to read too? 517 00:22:34,848 --> 00:22:37,267 What? First you steal my fuckin' job, 518 00:22:37,350 --> 00:22:38,935 now you calling me fuckin' illiterate? 519 00:22:40,103 --> 00:22:42,147 How would you like half a foot in your ass? 520 00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:43,857 Is there a problem here? 521 00:22:44,608 --> 00:22:46,860 No. No problem. 522 00:22:48,403 --> 00:22:49,613 I'll be seeing you, Susan. 523 00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:51,364 Okay. 524 00:22:51,948 --> 00:22:53,033 Bye-bye. 525 00:22:54,451 --> 00:22:55,953 Oh! Excuse me, guard? 526 00:22:56,036 --> 00:22:56,954 What? 527 00:22:57,037 --> 00:22:59,289 What are the plans for Easter? 528 00:22:59,372 --> 00:23:02,292 - Easter? - Well, it's this Sunday. 529 00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:04,461 I imagine the warden's providing the baskets, 530 00:23:04,544 --> 00:23:08,006 but who do I talk to about getting 700 colored eggs? 531 00:23:08,089 --> 00:23:11,176 This is jail. There ain't no plans for Easter. 532 00:23:11,259 --> 00:23:13,428 But it's Jesus' big day. 533 00:23:14,054 --> 00:23:16,473 How will he know we care if we don't hide eggs? 534 00:23:16,556 --> 00:23:18,058 Not my problem. 535 00:23:21,978 --> 00:23:25,440 Oh, Gungina, that's not what those holes are for. 536 00:23:31,446 --> 00:23:34,240 Goddamn. How'd this happen so fast? 537 00:23:34,616 --> 00:23:37,578 Dude, this is, uh… Do you use this sock for, uh… 538 00:23:37,661 --> 00:23:40,164 - Lovemakin'. Yes. - Yeah. 539 00:23:40,247 --> 00:23:42,332 Yeah, it usually gets washed before it gets like that. 540 00:23:44,501 --> 00:23:46,503 Well, guess we should change the sheets. 541 00:23:46,586 --> 00:23:47,587 Yeah. 542 00:23:59,099 --> 00:24:00,601 Anything else covered in dried cum 543 00:24:00,684 --> 00:24:02,227 that I should know about? 544 00:24:05,814 --> 00:24:07,566 So I said, "Oh, yeah, motherfucker?" 545 00:24:07,649 --> 00:24:10,569 and I cut half his dick off. 546 00:24:10,652 --> 00:24:12,571 - Oh. - Which half? 547 00:24:12,654 --> 00:24:14,614 The left half. 548 00:24:17,117 --> 00:24:18,451 What are you laughin' at? 549 00:24:19,369 --> 00:24:20,453 Is it me? 550 00:24:21,288 --> 00:24:24,541 Is it my body? Are you laughin' at my body? 551 00:24:24,624 --> 00:24:27,628 Chill out, cracker. This ain't got nothin' to do with you. 552 00:24:27,711 --> 00:24:29,963 What did you just call me, inmate? 553 00:24:31,673 --> 00:24:33,425 You lookin' for trouble, Bitch Killer? 554 00:24:33,508 --> 00:24:35,802 Excuse me. Can I say something? 555 00:24:37,846 --> 00:24:40,807 I don't think you ladies understand just how difficult 556 00:24:40,890 --> 00:24:42,768 a job Mrs. Guard has. 557 00:24:42,851 --> 00:24:44,311 Are you takin' her fuckin' side? 558 00:24:44,394 --> 00:24:47,731 Well, I saw on 60 Minutes that prison guards have 559 00:24:47,814 --> 00:24:49,566 a very, very hard job. 560 00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:52,444 They put their lives at risk every day. 561 00:24:52,527 --> 00:24:55,739 They only make about $24,000 a year. 562 00:24:56,197 --> 00:24:57,908 Plus, they have to buy their own gun, 563 00:24:57,991 --> 00:25:00,786 which many of them use to kill themselves. 564 00:25:00,869 --> 00:25:02,120 Or our spouses. 565 00:25:02,203 --> 00:25:04,581 They're real people, just like us. 566 00:25:04,664 --> 00:25:06,250 Thank you, Susan. 567 00:25:06,333 --> 00:25:07,584 That means a lot. 568 00:25:07,667 --> 00:25:10,879 And I think you have a wonderful body. 569 00:25:13,089 --> 00:25:14,716 I need to go call my mother. 570 00:25:26,019 --> 00:25:27,646 Michael, are you sure you know what you're doing? 571 00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:38,615 Is that your wedding tux? 572 00:25:38,698 --> 00:25:40,241 It's the only thing that's clean. 573 00:25:40,951 --> 00:25:42,161 Aah. 574 00:25:42,244 --> 00:25:43,662 Ah, what is that a puddle of? 575 00:25:43,745 --> 00:25:45,122 You don't wanna know. Heads up. 576 00:25:45,205 --> 00:25:46,831 I'm gonna send down the trash. 577 00:25:52,712 --> 00:25:53,712 Boys… 578 00:25:54,923 --> 00:25:56,633 back in 'Nam, we learned 579 00:25:56,716 --> 00:25:58,718 when it's time to abandon your post. 580 00:25:59,803 --> 00:26:00,803 That time is now. 581 00:26:01,888 --> 00:26:03,473 Hey, hey, hey, not that way. 582 00:26:03,556 --> 00:26:06,143 Jesus Christ, don't go near the fuckin' bees' nest. 583 00:26:06,226 --> 00:26:07,644 Well, how are we supposed to get out? 584 00:26:07,727 --> 00:26:09,729 There's a beaver dam blocking the kitchen door. 585 00:26:42,637 --> 00:26:45,098 Yo, what the fuck you doin' in my cell, bitch? 586 00:26:45,181 --> 00:26:47,434 Oh, hi, Half Foot. 587 00:26:47,517 --> 00:26:48,852 You just ran out of fuckin' time. 588 00:26:50,437 --> 00:26:51,646 Happy Easter. 589 00:26:52,105 --> 00:26:53,690 - What? - Easter is all about 590 00:26:53,773 --> 00:26:54,773 second chances. 591 00:26:55,859 --> 00:26:58,278 Jesus got a second chance. 592 00:26:59,321 --> 00:27:01,656 I think our friendship deserves one too. 593 00:27:06,703 --> 00:27:07,996 Fruit By the Foot? 594 00:27:08,079 --> 00:27:10,540 Now you can have all the feet you could ever want. 595 00:27:13,668 --> 00:27:14,628 Thanks. 596 00:27:14,711 --> 00:27:15,587 Bitch Killer: Susan. 597 00:27:15,670 --> 00:27:17,881 You got us all Easter baskets? 598 00:27:17,964 --> 00:27:19,591 Oh, it was nothing. 599 00:27:19,674 --> 00:27:22,553 And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help. 600 00:27:22,636 --> 00:27:24,638 I got Peeps. Real Peeps. 601 00:27:24,721 --> 00:27:26,390 And a Cadbury Creme Egg! 602 00:27:26,473 --> 00:27:28,642 - Mine's empty. - Don't you worry. 603 00:27:28,725 --> 00:27:30,310 The candy's on its way. 604 00:27:31,353 --> 00:27:33,188 It's shipped but not delivered. 605 00:27:34,689 --> 00:27:35,690 Let's eat. 606 00:27:56,253 --> 00:27:58,589 Faster with that Wite-Out! Come on! Move! 607 00:27:58,672 --> 00:28:00,507 You're shittin' faster than we can paint. 608 00:28:00,590 --> 00:28:01,508 Jesus. 609 00:28:01,591 --> 00:28:03,385 Mom's job is really fuckin' hard. 610 00:28:04,010 --> 00:28:05,345 Yeah. No shit. 611 00:28:05,762 --> 00:28:07,764 It's about time you ingrates figured that out. 612 00:28:07,847 --> 00:28:09,516 Sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow 613 00:28:09,599 --> 00:28:11,018 to the house looking like this. 614 00:28:11,101 --> 00:28:12,269 She deserves more. 615 00:28:12,352 --> 00:28:14,354 Yeah. She does. 616 00:28:14,729 --> 00:28:15,730 Hey, Blaire. 617 00:28:16,273 --> 00:28:18,817 If we promise to do better, will you help us put 618 00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:21,111 the house back together for Mom? 619 00:28:21,528 --> 00:28:23,071 Are you asking me because I'm a woman? 620 00:28:23,530 --> 00:28:27,200 No, I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here. 621 00:28:28,368 --> 00:28:30,579 Fine. Yeah, I'll do it. 622 00:28:30,912 --> 00:28:31,912 For Susan. 623 00:28:32,414 --> 00:28:33,457 Thanks, Blaire. 624 00:28:33,540 --> 00:28:35,417 Grab a brush. We're paintin' undies. 625 00:28:42,549 --> 00:28:43,800 Gonna miss you, Susan. 626 00:28:43,883 --> 00:28:47,804 Aw. I'm gonna miss you all so much. 627 00:28:47,887 --> 00:28:49,723 It ain't gonna be the same in here without you. 628 00:28:49,806 --> 00:28:52,559 My ass is full but so is my heart. 629 00:28:52,642 --> 00:28:53,727 Thanks for teaching me to read. 630 00:28:53,810 --> 00:28:57,314 From now on, my name is Bookgina. 631 00:28:57,397 --> 00:29:00,150 And I'ma keep watering my foot, just like you said. 632 00:29:00,233 --> 00:29:01,776 I know it'll grow back one day. 633 00:29:02,944 --> 00:29:04,821 Ah, Bitch Killer. 634 00:29:04,904 --> 00:29:07,324 Thank you for being the best roommate 635 00:29:07,407 --> 00:29:09,743 a girl could ever ask for. 636 00:29:10,076 --> 00:29:12,412 No, Susan, thank you. 637 00:29:13,413 --> 00:29:15,123 Uh, I got one more surprise for you. 638 00:29:15,749 --> 00:29:16,958 What is it? 639 00:29:18,668 --> 00:29:20,879 Oh, dear. 640 00:29:20,962 --> 00:29:22,840 I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink. 641 00:29:22,923 --> 00:29:25,843 It's so… big. 642 00:29:25,926 --> 00:29:27,135 She did it when we still hated you. 643 00:29:27,594 --> 00:29:29,012 Four bitches held me down in the shower. 644 00:29:29,638 --> 00:29:30,931 It's funny how things work out. 645 00:29:31,014 --> 00:29:33,141 God always has a plan. 646 00:29:34,142 --> 00:29:36,227 Goodbye, girls. 647 00:29:56,206 --> 00:29:57,207 Okay. 648 00:29:58,124 --> 00:29:59,668 - That's a lot better. - Yeah. 649 00:30:01,378 --> 00:30:02,880 - Mom! - Oh, my God! 650 00:30:02,963 --> 00:30:04,089 Hey, hey! 651 00:30:04,172 --> 00:30:05,966 Oh, we missed you. We missed you so much. 652 00:30:06,049 --> 00:30:07,092 Did they give you back the weed? 653 00:30:07,175 --> 00:30:10,721 Oh. Oh, my goodness. 654 00:30:10,804 --> 00:30:12,723 Did you have a party? 655 00:30:12,806 --> 00:30:16,184 This place is a mess. 656 00:30:18,728 --> 00:30:20,564 - There. - Mom, we did our best, 657 00:30:20,647 --> 00:30:23,317 but we had no idea how hard your job is. 658 00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:24,985 Yeah, we took you for granted, 659 00:30:25,068 --> 00:30:26,820 and we promise it'll never happen again. 660 00:30:26,903 --> 00:30:29,448 That's right. You can make us meatloaf anytime you want. 661 00:30:29,531 --> 00:30:31,408 - We won't say shit. - Yeah, anytime you wanna 662 00:30:31,491 --> 00:30:32,951 make meatloaf is good with us. 663 00:30:33,034 --> 00:30:34,828 - Even tonight would be okay. - Let's have it tonight. 664 00:30:34,911 --> 00:30:36,079 - Hurry. - Now! 665 00:30:36,162 --> 00:30:37,998 Jesus, she just walked in the fuckin' door. 666 00:30:38,081 --> 00:30:39,750 It's okay, Blaire. 667 00:30:39,833 --> 00:30:42,877 I'd love to make my family some meatloaf. 668 00:30:56,016 --> 00:30:57,058 Uh, hey, Mom. 669 00:30:58,268 --> 00:31:00,604 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. 670 00:31:00,687 --> 00:31:01,939 And thank you. 671 00:31:02,022 --> 00:31:05,108 I almost ruined my life, and you saved me. 672 00:31:05,191 --> 00:31:07,277 Oh, Johnny. 673 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,154 That's what growin' up's all about. 674 00:31:09,237 --> 00:31:12,991 Makin' mistakes and lettin' your mother fix it all. 675 00:31:13,074 --> 00:31:16,369 Well, that was our last one. No more mistakes for us. 676 00:31:16,912 --> 00:31:21,291 You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside, 677 00:31:21,374 --> 00:31:25,378 I learned that everybody needs somebody to look out for them. 678 00:31:25,754 --> 00:31:27,047 I'm your mother. 679 00:31:27,547 --> 00:31:29,716 You don't have to thank me 680 00:31:29,799 --> 00:31:32,886 or appreciate me or even notice me. 681 00:31:32,969 --> 00:31:35,722 I'll always be right here. 682 00:31:36,890 --> 00:31:37,933 Always. 683 00:31:39,309 --> 00:31:41,311 I'm gonna die here, Johnny. 684 00:31:42,729 --> 00:31:43,939 Right here. 685 00:31:44,981 --> 00:31:45,981 Good. 686 00:31:46,900 --> 00:31:47,901 Why isn't it ready?